Hi,
I know this title is crazy, but I've got some things I'd like to get off my chest.
I met this guy online and have been talking to him every day since we met about 8 months ago. To begin with I really felt like I clicked with him, we get on in a way that I've never really experienced before, despite us coming from completely different worlds. A few months ago he moved to the U.K for his job in the Air Force and we've been meeting nearly every weekend since.
Early on we had a conversation about what our goals are in life, and with both of us coming from religious backgrounds we value marriage and the idea of a family and I explained to him that I won’t date anyone unless I can see a real possibility of a future with them and he said it way the same for him (?), and with that in mind we began dating.
To begin with, he was kind to me, polite and seemed genuinely into me, but the more we spoke and met I could feel him becoming less interested in me. I've known his political views are different to mine, he says he's neutral but some of the things he says sometimes are very much right wing. Which I don't have an issue with - I believe people are entailed to different opinions, as long as they're respectful, but it does make me wonder about how be perceives me - a muslim girl, a daughter of immigrants.
Ever since knowing him I've felt my self esteem lower, he barely compliments me, never remembers any details about me sometimes even forgets to ask about my day. Whenever I bring up an idea I have for a project he discourages me and i cant help but feel like he's judgemental of me. I can feel myself withdrawing and losing confidence. I look to him for approval, I want to make him happy, but I just never can. We met recently and I saw that someone had painted his nail, I asked him about it and he just brushed it off. I'm not sure if that really bothers me because we never really agreed to being in a relationship but it makes me think that maybe he doesn't value our 'relationship' enough to set boundaries with other women.
At this point I feel depressed, I know I deserve better - I want better, I'm tired of his toxic patterns and letting him make me feel insufficient. But I just feel trapped in a cycle of trying to let him go and then him love bombing me telling me how he needs me and he can't let go. And my dumbass falls for it every time. I don't know if i love him, but the idea of dropping him leaves an empty feeling in my chest. I'm in my last year of uni and struggling to cope with his impact on my self esteem and work pressures.
I need some advice. I'm genuinely struggling. Please be kind to me lol I'm at a breaking point.
Thank you