Books for men who don't help their wives?

Hello!
So, I'm really really angry. My stepdad takes so little part out of the housework whilst my mum does 90% of it.
They both work, same hours, they're both the bosses of their own bakery. Difference? They get home, stepdad flops down on the couch to watch TV and my mum starts cleaning (dishes, laundry, hoover, dusting).

I've tried asking her several times to tell him to help out more. She barely does. She believes he does more work at work because he deals with the online bits, so this is her way of making the effort equal. However, she's the one who deals with the workers, all the drama, all the training, hiring and payments. It equals out there. Unfortunately, her internalized misogyny says otherwise.

Every day, I respect him less and less. I barely interact with him anymore because I am angry with him and I don't respect him. I hate him for doing this to her and I'm angry with my mum for allowing it. So I need some suggestions, because he clearly needs guidance, like a 5 year old, on how to complete simple tasks.

Any ideas? Or have you had similar experiences and how have you dealt with it? Don't tell me to mind my own business, because she is my mother and when I move out I don't want her to be a slave to my stepdad.

Reply 1

Foxehh

Im sure he would be much more willing to help out if you told him directly things that need to get done rather than the vague 'can you help out more?' and getting angry with him. Ie, 'the laundry needs to get done and mum is busy with ____, would you mind going and doing that?' Its probably unclear what you want from him if your mother already does everything without seeming to mind.

Though have you spoken to your mum about it? As quick as you are to blame it on her 'internalized misogyny', have you considered that maybe she genuinely likes doing the housework? Your mother is the one being affected, if she doesnt take any issue with it then theres not much of a reason to make a big deal over it.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Foxehh

I have spoken to her about it, and her response was what I said in the post : "She believes he does more work at work because he deals with the online bits, so this is her way of making the effort equal.". And after I told her about her dealing with the workers and like legit everything else, she was relieved that she does enough. But even then, nothing much changed. And no she doesn't enjoy it, because she is tired and stressed, she's exhausted because of it. I help her, it was always me helping her, whilst I was in school and I also had homework and home study, and still she kept getting upset with me for not doing more to help her out, whilst my stepdad did next to nothing. I think this is just what she is used to, because my actual dad did absolutely nothing. They were together for over 10 years and the only thing he has done was wash the dishes twice. In 10 years. Twice. She admitted it may be that she believes it's her work because she's a woman, and she admitted that's wrong. She's tired all the time, and stressed, and she redirects that onto me. I can't ask my stepdad to do things, because he gets defensive, he's like "well why don't you do it?" . One time I asked him to fold the clothes. He said he will, then he forgot and didn't and I had to.

Reply 3

anosmianAcrimony

In this end this is your mom’s problem, not yours, and trying to butt in will probably be unproductive and just make you unpopular with both of them. There are some problems that you can’t fix for other people; they have to come to their own realisations.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by anosmianAcrimony

You're right. But she's my mother, I can't allow her to be treated like a servant, she deserves so much better than that.

Reply 5

Compost

Original post by Foxehh

Much as I'm with you that the majority of men do not do a fair share of housework, the obvious response from the stepdad to the suggestion above is for the OP to do it herself

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 6

bones-mccoy

Original post by Anonymous

You're right. But she's my mother, I can't allow her to be treated like a servant, she deserves so much better than that.

I understand your frustration, but your mum is a grown adult with the ability to make decisions for herself, if she has a problem with doing the bulk of the housework then she needs to address it. You can't force her to stand up for herself.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 7

funkyman10

if your mum has no problem with it, eat it up and leave them alone.
if she does, she can stand up for herself. nobody wants a mini feminazi ranting all day about men in their house.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

I mean dealing with emails, posting on social media, taking some online orders. Our accountant does most of the money stuff, and the rest they do together.
My stepdad is clearly happy, as he doesn't do much. My mum is clearly not, she is stressed all the time and takes it out on others.
I tried, but he's not gonna do what I ask, as I'm younger so I'm not in authority at all, he won't do it unless my mum says.
Of course, I help my mum out with all the housework, we share it between us when I'm home. But I'm not home half the week, and those days it's all on her.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by bones-mccoy

That is also correct, but she is afraid of causing strain in their relationship with this and her internalised misogyny is holding her back from saying anything. Thing is, my mum never says when something is wrong to anyone. She doesn't say anything for a long long time and it builds up in her and then she explodes on whoever is around her at that time. Which is me, most of the time. When I was little, we were at a restaurant/bar and she was annoyed and upset that my stepdad was drinking so much alcohol, she didn't say anything to anyone. Then, I accidentally spilled my drink and some of it landed on her, so in response she basically slapped me (lightly). She was awfully guilty about it afterwards, she apologised and tried to make up for it. The same happens to this day, my stepdad annoys her and she takes it out on me (not physically, that was one time, just verbally). I hope that explosion lands on my stepdad next time, but as long as I'm in the house it's unlikely. And even after that, I'm afraid she will just be so afraid of causing strain between them that she will just suck it up and allow my stepdad to do nothing.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by funkyman10

if your mum has no problem with it, eat it up and leave them alone.
if she does, she can stand up for herself. nobody wants a mini feminazi ranting all day about men in their house.

Can you read? Are you able to use your eyes? Maybe some interpretation isn't too much for you? I've said many times she has a problem with it, have you not cared to notice? If wanting equality and peace is being a feminazi, then I sure as hell am one. I want a mini feminazi ranting about men all day in my house, because that influences positive change towards a better life.