Rape or regret? CW
From what I know, my friend lost her virginity to her bf. They had planned it for a while now and he went the extra mile to make it special for her (flowers in bed and everything) and she was really excited for it. However, when I see them next, she’s in tears screaming at him saying how she hated the sex saying how much it hurt...etc and then when I go to try and diffuse the situation, she looks me dead in the eyes and asks me if she should file a rape charge against her bf. Her bf on the other hand stands there utterly defeated and angry saying how he had never forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do and since it was her first time, saying how he made a point of continually asking her if she was alright and she had never said otherwise however, at this point she’s inconsolable and screams rape and how she hopes he gets kicked out of school..etc
I really don’t know who to believe, since I wasn’t there obviously. I want so much to believe it wasn’t rape since he’s very much a good guy and a clear feminist and very sweet to her and my friend does have a history of blowing things out of proportion, which she does admit to. But, I can’t ignore what she said and my instinct is telling me to stick with her and tell her to file charges. But at the same time, if he really is innocent ans she’s just regretful, I’d feel so much guilt. But also at the same time, if it really was rape then I’d want him to be punished so much more than just his expulsion for her behalf.
What do I do?? What do I tell her??
I really don’t know who to believe, since I wasn’t there obviously. I want so much to believe it wasn’t rape since he’s very much a good guy and a clear feminist and very sweet to her and my friend does have a history of blowing things out of proportion, which she does admit to. But, I can’t ignore what she said and my instinct is telling me to stick with her and tell her to file charges. But at the same time, if he really is innocent ans she’s just regretful, I’d feel so much guilt. But also at the same time, if it really was rape then I’d want him to be punished so much more than just his expulsion for her behalf.
What do I do?? What do I tell her??
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You don't get involved. This is her situation and her choicr
Original post by Anonymous
You don't get involved. This is her situation and her choicr
I just don’t like the idea of standing by and not doing anything - not if a maybe innocent guy gets wrongly accused and especially not if my friend was actually raped and needs my support??
the best thing to do is always believe the victim
I do believe there are sooooo many cases out there where the guy is falsely accused and it ruins his life. He could be innocent but sometimes deception can be soooo severe. People can come across sooo nice and caring but at their cores they are vile animals.
I would maybe suggest properly speak to your friend, ask her as she was looking forward to it so much, did she refuse to then have sex with him? if she did and he carried on then yeah thats rape.
But as you said she didn't like it much you should ask her more as to what she didn't like?
of course these are my suggestions but be very mindful in asking, if this is true you wouldn't want to upset your friend even more.
I would maybe suggest properly speak to your friend, ask her as she was looking forward to it so much, did she refuse to then have sex with him? if she did and he carried on then yeah thats rape.
But as you said she didn't like it much you should ask her more as to what she didn't like?
of course these are my suggestions but be very mindful in asking, if this is true you wouldn't want to upset your friend even more.
Tell her to shut her mouth, sex usually hurts the first time that isn't rape, a rape accusation sticks with a person throughout life so think about that before you give the green light for your friend to file charges.
Original post by Anonymous
I just don’t like the idea of standing by and not doing anything - not if a maybe innocent guy gets wrongly accused and especially not if my friend was actually raped and needs my support??
Above answer is right in my opinion, you don't. If you don't get involved then odds are the situation will sort itself out, if you get involved in something you state yourself you were not involved in you will likely make it worse.
Odds are the guy likely didn't mean to hurt her, he probably didn't hurt her much but it wasn't the experience she had imagined. Thing is in sex the guy often gets into it and it tends to be a case that naturally he just presses on, whether it is good sex he likely has no idea unless the girl is obviously is extreme pain. He was probably oblivious to any pain the girl may have been in it could probably easily be construed as her enjoying feeling it rather than expressions of pain. In any case I would just leave it, you don't want to be winding it up into a rape case against him, she consented, if it was bad sex and she didn't press to stop it then its just how it is, it happens a lot no one's fault so much.
(edited 2 years ago)
She clearly gave consent to sex, and so this isn't rape.
If she goes ahead and wrecks her boyfriend's life by claiming he raped her, then you need to be very wary of her.
Sometimes, cases of ACTUAL rape, where the woman or man is beaten to a pulp, damaged so badly that they need hospital treatment, are not taken to court and the rapist charged.
So if your friend does decide to waste police time, by a false rape charge, then she is going to be in big trouble.
I would avoid her if I were you.
If she goes ahead and wrecks her boyfriend's life by claiming he raped her, then you need to be very wary of her.
Sometimes, cases of ACTUAL rape, where the woman or man is beaten to a pulp, damaged so badly that they need hospital treatment, are not taken to court and the rapist charged.
So if your friend does decide to waste police time, by a false rape charge, then she is going to be in big trouble.
I would avoid her if I were you.
There was a girl I knew at school who would claim that her boyfriend was trying to murder her, or rape her, or whatever.
She would burst into tears and do the "poor me" acting job to get attention.
Once a person had comforted her and said, "do you think you better end this relationship with this guy?" then she would start the real drama.
She would go back to her boyfriend and say "This person says I shouldn't be with you because I am caucasion and your are black"
The guy would then get furious with the person who said that, (except they never did say it), and start a fight.
The girl would sit back and (I think) get a sexual turn on to see her boyfriend so hurt and angry.
So false accusations of rape, or attempted murder, or claims of racism that don't exist, can only come from a very dangerous type of person.
This girl is now a lawyer.
She would burst into tears and do the "poor me" acting job to get attention.
Once a person had comforted her and said, "do you think you better end this relationship with this guy?" then she would start the real drama.
She would go back to her boyfriend and say "This person says I shouldn't be with you because I am caucasion and your are black"
The guy would then get furious with the person who said that, (except they never did say it), and start a fight.
The girl would sit back and (I think) get a sexual turn on to see her boyfriend so hurt and angry.
So false accusations of rape, or attempted murder, or claims of racism that don't exist, can only come from a very dangerous type of person.
This girl is now a lawyer.
Original post by Anonymous
From what I know, my friend lost her virginity to her bf. They had planned it for a while now and he went the extra mile to make it special for her (flowers in bed and everything) and she was really excited for it. However, when I see them next, she’s in tears screaming at him saying how she hated the sex saying how much it hurt...etc and then when I go to try and diffuse the situation, she looks me dead in the eyes and asks me if she should file a rape charge against her bf. Her bf on the other hand stands there utterly defeated and angry saying how he had never forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do and since it was her first time, saying how he made a point of continually asking her if she was alright and she had never said otherwise however, at this point she’s inconsolable and screams rape and how she hopes he gets kicked out of school..etc
I really don’t know who to believe, since I wasn’t there obviously. I want so much to believe it wasn’t rape since he’s very much a good guy and a clear feminist and very sweet to her and my friend does have a history of blowing things out of proportion, which she does admit to. But, I can’t ignore what she said and my instinct is telling me to stick with her and tell her to file charges. But at the same time, if he really is innocent ans she’s just regretful, I’d feel so much guilt. But also at the same time, if it really was rape then I’d want him to be punished so much more than just his expulsion for her behalf.
What do I do?? What do I tell her??
I really don’t know who to believe, since I wasn’t there obviously. I want so much to believe it wasn’t rape since he’s very much a good guy and a clear feminist and very sweet to her and my friend does have a history of blowing things out of proportion, which she does admit to. But, I can’t ignore what she said and my instinct is telling me to stick with her and tell her to file charges. But at the same time, if he really is innocent ans she’s just regretful, I’d feel so much guilt. But also at the same time, if it really was rape then I’d want him to be punished so much more than just his expulsion for her behalf.
What do I do?? What do I tell her??
sounds like she didn't enjoy it and regrets it and blames him for it so wants to file rape charges
there should be a public database of women like this so other men know to avoid them in future..
Has your friend said anything more than "It hurt" and she didn't like it? Because that sounds much more like her expectations were too high for the first time, and also her inexperience.
If time had passed by and then she screamed at him when you next saw them, this sounds like she's making a scene in front of you, and blowing things out of proportion.
If time had passed by and then she screamed at him when you next saw them, this sounds like she's making a scene in front of you, and blowing things out of proportion.
It wasn't rape although he should leave someone who even thinks of reporting it just because it hurt, which is totally normal for a woman's first time.
Original post by Anonymous
the best thing to do is always believe the victim
Illogical, irrational and dumb.
Original post by JoshDarnIt_
Illogical, irrational and dumb.
I always remember that girl at school who liked to "Play the victim" just to see her boyfriend beat up somebody.
It isn't just girls of course. Boys can claim false victimhood too.
Original post by Celtic Conjurer
It wasn't rape although he should leave someone who even thinks of reporting it just because it hurt, which is totally normal for a woman's first time.
Part of me would love this to be a court case. A young couple planned this together. It was obviously consensual. And then the girl, in shock, cries rape. Would she get a prison sentence I wonder?
Original post by Bunny-hop123
Part of me would love this to be a court case. A young couple planned this together. It was obviously consensual. And then the girl, in shock, cries rape. Would she get a prison sentence I wonder?
I doubt the CPS would even decide to prosecute such a flimsy allegation.
If you want to talk it through with her, do that. The inconsistencies might disappear but might not. You shouldn't tell her to file charges, that's up to her and not really your choice. Ultimately you want to create a supportive environment for anyone who needs support and take context/history into account.
In this case if she was only talking about how it was "bad sex" and not about any coercion/forcing/inability to consent/etc., it's something she's really just got to learn from and clearly not rape. If communication was clear throughout, regret is kind of blameless and something you work on. It seems cold but if there's nothing in her account that suggests rape, I'd tell her that in a digestible way. It's in no-one's interest to try to escalate it when there's nothing to escalate, and when you risk destroying someone's life in the process. (wouldn't be hers) If she states any malintent, you should keep record of it.
In this case if she was only talking about how it was "bad sex" and not about any coercion/forcing/inability to consent/etc., it's something she's really just got to learn from and clearly not rape. If communication was clear throughout, regret is kind of blameless and something you work on. It seems cold but if there's nothing in her account that suggests rape, I'd tell her that in a digestible way. It's in no-one's interest to try to escalate it when there's nothing to escalate, and when you risk destroying someone's life in the process. (wouldn't be hers) If she states any malintent, you should keep record of it.
(edited 2 years ago)
Original post by HoldThisL
well, it's still a weak and one-dimensional thing to say, but from the friend-to-friend standpoint it's possible to have something more nuanced than either "he raped you" or "shut up dumb *****" which comes down to being more consoling
However, if this girl is a liar, or is into hysterical victim fantasies, or just wants attention because she is immature.... then..... why should this be the problem of the person who is trying to console her.
Any person who gets in the firing line of this type, will end up being one of her victims.
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