English Language Paper 2 Q5 , help please!

Greeting, could you please check my answer to Q5, tell me approximately what grade I would get with it and how can I improve?
The question:

'Cars are noisy, dirty, smelly, and downright dangerous. They should be banned from all town and city centres, allowing people to walk and cycle in peace'.

Write a letter to the Minister for Transport arguing your point of view on this statement.

So here's what I have written:

Public transport to save the day!
TW12 2QN
14 Rock Road, Richmond, London
Dear Mr Hopkins,


Greetings sir, I am writing this letter to you today to voice my concerns about the growing problem of air pollution in our town. I believe cars to be one of the main causes of this appalling problem; (in my opinion, - cut this) far too many people use cars instead of alternate transport options and this problem is linked to the widespread belief that you must own a car! The belief that if you don't you will waste your entire life sat on a bus trying to get from point 'A' to point 'B'. However, on the other hand, I believe that this is just pure nonsense and a complete exaggeration - public transport has never been as fast and reliable as it is now.

In recent years using public transport has gained many advantages over owning a car: speed, reliability, most importantly a lower carbon emission rate and statistically higher safety (insert made up statistic about say 1/2 the amount of people dying in crashes on public transport than in cars - also delete the next sentence about these being the 'main arguments'. It is maybe a bit too formulaic?).
High safety and low carbon emission compared to a car being the main arguments. Statistically, owning a car is a lot more dangerous than using public transport. (Didn't see this when I wrote the above comment however I would say try and make up a more specific statistic to support your argument than just saying it is. It just helps exaggerate your point a lot more) Buses are a great deal safer than cars because their drivers (cut - of those buses) are professionals, who have driven buses for years - they always follow the strict word of law which is a key factor in why buses are safer than cars. Furthermore using public transport regularly creates more jobs (or something about this if you fancy idk)! Also, unequivocally everyone agrees that if we are to prosper as a society in the future, we should lower carbon emissions now. It's no secret that the extensive usage of cars is one of the largest carbon contributing factors to our atmosphere; banning cars would be a logical step to not only help various species on our planet but to also ensure our own survival in the long run.

- insert paragraph explaining that no cars encourages cycling and walking which A) better for the environment B) increase fitness C) due to lack of pollution from these creates a cleaner environment visually and makes the town center a more appealing place to be perhaps allowing local businesses to flourish and encouraging people to visit. C could be developed to be a point of cosmos which is a great technique to use to boost your grade! And on that note I would suggest evaluating your letter to look for Logos, Pathos and Ethos!

Yours sincerely,

Monkey with a pen ( I am assuming you wrote this instead of your name for safeguarding reasons? If not then use your actual name/ a made up name which fits your persona - this doesn't really fit the mood of the letter.)

Greeting, could you please check my answer to Q5, tell me approximately what grade I would get with it and how can I improve?
The question:

'Cars are noisy, dirty, smelly, and downright dangerous. They should be banned from all town and city centres, allowing people to walk and cycle in peace'.

Write a letter to the Minister for Transport arguing your point of view on this statement.

So here's what I have written:

Public transport to save the day!
TW12 2QN
14 Rock Road, Richmond, London
Dear Mr Hopkins,


Greeting sir, today I am writing this letter to you to voice my concerns about the growing problem of air pollution in our town. I believe cars to be one of the main causes of such a problem; far too many people have cars and this could be detrimental. Partially, this problem is linked to a widespread belief that you should own a car, and if you don't you will waste your entire life on a bus trying to get from point 'A' to point 'B'. But I, on the other hand, think that it is just pure nonsense and an exaggeration: public transport has never been as fast and reliable as now.

In recent years, using public transport has gained many advantages over owning a car: speed, reliability, safety, and low carbon-pollution rate.
High safety and low carbon emission compared to a car being the main arguments. Statistically, owning a car is a lot more dangerous than using public transport. Buses are a great deal safer than cars because drivers of those buses are professionals, who have driven buses for years, they always follow the strict word of law which - one of the main reasons why buses are safer than cars. Also, unequivocally everyone agrees that if we are to prosper as a society in the future, we should lower carbon emissions now. It's no secret that extensive usage of cars is the foremost carbon contributing factors to our atmosphere. The only logical step, to not only save diminishing biodiversity, but also to assure a sustainable future: ban all cars.

Yours sincerely,

Monkey with a pen

Could you please also check if I am using correctly ; and :

Hey,
I'm in year 11, and predicted an 8/9 in Eng. lan, and have gone through your work making punctuation corrections and adding/changing bits to make the piece more effective. (Note that I may have missed some lol)

I'd say if you wrote 2 more paragraphs of this quality you'd get about a 6/7, I'm no examiner, I'm just going off of what I think it would get
You've talked about the fact that cars produce pollution and that it is a problem, however have no where talked about WHY it's a problem.
Include things like global warming and the effect that has on crop growth- therefore people starving, can't sell produce etc...

Hope that helped

Hey,
I'm in year 11, and predicted an 8/9 in Eng. lan, and have gone through your work making punctuation corrections and adding/changing bits to make the piece more effective. (Note that I may have missed some lol)

I'd say if you wrote 2 more paragraphs of this quality you'd get about a 6/7, I'm no examiner, I'm just going off of what I think it would get
You've talked about the fact that cars produce pollution and that it is a problem, however have no where talked about WHY it's a problem.
Include things like global warming and the effect that has on crop growth- therefore people starving, can't sell produce etc...

Hope that helped

I've made some changes above and written them in bold to make it clearer - I'm not sure of an exact grade for the initial response however what I would say is great about your response is the use of largely suitable vocabulary to fit the tone, the general structure and some strong points!
However in terms of improvement things to work on would be:
- It seems quite short? This could be due to being typed on a computer so it may not be an issue but I would personally add maybe another paragraph in there to boost your mark and allow yourself to further prove what you are capable of!
- Whilst you have some great formal language in there I would say certain phrases such as 'way too many' are quite informal and maybe don't quite fit the tone
- some of the points could probably be developed further, think Pathos, Logos, Ethos and Cosmos!


Overall this is really great though! The changes I've made are just examples of how I personally would word things and some may just be down to personal preference. Good luck with your essay and I hope this was helpful x

Thank you! You did help me a lot! And yeah, my answer should be a bit longer, I understand it now. To be fair, English is my second language, so I've never been strong at it, my goal is to get at least a 5 so I could go on to university. Thank you again for your time!

Yeah, it did, thank you! (To be fair I am going to do Maths, FM and CS at A levels, so I only need a 5 at English(Minimum grade to get into Uni), so this is my goal. Do you think there is a point to aim for a higher grade In my case?

I've made some changes above and written them in bold to make it clearer - I'm not sure of an exact grade for the initial response however what I would say is great about your response is the use of largely suitable vocabulary to fit the tone, the general structure and some strong points!
However in terms of improvement things to work on would be:
- It seems quite short? This could be due to being typed on a computer so it may not be an issue but I would personally add maybe another paragraph in there to boost your mark and allow yourself to further prove what you are capable of!
- Whilst you have some great formal language in there I would say certain phrases such as 'way too many' are quite informal and maybe don't quite fit the tone
- some of the points could probably be developed further, think Pathos, Logos, Ethos and Cosmos!


Overall this is really great though! The changes I've made are just examples of how I personally would word things and some may just be down to personal preference. Good luck with your essay and I hope this was helpful x