I just wanna let it out bcz I have no one

That day I was beaten up 3 times by him. It hurt me emotionally. I was his only daughter. Youd think after losing one daughter he’d want to do everything in his will not to lose the other one. He had lost me. It’s been a month now, and he still hasn’t apologized. Whenever he gets the chance to speak to me. He’d insult me. He saw that I count care less, so he had to find a way. He threatened to cut me from school. He threatened me with the hijab, that I wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house until I wear the hijab. I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to do it. Now, my mom didn’t do anything, bcz she wasnt soaking to him. After what happened last time. Apparently he said a lot of crap -no surprise there-, but one of the things he had said was “you’ll come back begging for me to take you back to the point where you’ll kiss my feet’’ to my mother. The ****er said that to my mom. That ****er.

He sees that whenever hes around me, I always have my arms up to protect my face. And I know that he notices it because, I remember one time he got close to me, and my hands went up to protect my face on instinct, to which he replied to by saying, ‘’Don’t worry, I’m not touching you,’’ in a tone that sounds like ‘ur too disgusting, too filthy to look at (as he was eyeing me unapprovingly) let alone touch you.’ My question is, Doesn’t he feel ashamed? Doesnt he feel bad? Doesnt he feel horrible? Does he even feel at all? When his first daughters instinct is to cover up her face when he’s around her??

So apparently parents have anniversaries- I never knew that parents still celebrated there. My mom has never brought up their anniversary.

Apparently parents still go out on dates?? Anyways im done.

I’ve only been having nightmares this past week. I’m terrified. I think todays one was the worst. It felt so real. It felt too real. I might not like my dad, but when he died. I was a wreck. I don’t like the way we ended things. He didn’t even apologize, but part of me wants to run back into his arms and hug him. And another part of me never wants to touch, or look at him again. I’m just scared that whatever happening in my dreams come true. I need time. It can’t just end like this. He’s trying so hard, and I-I can’t. It’s hard for me too. I can’t just go with it, and act like nothing happened, but I can’t just not do anything about it either. I’ve never been this lost. This is so hard. My heart hurts. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday, he had asked me if I’d want to go out with him sometime, and I said no. He looked so heartbroken, and my heart broke too. I can’t take this. I wish I had a normal life, maybe this wouldn’t have been too hard. I’ve never cried this much while writing.

Yeh I take all that back

a msg I wrote for him but never sent,

‘’You might not like a few sentences I wrote in this, but I need you to read this completely. And then form your opinion. I made sure to cover everything I feel in this letter.

You know how you had that dream about me. The one where I was about to die cause I threw myself from a building, And you got scared because that meant that you would lose your second and only daughter. Well, baba you did lose me, and this time it wasn’t because I threw myself from a building, or because I died on a hospital bed. This times it’s because of you. You’ve lost me, and you can never bring me back no matter what you do. This time it’s worse, because yes I’m still alive but gone. Knowing that your daughter is still alive but doesn’t love you. I might not be dead but you’ve lost me too. At least when Nada died she was too young too innocent still hasn’t seen you for what you truly are. She died loving you.

You know I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. So when Nada died I knew that there was a reason behind that. Now that I’ve grown up and seen the way you would have treated her. I understood why Nada died. God didn’t want you to have daughters for the way that you treated them. Did you know that every time my mom told me she was pregnant, I cried. Not because of happiness, but in fear that she’d carry a daughter. As much as I wanted a sister. I didn’t want to have her live in this house, where girls are treated the way they are. Haven’t you realized that god has been giving you signs. With every son that he’s blessed you with. Didn’t you question yourself, Why is it always a son and not a daughter? Why is it always that whenever my wife got pregnant its always a male? It’s all Gods doing. It’s all for a reason. While you’re reading this, I have a question for you. Since I know that you don’t love me so I’ll propose this question using Nada. If Nada has grown to be the beautiful young woman everyone knew she’d become one day. Would you want her to be married to a guy like you? Would you want her to be treated the same way you treat our mom? Answer me honestly, because f you truly wish her to be happy; there’s no way you’d say yes to that.

I contemplated about sending you this message at first, because I know that you don’t care about me, or love me even. And I’m alright with that, because I feel the same way. But I ended up sending this in hope that you’ll realize that what you’re doing is dividing this family apart. You’ve already driven me, and my mom apart and there’s no fixing that. But you could try to make it right, if you have any shred of humanity left in you.

Omg I’m so sorry, I really haven’t got any advice, but I’m pretty sure someone else will.
The message made me want to cry 🥺 if you don’t mind can I ask what happened to Nada and how old was she? 😣

She passed away from meningitis. It was strange. I came back from skl to find her completely out of her mind. Its like she wasn't listening to me, she couldn't hear me. We took here to the hospital and after two days she passed away. She was 3 turning 4.

Omg I’m so sorry, that’s awful, how long ago was that? And how old are you? 🥺
Also don’t forget that she’s in a better place now as much as you wished she was with you

this got me so emotional. i just don't know what to say. i feel so bad.

I'm a senior now! One more year and I'm outa hereee!! I'm 16

Do you have any other siblings?