Ok so basically I think I might have a crush on my friend? I don’t have super strong feelings towards her so it’s not obvious to me if what I’m feeling is a crush or just me liking her a lot as a friend? I know it’s probably a dumb question I just find feelings confusing and get platonic & romantic feelings muddled. The last relationship I was in ended when I realised I wasn’t actually attracted to her I just had really strong platonic feelings for her and mistook it for having a crush so yeah I don’t want that to happen again lol.
Anyway, I’ll shut up about that and try and explain how I’m feeling now:
Basically I’ve noticed I’m thinking about her A LOT recently, replaying moments of her smiling at me or us joking around and stuff in my head, and it feels like she’s occupying my thoughts a little too much, more than a friend should normally be in my thoughts?? I also feel kinda light and fuzzy when I think about moments with her, and just when I think about her in general. It’s not super strong but it’s definitely there. And I feel kinda nervous when I see her around sometimes. When I’m with her I really enjoy her company, I feel happier than I do when I’m interacting with most of my other friends, and slightly giddy which makes me think I might have a crush. I don’t know if I’m physically attracted to her, she’s not really conventionally attractive but I do find her kinda cute. Ive found myself sort of checking her out sometimes, looking at her lips and stuff but it’s only because I’m trying to decide if I’m physically attracted to her. I don’t think there’s any sexual attraction there but I have had sexual thoughts about her (not about us having sex but more about her being naked, and it’s weirdly kinda appealing), but my brain has weird thoughts sometimes and I didn’t really feel turned on when I thought about it, but I have thought about it. Multiple times. Could just be random invasive thoughts though. I don’t think of other friends that way though (except for one who I’m definitely physically attracted to but I have no actual feelings for her).
Anyway, I don’t think I could actually imagine us in a relationship, but I can’t deny that I’m feeling some typa way for her, it feels different to my feelings for other friends.
The thing is idk whether I like her even more than I realise but I’ve just been in denial and mentally trying to put it out of my head (bc this is the first time I’ve properly acknowledged to myself that I might have a crush, despite feeling this way for a while), or maybe I don’t even like her that way and now that I’ve had that little suspicion that I like her she won’t get out my brain and maybe that’s why I’m thinking about her loads. Like maybe I’ve made my brain think I like her and now it’s acting like I do? I’m probably just really overthinking it tbh. I think I’m just confused because she’s my friend and I feel weird thinking about her in a more-than-friends sorta way.
I doubt there’s anything anyone can really say to help, I don’t expect anyone to help either, this is more just a way of me releasing all these thoughts in a rant. Idk if any of this even makes sense, I’m bad at explaining things. If you’ve read this far, sorry, I know I’m a confused mess lmao.