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Mental Health Support Society Mk X
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Original post by lonelybrummie
My uncontrollable anger isn't just the problem; I'm lost, sad, lonely, depressed etc, etc. I think the anger is a really big product-maybe just a part of me- of the other problems I have. I really can not feel anything and people don't even realise what I'm feeling, or how I am. It's like they just say "Get on with it"; they can say that when I do something stupid, because I feel like I am really close to actually doing something really bad.
Have you ever felt yourself changing? I feel it right now; it's horrifying but enjoyable at the same time. I used to be really quiet, really shy, and very sheepish. Now I'm turning into something completely different to what I am. I can still feel the real me inside, but that me inside is slowly going. My heart feels like some sort of black hole; everything worthwhile is being drained.
My family actually do care; the way do it is horrible. Though it seems to me that they don't care, they always say things like "I wish you was never born.", or they seem to always kick me out of the house (every 1-2 months), or they just push me to the side and never seem to care about me. I've always been considered different to them; I remember when I was younger I always used to be alone, I am always alone now.
That's really great news for your friend; she'll definitely get better!
I would like to try medication. Could I ask my counsellor that at my CAMHS appointment? I just want to get better and change for the good, because this problem has really ruined my life.
Yeah, in my opinion CBT would have to be out of the question; I'm unable to work by talking.
That's actually spot on!
The other thing that really gets me is that how people treat mental illness. I mean these problems alter how a person is and it can change their lives. People always think you can just get over it, as if they think it doesn't exist because they can't see it. The other one is when people think you're a killing machine, I've had so many people calling me names over my problem.
I do try to write, but I doubt myself and that is such a big problem for me. I doubt myself when I write, when I sleep, shower, eat or even walk. I always have a voice saying you can't walk properly; I always walk with my head down to watch my feet because of this.
Sorry for sounding like an emotional wreck!
Thank you so much; I really do appreciate it.
How are you?
Have you ever felt yourself changing? I feel it right now; it's horrifying but enjoyable at the same time. I used to be really quiet, really shy, and very sheepish. Now I'm turning into something completely different to what I am. I can still feel the real me inside, but that me inside is slowly going. My heart feels like some sort of black hole; everything worthwhile is being drained.
My family actually do care; the way do it is horrible. Though it seems to me that they don't care, they always say things like "I wish you was never born.", or they seem to always kick me out of the house (every 1-2 months), or they just push me to the side and never seem to care about me. I've always been considered different to them; I remember when I was younger I always used to be alone, I am always alone now.
That's really great news for your friend; she'll definitely get better!
I would like to try medication. Could I ask my counsellor that at my CAMHS appointment? I just want to get better and change for the good, because this problem has really ruined my life.
Yeah, in my opinion CBT would have to be out of the question; I'm unable to work by talking.
That's actually spot on!
The other thing that really gets me is that how people treat mental illness. I mean these problems alter how a person is and it can change their lives. People always think you can just get over it, as if they think it doesn't exist because they can't see it. The other one is when people think you're a killing machine, I've had so many people calling me names over my problem. I do try to write, but I doubt myself and that is such a big problem for me. I doubt myself when I write, when I sleep, shower, eat or even walk. I always have a voice saying you can't walk properly; I always walk with my head down to watch my feet because of this.
Sorry for sounding like an emotional wreck!
Thank you so much; I really do appreciate it.
How are you?
I'm great thanks. My problems have been dealt with effectively which is one reason I come on this thread as I know how it seems when you're in the middle of it all and it all seems pretty hopeless but I also know that it isn't really as hopeless as it seems and things can get sorted.
It sounds like you are dealing with a very complex set of issues which really can't be easy and would need addressing holistically. It may take a little time. For instance you need to get treated for depression and anxiety which will help with the anger. You also described developing coping mechanisms such as obsessive behaviour in a previous post which is really another attempt to gain control when you are in pain and feel like things are out of control.
You can certainly bring up the prospect of medication with your counsellor. Sounds like you need to point out that you are feeling negative and depressed a lot of the time and that that leads to feeling angry and isolated. .
I think you are probably spot on when you say that the anger is a side effect of everything else, not the cause. Anger is a chemical reaction involving adrenaline and cortisone. In that sense it is not part of anyone's 'personality'. In some people these chemicals have malfunctioned/become over produced or get triggered too easily so that they are flooded with them very quickly. Often this is a result of stress and anxiety. A very anxious or frightened person may be producing high amounts of these chemicals for instance. In other cases the adrenal glands are not functioning as they should. None of this is the fault of the person. It is a physical thing. As real as any other problem with the body... like Diabetes or Asthma. However of course this kind of anger is quite destructive and therefore can create a whole set of other social problems.
As you say, at the root of it all, you are obviously feeling very depressed and isolated. You are obviously very bright and have a lot of insight and ability. This makes it harder in some ways because observing yourself like you are able to means that you feel like you are in effect on the outside of yourself watching what seems like another person evolve. Personally I think you are observing the illness itself.... it is not you exactly but rather you experiencing depression and anxiety ie. you can see how depression is like a black hole in the heart that drains people and feels as if it will overwhelm and re-write the self. However it might work to remember that the 'real self' is ALWAYS the observer, not the observed. When we have flu we observe that we are in pain and hot and aching. This is happening to us but it is not us as such. Observing the depression and stuff you experience is the same. These things aren't you... they are an illness you are experiencing and one that is treatable. (Again I hope that makes some sense and it is just my opinion).
One reason I suggested writing for you is that it is this very ability to observe the interior and put things into words that is the essence of a writer. You also have excellently constructed sentences. All writers doubt themselves so you wouldn't be alone there! Will Self has a personality disorder for instance and Stephen King is a depressed insominiac!!!! They used these things to create great fiction.
Its crap that your relationship with your family is so up and down. It can't help. I'm sure they do love you but it sounds as if, from an early age, they haven't been able to offer you what you needed for one reason or another. Not their fault either really.. people can only offer what they have and sometimes it isn't enough. Obviously your siblings have different needs as everyone is an individual. I met brothers once who had very different opinions of their parents. One thought that they were respectful of not interfering in his life; the other brother felt they were just not interested in him or anything he did. The parents actually had the same behaviour but the two children had different needs and so read that behaviour differently. It sounds as if you felt lonely and depressed from a very early age and this was not recognised so your parents didn't, or couldn't, meet the needs you had, leaving you to try to deal with it alone. No wonder its got worse.
I think you can make it through this. Be clear with the CMHT what you want. They are a tool for you to use. They can offer therapies, medication and feedback plus help if you ever hit a crisis. Besides, nothing ever stays the same. You will be moving on into a new life as time goes on with new people in new places. You'll find your people eventually and create the life you want.
PM me if you ever need to. As an ex-Brummie myself I'm interested in how you get on!!!
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Kindred
I'm really glad it's helping! Don't worry about sep for now- that's a whole different matter and you have LOADS of time to work all of that out. All you need to do for now is take care of yourself and get through the exam and you CAN definately do that!
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Yeah, once all the work is done I'll definitely feel better. Thanks for the support!
Is anyone gonna be online for a while tonight? I think i'll really need to talk to someone soon 
Original post by Meaty_man
Is anyone gonna be online for a while tonight? I think i'll really need to talk to someone soon
Yup I'm gonna be up for a long time cause of the NBA finals. Whats wrong?
Bare with me...
I think i'm actually rather like a cat: I sleep loads, I need things to calm down, I jump at unexpected noises, I like corners and visibility of my surroundings, i'm protective and trusting of my group but cautious of strangers, I often get caught in the moment- be it play, fright or fight- and I can just forget that i'm hungry. It sound's crazy but it's a sorta cool way to look at things- makes this all seem a bit more natural (and gives my cat and I an awesome understanding of eachother :P ).
I only wish I could have the tail too!
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I think i'm actually rather like a cat: I sleep loads, I need things to calm down, I jump at unexpected noises, I like corners and visibility of my surroundings, i'm protective and trusting of my group but cautious of strangers, I often get caught in the moment- be it play, fright or fight- and I can just forget that i'm hungry. It sound's crazy but it's a sorta cool way to look at things- makes this all seem a bit more natural (and gives my cat and I an awesome understanding of eachother :P ).
I only wish I could have the tail too! Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Malevolent
Yup I'm gonna be up for a long time cause of the NBA finals. Whats wrong?
I feel like my life is a waste of time, i dont want to feel anything anymore, i just want emotions to go away and be numb forverer so i don't have to deal with this anymore.
I feel anxious and depressed about more or less everything, even things that i should enjoy scare me! e.g. drinking with mates, going to my mate's wedding in 1 month's time, etc. I'm scared to leave the house and none of my coping mechanisms are particularly healthy.
I had some drama tonight regarding friends and where we are living in the next month because we haven't got our house sorted yet. Basically everyone misunderstodd one another and everyone got pissed at each other, i think we sorted it now but emotion brushed off on me. That's anotyher thing, ANYTHING emotive will make me feel down, basically movies and books and all that, pretty much anything with a story >_>
So yeah, feel like **** pretty much.
Original post by Meaty_man
I feel like my life is a waste of time, i dont want to feel anything anymore, i just want emotions to go away and be numb forverer so i don't have to deal with this anymore.
I feel anxious and depressed about more or less everything, even things that i should enjoy scare me! e.g. drinking with mates, going to my mate's wedding in 1 month's time, etc. I'm scared to leave the house and none of my coping mechanisms are particularly healthy.
I had some drama tonight regarding friends and where we are living in the next month because we haven't got our house sorted yet. Basically everyone misunderstodd one another and everyone got pissed at each other, i think we sorted it now but emotion brushed off on me. That's anotyher thing, ANYTHING emotive will make me feel down, basically movies and books and all that, pretty much anything with a story >_>
So yeah, feel like **** pretty much.
I feel anxious and depressed about more or less everything, even things that i should enjoy scare me! e.g. drinking with mates, going to my mate's wedding in 1 month's time, etc. I'm scared to leave the house and none of my coping mechanisms are particularly healthy.
I had some drama tonight regarding friends and where we are living in the next month because we haven't got our house sorted yet. Basically everyone misunderstodd one another and everyone got pissed at each other, i think we sorted it now but emotion brushed off on me. That's anotyher thing, ANYTHING emotive will make me feel down, basically movies and books and all that, pretty much anything with a story >_>
So yeah, feel like **** pretty much.
I think thats what happens when you feel depressed. You want your emotions to go so you don't have to feel how you feel anymore. Have you tried talking to someone or seeing someone to express how you feel? Sometimes just letting people know is a huge relief.
I used to feel like that too. Things that I used to enjoy terrified me and I would rather just stay at home cooped up so I didn't have to deal with anyone but the more you isolate yourself the worse you're going to feel, its gonna increase the negative thoughts because your all alone so you have time to over think. If you kept yourself busy or just changed up your routine maybe you might feel even a little bit better.
Sounds like your going through a really tough time though
I'm still alive guys
It's sooo hot here! Been sleeping most of the days, dunno whats wrong with me, but all I seem to do is sleep!! Been keeping safe I guess since all I've been doing is sleeping! Still not been eating, and my brothers worried :/ I just don't have any energy! I'm so sorry for not being around for people on here guys! I do apologise :/... if anyone wants someone to PM then feel free to whenever, and I will get round to replying!
Hope people are doing alright
for anyone who needs them 
****ing hell it's not even 9:30 and im sobbing already. hate my parengts so much yhey make everything so ubnbeaerabke and i literally cant do it I just want to ****ing run away i cant do it. existing with this steess and violence isnt possible abd I feel reallly impulsivvd and angry kfjfkvkgvlkogkflg fthhhhb
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Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by 08batee
****ing hell it's not even 9:30 and im sobbing already. hate my parengts so much yhey make everything so ubnbeaerabke and i literally cant do it I just want to ****ing run away i cant do it. existing with this steess and violence isnt possible abd I feel reallly impulsivvd and angry kfjfkvkgvlkogkflg fthhhhb
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Give me a sec and I'll come onto Facebook
Original post by asdfgah
yeah ok tralk tomorrow if we're around i'm proabnly not very talkable at the momenta tnyway. hope youire doing better tomorrow hun 
I don't wknow whjat to do my friend always kept saying come to hners if I nmed a hug but I cant i'm all broken and I cant make her do it again cant cant cant. should beable to just deal with this btu it feels like maybe turning into flashback cos my vision is weird and when I can see the screen there ius lots of red lines so obviously even autocorrect istn good enough I don't want flahsbkack on my own but no =alternative realy
I don't wknow whjat to do my friend always kept saying come to hners if I nmed a hug but I cant i'm all broken and I cant make her do it again cant cant cant. should beable to just deal with this btu it feels like maybe turning into flashback cos my vision is weird and when I can see the screen there ius lots of red lines so obviously even autocorrect istn good enough I don't want flahsbkack on my own but no =alternative realy
I hope you went and talked to her - seriously! That's what friends are there for. Big hugs from here. It's my day off today so I'm just sitting up in bed and pondering my lunch options. Get in touch whenever you want
Literally can't do this 
I'm so pathetic don't want to carry on like this but nothing ever ever gets any better and I'm so angry and upset and sick of crying all the time.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I'm so pathetic don't want to carry on like this but nothing ever ever gets any better and I'm so angry and upset and sick of crying all the time. Posted from TSR Mobile
in pain today, didnt wear my insoles yesterday, and did lots of walking so my muscles kill 
didnt get to my sisters either cos iv been so drained, and havnt managed to go to brownies still in my jarmas, but have to get up and dressed before half 6!
at drs tomorrow about my never ending knee pain! but its gonna be like a 4 or 5 hour round trip due to busses
not that iv ever eaten any of them
didnt get to my sisters either cos iv been so drained, and havnt managed to go to brownies still in my jarmas, but have to get up and dressed before half 6! at drs tomorrow about my never ending knee pain! but its gonna be like a 4 or 5 hour round trip due to busses
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
not that iv ever eaten any of them
Original post by 08batee
Literally can't do this I'm so pathetic don't want to carry on like this but nothing ever ever gets any better and I'm so angry and upset and sick of crying all the time.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I'm so pathetic don't want to carry on like this but nothing ever ever gets any better and I'm so angry and upset and sick of crying all the time. Posted from TSR Mobile
I actually wish i could cry, at least it would give me a way to cope properly.
Im feeling the same atm, parents say to "ride it out" but i honestly can't see it ending. You'll pull through somehow
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Original post by PonchoKid
not that iv ever eaten any of them
not that iv ever eaten any of them
Well of course you haven't eaten any of them. Coz you would have given me some, yes yes?
Original post by Meaty_man
I actually wish i could cry, at least it would give me a way to cope properly.
Im feeling the same atm, parents say to "ride it out" but i honestly can't see it ending. You'll pull through somehow
Posted from TSR Mobile
Im feeling the same atm, parents say to "ride it out" but i honestly can't see it ending. You'll pull through somehow
Posted from TSR Mobile
I barely ever cry when I'm not this ill, ironically. Can go months easily without doing so, though the last few months have broken me down.
Sorry you're feeling so rubbish.
I would say you can PM but I'm not really a position to be helping anyone atm, I'm afraid. I hope it passes soon for you though. Posted from TSR Mobile
Meh. Something's not right today and I don't know what it is.
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Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
Well of course you haven't eaten any of them. Coz you would have given me some, yes yes?
i deffinately would have shared them round
_____________________________________________________________________________
managed to get a shower AND get dressed.
just hope i dont get questioned or judged all night, hoping my sister will be the star of the show instead so i can hide in the corner
I either have awful taste in friends and partners or I poison people. I'm prone to believing the second.
Although i'm fairly happy, is it bad that I don't want to clear some confusion about what's happening next week (for college/future/everything happening next week) because i'm not a fan of a certain teacher and she'll likely be there? Granted, it'll be a quick telling me what i'm doing but still my anxiety is little high because of it.
Don't feel at all safe or happy tonight.
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