Of all mistakes in my life, the worst I have ever made is I had a deep crush on a female teacher while in high school 10 years ago, which is known by everyone in my cohort & used to make me a laughing stock.
10 years on, I am now a PGR student, no matter how I deceive myself into believing that time could flush everything out, I am still suffering from the aftermath of my laughable teenage obsession.
When I graduated from high school 7 years ago & entered university, I could not integrate with the university community because I missed her - as well as the rosy-tinted high school days - so much. I ruined my 4 years of undergrad mostly because of that.
I did have a crush on a female schoolmate when I was an undergrad, it did not end well because she felt it, distanced herself from me & deleted me from her Instagram's list of followers 2 days before our graduation ceremony.
After my self-destruction of undergrad life, I worked on 2 awful temporary jobs, which I lost within a year due to the COVID recession, which further took a toll on me mentally.
Back then, my only psychological burden was that female teacher & the memories associated with her. Right now, my psychological burden also includes the 4 years of undergrad life I ruined, which, together, has been too much for me to bear.
That female teacher got married 4 years ago. I have stopped making contact with her since 2020 as well. While undergrad, I mailed her seasonal greeting cards twice a year as a sign of decency & she would reciprocate with thanks via social media whenever she received one from me. Relationship is cordial. However, I have stopped doing so since 2020 when I decided to break with my awful past.
I can never forgive myself, nor can I ever reconcile with my past self. This stigma follows & probably will follow me for the rest of my life. It is more difficult than the hardest quantum mechanical problem in the world. No matter how I try to live normally, this keeps hurting, even crippling my ability to smile.
I can never really love another girl. I can never develop a sincere relationship. I don't know if it is because of her. I no longer love her, honestly, but it continues hurting me. I am extremely sensitive to words like "obsession" or "infatuation" because they mean what I did before.
I wrote this as I sobbed on my bed, under my blanket. My heart aches - I don't know why. I feel devastated by the nonsense in past 10 years. I have lost faith in literally everything, including my research studies.
To female users who come across my post:
How would you feel if you know a man who is or used to be extremely obsessed with you?