From as long as I can remember (3 years old) I have struggled with my mental health with depression and anxiety. I have always felt separated from society and as if everybody knows something which I don’t. My emotions change 100 times a day but they are far more than fleeting emotions; more like eternal truths though they may only last a couple of hours. I can switch between feeling euphoria and dread in the space of a conversation.
As I’ve grown older, I have noticed how much it has affected my ability to maintain and engage in relationships both romantically and with friends. From around 15 I began using alcohol as a way out, even drinking during school. I have self -harmed as well but as a last resort. I have an unhealthy relationship which alcohol which is partly due from seeing that around me when growing up.
I could go on for ages saying how mentally exhausted I feel from simply just surviving and it is affecting my relationship with my girlfriend and I’m so scared to lose her.
I have finally been able to seek help now I have moved out to university (couldn’t at home as sister has clinical depression and I could not place another burden on the family). After trying CBT my therapist suggested that it was not for me as I need counselling first. I have only been allocated 6 counselling sessions and I am about to have my last one, however, I feel 100 times worse than I did when I started and I’m scared that it is going to end and I’ll be left alone. My fear is being told that there is nothing wrong with me and that I have to carry on fending for myself like this. I rung my GP to explain this and he suggested that I’m not mentally ill - just an unsociable person who struggles to connect with people. I have begged both my GP and counsellor to speak to someone about at the very least being assessed. I understand BPD is similar to other mental illnesses, and I understand that I very well may not have BPD, but I know 100% that my brain is not normal. I cried when I discovered BPD because I connected with the symptoms so much. I have finally gone out to seek help, however, I feel so ignored. This is a lot but I had to get it out because I feel as if no one is listening to me and I’m deteriorating so much and I know if I don’t get the proper help then I will end up taking drastic actions later in life but i just want to be happy, please help me.