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I don’t think I should be, but I am super annoyed by this

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 6 months. Towards the start of our relationship when we was in the talking stage, we met up a few times and i’d say this was like 60% of the way into our talking stage before we became officially a couple.

She had sex with another guy whilst we was in the talking stage, I know I don’t really have a right to be annoyed because we wasn’t in a couple at this point but we was pretty nicely into the talking stage. The worst bit to the whole thing is she told me she never did and I only found out they did from the guy who I knew but my girlfriend didn’t know we know each other. When I told her I found out from him she finally admitted it but I can’t really get over this to be honest. Like I know we was in a couple then but i’m just super annoyed still. Can anyone advise me on this?

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At the time you weren't a couple, so technically she's allowed do what she wants
(edited 1 year ago)
I'd be annoyed too. But I have higher-than-most standards about these things.

1.

If someone seems actively 'interested' in me, but sleeps with someone else instead... strikes me as odd in the first place. Self-contradictory behavior & intentions. But this is 'normal' today apparently... which won't change my mind about it. I just have to bare in mind that lots of people do this & consider nothing apparently strange about it. In fact there even are some people who just before settling into a relationship will go on a sex spree with different people just to enjoy their 'last minutes of freedom'... I suppose kind of like a 'bachelor party' in principle.

2.

Even more odd that she'd 'hide' it, and suspicious. If she felt she were doing nothing wrong, then why keep so quiet about it? I'm not attracted to people with these sorts of patterns. I don't like people who are in the conscious habit of doing stuff which they know they will likely have to hold back from others, or even openly lie about it (which at least she didn't do). Imagine the pileup of bullsh*t you would have in your personal life after living with someone like that for 5 or 10 years, routinely doing stuff & then acting shifty about it, or even lying.


These wouldn't be a deal breaker if they were a one-off (unless she lied)... but I'd be visibly irritated by it. If it happened enough times in various contexts (which it usually does with these types), not even necessarily regarding sex... it would be a deal breaker. Maybe 2 or 3 times in the 'talking phase' at most & it'd be over, kaput. I don't have the patience, because that then also shows that they don't know how to correct their behavior & learn from mistakes.

If they also went on a sex spree like I described, then I'd probably dump them altogether regardless of any other factors. I have my reasons why. If they don't want to be in a relationship in the first place because they want to enjoy 'sleeping around' this much, then why are they dating or talking to me in the first place? I usually make my personal values very clear long before letting someone into my personal life this close, so if they pull this sort of bs on me, they either totally misunderstood who I am & what I'm looking for (a deal breaker), or had no intention of being honest about it in the first place (also a deal breaker), or thought they could emotionally manipulate me into overlooking their red flags (which no one has managed).
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by randompanda_
At the time you weren't a couple, so technically she's allowed do what she wants
even though she didn't have to tell you, she admitted it, which shows her honesty.


No it doesn’t show honestly, she denied it and only admitted it when I knew the truth, which further annoys me.
Original post by Anonymous
So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 6 months. Towards the start of our relationship when we was in the talking stage, we met up a few times and i’d say this was like 60% of the way into our talking stage before we became officially a couple.

She had sex with another guy whilst we was in the talking stage, I know I don’t really have a right to be annoyed because we wasn’t in a couple at this point but we was pretty nicely into the talking stage. The worst bit to the whole thing is she told me she never did and I only found out they did from the guy who I knew but my girlfriend didn’t know we know each other. When I told her I found out from him she finally admitted it but I can’t really get over this to be honest. Like I know we was in a couple then but i’m just super annoyed still. Can anyone advise me on this?

What are you most annoyed about? The fact that she slept with someone else when she was chatting to you, or the fact that she lied about it... or the fact that it was one of your mates?
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Anonymous
No it doesn’t show honestly, she denied it and only admitted it when I knew the truth, which further annoys me.


ohh sorry I didn't know she denied it, if she did then you're right she's being dishonest - i'll edit my post
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Anonymous
No it doesn’t show honestly, she denied it and only admitted it when I knew the truth, which further annoys me.

Then end it.
Original post by NonIndigenous
I'd be annoyed too. But I have higher-than-most standards about these things.

1.

If someone seems actively 'interested' in me, but sleeps with someone else instead... strikes me as odd in the first place. Self-contradictory behavior & intentions. But this is 'normal' today apparently... which won't change my mind about it. I just have to bare in mind that lots of people do this & consider nothing apparently strange about it.

2.

Even more odd that she'd 'hide' it, and suspicious. If she felt she were doing nothing wrong, then why keep so quiet about it? I'm not attracted to people with these sorts of patterns. I don't like people who are in the conscious habit of doing stuff which they know they will likely have to hold back from others, or even openly lie about it (which at least she didn't do). Imagine the pileup of bullsh*t you would have in your personal life after living with someone like that for 5 or 10 years, routinely doing stuff & then acting shifty about it, or even lying.


These wouldn't be a deal breaker if they were a one-off... but I'd be visibly irritated by it. If it happened enough times in various contexts (which it usually does with these types), not even necessarily regarding sex... it would be a deal breaker. Maybe 2 or 3 times in the 'talking phase' at most & it'd be over, kaput. I don't have the patience, because that then also shows that they don't know how to correct their behavior & learn from mistakes.

I think I maybe have worded it wrong originally she told me nothing happened between them and I believe her. Just after speaking to the guy who “nothing happened with” I found out. Also I didn’t cold approach him about press him for the info, I already like kinda knew him and he wanted to tell me to clear the air about what happened because he knew we was dating and that’s when I found out she slept with him etc. Another part we hurts me more is it was the same day she met me, which honestly I forgot to mention before but it kind of disgusts me
Original post by Anonymous
I think I maybe have worded it wrong originally she told me nothing happened between them and I believe her. Just after speaking to the guy who “nothing happened with” I found out. Also I didn’t cold approach him about press him for the info, I already like kinda knew him and he wanted to tell me to clear the air about what happened because he knew we was dating and that’s when I found out she slept with him etc. Another part we hurts me more is it was the same day she met me, which honestly I forgot to mention before but it kind of disgusts me

Your mate is a bit crap too if he feels no issue sleeping with the girl you're dating, or about to go on a date with, or whatever. Unless he didn't know she was talking to you then.

But yep, the final part you mention is also dodgy. If it happened a week apart, it's less bad. On the same day... I'm not going to explain it like above. It's wrong.
bro no lie, she gon hide the truth and cheat on you. whats the point in being interested in someone just to be promiscuous with someone else like that makes no sense.

HOWEVER, talking stage VARIES between people. you may have messaged her a few times and she replied to you but she may not have deemed it a talking stage until she started feeling u, yfm? this means she may have messed around a bit to me which is ok.

either its a BIG BIG misunderstanding or she belongs to the streets. up to u my guy, all the best... and remember:
aquire currency, disrespect women!! ong

O'BLOCK

if TSR take down my real response, they are ops
Original post by Old Skool Freak
What are you most annoyed about? The fact that she slept with someone else when she was chatting to you, or the fact that she lied about it... or the fact that it was one of your mates?

A bit of everything but mainly the lie. It still would have hurt me to find out she slept with someone else in our talking stage but the fact I heard it from someone else kinda makes me think what else is she lying about and the way she tried to justify her lie also really annoyed be. She said I forgot about it and I find it easy to remove bad memories from my brain which is why it didn’t come to my head. Which I maybe have been like okay but the fact I specially asked her if it happened or not makes me think it’s pretty hard to forget if you being asked about it
Original post by Anonymous
I think I maybe have worded it wrong originally she told me nothing happened between them and I believe her. Just after speaking to the guy who “nothing happened with” I found out. Also I didn’t cold approach him about press him for the info, I already like kinda knew him and he wanted to tell me to clear the air about what happened because he knew we was dating and that’s when I found out she slept with him etc. Another part we hurts me more is it was the same day she met me, which honestly I forgot to mention before but it kind of disgusts me


oh my bad g, kind of a red flag but as long as she been "faithful" since that day then all good ig
Original post by Anonymous
So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 6 months. Towards the start of our relationship when we was in the talking stage, we met up a few times and i’d say this was like 60% of the way into our talking stage before we became officially a couple.

She had sex with another guy whilst we was in the talking stage, I know I don’t really have a right to be annoyed because we wasn’t in a couple at this point but we was pretty nicely into the talking stage. The worst bit to the whole thing is she told me she never did and I only found out they did from the guy who I knew but my girlfriend didn’t know we know each other. When I told her I found out from him she finally admitted it but I can’t really get over this to be honest. Like I know we was in a couple then but i’m just super annoyed still. Can anyone advise me on this?

There’s two ways you could view this.
1) You guys weren’t in a relationship at the moment and she had a right to do whatever she wanted.
2) She was interested in you and was definitely looking to get into a relationship with you but at the same time was sleeping with others, which really makes no sense imo. The fact that she denied it makes this even more strange because if it was something she considered normal or insignificant to your relationship with her she would have just openly talked about it with you when you first asked and reassured you that it wasn’t anything serious and she was looking for a committed relationship.
This is strange but I believe this is something you just talk to her about since this can create further trust issues in your relationship. Have you asked her the reason why she denied it?
Original post by Anonymous
She said I forgot about it and I find it easy to remove bad memories from my brain which is why it didn’t come to my head.

Total bullsh*t.

If it were something traumatic that happened when she was 5 years old, or maybe even 10 years old, sure. Not something that happened a few months ago. Crap & bollox.

& then she suddenly 'remembered'? Another lie. 2 lies.
(edited 1 year ago)
She was not technically with you so she doesnt owe you an explanation, but perhaps by the time she knew you two had a good thing going, she knew that saying anything now was going to P you off. And looks like thats correct as your annoyed.
Original post by Ghostlady
She was not technically with you so she doesnt owe you an explanation, but perhaps by the time she knew you two had a good thing going, she knew that saying anything now was going to P you off. And looks like thats correct as your annoyed.

I guess why bother being in a relationship if no one owes anyone an explanation for anything prior to the official 'start date' on the signed contract.

lol. Nothing is this transactional in relationships. It's just a technicality people use to get out of arguments.

Trust builds gradually. Not from square zero the minute you make your relationship official.
(edited 1 year ago)
If you are angry that she lied to you, best to end the relationship and move on.
There is no chance of having a happy relationship where there is a history of anger, lies and no trust on the part of one/both people.
There are plenty of honest single girls in the dating sea.
Many of whom will not discuss their sexual history and are not into ons or hookup culture.
Some are not looking for relationships but for casual hook ups, and then wow one blows you away out of the water, and is worth getting to know more and develops into something. Some want or expect celebacy from day one of meeting. It really does depend on the person. By the sounds of things she knew you more than you knew yourself, and knew even if she told you it would get your back up.
Original post by Ghostlady
Some are not looking for relationships but for casual hook ups, and then wow one blows you away out of the water, and is worth getting to know more and develops into something. Some want or expect celebacy from day one of meeting. It really does depend on the person. By the sounds of things she knew you more than you knew yourself, and knew even if she told you it would get your back up.

Which then raises the question... why did she do it in the first place? If she knew it was going to upset him.
I got a solution. Use her as your personal toy, and ditch her for the next woman you link with.

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