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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I dont feel like I'm ill though .. its like I cant accept it and I know I need to, in order to truly start beating this. I guess the diagnosis was a step in the right direction but I feel like I dont believe it.
    Thank you for the support and thanks for the luck in the exam .. gonna need it !!
    Hmm, maybe try speaking to other people with a similar diagnosis? I know talking to other people with depression helped me accept what I was going through more.

    Glad to be here for you.

    (Original post by octoberbaby)
    I am actually going to try this because it's a brilliant idea + exactly what I did for GCSE when I had to memorise sections of German.
    I just wish my memory was better. I need an A in this exam to get into the uni I want to, and I've been doing that with the texts, I just can't memorise the quotes to write about xD. I will try this though & I think it will help, so thank you so much! :hugs:
    Woo, I did a helpful thing! :woo:




    (Original post by Riku)
    My exam could have been much worse, thanks for asking
    And now for summerrrrr
    :hugs:
    Glad to hear it. :yy: And I hope you have a great summer!

    (Original post by sunfowers01)
    Let me know if you need anyone to look over it
    Ooh thanks. It's due in tomorrow at five, so if it's ok I'll PM you what I've got so far (all bar the conclusion) tonight or tomorrow morning. It's total bull**** but will hopefully get me a passable mark.
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    (Original post by Mouse Potato)

    So up and down at the moment, feeling the happiest I've been in ages but at the same time I'm having more and more compulsions. I don't know if I'm just recognising them more as being compulsions, or if they're genuinely getting more frequent, but either way it's not so good.

    Also getting really annoyed at people chucking the phrase 'OCD' around. There's a brand called 'Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics' - how is this okay?! And at work I keep getting customers saying that they're 'so OCD' because they like levelling up their characters or completing all their games and things and it's enough to make me just want to cry. I was so scared about working last week because at the moment one of my main compulsions is (spoilered in case it triggers anyone / adds yet another routine into anyone's day )
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I have to do this particular hand wringing thing in units of 10 until it feels right

    and it's so humiliating because I'm sure people notice, especially at work, and my hands are so raw from doing it and I'm sure it's obvious. It just really upsets me that it's not taken seriously, is this just me?
    :hugs: I'm getting that sort of thing at the moment. Like my head is clearer and I can actually feel happy at the moment but at the same time my OCD and anxiety seem to be increasing in some parts.

    ** I'm going to rant now:

    That's horrible! Mental illness has such bad press- OCD especially. It's so difficult to explain. Depression or something, to an extent, you can say "think back to your worst day. Imagine that every day". So select people who want to care and understand can.
    OCD though is so difficult. Everybody gets sad so everybody can at least try to empathise with depression, likewise with fear and anxiety etc. It's really difficult to relate to the compulsion aspect especially of OCD. People say "oh yeah I'm a little OCD" if they like one or two things done in a certain way. But with OCD it's not one or two things, it's LOADS and it builds up. I can actually be physically or mentally painfully not to do it. Not oh it's a bit annoying but actually PAINFUL. There are other things too like the intrusive thoughts or compulsions like skin picking that people never usually associate with OCD and people don't see just how far it intrudes into every aspect of a sufferers life.
    An people who say they're "obsessed" with something. They just mean they like it. They aren't actually obsessed. People with OCD will often find that their OCD comes into every aspect of their lives, walking, talking, writing, eating, sitting, breathing- everything! They can't just turn of the computer and be done with it for a few hours. It feels absolutely like there's no escape.

    I have, what I would consider a very mild case of, OCD but even for me it's unbearable at times. I hate to think what it would be like for somebody with more severe OCD!

    And don't even get me started on OC cosmetics! That's just trivialising it to a shocking extent! Not to mention its like a direct slap in the face to anybody with appearance centred OCD or something like OSP. Imagine a brand called 'bolemia biscuits' for goodness sake, that just couldn't happen! So why's it okay for OCD to be used that way?!

    I have some sympathy or understanding or something towards individuals. It's no their fault they're ignorant. But organisations and education should be more careful in at least opening people's minds to the concept of OCD and definitely not taking the piss. I'm not saying OCD or even mental illnesses as a whole should become a mahout part of the curriculum or anything but at least make people more accepting of the fact it exists and is painful. Just an assembly each term or each year would be a start! I had never heard of OCD when I was a child. Looking back I realise I actually had some signs of it. If I had been given just one assembly on it it could have been much easier for me. An it may make others think twice before saying "I'm a little OCD".

    Wish I could rant more but I have to go to bed.

    Hmmm... Things like this make me consider doing something on mental illness for my dissertation if and when I get to final year at uni. I would love to tear into all these awful stigmas.



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    You lot make me cry so much. :cry:

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :jumphug: Good to see you around again - you've got nothing to apologise for! I know what you mean about not wanting people who are supposed to worry to worry. Don't worry about upsetting her - I know it's really hard not to, but as you say, it is what she's there for, and I'm pleased you are able to tell her what seems like pretty major stuff. Am on Skype if you want to talk.
    Yeah, I really can't stand to have people concerned about me it makes me feel so yuck. And should not be inflicting myself people, or making them cry. Eurgh. I'm an awful person.

    Have been kinda honest about how I’m feeling and how seriously suicidal I am which I guess is major. She has promised not to get the crisis team involved though, unless I explicitly say yes, so thats awesome. She is ringing me everyday instead, and seeing me 3/4 times a week– so not her job. :cry2:

    How you getting on? :hugs: Sorry for never getting back to your PMs, head, depression, messy etc..

    (Original post by asdfgah)
    Just wanted to say I'm really relieved to see a post from you, and to hear that you have people taking an interest in your care. She is right, and I would agree that you are one of the bravest people that I have not-met. Also, I'm not sure if you're still at the same address as before, but I have something to send you so PM me if it's changed (and you don't mind me knowing it ofc ).

    Im at the same address, but you very seriously cannot send me anything. The guilt. I um have yet to complete a certain thing I may or may not be sending you because I can't spend more than 5 mins or something before I start crying and I'm just generally useless at the moment/all the moments, all the time :emo: Not that I've used that excuse before or anything.

    How've your exams gone? Sorry, I'm sure you've said, but I've not been on for ages and there are a lot of pages. A lot. Good luck for Tuesday; if it's a psych one you could talk through some stuff with me if you like. Not that I will know anything aha. And how are you otherwise? :hugs:

    I don't deserve people (in real life) being so nice to me and supportive and stuff. :cry2: Feeling so conflicted and grateful and angry and sad and I hate myself and everyone else except people keep being lovely. Am so angry with myself that I keep being me at people, when they could have nice me-less lives and it would be so so much better.
    :jumphug: you write my feelings all the time. You really do deserve though. Pinkie promise. :hugs:

    (Original post by superwolf)

    You are strong. :yes: However, you are not magically smarter than everyone and you cannot magically tell what people are feeling better than they can themselves. If your coordinator thinks she cares then that's because she does care, as do the rest of us. You are an awesome person and you do thoroughly deserve all the people looking out for you. :jumphug:
    That's the precise problem. I do actually think that she genuinely cares and wants to help me – and she shouldn't. If only for the fact that I’m going to massively let her down at some point, probably starting tomorrow (therapy :afraid: :cry:)

    Good job on the Spanish! :five: Hope things are okay more generally as well. :hugs:
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    Feel crap my entire body hurts and i feel sick :sad:

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    (Original post by Sultana)
    You lot make me cry so much. :cry:

    Yeah, I really can't stand to have people concerned about me it makes me feel so yuck. And should not be inflicting myself people, or making them cry. Eurgh. I'm an awful person.

    Have been kinda honest about how I’m feeling and how seriously suicidal I am which I guess is major. She has promised not to get the crisis team involved though, unless I explicitly say yes, so thats awesome. She is ringing me everyday instead, and seeing me 3/4 times a week– so not her job. :cry2:

    How you getting on? :hugs: Sorry for never getting back to your PMs, head, depression, messy etc..
    :jumphug:

    You ARE NOT an awful person! Whilst I haven't spoken to you all that much, from the contact we have had, and seeing your posts on the thread for however long, you seem like a lovely person, and you deserve as much help and support and care as anyone else. You're not inflicting yourself on anyone at all - people care and want to help.

    That's awesome, you should be so proud of yourself for telling her that, it really takes some guts. I'm glad she's being so caring and supportive!

    Don't apologise for not replying to PMs! You've been going through a lot, it's completely understandable. Erm, not sure really. Confusing, stressful, difficult things flying all over the place... Been feeling numb and flat and lifeless quite a bit, just generally overwhelmed and confused and frustrated.
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    Feel crap my entire body hurts and i feel sick :sad:

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    :hugs: hope you feel better soon! Hope you get a good nights sleep


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    (Original post by Nut.)
    I would say maybe it's a slight problem with perspective? First you say you "want to be like everyone else", then you specify that you want to be like the people who have lots of holidays and an apparently "great" life. Those two things aren't the same.
    I went to Paris for a couple of days with my mum last year but apart from that I haven't been on holiday in years. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to get some sun and some culture in a new place, but honestly, my memories of family holidays involve a lot of arguments, sunburn, and freaking out when things touched my legs in the sea.
    There are quite a few people in my friendship group at uni, particularly those who are now mid-20s and financially independent from parents but prior to uni didn't have well paid jobs, that also haven't been on holiday for ages.
    In my experience, I'm at my most content when I just don't care that much. If I have a "**** happens" attitude I can breeze through ok. It's when I start thinking that things really matter that they get all stressful. In the end we all live and we all die, the stuff in the middle is just filling. It's not that important.
    There was a comedian who made a joke about how Americans destroy their health by working really hard to get loads of money, then spend all their money trying to get their health back, which I think rings very true.
    (Original post by superwolf)
    I think Nut.'s right in that you're mixing up your ideal with what's actually normal. Real normal people have tons of problems, go on holiday every once in a while, have happy and sad moments (although often people are so different from one another that it's debatable whether 'normality' exists at all). Hell, if one in four people is mentally ill, that makes all of us pretty damn normal! In comparing yourself to people who're constantly having the time of their lives without a care in the world you might as well be talking about the flying spaghetti monster, they're that different to normal people, and about as likely to exist.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    apologies to any followers of the Great Noodly One :adore:

    I think you need to combat these thoughts with logic. Think rationally about why both these people's lives you're imagining probably have flaws too, and also about how in many ways your own life isn't so bad. I think you're thinking too much in black and white - that your life must be terrible and everyone else's wonderful - whereas in fact the picture's far more complex.
    Yeah, I guess that is the problem. These thoughts always make me feel bad and it becomes a vicious circle. I probably need to remember that these people may only appear to be rich but in reality are not. I don't know them well at all and that may be a good thing :dontknow:. I'd imagine a lot of them may be ignorant about mental health problems, plus they don't like people who are different (I was bullied by similar people). And on holidays, we'd have loads of arguments too, which would completely ruin the experience.

    I guess I need to be happy with what we do have:
    A car, especially as more well off people struggle to afford one.
    Live in a flat but as it is 3rd floor it is higher up than a lot of buildings in the area so good views. And no problems with burglars etc.
    (Can't think of anything else right now )

    These feelings of being poor should, at the very least, motivate me to study and do well in life. But I've become stuck in this mindset and I consider it to be the biggest thing that has caused my depression. What I should be worrying about is my exam this morning. And maybe I should try and avoid my bed as that doesn't help with the bad feelings.

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    So awkward! Talking to my mum about my OCD and stuff and its going nicely. Then she says "like when you used to do ----. We were so glad when you stopped that!" ... I still do it. Instant downer to my night. Didn't tell her, that would be way too embarrassing. So now I'm just sat here moping about and being embarrassed with myself this is why I shouldn't talk to people about these things.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :jumphug:

    You ARE NOT an awful person! Whilst I haven't spoken to you all that much, from the contact we have had, and seeing your posts on the thread for however long, you seem like a lovely person, and you deserve as much help and support and care as anyone else. You're not inflicting yourself on anyone at all - people care and want to help.

    That's awesome, you should be so proud of yourself for telling her that, it really takes some guts. I'm glad she's being so caring and supportive!

    Don't apologise for not replying to PMs! You've been going through a lot, it's completely understandable. Erm, not sure really. Confusing, stressful, difficult things flying all over the place... Been feeling numb and flat and lifeless quite a bit, just generally overwhelmed and confused and frustrated.
    :cry2:

    this is why I have to stop posting lots; you lot are so blind to the truth and it makes me feel nasty.
    I appreciate all the lovliness though.:hugs:

    Sorry things are so rough atm :console: If you ever wanna vent you can always add to my PM backlog (), though I probably can't offer much more than virtual hugs sometimes writing it out can help a bit. Will maybe be on skype as well sometime soonish, :jumphug:
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    :cry2:

    this is why I have to stop posting lots; you lot are so blind to the truth and it makes me feel nasty.
    I appreciate all the lovliness though.:hugs:

    Sorry things are so rough atm :console: If you ever wanna vent you can always add to my PM backlog (), though I probably can't offer much more than virtual hugs sometimes writing it out can help a bit. Will maybe be on skype as well sometime soonish, :jumphug:
    :jumphug: Sometimes people with distance can see what someone's like better than the actual person can. That said, superwolf spent quite a bit of time this evening trying to convince me that I'm not a ****ty worthless horrible human being, which I don't believe... You definitely shouldn't ever feel nasty.

    Thanks. :hugs: May well take you up on that at some point... :hugs:
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    :cry2:

    this is why I have to stop posting lots; you lot are so blind to the truth and it makes me feel nasty.
    I appreciate all the lovliness though.:hugs:

    Sorry things are so rough atm :console: If you ever wanna vent you can always add to my PM backlog (), though I probably can't offer much more than virtual hugs sometimes writing it out can help a bit. Will maybe be on skype as well sometime soonish, :jumphug:
    My brain's not doing too well with phrasing right now, my last post probably didn't come across too well. I basically meant that I'm a massive hypocrite in that I tend not to believe other people saying I'm not ****, so I'm similar to you in that I beat myself up massively about people's good perceptions of me and don't accept that, but you definitely shouldn't think you're rubbish - from here, you seem lovely!
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    (Original post by -FireFlies-)
    :hugs: hope you feel better soon! Hope you get a good nights sleep


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    My boyfriend thinks i may have indigestion :/ and iv had back ache for a few days now.
    But iv been bending over alot today cos iv been packing and tidying. Just have last bits to do tomorrow and then pack our stuff for holiday! We might be going a bit earlier thougg, depends how much i can cope in this house

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    I don't know if/ how I should talk to my friend about my OCD. I really want to open up to somebody about it and there are 3 people I would consider it with. I'm really worried about it though cos I often get this feeling that I can trust people and should tell them and it goes badly. I met somebody and really thought i'd be able to trust them and they'd help me. I opened up to them so much but they responded badly and it got so awkward we never spoke again.
    i'm putting this in spoilers cos i'll be going into a bit of detail about some of my OCD compulsions and I don't want to trigger anybody in any way...
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I have some noticable marks from skin picking on my face which i've been trying to cover up. I've told two of my friends about it to a slight extent. One of them, although they're normally very suportive, was rather unresponsive to me saying "i hurt myself. I'm scared" so not exactly wanting to open up to them. The other has been very kind but it's usually difficult to talk to them about that sort of thing in person. I told her a while ago and i've even made passing comments in person but we haven't spoken about it. Those two have both known for a long time about my issues with depression/ OCD.
    the other one is relatively new as a friend and has only just found out about my OCD. I get the impression that they are being very supportive and would be if I told them but i'm worried that's just the thing I always think when I meet a new friend and that like last time they'll freak out and leave. Today I was triggered a little and punched my leg a few times to calm myself down. That's pretty standard for me if i'm stressing too much, like shaking my legs and stuff is too. It's nothing painful or anything, it's more like tapping a rythum actually but it probably looks worse than it is. They were with me and they made a comment about it and that they were worried it was hurting me. To me that feels supportive. They also try to calm me down or comfort me sometimes when my legs are shaking a lot or if I freak out randomly.
    I haven't told anybody I know about the skin picking part of my OCD and the 3rd person doesn't know about my depression either. I'm worried about telling people cos it kinda seems like self harm and I don't want to worry them. Even I question if it is or isn't self harm so I don't want to trouble others with it. I'm also worried they'll dislike me because of it or that it will make things too awkward.


    I really want to be able to talk to somebody in person about it but I don't want to go all serious about it. I just want to be able to somehow reach it in conversation and for it to seem like it was kinda spontanious rather than me planning what to say. I don't even know if telling them is the right idea. It's a big thing to be dumping on somebody after all.
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    Can't sleep. WHY? :sad: :cry2:

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    (Original post by avhhs)
    Can't sleep. WHY? :sad: :cry2:

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    :console: Neither.

    Wondering if I should just stay up all night at this stage. :lol:

    That said, my sleep hygiene wasn't the best today... I stayed in bed staring at a screen until 4pm, showered, stared at a screen again until 6pm, went to the pub and stared at a screen, came home at 11pm and have been staring at a screen ever since then.
    Perhaps I should close my eyes.

    Hope you can sleep soon. :hugs:
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    (Original post by avhhs)
    Can't sleep. WHY? :sad: :cry2:

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    Me neither seeing the parents tomorrow/later though

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    So apparently 3am is my new wake up time. Annoyed at myself because I'm still tired but probably not going to get back to sleep.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :jumphug: Your hair, your decision. Getting dreadlocks was absolutely the right thing for you to do - you wanted them, you've put the time into getting them done, and your earlier post suggested they've already been massively beneficial to your confidence - you were definitely ready. You definitely need to stay positive about it, but that's easier said than done I know. Try not to let other people get you down about it though. :hugs: :console:
    I think anxiety just causes my brain just puts a negative spin on everything, especially once any excitement of getting things done is over. I felt exactly the same after comic con this year - thinking people were going to be really judgemental about me cosplaying, and knowing that I'm probably not going to be able to go again because of the baby. Now I'm feeling it because it is the first day I have to go and be around people who aren't close friends, and I am not looking forward to all the comments I'm going to get about my hair. Which I will, because it is the biggest change I have ever experienced.

    Well I have a nice scarf that I can wrap round the front of my head to make everything neater for now.

    Plus these rubber bands are stressing me out.

    Ok, I'm going to keep positive.

    Positive!
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    (Original post by -FireFlies-)
    Still is my fault for getting myself into this mess maybe I do have psychic powers :ninja: Hahaha :L

    Spoiler:
    Show
    still is my fault
    Nononononononononononononononoon onononononononononononononononon ononononononononononononoononono nonooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnoooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    Ok I have finger cramp now
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    (Original post by Nut.)
    :console: Neither.

    Wondering if I should just stay up all night at this stage. :lol:

    That said, my sleep hygiene wasn't the best today... I stayed in bed staring at a screen until 4pm, showered, stared at a screen again until 6pm, went to the pub and stared at a screen, came home at 11pm and have been staring at a screen ever since then.
    Perhaps I should close my eyes.

    Hope you can sleep soon. :hugs:
    Mine hasn't been the best either for a very long time. Often take naps and spend time lying in bed using my phone. At other times it is using the computer. But yeah I did eventually sleep by 4am and woke up again at 8. Had a nap yesterday so that is probably why I don't feel tired. Hope you got some sleep and had a great time at the pub yesterday :hugs:

    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    Me neither seeing the parents tomorrow/later though

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    I did manage to sleep eventually. Good luck with meeting parents! :hugs:

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