He treats his female friend equal to his girlfriend

So there’s this guy I’ve been dating for a couple months now, and in the beginning, he knew this girl for almost a year. Much longer than me. And she always posted hints to her liking him on her profile page and he never got the hint until I pointed it out to her because she had said, “I feel like my crush is talking to someone now and I’m afraid to confront him.” So I knew it was me. And so she confessed her feelings after this post and he sent me her confession, still oblivious that she liked him because she wasn’t telling him straight out. So I told him and he said he would talk to her about it. Now, my boyfriend is a role player, who does fantasy smut and he’d been doing this with her. So I asked if he wouldn’t because it makes me uncomfortable and he said he would just not roleplay at all anymore. And then I found out he was still roleplaying with her and I told him again that if he needs to do smut to get it out of his system, then come to me because I’m his girlfriend. And then he suggested we do a group roleplay and I said we could so I can see her intentions. And he said he wouldn’t want to do it so there’s “favoritism” so he would make two male characters for both of us and private message for the smut scenes...so he wasn’t getting it through his head that I didn’t want him doing smut with her. He was telling me how he wouldn’t invite her to things if I was around and he’d keep interactions separate because he didn’t want her to feel jealous. And I was trying to explain that I’m his girlfriend and I deserve benefits and if she can’t deal with that, then she shouldn’t be around because it seems like he’s treating us equally. Am I going crazy 😅?

role play? smut? isn’t he like openly cheating on you unless I don’t understand what these mean? I don’t think your crazy I would be dropped him time ago I haven’t got the patience for that nonsense

he didn’t want her to feel jealous.

Right.... so he does know that she likes him, otherwise he wouldn’t be saying this




What it looks like is he was doing the smut scenes as his little thing with her before you got introduced, and now you’re ruining whatever they both had going on. Which is expected, ngl, but can still equally be navigated.


The fact that he said he’d not do it with her and still did it seems as though he really liked role playing with her - and even given the fact that she confessed her crush for him, even seems like there’s a mutual feeling between them...


Tbh, if he really loved and valued whatever you had going on, he will make you trust him that it’s nothing more than a role play. But it’s going to be hard to now since he’s flat-out lied to your face about not doing it with her anymore - he didn’t play his cards right there ngl...


On the other hand, it’s still just his female friend at the end of the day. Actively controlling him to stop is a red flag from you. But your feelings aren’t invalid in no way shape or form.
I don’t think you’re going crazy by saying you want benefits but it does seem like you want to ruin what they have plus you don’t trust him.

I think that, given the history of her liking him, he needs to snap into reality and see what she’s trying to do. Has she really stopped crushing on him? Who knows?

Oh she’s told me straight out that she’s trying to get over him..and I know if seems like I don’t trust him, but that’s only because he said he wouldn’t and then I found out they did. It’s just the fact that to me, which I’ve told him, it’s like sexting. And I personally think that he just can’t say no to her. But then he goes off and says that when I roleplay smut with him, it’s “magical” because it’s me. But then, he always pushes it away when I offer to roleplay with him so he can get all of that out of his system because this is a turn on for him, and getting it from her makes me feel ill 😓

As a female friend, she should then talk to him about the smut scenes and how it’s making you feel..

At least there would now be, some, consideration. But if she has reassured you that there’s nothing going on between them, it should (idealistically speaking) be still acceptable to do it with her.

It’s just role playing at the end of the day..

I think you need to decide and think carefully on what you want to happen... if you make him stop role playing with her, do you really think he would be happy?

Similarly, if he continued then does he really care about your feelings?

It’s one of those things where someone has to accept it, but it seems rather difficult for him to do so because it’s like normal for him.

I think, personally, he just needs a word with her on how it’s making you feel and maybe reduce the times he does it with her? If not, you might be better suited with someone else.
(Or, at the very least, give you some benefits).

im assuming this roleplay is sexual? i personally would count that as cheating. it would be fine if you didnt see it as cheating as every couple has their own boundaries, but youre clearly upset and uncomfortable with it. i think you need to have a conversation and be straight up about how youre feeling, theres no point being subtle about it bc hes clearly not getting the hint. he should be able to respect that you dont like the idea of him basically sexting with another girl, and if he doesnt want to stop, he clearly has some sort of attachment to her and its up to you whether you wanna put up with it.

I’ve told him that I don’t want him to give up roleplaying altogether. To me it seems like he only wants to roleplay with her, which is why it seems like he’s treating her equally. He claims that I make roleplaying amazing asks perfect, and yet he doesn’t want to when I offer. And the fact that he has 15 people he roleplays with at the least doesn’t make sense why he would absolutely need to do smut with her. And I’ve even suggested like post that we’re together on his feed so I’d at least know that boundaries from others are clear and they know that he’s taken. But he still gets defensive about doing smut with her and her only. Which makes me overthink his feelings for the two of us...

If he’s continuing to role play with her and it seems like he’s not going to stop at the expense of your wishes, you might be better suited with someone else.

It might just be your little deal breaker thing - which is perfectly normal to have. The fact that he doesn’t want you whenever you offer, might just mean he wants to do it with her....

This is like emotional cheating at this point. It’s up to you on how you react, but I hope I provided a different spin on your perspective.

You absolutely did bring out a different perspective that I’m taking into account 100% because- and do you mind me asking if you’re a female or male (or other) because I think guys have a different spin on things. Which is totally fine, but I can’t read guys very well all the time and it’s nice seeing that point of view and their thoughts. Like, okay, for my mom, she doesn’t let me dad watch movies with any kind of women exposing things, and to me that’s fine because it’s like watching porn. You’re not interacting to the point where it’s with someone else and I’m completely fine with that sort of thing. If that makes sense? 🤣 But yes, absolutely it helped, and I appreciate it so much!!

I’m a guy.
Yeah, I completely understand what you mean. There’s only so much you can do though, if it isn’t drilling into his head then maybe you’re better off without him. Clearly there’s no common ground here.

Well I really think you have a point then 🤔 I’ll have to look at it from a guy’s standpoint at times I think because all-in-all, females have different ideas than guys with this kind of thing and I may just need to accept that. And that’s absolutely true. And I guess it makes sense because I asked if he’d be okay if I roleplayed with guys with smut and how he’d feel? And he said he would be okay with it? I wasn’t going to, because I don’t feel comfortable, but yeah, I don’t know 🤣

Exactly. You’re not to comfortable with stuff like that but he is - this is a clear incompatibility.

There’s also so much good to him and this is literally the one thing that makes me question things. But he’s someone who says how proud he is of you, tells you you’re not perfect since nobody is, but he wouldn’t have you any other way. He’s someone who will have civilized conversations and good arguments on perspectives such as homeschooling versus public school. He points out the things he appreciates or likes without question and talks about the future. He doesn’t make crude comments and he didn’t jump into anything sexual with me, like so many other guys have done before him. And that’s why I think he really is a good guy, because I feel like he’s trying to make us work and do whatever is best for me, and maybe I’m the hassle here...it’s just whenever this topic is brought up he shuts down and I never know what’s going on in his head because he’s afraid he’ll say something I don’t like. Are any of these signs he’s a good guy? 😅 I think it’s just been this past week that everything has piled up in this way and it’s hard seeing the positive things at the moment, but he’s made me happy more than he’s hurt me this way.

Sounds good to me. But that’s just like saying that, if he cheated on you, you will also recognise all the good he’s done to you. That doesn’t really eliminate the impact that he has when cheating on you, does it?

Similar principle can be applicable here, although not as bad as cheating. It’s up to how you view it.

Yeah that’s true. So I had my guy friend talk to him last night because he was telling me that he didn’t understand what I was trying to say, and I’d been asking my friend about it because he’s had a healthy relationship for two years now. And he was okay with talking from his perspective of the situation since my boyfriend hasn’t told his guy friends about me yet (only because we’re distanced right now and haven’t met in person yet other than voice calls and FaceTimes) and he wants to make sure I’m the right one obviously before he makes a big deal to his family and friends. He’s someone who doesn’t like to get his hopes up. Which I understand completely. But I’d told a couple of my friends because they’re protective of me, so anyways, they talked, and apparently he understood better according to my friend. He said he was going to take a step back for a while and collect himself, but he was going to stay with me. And y’know, I may just be interpreting things wrong here...maybe I’m just really possessive? 😓 But I really care about him and I see a future with him. We’ve talked for hours and hours and gotten to know each other. And he said he’d drop roleplaying when I brought it up again, but at that point I just wasn’t sure. Also there’s the fact that he gets attached to people who basically feed his ego because he’s self conscious and everything. Apparently I made him more confident in himself though. Besides that, I’m not sure what his intentions are? And if he doesn’t see it as cheating? Which I’m not sure what he thinks after the talk with my friend because he told him to tell me he needed a breather and yo think things through. I’m just wondering where his head is at right now I suppose. And I apologize for this dramatic rant. I just really need to get it off my chest and I’m appreciating feeling listened to.

Ah, so you haven’t met your boyfriend in person yet? Has he met the other girl in person yet?

Yeah, sometimes when you hear it from someone else you really think about it.. I guess. He’s probably going to make a decision to stop doing it with her..


Nah, not at all. I think you just love him tbh. Nothing wrong with feeling this way.
His intentions is that he probably thought it was normal and nothing would happen as a result of role play, but now he has to think of what to do since it’s making you uncomfortable.

He should eventually listen to you and respect your wishes if he really wanted to stay with you.

He actually has not met her in person, no, which makes me feel a bit more secure. And yeah..I do love him. 🥺😔 He’s literally the world to me and I want to make it work with him because I can’t imagine being able to leave him or not talk to him because he’s my biggest supporter and comfort at the end of the day. He won’t reply to any of my messages currently because he deleted our message app for the time being so it’s out of sight out of mind. Just to give him space. And I really think he will too, but this has has my mind in a twist for days now. 👉🏻👈🏻 But I really appreciate this man, you have no idea how nice it is to hear from a guy who ISN’T blunt like my friend how this may be affecting my own guy...