Hi,
This is a really good essay given the time constraints, good job
I am no expert on essay writing (that’s why I’m here lol), but I will try my best to give you some feedback - just take it with a pinch of salt.
Firstly, I really like your use of counter arguments. It’s something I find particularly tricky so I admire the way you rebuted them. “Thus the right to live a life with dignity is actually preserved through abortion” - I think this is a really strong way to round of your paragraph on counter arguments! Similarly, I like the way you provide an alternative to preventing unsafe sex, other than making abortions illegal. I think both of your counter arguments were especially well argued.
I also like how you used a recent example of current events in Texas - it shows a good knowledge of what is going on in the world!
As for improving, I think you need to concentrate on language.
Firstly make sure you keep it formal - it can be easy to veer off into something more chatty, but it’s important you retain the same tone throughout. Some examples include “I also want to talk about..” This isn’t formal language and could be better phrased as “furthermore”, “in addition”, “it’s also important to look at..” or something along those lines. have a look at some connecting phrases on google, they always help me! Using linking words would help make your signposting slightly less clunky.
Maybe instead of “in my opinion” you could say “this essay will argue” or “I will argue”. Or when you say “might not have a single clue” would maybe sound more formal said as “might be utterly unaware” Again these are just my thoughts and I may well be talking rubbish (probs am!) But just try to keep a formal tone, in short!
Secondly, make sure you use words in the right context. Think about the point you are trying to make and which word would best illustrate it, and don’t use any words which you are uncertain about the meaning of. You are trying to build an argument, not flaunt your vocabulary so don’t be afraid to keep it simple. For example, “deteriorate it’s quality of life” would be better said as “negatively impact” or “lower” it’s quality of life maybe? Same goes for “deter” ones quality of life, it doesn’t quite fit.
Also don’t bring new points into the conclusion - such as your one about abortion not being permitted in instances where parents want a child of a particular gender. This would be better placed in a paragraph in the main body of your essay, where you can fully elaborate on why you think these sorts of abortions are wrong.
Remember to structure your paragraphs in PEEL format - Point, Evidence, Explain, Link to question. If you don’t have hard evidence or statistics - which you likely won’t - use something hypothetical (you did this well) or just elaborate on how your point answers the question. Basically, the conclusion shouldn’t bring in new points, and should really either summarise what you have said, or put your argument into a wider context to make it ultra impactful - eg the future of women’s reproductive rights.
Another thing I really liked was the fact that you defined what an abortion was in your introduction and talked of the global impact of the issue.
I also really like the sentence where you talk of a woman being “robbed of the right” to live the life she wants - the alliteration makes it sound fluent. Overall, I think you close off your paragraphs in an impactful way which is great. .
Again I think you brought up a lot of very interesting and strong points and argued them well, which is the most important thing - just more care over language would make it even better!
Well done for your essay! As I said I’m terrible at giving out feedback, but I hope something i said is helpful in some way
Also sorry if there are loads of mistakes in this - it probably seems really hypocritical to give feedback on your essay in a response riddled with mistakes, but I’m tired so I apologise!
Ellie