Was this a sexual crime, should my boyfriend be mad and am I to blame?

I am a female and I was out partying with a guy who I used to be friends with benefits with. Last Saturday, it was the guy, his friends and I getting drunk and getting stoned out. I can't remember but this guy claims that I was rubbing up on him and I do recall accidentally kissing him because I was so unaware of what was going on. Soon after I myself remember him giving me a pill and asking if I wanted to take it because he said,"it'll make you even more high" and I wanted to do it so I did it. I can't remember everything but I woke up lying on the ground. Rumours are spreaded everywhere where I'm at that I "slept with him" and "gave him a blowjob" when I don't remember that at all. My boyfriend is also angry at me and doesn't believe me.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

My friend is calling this rape, my boyfriend said I cheated and the guys are spreading rumours. I don't know what happened. But the guys always try to prank people and so idk what to believe. My boyfriend said its all my fault and I shouldn't be hanging out with other guys besides him. :frown:

Reply 2

OctoberRain7

Tell your boyfriend everything that happened honestly. There are two things that could have happened - either nothing sexual happened between you and that guy, or, if it did, it happened without your consent as you were not in a position to do so. Either way, you are not in the wrong and it is not your fault and if your boyfriend is worth anything he should understand that. There is a strong possibility that you were assaulted or raped and what you want to do with that is up to you (and hopefully you have supportive people around you who can help you with that instead of some stranger on TSR).

Reply 3

anosmianAcrimony

Original post by OctoberRain7

^^^ This.

Reply 4

sofialouisa

Original post by OctoberRain7

spot on!!

Reply 5

NotreDamn

Original post by Anonymous

You still kissed another guy. When people say 'oh I was so drunk i accidently did it', that just isn't true. Drunk minds speak sober thoughts, you knew what you was doing then. You did cheat. However, the pill thing is sketchy and you aren't to be blamed for that.

Reply 6

LauraforChrist

I hope you definitely get some counciling and I hope you aren't too traumatised by the event, but it's scary the way you're handling accusations.

It's possible he was just as drunk and stoned from pills as you were, so even if you did do something why would you immediately jump to 'he raped you' as opposed to 'we both made really really really irresponsible terrible decisions'.

It's like even when you don't know what happened you've decided you're the victim.

Rape is one of the most serious crimes. If he was found guilty it could cost him his whole life.

I hope you weren't taken advantage of, but I don't see why you should destroy a guy who you were making out with and consented to do drugs with if you don't know for sure.

Also I don't buy this excuse: "accidentally kissing him because I was so unaware of what was going on"

Reply 7

dietcokeandlime

Original post by Anonymous

You were in no fit state to consent to anything, you are not in the wrong!!

Reply 8

LauraforChrist

Original post by dietcokeandlime

You were in no fit state to consent to anything, you are not in the wrong!!

but why are you assuming he was in a fit state of mind to consent?

Reply 9

JaseyB

Irregardless of wethere you intended to do it or were unable to consent you were silly (in my opinion) to put yourself in such a position in the first place, especially as you have a boyfriend, you were being selfish and weren't considering him at all. If a crime did take place can it ever be proven ?

Reply 10

TFEU

Idk. It might be a sexual crime, but not remembering doesn’t always mean there was no consent or you were r*ped. There are many support helplines though. Contact them and they should be able to provide more reliable advice than the ones you will receive on TSR.

I personally still think your boyfriend has a right to be mad. You chose to party with a fwb, you chose to get stoned and drunk with them, you chose to take the pill. This is not victim blaming as these choices still doesn’t justify r*pe (assuming it was r*pe), but these can be enough to piss any partner off.

Reply 11

Gavin2016

OP I think you were very stupid to take a pill from a stranger or anyone for that matter, there could be any sort of cr*p in there which could have killed you. I think you would be better of avoiding any situation like that again.

As to the 'did he rape me' if you can't remember hardly a thing yourself then it's probably best to avoid venturing into anything like that sort of thinking in my opinion. Sh*t happens in life and if you can't even remember then I don't see that it's going to be helpful or even good for your mind to deal with those thoughts. I would just move on if it were me rather than casting accusations around that are unsubstantiated.

Reply 12

Teddy650123

You can’t even give consent when drunk never mind under the influence of drugs 🤦*♀️ honestly at the same time these people who just get so pissed that they can’t control themselves or make themselves such an easy targets it’s no wonder this happens so frequent across the world.

Idk why people are saying like oh maybe it wasn’t rape so don’t go making accusations just move on like her being so drunk/drugged out her eyeballs to the point of waking up on a floor in the laws eyes is rape surely? as she can’t give consent.

These people spreading it or seen it are witnesses who can give their account whether or not this was willing or rape now I’m in no way saying you deserved this but when you make it so easy like taking pills and clearly can’t even handle drinks you can’t be surprised when one day this happens to you.

From what you’ve stated the fact you was given a pill that you stupidly took even though technically you was probably drunk at that stage and also the fact you apparently did all this sexual stuff while drunk and drugged you can’t give consent, you did admit to leading him on by kissing and it’s just tricky as he was probably drunk and off his head as well so I don’t really know neither will anyone on here so idk what to suggest and I’m not a lawyer but In my opinion the fact you woke up on a floor after doing sexual stuff and not remembering any of it and the fact you were drinking heavily and was offered a pill which could of been anything it very much seems to me that you no way could of gave consent.

Either way whatever this was you’re still in the wrong like people especially girls who can’t control themselves in this case drinking so much and just simply taking a pill like if you don’t change your ways this is going to happen again and again…all comes down to prevention rather than waking up on a floor having to come on a forum to ask about it.

What I will say though accusing a person of rape or something similar is the worst thing that can ever be done especially for a man so it’s why it’s crucial you don’t put yourself in situations like this and you make sure you find out and take it serious before confidently labelling it as rape.

Reply 13

Anonymous #2

Original post by OctoberRain7

She's definitely in the wrong and you definitely would be saying that she is if she was a guy. She literally kissed another guy. Her boyfriend can do better, if he has standards he would dump her.

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

Yep but the deluded feminists above are saying that she's in the right simply because she's a girl. Smh, we all know if the genders were reversed what they would be saying 😂

Reply 15

OctoberRain7

Original post by Anonymous

She's definitely in the wrong and you definitely would be saying that she is if she was a guy. She literally kissed another guy. Her boyfriend can do better, if he has standards he would dump her.

I would say the exact same thing if she was male, strangely the definition of sexual assault doesn't change depending on gender. If my boyfriend told me that this situation happened to him I would be extremely concerned and try to support him, not start blaming him for something that was not his fault. When she kissed that guy she was not in a state to consent. She should not be dumped because of things she did against her will.

Reply 16

ageshallnot

Original post by Anonymous

Yes, you could probably be prosecuted for sexual assault.

Reply 17

ruski cyka

Honestly idk wut to consider this. u shouldn't b rlly hanging out w/ an old fwbs, i'd be kinda weirded out if a guy/girl i dated tried to go to a party with a guy they was sexual with in the past. ur intentions may not have been bad but maybe that's how he viewed that cuz honest that's a bit weirdd buut u did choose to get drunk & high w dis lad so ig if something did happen to u, u would never know. only he knows truly. honestly i do think the kissing part was bad cus u clearly remember kissing him. but u did not know if u had sex so u aren't in the wrong here. next time do not take a pill from a guy like that who knows it could've been poisonous & you could have died. firstly, think about your bf. how would u like if he went out partying with an ex gf of his? don't make urself mad vulnerable. i'm sure the guy u was fwbs with probably thought u wanted some sex bc y tf would u go party with him? this is not ur fault if he did do anything sexual BUT stop being stupid and making urself vulnerable for others. good luck if u want u can go turn this in but if u can't even remember what happened then u should just forget about it. hope u are ok. :smile:

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 18

dietcokeandlime

Original post by LauraforChrist

but why are you assuming he was in a fit state of mind to consent?

I didn't? I'm in agreement with the majority of people in this thread - this is a really sticky situation. If he was out of his mind on MDMA, green and drink then the lines of consent are really blurred. I said that OP was in no fit state to consent to having sex with him or giving him a blowjob so she isn't in the wrong. If the guy was saying he couldn't remember consenting to all this then I'd be saying the exact same thing.