extreme anger towards my mother.

please read all of this before you make a judgement. Thank you.

I think 2 days ago, I had just finished my GCSEs. I, and my parents, are extremely aware of how hard working I am and have been for the past 2 years of GCSEs and I have been trying my ultimate best. I made many sacrifices at the time, which may have been unnecessary. My parents wouldn’t let me go out with my friends during the 2 years - definitely not as much as other people in my class. I think in total, I had been out with my friends only 3 times within 2 whole years. I wish I was exaggerating but I am not. My parents are quite strict, but they always told me not to go out because I should focus on my education and work instead. I was mature and agreed with them for 2 whole years and I never put a foot down.

now, GCSEs are over. I have been out with my friends twice. I really tried to work as hard as I could during GCSES hoping that this summer would be the best summer ever.
I asked my mother if I could go out with a friend next Thursday as no one is home and she’ll be at work. She said ‘no’ because I’ve already seen my friends.
I tried to make her elaborate on that and she said that it ‘doesn’t look nice wondering around and that I might get into bad things’
That angered me so much. She said a few days ago about how mature I am and she knows that I am responsible yet she won’t let me out of the house until a ‘few weeks’.
At home, all I’ve been doing is cleaning and I’ve been shouted at multiple times and I really need to get out of here. I even requested if I could have a part time job/summer job so I could have something to occupy me and I could earn some money. My dad said I could, other family members said I could but my mother said no.
i am so angered.
My mother even asked my sister if I should be going out and about with my friends and my sister (who is 6 years older than me) said I shouldn’t because the first time she was able to go out was when she was at uni.
She doesn’t understand that we are two different people and that there is a reason as to why my parents never trusted her to go out. I am more responsible and my parents know that, so me being compared to someone who is totally different to me DOESNT count at all!
I’m just really upset about this as now I feel as though I won’t have a nice summer and I’ll just be stuck at home with my family for 2 whole months.
my mother not letting me out has been affecting me mentally as well, I have lost my social skills and mentally too. I hate this.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I feel you- my parents don't let me go out with friends but will plan family trips. Maybe you could ask to hangout with cousins + family instead?

Reply 2

Anonymous #3

Hi, I really do feel for you and I wish I could help more.

I also can't really go out with friends, but this is mainly because my mum suffers from a chronic illness, hence I have to help out around the house. Since you also can't really go out with your friends, I'd also suggest family outings instead. Perhaps if you've got a cousin that your mum is particularly fond of, you could try to convince her to go out with your cousin instead? Since she's family perhaps there'll be a bit more trust from her?

It's a shame she won't let you get a summer job. Maybe try to get your dad to convince her because it'll help in gaining just a bit more independence. You wouldn't have to ask for much in terms of buying clothes and personal items.

Wishing you all the best :smile:

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

I feel you- my parents don't let me go out with friends but will plan family trips. Maybe you could ask to hangout with cousins + family instead?

Original post by Anonymous

I’m sorry about the situation you are in, but I can fully relate. I feel as though I am cleaning all day and I have no life.
this may seem so so sad for myself, but I literally took out some A-Level books already as I have nothing to do at home .

Reply 4

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

I have got some cousins trips coming up but I never really enjoy them as I don’t have cousins my own age.

If I go on family trips, it is almost inevitable that I will get told off some way or another. And I just feel as though I cannot be with my family any longer. I’ve literally waited 2 years for this moment to be free with my friends and they’ve taken it away from me and keep telling me to stop being over dramatic. Sometimes they say that I’ve gone mad in the head :-(

I’m sorry about the situation you are in, but I can fully relate. I feel as though I am cleaning all day and I have no life.
this may seem so so sad for myself, but I literally took out some A-Level books already as I have nothing to do at home .

Yeah my days have mostly consisted of cleaning. I have had some invitations to go out but I've had to decline them due to my situation. I haven't actually told my friends about it because I fear that they'll treat me differently (even though I'm sure they won't because they're lovely) Luckily I can go out to do some work experience and get a summer job (the latter I'm still trying to find). But I really hope things will get better for you

I'd say since you're more or less confined to your house, why not try to learn a new skill? You could learn a new language, coding language or something more creative like crocheting/knitting? You're entirely valid for feeling frustrated at mad at your parents for taking away your rightly-deserved outings with friends, it really sucks :frown:

If you need anything, just ask
Best wishes

Reply 5

micholate9

I really feel for you OP because I had a similar experience growing up.

It’s so hard to keep yourself occupied at home over the holidays, while your friends are having fun. It feels so unfair to not have any control over your life. The false promises hurt the most.

The only suggestion I have is that keep trying to talk rationally with them. I know it won’t completely change the way they think but they might occasionally let you do what you want.

Other than that, sadly you just have to wait it out until you move out for uni/work. I know it sucks right now, but it will get better. You won’t always have to live on their terms. You’ll grow up and make a life of your own. I know this because I now have all the freedom I couldn’t dream of at your age.

I wish I could help more but sadly there’s not much to be done in this situation.

Reply 6

marple

Original post by Anonymous

It's a shame that your mother is taking this line - part of raising a child to adulthood is allowing them an appropriate degree of independence so that they can learn to cope and function as an adult.

Could you find some local volunteering that you're interested in? This would get you out of the house and mixing with other, non-family people. As your mum is concerned about your education, you could make a very strong argument that that type of thing looks very good on a university application and will give you useful skills. There are some ideas here:

https://www.dofe.org/thelatest/volunteering-ideas/

Reply 7

londonmyst

Do you have any serious health problems? :confused:

Is your mother in the habit of turning physically aggressive or going through your personal possessions/reading your texts and not allowing you any independence or privacy?
Are there any elements of your past that make you particularly vulnerable to ill-intentioned strangers?

I understand some of how you feel. :smile:

I was raised in a toxic and controlling household, surrounded by unreasonable people who constantly imposed their bizarre nonsense upon me.
My mother has very violent reflexes.
Grew up with frequent bellowing & insults, almost no privacy, lots of banned foods/words/people, no regular access to the internet and I wasn't allowed out alone even as an 18 year old.
I escaped before a levels were over 9 years ago and will never go back. Nor speak to any of them again.
My only regret is that I couldn't get away earlier.
Or take my life savings with me (mother swiped them trying to stop me being able to leave in the hope that I would be unable to finance alternative accomodation).

Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Try to focus on maintaining a positive mindset and working towards building the happy future life that you want.
Remember that life is too short to waste your valuable time and energy on destructive highly corrosive negative emotions like rage or hate.
Try to stay in touch with friends online and by text when you can't see them face to face.
Put your safety and health first, try to develop effective coping mechanisms while you are reliant upon parents to provide you with access to the basics & have to wait to move out.

Above all, never forget that when you are 18 your parents parential responsibility for you will end and you will have all the same rights & freedom as every other law abiding adult in the uk.
You may have to work very hard to pay the bills & finance your own accomodation costs but will have your freedom, privacy and independence.
But as a uk based adult citizen, you will have access to all the same protections of uk law that all other adult citizens have within uk territories.
Including law enforcement support and assistance whenever any member of your household attempts to stop you from earning a living, attempts any coercive controlling behaviour or tries to forcibly invade your privacy/involve themselves in your private life without consent.
Good luck!