So I'm currently doing my PGCE at MMU and the past few months have been the toughest months of my life. Returning from a long summer of depression and suicidal thoughts I was hopeful that getting on with a career I've been interested in for a long time would give me an opportunity to give me a sense of purpose, changing the lives of the students around me was an exciting endeavour.
However, after around 10 weeks in school, I am completely burnt out and whatever passion I had for teaching has been completely snuffed. Being throw into the deep end with very little support from the teachers around me has made my life a nightmare. Spending the entire day working and planning lessons only for my evenings being spent planning lessons and marking books for the following days, not to mention the level of work expected to be completed by university. What initially kept me busy and motivated has slowly overwhelmed and consumed whatever life I used to live and has now destroyed whatever life I want to live after.
So many people are telling me to stay because there's only a handful of weeks left, but I keep seeing this from the aspect of what do I want my future to hold. Becoming depressed and suicidal again while buried in a sea of paperwork is the only thing I'm envisioning, and I'm unsure how long I think I could live on such a sharp knife's edge.
Tomorrow I'm getting a call from my university mentor and she's going to try and support me and convince me to stay but I feel like my mind was already made up months ago. The lack of apathy from the children and school has already affected me, and I don't know if completing the course will help change my views on everything now.