Toxic mother - Muslim

hi, i’m muslim too so i get the situation. my mother’s not like this, she’s quite reserved and private actually, but i have had issues with my dad so hopefully i can give advice.

firstly you have to learn how to control your anger — the Prophet (SAW) told us that if you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting, lie down, and if you are lying down, go do wuduu to calm down. also in islam even if your mother is pushing you to do haram, you respect her but do not obey her in that specific case.

if she’s verbally abusing you, pray for her and ask Allah to forgive her. it’d be good to say to her, in a voice as calm as possible, “may Allah guide you” which could bring her to her senses or relay your point without it being disrespectful.

i’m a bit of a hypocrite here because i sometimes have a go at my family too, but who doesn’t? all you can do is try your best, it takes an almost superhuman temper to put up with toxic parents and Allah doesn’t ask you to do the impossible. treat her well, help her out, care for her, but keep your distance as well and try not to cross paths with her too much. that’s the best you can do.

My mum...Where do I begin; something happens in the family, she’ll be on the phone by the night telling the extended family our business, but downplays her faults and exaggerates on ours. This literally is so embarrassing because next time we see our extended family they just look at us in disgust. Indirectly says something as I walk past which literally FRAZZLES MY BRAIN because I’m ngl I do lose it a lot of the times and find it hard to ignore what she says. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect over these last few months for her. I do swear at her which I feel bad about in the end but she just doesn’t stop screaming and shouting. Even when I’m not speaking to her anymore, she’ll say something and carry on screaming and swearing and calling me every horrible name to exist hence why I do lose it and swear. Yes that is absolutely wrong of me but the way she goes on and on and on I find it sooooo hard to just sit in my room and ignore. The things she screams about too is so stupid that she could of just said it nicely?

I know in Islam & in general I should respect my mother, but idk how I can with her. Every-time I hear her on the phone to extended family she’s telling them of what fight had just happened and exaggerates on everything we did. If she had started the fight...she would tell them “all I said was —- and my daughter lost it” funny how the rest of her family side all just take her side hence I don’t even want to associate myself with them anymore because no one listens.
Me not talking to her helps me stay in my own bubble and away from saying anything bad. But she’ll see me walk past and swear or bring up something I did 10 years ago and tell everyone about it. Everytime I catch her lying on the phone saying she did nothing..I just say “why are you lying tell the truth about what you did” quietly, and she’ll say loudly while on the phone “omg look how she’s screaming”????!!! I feel as if she gaslights everything, plays the victim with her side of the family yet once she’s home she’s back to the way she is.

We have had good times, but that doesn’t last long. This past few months I haven’t been talking to her but she goes on and on!!!!!!!!! I just need advice on what I can do especially from Islamic point of view. I know I am in the wrong for swearing and talking back may Allah forgive me but I find it difficult to not say anything it’s something I need to change.

This is amazing thank you so much sister. It is tough to keep quiet. Even while I’m ignoring which she knows she carries on pushing my buttons! A lot of the time makes up stories in her favour and because of that I shout back to defend. I don’t know how I can even respect a person like this because it has gone on long enough but always making it out like we are the ones causing the problems. It’s embarrassing to the point where I can’t even go to extended family house from her side because she has embarrassed us all making it out like we are the only bad ones. Yes I always try to remember advice about moving away when angry by the Prophet SAW, But difficult when she comes right next to my room door to say things indirectly provoking a reaction, and I guess when she does get a reaction then it’s her win. I just don’t know how else I can avoid this because at the same time I am gaining soo much sins. I wish I could just move away but I am young and have no money.

This not a problem of you/r mother being a Muslim. This is a common human problem. The way you wrote the title makes it look like that it applies to every muslim mom.

This not a problem of you/r mother being a Muslim. This is a common human problem. The way you wrote the title makes it look like that it applies to every muslim mom.

Thank you all to those that replied. I will try my best to keep my mouth shut. And you’re right can’t fight fire with fire. It is tough but I guess it’s the only way that maybe things will tone down a bit InshaAllah.

Please do keep me in your duas. I am grateful for everything my mum has done for me, it’s just these fights we have do get out of hand and don’t stop as she makes them worse, but obviously I shouldn’t be giving a reaction either as won’t make things better either. I will try to read dhikr to block things out InshaAllah. May Allah swt bless you all!

But that’s the thing, she will scream on top of everything I say no matter what tone. I can’t get my way round Because she goes off telling tales to other family members

But that’s the thing, she will scream on top of everything I say no matter what tone. I can’t get my way round Because she goes off telling tales to other family members

Bruh just be patience till you get married and move out of that house. Patience is virtue.

My mum...Where do I begin; something happens in the family, she’ll be on the phone by the night telling the extended family our business, but downplays her faults and exaggerates on ours. This literally is so embarrassing because next time we see our extended family they just look at us in disgust. Indirectly says something as I walk past which literally FRAZZLES MY BRAIN because I’m ngl I do lose it a lot of the times and find it hard to ignore what she says. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect over these last few months for her. I do swear at her which I feel bad about in the end but she just doesn’t stop screaming and shouting. Even when I’m not speaking to her anymore, she’ll say something and carry on screaming and swearing and calling me every horrible name to exist hence why I do lose it and swear. Yes that is absolutely wrong of me but the way she goes on and on and on I find it sooooo hard to just sit in my room and ignore. The things she screams about too is so stupid that she could of just said it nicely?

I know in Islam & in general I should respect my mother, but idk how I can with her. Every-time I hear her on the phone to extended family she’s telling them of what fight had just happened and exaggerates on everything we did. If she had started the fight...she would tell them “all I said was —- and my daughter lost it” funny how the rest of her family side all just take her side hence I don’t even want to associate myself with them anymore because no one listens.
Me not talking to her helps me stay in my own bubble and away from saying anything bad. But she’ll see me walk past and swear or bring up something I did 10 years ago and tell everyone about it. Everytime I catch her lying on the phone saying she did nothing..I just say “why are you lying tell the truth about what you did” quietly, and she’ll say loudly while on the phone “omg look how she’s screaming”????!!! I feel as if she gaslights everything, plays the victim with her side of the family yet once she’s home she’s back to the way she is.

We have had good times, but that doesn’t last long. This past few months I haven’t been talking to her but she goes on and on!!!!!!!!! I just need advice on what I can do especially from Islamic point of view. I know I am in the wrong for swearing and talking back may Allah forgive me but I find it difficult to not say anything it’s something I need to change.

I understand it im in the same boat ad you, what i do is if my family extended family does that when you meet be blunt like a hammer and ask forcefully do what, you have something to say, and when it comes to your mother dont mutter it say whats on your mind you hear her shouting lies to your extended family shout out from your room, why are you lying dont lie your supposed to be muslim how shameful, it usually works, also dont apologise if you dont nothing wrong