LGBTQ+ Q and A Thread

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Original post by wannabenurse:)

@becausethenight @Stiff Little Fingers i had a question for you both about being trans? I'm 16, recently came out as bi and am getting used to being in the LGBTQ environment. I would like to start by saying I've seen this LGB alliance bs going round and obviously, I can't apologise for everyone but I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I do not condone this and am not a part of this (obviously). Recently 2 of my favourite YouTubers have been under fire for using the t-word and another for using the r-word. I am neither trans nor disabled so I cannot accept their apologies but I wanted to ask whether it would be ok for me to carry on watching them if I feel that their apologies may have been sincere. I would also like to clarify I know I cannot accept their apologies as I am not trans nor am i trying to say i can bc i am bi, i just said that bc this thread is about LGBTQ+.

I mean, I think you're asking this in good faith, but: I'm really sorry, but one trans person (or even two!) can't "give you permission to do something"! It's not how this works - not all trans people agree, no one can speak for the whole community, and it's just not a good idea to think that "one guy said it's OK so it is and it doesn't matter if someone else is upset".

By all means I'd be happy to talk through your feelings on this but you have to decide for yourself what you are and aren't comfortable with. The fact that you need to ask this seems to indicate that you're not, but you have to make that call. And yes, you can decide if their apology is good enough for you - in fact you have to do that! Of course seek out trans and diasabled opinions and voices but there is no unified "trans/disabled community" that can accept it and deem it valid enough. People will likely differ and you need to make a judgment call at some point. You are a better ally if you do some research, analyse things critically, and have strength in your convictions, than if you just agree with any random trans person 'because they're trans'.

It's also, and I mean this in the nicest way, a bit odd that you start this by apologising for transphobia you presumably have nothing to do with?

Reply 63

Snufkin

21

Original post by wannabenurse:)

I would like to start by saying I've seen this LGB alliance bs going round and obviously, I can't apologise for everyone but I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I do not condone this and am not a part of this (obviously). Recently 2 of my favourite YouTubers have been under fire for using the t-word and another for using the r-word. I am neither trans nor disabled so I cannot accept their apologies but I wanted to ask whether it would be ok for me to carry on watching them if I feel that their apologies may have been sincere. I would also like to clarify I know I cannot accept their apologies as I am not trans nor am i trying to say i can bc i am bi, i just said that bc this thread is about LGBTQ+.

You do realise that many LGBT people (yes, trans people too) agree with organisations such as LGB Alliance? Anyway, this thread probably isn't the place for this debate, but since you mentioned them specifically I think its only fair to point out that they're part of our community too, and are entitled to their views.

Reply 64

Original post by becausethenight

I've grouped my answers to these two gender identity related questions since they may overlap a bit, FYI :smile:

For context, as it said above I'm AFAB non-binary with some experience of dysphoria. Very conflicted over any idea of medical transition.

'Gender envy' isn't a term I'm super familiar with - the internet is telling me something like "feeling jealous of someone else's gender presentation" but please say if that's not what you meant! It sounds a lot like what I can feel sometimes looking at androgynous presentations from male-bodied people (think the legendary David Bowie or Harry Styles in a dress on Vogue) - sometimes I do just feel viscerally upset that they can just put on some lipstick or a skirt and be "trailblazers" and "visibly doing gender****" while whatever I do, people look at my body shape and breasts and go "woman in jeans". It's really frustrating and it can be confusing for me because sometimes I feel like I want a male body, but because then I could be visibly read as non-binary/gender non-conforming, rather than because I actually want to be a guy. That's a bit long but that's basically just my experience - I imagine lots of people will feel it differently and certainly for me it's very tied up with dysphoria, and I could imagine it being a more "euphoric" experience of appreciating someone else's gender.

I can really sympathise with hating breasts so...high five? :lol:

It can feel pretty isolating when everyone around you is going on about wanting larger ones and how cool yours are, but society's a ***** and you're not alone.

Other users have spoken very eloquently about how that can be a cis woman thing as well as a trans guy or enby thing, so all I'll do is reiterate that how you feel never means you're forced into a certain identity. If anything, I see my dysphoria as very secondary to the main reason I'm non-binary - which is very simply that I am not, and don't want to be, either a woman or a man, and being this way makes me happy. I'd also really, really echo @sinfonietta's point that you can make all sorts of changed to your appearance and dress to make yourself comfortable without needing a label - that journey can even be an important part of how you get to a label you like. If you do want to bind your breasts please do try and do that safely though :wink:

The short answer is: whatever you want it to?

Gender identity can seem like a scary binary choice sometimes, because we do still focus on binary transition models and "coming out" into a fixed gender category, but plenty of people can feel like their gender identity fluctuates (look up genderfluid) or that they have no gender at all (look up agender or neutrois). If you just have that feeling of being genderless, acknowledge it, and move on, that can be all you want to do! Equally, on days you feel less 'gendered', you might want to experiment with different dress, pronouns, names or whatever and in that case go for it. It can be tricky explaining to people that you don't always use the same name or pronoun set and it might be helpful to actually have some fairly in depth chats with supportive close friends about how you're going to play it and how you can let them know what you're comfortable with at any given time (pronoun badges, style of dress, asking etc)

You also don't have to drop 'lesbian' because you're not always a woman or aren't at all a woman - you use what's right for you and what you feel comfortable using. Equally if 'lesbian' doesn't fit right anymore, there will be plenty of other terms like 'queer', 'sapphic', 'gay' etc you might like better.

:goodluck:

hey its jay-jay here born as jade but i dont think that suits me
thank you so much for getting back to me i am sorry i very confusing to work out what i am. i did go through a transgender phase but i grow out of that mostly because i got told every day i was born as a girl so i am not a boy and because i "didnt" show signs when i was younger. i sometimes have a fear that i am going all my friends and family because of my sexuallity thing and i sit there at night cryiing whishing i was normal and not different.
i have no idea what i am going to do when that happens and every time i get a gf my family always have a problem with them i dont know why.
i also have a sister who has a boyfriend and they always say lebeian and take the mickey out of me.
i am so sorry for springing this all on you it is just i was letting my mind take over this message and letting it speak to me
p.s. i know that sounds crazy

OP

Original post by Anonymous

What's the Q strand for?

the users below have already said that it stands for 'queer' or 'questioning', but I just wanted to expand on this by saying that 'queer' is used often as an umbrella term - it almost encompasses the idea of having a + at the end of LGBTQ+! :smile:

OP

Original post by Anonymous

You should call this The LGBTQ&A 😏

genius

can't believe I didn't think of that! :tongue:

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Uh- I’ve been questioning my sexuality for almost a year now, and came to the conclusion that I’m not straight. I think I’m attracted to men? And probably also women (since I was in denial about having a crush on my female best friend for a good year). I’ve stuck with queer as a label- since I think I’m attracted to all genders, but not quite sure yet. I think I just have impostor syndrome- I question myself relentlessly about whether I’m ‘queer enough’ and worry if I’m kist trying to draw attention to myself/I’m just faking it.

Not really knowing if I am attracted to guys kinda makes it difficult to figure out the whole, do i want to be *with* them or *be* them

Okay! This is a really good explanation, so well done for articulating such a complex feeling! :yep:

I have definitely experienced this myself - and I think the large population of queer people have experienced some kind of questioning in their time. I only just settled on the label bisexual in the last couple months, which worked for me because I disliked having no label. However, you might prefer to go label-less because it doesn't limit you and prevent change from happening. You don't have to prove yourself of how queer you are. Let's take bisexuality - you can be 98% attracted to men and 2% attracted to women or vice versa = still bisexual.

Just know that it's totally okay to feel however you feel, and your feelings can fluctuate and change over time which is totally natural. There's no harm in experimenting around and seeing what you like. If the feeling is there, I highly doubt it's for attention. Your gut will tell you if you're into it or not. :smile:

OP

Original post by wannabenurse:)

@becausethenight @Stiff Little Fingers i had a question for you both about being trans? I'm 16, recently came out as bi and am getting used to being in the LGBTQ environment. I would like to start by saying I've seen this LGB alliance bs going round and obviously, I can't apologise for everyone but I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I do not condone this and am not a part of this (obviously). Recently 2 of my favourite YouTubers have been under fire for using the t-word and another for using the r-word. I am neither trans nor disabled so I cannot accept their apologies but I wanted to ask whether it would be ok for me to carry on watching them if I feel that their apologies may have been sincere. I would also like to clarify I know I cannot accept their apologies as I am not trans nor am i trying to say i can bc i am bi, i just said that bc this thread is about LGBTQ+.

I think this one honestly applies to anything - if your role models or influences use any kind of slur or vehemently support things you don't agree with, maybe you have to really think about their morals as a person and whether that's the kind of person you want to be influencing you. You have to look at it and think, is it honestly worth watching this person when they say hurtful things?

Reply 69

Stiff Little Fingers

21

Original post by wannabenurse:)

@becausethenight @Stiff Little Fingers i had a question for you both about being trans? I'm 16, recently came out as bi and am getting used to being in the LGBTQ environment. I would like to start by saying I've seen this LGB alliance bs going round and obviously, I can't apologise for everyone but I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I do not condone this and am not a part of this (obviously). Recently 2 of my favourite YouTubers have been under fire for using the t-word and another for using the r-word. I am neither trans nor disabled so I cannot accept their apologies but I wanted to ask whether it would be ok for me to carry on watching them if I feel that their apologies may have been sincere. I would also like to clarify I know I cannot accept their apologies as I am not trans nor am i trying to say i can bc i am bi, i just said that bc this thread is about LGBTQ+.

As Becausethenight said, this isn't really how it works. There's not a "permission to watch this person" and even if there was it couldn't be given by just a couple of people. We're not a monolith at any level of the community - since you mentioned them the majority of LGBTQ people I've seen reject the LGB Alliance on account of them being just incredibly homophobic as well as transphobic, but some do support them; we can't say they're rejected by the community because of that, but nor do they represent us; and that's the case with literally every bit of the community. You just have to make the decision of whether you feel comfortable still watching them, there's no "this person said I could".

Reply 70

wannabenurse:)

13

Original post by becausethenight

I mean, I think you're asking this in good faith, but: I'm really sorry, but one trans person (or even two!) can't "give you permission to do something"! It's not how this works - not all trans people agree, no one can speak for the whole community, and it's just not a good idea to think that "one guy said it's OK so it is and it doesn't matter if someone else is upset".

By all means I'd be happy to talk through your feelings on this but you have to decide for yourself what you are and aren't comfortable with. The fact that you need to ask this seems to indicate that you're not, but you have to make that call. And yes, you can decide if their apology is good enough for you - in fact you have to do that! Of course seek out trans and diasabled opinions and voices but there is no unified "trans/disabled community" that can accept it and deem it valid enough. People will likely differ and you need to make a judgment call at some point. You are a better ally if you do some research, analyse things critically, and have strength in your convictions, than if you just agree with any random trans person 'because they're trans'.

It's also, and I mean this in the nicest way, a bit odd that you start this by apologising for transphobia you presumably have nothing to do with?

I'm sorry if it came off like I am asking for permission. Like I said im new to all this as I've been homeschooled all my life and never really knew social ettiuettes and stuff. Obviously you cannot speak on behalf of all trans people I was more just asking your opinions about it and as trans people. Im so sorry if I caused offense in any way.

Reply 71

wannabenurse:)

13

Original post by Stiff Little Fingers

As Becausethenight said, this isn't really how it works. There's not a "permission to watch this person" and even if there was it couldn't be given by just a couple of people. We're not a monolith at any level of the community - since you mentioned them the majority of LGBTQ people I've seen reject the LGB Alliance on account of them being just incredibly homophobic as well as transphobic, but some do support them; we can't say they're rejected by the community because of that, but nor do they represent us; and that's the case with literally every bit of the community. You just have to make the decision of whether you feel comfortable still watching them, there's no "this person said I could".Submit reply

Like i said before, im very sorry if it sounded like this. I wasn't asking for permission as more asking for you opinions as I don't know any trans people in person. Obviously i understand it is a choice I have to make for myself, I just wanted some opinions. Im very sorry if it came off like that and even more sorry if I cause any offense.

Reply 72

Original post by jademowry123

hey its jay-jay here born as jade but i dont think that suits me
thank you so much for getting back to me i am sorry i very confusing to work out what i am. i did go through a transgender phase but i grow out of that mostly because i got told every day i was born as a girl so i am not a boy and because i "didnt" show signs when i was younger. i sometimes have a fear that i am going all my friends and family because of my sexuallity thing and i sit there at night cryiing whishing i was normal and not different.
i have no idea what i am going to do when that happens and every time i get a gf my family always have a problem with them i dont know why.
i also have a sister who has a boyfriend and they always say lebeian and take the mickey out of me.
i am so sorry for springing this all on you it is just i was letting my mind take over this message and letting it speak to me
p.s. i know that sounds crazy

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough situation :hugs:

The main thing I want to say I guess is that when you're in such an unwelcoming environment, it makes sense that you're struggling to find an identity you're comfortable with. You don't have space to explore your identity. At the moment, it may not be safe for you as well and it sounds like coming out as lesbian for you has put you in a very rocky position. Will you be leaving home soon? Could you contact an organisation that may be able to help you and give more concrete advice (like one of these https://thebeyouproject.co.uk/resources/) or talk to a safe adult in your life? Having a proper support network can be crucial.

Not everyone has everything worked out straight away and that's OK - there are people who only realise they're trans in their 50s and 60s! Far more important is staying safe and mentally well so you can get to a place where you can be yourself :smile:

Reply 73

Original post by wannabenurse:)

I'm sorry if it came off like I am asking for permission. Like I said im new to all this as I've been homeschooled all my life and never really knew social ettiuettes and stuff. Obviously you cannot speak on behalf of all trans people I was more just asking your opinions about it and as trans people. Im so sorry if I caused offense in any way.

I'm not sure how "I wanted to ask whether it would be ok for me to carry on watching them" comes across as anything else :lol:

You haven't caused offence at all, we simply wanted to point out that we can't really give permission. As for my opinion, given I have no idea the user you're talking about and don't hugely want to trawl through hours of their video, I can't really give one.

Reply 74

Original post by becausethenight

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough situation :hugs:

The main thing I want to say I guess is that when you're in such an unwelcoming environment, it makes sense that you're struggling to find an identity you're comfortable with. You don't have space to explore your identity. At the moment, it may not be safe for you as well and it sounds like coming out as lesbian for you has put you in a very rocky position. Will you be leaving home soon? Could you contact an organisation that may be able to help you and give more concrete advice (like one of these https://thebeyouproject.co.uk/resources/) or talk to a safe adult in your life? Having a proper support network can be crucial.

Not everyone has everything worked out straight away and that's OK - there are people who only realise they're trans in their 50s and 60s! Far more important is staying safe and mentally well so you can get to a place where you can be yourself :smile:

i am leaving home in like 2 and a half years so when i am 19 i am just a bit scare because my friend said i can moving in with her when she moves out but i am not sure if our friendship is very strong and i dont know if she is pretending to like me so i am not alone

Reply 75

Original post by jademowry123

i am leaving home in like 2 and a half years so when i am 19 i am just a bit scare because my friend said i can moving in with her when she moves out but i am not sure if our friendship is very strong and i dont know if she is pretending to like me so i am not alone

Okay, how do you feel about waiting until then? Could you leave earlier if you need to?
I think you have to trust your friend that she does like you - you can tie yourself in knots otherwise. If you're not sure you actually want to live with her, what would your other options be?

Reply 76

Original post by becausethenight

Okay, how do you feel about waiting until then? Could you leave earlier if you need to?
I think you have to trust your friend that she does like you - you can tie yourself in knots otherwise. If you're not sure you actually want to live with her, what would your other options be?

other opion is to go live with my auntie until i get on my feet and stay there until i get a house but i do really want to trust my friend but it is just hard when i am an overthinker because of the past

Reply 77

Original post by jademowry123

other opion is to go live with my auntie until i get on my feet and stay there until i get a house but i do really want to trust my friend but it is just hard when i am an overthinker because of the past

Well, at least you have a backup option if things don’t work out with your friend? You can do whichever one you want, so if ultimately staying with your friend is too stressful you don’t have to.

Reply 78

h

Original post by becausethenight

Well, at least you have a backup option if things don’t work out with your friend? You can do whichever one you want, so if ultimately staying with your friend is too stressful you don’t have to.

thank you so much for being so understanding
i am honestly so grateful i don't know how i can ever thank you
tbh i cant think of anyone else who has been so aceptive

Reply 79