english language paper 2 question 5

can someone please mark my essay ,thank you sooo much!
'Child poverty is holding back the progress of the nation.' Write the text for a leaflet in which you advise readers of the negative impact of child poverty.

PROBLEMATIC POVERTY
Poverty is a problem that thousands and thousands and thousands of people experience each year.A sociologist once said ‘poverty is not in the hands of the child nor the family yet instead in the hands of the nation that does not do anything to help’.Read on for some useful information about child poverty.


CRIME
65% of crimes are committed by those who are stuck in a poverty cycle; according to a recent survey.So how can a nation move forward with such a huge number of crimes?How can the nation be silent to child poverty?We not just as a community but as a nation need to work together to find a solution to this problem that is affecting people's everyday life.People shed blood,sweat and tears in their jobs that don’t pay much for heir labour work,they work hard and don’t receive the money they have been working for.Imagine if as a child you are seeing your mum shred blood,sweat and tears for a job that only provides a meal a day,and the only way for you to help out is by turning to crime wouldn't you turn to crime?I mean you have nothing to lose ,the education system has already failed you as you don't have the right equipment,tuition and you are utterly materially deprived and the only way to succeed in life is by turning to crime.If things aren’t changed sooner more and more and more people will fall into the poverty cycle and more and more crimes will be committed and so child poverty will be holding back the progress of the nation.



Examples of ways in which you can stop poor children from turning to crime
-Donate to www.povertyhelpschildren.com - a charity that helps those stuck in the poverty cycle overcome poverty without turning to crime
-sign this online petition.Make the government fund children in poverty so that they are not failing in the education system before they even start .
-Educate yourself to poverty!




THE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES
Moving forward,actually……. No ,we can not move forward ,just like these innocent ,heartwarming,poor children.Due to poverty,some experience undernutrition,undernutrition can permanently impact a child’s growth,resulting in stunting and reduced mental development,and can lead to life-long learning difficulties and poor health. As a nation, we need to help each other so that we can move forward.we need to stop ignoring the gold hearts of the children in need. Now ask yourself what are you going to do to make this world a better place?

Poverty is a problem that thousands and thousands and thousands of people experience each year!



We hope that you found this leaflet useful;For more information contact:
Address
Postcode
Area

020827828282
078729289292
www.endpovertynow.com
www.wemakeleaflets.co.uk

Good answer, but there are a few places to improve:
Avoid saying 'thousands and thousands and thousands' cause it sounds a little informal, and also here I think you meant to say shed not shred: 'seeing your mum shred blood,sweat and tears'
Apart from spag errors here and there, it's a pretty powerful piece, so well done on that.
Also, you've stuck to the question which is a feat in itself with topics like these!

omg, thank you so much I really thought it was ''shred'' so I'm happy you pointed that out before I used it in the actual exam and when you said that ''thousands and thousands and thousands'' is informal, what did you mean by that? Is it not a form of repetition that can get a lot of marks?

omg, thank you so much I really thought it was ''shred'' so I'm happy you pointed that out before I used it in the actual exam and when you said that ''thousands and thousands and thousands'' is informal, what did you mean by that? Is it not a form of repetition that can get a lot of marks?

I meant that it's not something you'd expect to read in a leaflet yk- its a little colloquial. For example, instead of saying ''thousands and thousands and thousands", something more formal using repetition could have been like : thousands are affected by blah blah, thousands feel blah blah, and thousands need your support on blah blah.
you could even make them separate sentences if you want - that would be anaphora (when its repetition but at the start of every phrase.)
Also, just a tip, that quote from the sociologist is really powerful, so maybe you could open the whole essay with that (and make its own paragraph)?
and the last thing, refrain from using 'i mean'. its nothing bad, but it sounds pretty conversational- which really contradicts the other amazing stuff you've written.

ooooh I understand what u mean now. Thanks so much x