Depression Society MkII Watch

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raspberrybubbles
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#2341
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#2341
I'm scared. My head's thinking all these thoughts I don't want to think. I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave the house, but in reality it might help. I can't tell anyone because things are already bad enough and I'm really scared of the consequences of just that, let alone more. :cry:
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gooner1991
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#2342
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#2342
Hi guys, how are you all tonight?
I've finally given in my notice at work. I'd rather be a bit broke than at a job I loath.
I'm very nervous about starting at my new college on tuesday. I'm so paranoid they'll all know about my past seeing as most people in North London know each other
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Dalimyr
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#2343
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#2343
:hugs: to everyone

Right, I've had it with my knee pain so I'm going to do my best to make an appointment with the doctor when the health centre opens on Monday...on the day of the appointment I'll see whether I'm willing to talk about depression stuff or if it'll just be about my knees. I dunno, both really need to be checked out but I keep putting off making an appointment I need to have a chat with a GP about medication at some point since the last time I was on prozac (which I've been on for a few years) it made me feel even worse, which I've not experienced any previous time I've been on it...and since I tend to go on it when I'm already quite badly depressed that's definitely something I'd like to avoid reoccurring.
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Laus
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#2344
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#2344
(Original post by ununpentium)
I've started on the propranolol. I feel so relieved the psych prescribed it for me. Haven't felt anxious as of yet, will see.
Yep, should help. It helps with the physical symptoms of anxiety by reducing the amount of adrenalin in your body. I take it, too :five: xxx
fairy spangles
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#2345
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#2345
I just wanna shake in a corner - i wish everyone would leave me alone - nobody knows what its like.
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Tufts
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#2346
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#2346
I feel sick with stress

I'm going on a caribbean cruise in late sept but I feel so scared and guilty because I have uni work to do I'm sneakily packing law books in the hand luggage.
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ununpentium
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#2347
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#2347
Good day today. Went to the gym and has helped with anxiety. Also won first place in a photography competition =]
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raspberrybubbles
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#2348
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#2348
I don't know how I am: up and down. I keep swinging around, which is nice in a way: I'm not really suicidal like I was this morning, but it's kind of annoying because it's screwing up what I choose to do, and my relationships with people. I shouldn't complain so much, though I guess
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YAP
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#2349
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#2349
(Original post by Tufts)
I feel sick with stress
:console:

I'm going on a caribbean cruise in late sept but I feel so scared and guilty because I have uni work to do I'm sneakily packing law books in the hand luggage.
In the end I packed course books when I went on my honeymoon . Is there any way you could pace some of the work between now and then? Obviously, there's the not-so-small obstacle of feeling sick with stress; ever tried propranolol?

(Whereabouts are you going in the Caribbean? )
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Bangers+Mash
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#2350
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#2350
:bawling: thats it, i can't cope anylonger, this is the only place i can talk now. Some of my friends say i can phone or text anytime, but i dont want to bother them or become annoying.
All the progress i've made has been knocked down, i just can't do this anymore, i cant take the pain of constantly failing.
My family are driving me mad, so i lost it. I threw my piano stool over the room i really hope its not broken because that was my Great Nans (as was the piano), and i was shouting. Both my younger sisters were screaming, im such a horrible selfish person, its not safe for me to be here anymore.

I really don't know what to do, this is the worst i've felt in months.
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Not Invented Yet
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#2351
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#2351
(Original post by Bangers+Mash)
:bawling: thats it, i can't cope anylonger, this is the only place i can talk now. Some of my friends say i can phone or text anytime, but i dont want to bother them or become annoying.
All the progress i've made has been knocked down, i just can't do this anymore, i cant take the pain of constantly failing.
My family are driving me mad, so i lost it. I threw my piano stool over the room i really hope its not broken because that was my Great Nans (as was the piano), and i was shouting. Both my younger sisters were screaming, im such a horrible selfish person, its not safe for me to be here anymore.

I really don't know what to do, this is the worst i've felt in months.
:hugs: I'm really sorry you feel so bad - if you want to, I'm happy to chat on PM or MSN (and don't worry about being annoying because you know I understand exactly what you're going through).

--------------------------------------

I have decided upon a new course of action - I'm being as lenient and indulgent to myself as you would be with a child who is ill. I mean like, if a kid has tonsilitis and ice cream is all they want to eat, you allow them to have ice cream for dinner because it's exceptional circumstances. I've taken the attitude that I am ill, it's not my fault and I should treat myself accordingly - for example, instead of calling myself a total loony for constantly locking myself away and curling up in the fetal position, I just tell myself that if that's what it takes to make me feel OK, then that's what I'll do. I decided to take this attitude to try and stop myself from bullying me when I do things that seem a bit weird, and so far it's been making me feel a little better... but I'm worried that it might be doing more harm than good in case I start allowing my behaviour to slip more and more until I end up giving in to every crazy urge I have, and find myself getting locked away in a mental ward for sitting under a table at school, rocking back and forth and singing to myself (or something to that effect). What do you guys think - should I try and be a bit more strict on myself to avoid socially unacceptable behaviour, or just continue to indulge most of my odd little ways (in private) to make myself feel better? It's a puzzle...
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gooner1991
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#2352
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#2352
I've just read a thread on whether depression can be classed as a real illness and some ignorant ****S really have no idea. Saying that people who have depression are 'miserable *******s' who should 'man up and get on with it'
ARH.
Sorry about that, just had to rant.
Hope you're all OK tonight.
x
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Not Invented Yet
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#2353
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#2353
Yeah, in the light of that thread my above post seems quite silly... :o: Oh well, they're the ignorant ones. And the "of course it is" answers far outweighed the idiots.
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Sabertooth
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#2354
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#2354
I was following that thread gooner and whilst I wouldn't normally say it, I really do hope one of them idiots saying we're attention seeking weaklings gets depression, just for a month, a week, hell even a day will do. ****ing idiots.
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Not Invented Yet
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#2355
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#2355
I am going to try and put this in a spoiler (if I can work out how) because some people on here have worked so hard at beating SI and I'd hate to trigger anyone.

Spoiler:
Show
I have cut myself again - I'm slightly annoyed because I had hoped I'd be able to cope without doing this, but only very slightly - mostly I'm just relieved that I've finally done it and released all the tension inside me.

I've never seen cutting as a particularly bad or unhealthy way of dealing with things - during times when I haven't been doing it, my main coping mechanism has been comfort eating and binging which makes me far unhappier because of the ensuing bloatedness and weight gain, and ultimately has much more serious ramifications for my health. The only thing that ever makes me want to stop cutting is the guilt that if my friends and family found out, they'd be so upset - obviously seeing your daughter covered in scars is far more distressing than seeing her with wobbly thighs and a handful of chocolate.

Ever since I first became depressed, about three years ago, the thing I have been looking forward to most is getting away to uni where people who care about me are far away and don't need to see the effects of my chosen coping technique - I'm not even joking when I say that the main attraction of university for me is being able to cut to my heart's content.

But now I'm starting to worry that perhaps I am a bit more unwell than I've been admitting to myself. I read the TSR Wiki on Depression, which stated several times that when you're depressed, you can't think rationally and it's only afterwards that you realise how messed up you were. So I tried to take a step back and assess my mindset critically, and what I realised gave me a bit of a jolt. I am constantly thinking of different ways to hurt myself, from tiny incidents like deliberately scraping my hand along a rough stone wall as I walk by, to downright creepy fantasies about knives and blood that make me sound totally demented. I also long for non-self-inflicted injuries - I pray that the bus will overturn into a ditch; and the other night I had a dream that some guys beat me up and gave me a black eye and bruises everywhere, and I could feel the pain even though it was a dream - and when I woke up, I had that disappointed feeling when you realise that the really good dream you were having is over and it was only a dream.

This is probably waaay too much information and I suppose you think I'm quite creepy, if not for having these thoughts, then certainly for sharing them with strangers on an internet forum. But it's late, I'm very tired and my mind is in a weird place at the moment.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor's for a check-up on my progress with Fluoxetine. I'm definitely going to ask her to change my meds, because I'm sure I've been getting worse with the Fluox, and I'm considering telling her a bit about these feelings and perhaps asking to be referred to a counsellor or something - because to be honest, I've scared myself a little bit. It's not often that I feel genuinely suicidal, but in my current mindset I'm worried that that's not too far around the corner.

So I don't really know what the aim of this post has been except to straighten a few things out in my own head, and maybe seek some advice/reassurance that I am not totally bonkers. If you've read this ridiculously long essay, then you are a saint and I shall do my best to rep you if I can.


Love, Charley xx
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starchild
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#2356
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#2356
Im ok... tired though. Didnt sleep very welll and im fasting which means im going to be slightly weaker. I am also moving house today which is so very exciting. So, with that note i may not be able to be on as much till we hvae the net and i will try and come on every so often.

:hugs: see you all in a few days. stay strong :hugs:

you are all stars!

sitara xx
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raspberrybubbles
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#2357
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#2357
Good luck sitara xx

--
Feeling fairly bad. Don't know why. Got to find something to do to fill the day, I don't want to be alone with myself but at the same time I need to prove I can do this
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Sabertooth
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#2358
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#2358
(Original post by Not Invented Yet)
I am going to try and put this in a spoiler (if I can work out how) because some people on here have worked so hard at beating SI and I'd hate to trigger anyone.

Spoiler:
Show
I have cut myself again - I'm slightly annoyed because I had hoped I'd be able to cope without doing this, but only very slightly - mostly I'm just relieved that I've finally done it and released all the tension inside me.

I've never seen cutting as a particularly bad or unhealthy way of dealing with things - during times when I haven't been doing it, my main coping mechanism has been comfort eating and binging which makes me far unhappier because of the ensuing bloatedness and weight gain, and ultimately has much more serious ramifications for my health. The only thing that ever makes me want to stop cutting is the guilt that if my friends and family found out, they'd be so upset - obviously seeing your daughter covered in scars is far more distressing than seeing her with wobbly thighs and a handful of chocolate.

Ever since I first became depressed, about three years ago, the thing I have been looking forward to most is getting away to uni where people who care about me are far away and don't need to see the effects of my chosen coping technique - I'm not even joking when I say that the main attraction of university for me is being able to cut to my heart's content.

But now I'm starting to worry that perhaps I am a bit more unwell than I've been admitting to myself. I read the TSR Wiki on Depression, which stated several times that when you're depressed, you can't think rationally and it's only afterwards that you realise how messed up you were. So I tried to take a step back and assess my mindset critically, and what I realised gave me a bit of a jolt. I am constantly thinking of different ways to hurt myself, from tiny incidents like deliberately scraping my hand along a rough stone wall as I walk by, to downright creepy fantasies about knives and blood that make me sound totally demented. I also long for non-self-inflicted injuries - I pray that the bus will overturn into a ditch; and the other night I had a dream that some guys beat me up and gave me a black eye and bruises everywhere, and I could feel the pain even though it was a dream - and when I woke up, I had that disappointed feeling when you realise that the really good dream you were having is over and it was only a dream.

This is probably waaay too much information and I suppose you think I'm quite creepy, if not for having these thoughts, then certainly for sharing them with strangers on an internet forum. But it's late, I'm very tired and my mind is in a weird place at the moment.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor's for a check-up on my progress with Fluoxetine. I'm definitely going to ask her to change my meds, because I'm sure I've been getting worse with the Fluox, and I'm considering telling her a bit about these feelings and perhaps asking to be referred to a counsellor or something - because to be honest, I've scared myself a little bit. It's not often that I feel genuinely suicidal, but in my current mindset I'm worried that that's not too far around the corner.

So I don't really know what the aim of this post has been except to straighten a few things out in my own head, and maybe seek some advice/reassurance that I am not totally bonkers. If you've read this ridiculously long essay, then you are a saint and I shall do my best to rep you if I can.


Love, Charley xx
I know what you mean about looking for ways to hurt yourself all the time, but you're not totally "demented" that's just a particularly nasty part of depression. You want to hurt youself so badly that it doesn't even matter if it's you doing the direct hurting. I think telling the doctor is a very good idea as fluoxetine can make people worse and what's the point in staying on it if it's not doing anything for you when there are loads of others you can try that might actually make you feel a bit better. It might be an idea to tell her what you're feeling about hurting yourself as well as she might be able to help.

Self harm might not immediately seem like that bad a coping mechanism, but in the long term like you mention the scars are bad for quite a number of reasons. However it is a coping mechanism, for me at least, I'm not sure about you, it stops me doing something worse which is good in a way, however it's ultimately still self destructive and leads to the scars so despite short term advantages it's not really the best coping mechanism. Have you tried other coping strategies? first to stop the self harm (such as elastic band, red pen, ice cubes etc) and second to replace it with something less destructive and more productive (exercise, going for a walk, drawing, writing etc)? And trust me, that side of uni is not good. When you get there you'll make friends and they'll care about you, you'd also have to worry about when you go home for the holidays, people you care about seeing then. It's not nice having to hide yourself all the time.

Damn I had all these clear points I wanted to make in my head but I rambled a bit, sorry. Erm...I hope maybe that made you feel a bit better, basically sumed up; you're normal, what you're thinking is part of the parcel of depression, self harm helps short term but long term is bad, and have you tried other coping strategies. :hugs: thinking about you.
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fairy spangles
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#2359
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#2359
Everyone else started uni today - a different uni at that aswell. I wanna be there.
I wish id gone to a different uni everyone else seems to progress without this silly exam. Silly traditions.
My sister keeps having a go at me cause i cant stop crying and getting upset and i asked to be on my own. Just cause she doesnt give a ****e about her degree doesnt mean im not allowed to be gutted. I mean she hasnt even tried to understand when i failed the first time and found out and burst out crying she told me just to get over it and i was a stupid ***** then rang my parents telling them im a lazy ***** because i didnt want to do anything that day.
Now she keeps slamming all the doors and calling me every name under the sun.
I cant stay at home any longer and its going to break my heart when i go back up north to sort this mess out.
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Bangers+Mash
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#2360
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#2360
I cant take this pain, it hurts and its killing me.
i feel as though im already dead.
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