[Trigger warning] I tried to explain consent to my bf, am I to blame?

That was difficult to read. It must have been hard to write down as well - well done for doing so. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

100% agree with the posts above - it's not your fault, and he didn't respect you or your boundaries. It sounds like you've had a really challenging and potentially traumatic set of experiences. Have you considered reaching out for support? There are a range of avenues through which you can get help via the NHS if you want to do so, or you could talk to a friend or relative you trust.

I don't know if it's my fault and I feel so depressed, I don't know if I just ruined things, or if I'll always be alone because of PTSD from sexual assault and violence.

You're not at fault, you didn't ruin anything, and you will not always be alone. There are people out there who are understanding, will reflect on their actions when you explain that you don't like something, and won't try to make you out to be the problem. Your ex just isn't one of them.

He handled it badly and blamed you without taking any responsibility for his actions. To make myself look like a bit of an ass here, I can relate to your boyfriend, in that I occasionally overstep one of my girlfriend's limits (biting somewhere she dislikes) without thinking. When she reminds me I immediately stop and apologise. She's not at fault in anyway for not liking it, and one day I'll remember without being reminded, but until then it's a good thing that she reminds me whenever I do it - and I'm glad that she is comfortable enough with me to say no to me. I've never gotten angry, annoyed, or made little jabs at her for not liking it or telling me to stop. Any decent person should be able to listen to their partner telling them that something they are doing is painful or uncomfortable and be sympathetic to that.

In these situations the only solution is to throw out the whole boyfriend. If he attempts to come back to you, don't let him. If he didn't respect your boundaries before then he won't do so even if he promises to.

Why do you keep ending up in relationships with dyckheads like this?

Most men do not behave this way.

Why are you blaming me for their actions? I went out with people because they were nice, they ran charity and community projects, we had mutual friends, they were nice to everyone we met, they established my trust. One partner became physically violent after we had been together some time. Another man I was seeing who I trusted had won a Turner Prize award for community projects (Louis Schultz of Assemble), and I thought he was intelligent and kind, and good with others and kids he hosted workshops for, and it wasn't until we had sex that he was violent and forcibly held me down against my will, and when I said I was not a submissive, hit me across the head. The man who raped me had been my friend for 3 years, I gave no sign I liked him in that way, we were just friends. His friends offered me their sofa the last night I was in New Zealand and he was due to take me to the airport. He got on top of me and started kissing me, I said 'wait, stop" and he laughed then entered me and raped me.

I trusted all of these men, THEY should not have hurt me or raped me, and it is not my fault. 90% of abuse and sexual assault is carried out by people that survivors knew and trusted. The question is why do so many men, who act like they know better and are better people, behave this way in private, or once they have deliberately tried to earn our trust and make us feel safe? And if this happens to 1 in 3 women, this is being done by a lot more men than you think. These people were friends, my partners, and we had many mutual friends who likewise thought they were good people; many men do behave this way, and some of them are in fact our friends.

I'm not trying to blame you. But if there is anything more you can do to prevent these kinds of experiences, it is something worth thinking about.

I don't believe that most men are like this at all. I believe it's a minority, somewhere maybe in the region of 5-25% depending a lot on what kinds of people you surround yourself with. Fundamentally, they act this way because it gives them an ego boost via some sense of control they have of another person. This desire to boost their ego and acquire a sense of control is likely a result of serious inner insecurities, and it can manifest in various ways. Sexual self-gratification at the expense of other people, is one of those ways. But there are other ways, and you can learn to look out for these hints prior to trusting someone intimately.

They often are superficial people. They will behave one way in one context, and in a contrasting way in a different context. I am not talking about when people withhold certain information depending on who they're dealing with. Most do that: you do not talk the same way to your friends as to your boss at work, obviously. I am talking about the kinds of people that generate false impressions that contradict one another, depending on who the are dealing with. This is not normal, or good. Yet, I have known people who do think this is normal, because they were raised by parents like this and surrounded by people like this. Someone who was raised like that, will not see the issue with it the same way I for example do. It's like describing colour to the colourblind. It's difficult.

These kinds are very appearance-oriented. They can partake in the charitable work that you mentioned, only provided it strengthens their false reputation as a 'good person'. When nobody is looking, they do not care (analogous to my earlier description of their 'contrasting behaviors'). Reputation, reputation, reputation. Always grooming their self-image and even adapting it depending on who their audience is.

If you're attracted to guys of a certain 'social status' and a certain self-image of that sorts, or attracted to people (not just guys) like that in general, then you're more likely to end up dealing with their toxic behaviors behind the scenes when nobody is looking and they are less self-conscious of their deprived true nature to hide it then.

That is what I was getting at with my earlier question. Lots of women pay far too much attention to men's status and image, when both are easily faked. Those men who aren't faking it, likely aren't craving and pursuing the same amount of 'reputation' (or attention) as those that are faking it. Those who aren't faking it, just appear more normal & average.

I don't think this is an appropriate discussion to have right now.

We're allowed different opinions. I wouldn't post something if I didn't think it contributed something useful, or at least another perspective to think about. My perspective could be wrong, but it's worth exploring at least.

I love him and just wanted everything to be ok, he gets annoyed and impatient if I ever try to talk about consent or seek reassurance if something doesn't feel right, and I just feel like I've ruined it once and for all last night, it was horrible. I don't know what to think but I think it was my fault for slapping him and shouting back.

I'm not trying to blame you. But if there is anything more you can do to prevent these kinds of experiences, it is something worth thinking about.

I don't believe that most men are like this at all. I believe it's a minority, somewhere maybe in the region of 5-25% depending a lot on what kinds of people you surround yourself with. Fundamentally, they act this way because it gives them an ego boost via some sense of control they have of another person. This desire to boost their ego and acquire a sense of control is likely a result of serious inner insecurities, and it can manifest in various ways. Sexual self-gratification at the expense of other people, is one of those ways. But there are other ways, and you can learn to look out for these hints prior to trusting someone intimately.

They often are superficial people. They will behave one way in one context, and in a contrasting way in a different context. I am not talking about when people withhold certain information depending on who they're dealing with. Most do that: you do not talk the same way to your friends as to your boss at work, obviously. I am talking about the kinds of people that generate false impressions that contradict one another, depending on who they are dealing with. This is not normal, or good. It's actually very bad. Yet, I have known people who do think this is normal, because they were raised by parents like this and surrounded by people like this. Someone who was raised like that, will not see the issue with it the same way I for example do, and will therefore neglect to eliminate these kinds of people from their life. It's like describing colour to the colourblind. It's difficult.

These kinds are very appearance-oriented. They can partake in the charitable work that you mentioned, only provided it strengthens their false reputation as a 'good person'. When nobody is looking, they do not care (analogous to my earlier description of their 'contrasting behaviors'). Reputation, reputation, reputation. Always grooming their self-image and even adapting it depending on who their audience is.

If you're attracted to guys of a certain 'social status' and a certain self-image of that sorts (which I am not necessarily criticising, as I have some 'standards' too), or attracted to people (not just guys) like that in general, then you're more likely to end up dealing with their toxic behaviors behind the scenes when nobody is looking and they are less self-conscious of their deprived true nature to hide it then. Unless you need to improve at spotting fakes.

That is what I was getting at with my earlier question. Lots of women pay far too much attention to men's status and image, when both are easily faked. Those men who aren't faking it, likely aren't craving and pursuing the same amount of 'reputation' (or attention) as those that are faking it. Those who aren't faking it, just appear more normal & average, even if they're not necessarily.