I feel like a broken machine in life. [TW: Speaks on attractions, sexuality]Watch
I am a 17-year-old girl who has no idea what's been going on in their lives.
Growing up, I never ever had crushes. I remember watching videos of romance and always wanting it.
I rushed into relationships as a child, in my first grade, I started dating a boy and trying to be interested in boys romantically. I don't remember having many crushes, maybe one boy? However, the problem comes into the fact that there was also a girl ( I'll mention her again)
Maybe when I went into grade 2 or 3, I was sexually assaulted two times. As a child, I had no idea what this was or what it meant but I knew it was wrong since I was always taught how bad it was. I hated it but I don't remember feeling traumatized or anything like that, just shocked and in fear. As soon as I got to my parents, I told them everything. Consequences were given to the men and I moved on in life. Unfortunately, when I hit puberty, which was maybe when I was 11-12, as someone who never had friends, I started joining apps called "Amino." I joined various groups in that app such as groups for games and movies. It was where fans can chat. During those times, I was groomed by older men and I liked it. I didn't know what grooming was or being sexually taken advantage of meant. All I knew were these much older guys, 17-24, who were giving me attention and sexual conversations and it made me feel good. I remember even saying I was "in love" with one of them and was super "heartbroken" when he left. For years, I thought sex=love.
When joining another school, I met boys who use to sexualize my body and women who called me a "*****" and a "slut" when I was maybe only 13-14. I could barely speak English at that time since I was born and raised in Korea. I was constantly called a pig and fat, that I ate too much, and how chubby/curvy I was. Men either loved my body or hated my body and women showed disgust towards me for how their boyfriends/crushes acted towards me. I didn't know what was going on, all I wanted was to make friends and I remember crying and crying and crying in the bathroom for years, hiding the fact that I had no friends for over 10+ years to my family. The constant comments made to me and having no friends caused me to be a bully myself. I stopped after quarantine started, finding self-love and happiness in myself again.
During quarantine, I thankfully started making friends only in highschool. This was when I had the most connections and emotional attachment and love towards my friends, while they gave those feelings back towards me. I had no romantic interest though. During my first year of highschool, I found myself slowly disinterested in men in general. I still was very much sexually attracted to them, and I THINK I liked my boyfriends romantically, but I never remember feeling like I had an emotional connection with them. I met a girl online, through a mutual friend, and oh my god, how in love I was with this woman.
I've never met her but I was desperate for it. My love for this woman actually developed over time instead of suddenly being there, like I did with boys. I never felt happier. I've dated girls before, and yes, I enjoyed it, it was fun, however, this one was different. I was so into her, I remember crying happily about the idea of marrying her, and feeling hurt and jealous whenever she spoke about her exes. This jealousy and pain, I've never felt towards men. The breakup was cold and rough for me, it took me 11 months to get over it. During those 10 months, I began self-harming and starving myself. I dropped to 90 pounds at 5'2". I remember my father begging me to eat, how I apparently looked like a skeleton. I purposely hid the fact that I wasn't eating by throwing away food or throwing up. To me, this is what was perfect. My ex-girlfriend's last love interest was very slim and I believed that if I was like that, I would be loved. It wasn't only the fact that I wanted to be loved, I wanted to stop being so sexualized and fat-shamed for my naturally curvy body. I attempted suicide and had suicidal thoughts as well. I had no friends or anyone who was on my side. Matter of fact, I was being shamed for this. The only person who was there for me was my mother. After that, I thought I must have been a lesbian, forgetting all about my sexual attraction to men which surprisingly magically disappeared when I met her. I started dating other women, trying to find happiness as I did with her again. However, I felt nothing for those women. I was finally sent to a therapist when I started hyperventilating and having serious panic attacks in schools about all of this. After a while, I did start feeling better. I accepted that I wasn't a lesbian and just straight, I loved men sexually, and possibly even romantically.
But it started making me think, what was actually going on here? As I mentioned, there was one girl in my childhood times that make me question. I never thought I had a crush on her however I was always nervous to talk to her, always wanted her to approach me, I copied her every move, and I've felt huge enjoyment when talking to her. I've never had friends until her so maybe it was my desperation wanting friends?
After I accepted I was straight, I also started realizing I went back to my old patterns. I started calling any boy I was sexually attracted to a "crush" I know for a fact that I'm attracted to men sexually, maybe romantically, but when asking others if they experience this, I was shocked to hear that my other girl-friends did not fall for or had a "crush" on every boy they were sexually attracted to. This part is the most confusing part for me. I am excited to see and want to date the boys that make me have butterflies about how hot and sexy they are, so obviously, this must be a crush, right? I'm just super boy crazy? The problem is, I have almost never spoken to those boys. We aren't friends, I only know their names, maybe age, classes we have together, and how sexy they are.
Another problem is how I've been shamed for liking women and men. How "disgusting" I was and how I had to pick a side, and I did. I picked men. I found myself still looking for hope in any type of sign of bisexuality/biromanticism or that I'm into women so that I could love women as I loved her before. I feel jealousy and hatred towards anyone I know that might be a wlw, and I feel guilty. I treat them differently than I do in my head, I treat them with love and respect while in my head, all I feel is jealousy, hurt, and hatred. I lost faith in my religion, I remember praying and begging God and asking why he did "this" to me, why he made me go through so much and why he continues to create more problems for me and why he won't help me in life. I feel as if I've been abandoned by God, I don't believe he loves me, I believe I somehow did something wrong, and this is all punishment for me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's the only explanation I give myself at the moment.
I'm not quite sure what is going on with me, I feel like a broken machine. Could anyone relate or give me their own advice/thoughts on how I could be happier? Am I forever done for now?
uhm, i may only be 16, but being bisexual is not a bad thing. you can have a preference on one gender and be bi. it seems you lean toward men.
honestly, the first half of the story, it seems you lusted for the guys, but you loved the girl.
there are communities for lgbt people if you want supportive friends, because the world is harsh on people like us, because we don't conform to what historically, was 'accepted'. (honestly, greek warriors would have gay relationships when at war, and they weren't judged for it)
If they say it's a sin against god, it can't be, because if we weren't meant to love the same gender sometimes, why would we have the ability to?
You aren't forever done unless you choose to be. even then, your sub-conscious is where love comes from, so you can't stop the feelings, but if you choose never to act on them again, you essentially are giving up and saying 'i don't need love to be happy'. but if love makes you happy, pursue it. Be careful of who you allow close to you, and you will find people who do care for you, no matter what.
hope i helped. if you want more support on sexuality, i'm always around, or you can ask for support in the lgbt group here.
I could barely speak English at that time since I was born and raised in Korea.
do you LIKE JIMIN?