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    Don't feel at all safe or happy tonight.
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    I can't even think to do my dissertation and it's due in 4 days and I'm at 7500 words and a half-arsed program and I feel sick with worry and they're making me go and have a meal with my gfs family. And then we have to play games until almost midnight and I really need to work on this but manners are more important when trying to please my parents-in-law.
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Don't feel at all safe or happy tonight.
    Whats wrong? :/
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    (Original post by Malevolent)
    Whats wrong? :/
    I just have an overwhelming sinking feeling in my chest that only happens when everything is not OK. I feel like I'm being ignored by close friends, and I'm getting the familiar sense that people who I consider to be best friends have better friends than me and don't feel the same way.

    I have to go out tomorrow to a consultant appointment and I would really just rather sleep. I would rather sleep all the time. Sleep for 5 weeks until the baby is here.

    I guess it's just a build up of emotion. I am scared to cry because my bf isnt good at bring sympathetic especially when I don't know what I am really down about. He doesn't understand depression.
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    i cannsae do rtnhis....... dfuunbno wawht tio sdo... weeeeeeereeteeeee,.... hehtads buudxzing..... rtroyunfd anndf rroudn asnd trougbnd...
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    tired, confused, frustrated and angry.

    can't even post things right now other than this as too full of emotion not to just blow up at someone and get myself permabanned or something (trust me the things I would like to say to some people right now would get me that.)

    just had my fill of annoying people/annoying world and probably mainly cause my head is just a mess of not knowing what to do about my future cause I don't know what to do or anything about **** anymore.

    just urgh, had enough and don't even know what to type anymore.
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    (Original post by SciFiRory)
    tired, confused, frustrated and angry.

    can't even post things right now other than this as too full of emotion not to just blow up at someone and get myself permabanned or something (trust me the things I would like to say to some people right now would get me that.)

    just had my fill of annoying people/annoying world and probably mainly cause my head is just a mess of not knowing what to do about my future cause I don't know what to do or anything about **** anymore.

    just urgh, had enough and don't even know what to type anymore.
    :hugs: phone me if you need me babe :hugs:

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    Going through a down phase at the moment. Constantly feeling anxious and down, I don't even have anyone I can talk to because my in real life friends simply don't understand and i've either drifted away or i'm not talking to those who I used to talk to.

    :moon:
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    (Original post by catoswyn)
    I'm great thanks. My problems have been dealt with effectively which is one reason I come on this thread as I know how it seems when you're in the middle of it all and it all seems pretty hopeless but I also know that it isn't really as hopeless as it seems and things can get sorted.

    It sounds like you are dealing with a very complex set of issues which really can't be easy and would need addressing holistically. It may take a little time. For instance you need to get treated for depression and anxiety which will help with the anger. You also described developing coping mechanisms such as obsessive behaviour in a previous post which is really another attempt to gain control when you are in pain and feel like things are out of control.

    You can certainly bring up the prospect of medication with your counsellor. Sounds like you need to point out that you are feeling negative and depressed a lot of the time and that that leads to feeling angry and isolated. .

    I think you are probably spot on when you say that the anger is a side effect of everything else, not the cause. Anger is a chemical reaction involving adrenaline and cortisone. In that sense it is not part of anyone's 'personality'. In some people these chemicals have malfunctioned/become over produced or get triggered too easily so that they are flooded with them very quickly. Often this is a result of stress and anxiety. A very anxious or frightened person may be producing high amounts of these chemicals for instance. In other cases the adrenal glands are not functioning as they should. None of this is the fault of the person. It is a physical thing. As real as any other problem with the body... like Diabetes or Asthma. However of course this kind of anger is quite destructive and therefore can create a whole set of other social problems.

    As you say, at the root of it all, you are obviously feeling very depressed and isolated. You are obviously very bright and have a lot of insight and ability. This makes it harder in some ways because observing yourself like you are able to means that you feel like you are in effect on the outside of yourself watching what seems like another person evolve. Personally I think you are observing the illness itself.... it is not you exactly but rather you experiencing depression and anxiety ie. you can see how depression is like a black hole in the heart that drains people and feels as if it will overwhelm and re-write the self. However it might work to remember that the 'real self' is ALWAYS the observer, not the observed. When we have flu we observe that we are in pain and hot and aching. This is happening to us but it is not us as such. Observing the depression and stuff you experience is the same. These things aren't you... they are an illness you are experiencing and one that is treatable. (Again I hope that makes some sense and it is just my opinion).

    One reason I suggested writing for you is that it is this very ability to observe the interior and put things into words that is the essence of a writer. You also have excellently constructed sentences. All writers doubt themselves so you wouldn't be alone there! Will Self has a personality disorder for instance and Stephen King is a depressed insominiac!!!! They used these things to create great fiction.

    Its crap that your relationship with your family is so up and down. It can't help. I'm sure they do love you but it sounds as if, from an early age, they haven't been able to offer you what you needed for one reason or another. Not their fault either really.. people can only offer what they have and sometimes it isn't enough. Obviously your siblings have different needs as everyone is an individual. I met brothers once who had very different opinions of their parents. One thought that they were respectful of not interfering in his life; the other brother felt they were just not interested in him or anything he did. The parents actually had the same behaviour but the two children had different needs and so read that behaviour differently. It sounds as if you felt lonely and depressed from a very early age and this was not recognised so your parents didn't, or couldn't, meet the needs you had, leaving you to try to deal with it alone. No wonder its got worse.

    I think you can make it through this. Be clear with the CMHT what you want. They are a tool for you to use. They can offer therapies, medication and feedback plus help if you ever hit a crisis. Besides, nothing ever stays the same. You will be moving on into a new life as time goes on with new people in new places. You'll find your people eventually and create the life you want.

    PM me if you ever need to. As an ex-Brummie myself I'm interested in how you get on!!!

    You're welcome.

    The weird thing is I can get in a really high mood but I still can't feel anything; anything being anything; how someone speaks, or how someone looks. Not only that, but I generally hate the world and, well, people as well. I just hate people. On the other hand, I really just want someone who understands me and no-one in the world does understand me.

    Spoiler:
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    The other thing is well...I have certain "urges". I can't say what these urges are, I suppose you've caught drift? I just have these urges. I can't help but do so and they make me happy when thinking about playing out my urges; it may sound macabre to you and everyone. I just can't help it, however I have been battling these urges for a long time and they're almost taking over. I don't know why I have them; they eerily make me happy though. Is it safe enough for me to tell my counsellor about these urges, I just don't want to be taken away?

    The only coping mechanisms I have are my personas or my dreamland. When something happens one of me just comes out; I can be grandiose, evil, good, or well..me. The moment I'm typing this I feel as if I don't know if they're me, or if they're real out all. It's really confusing. The dreamland is like a state of trance; the dream helps me to actually get better on with life. As soon as I snap out of that fantasy I don't know where I am, as if the the fantasy is better than the reality and that the fantasy will be better for me. Imagine being in a border of what is and isn't real. RPGS are another coping mechanism I use; diverting me into another world. I actually believe that the places in the game are real and I can somehow go to that place.

    The OCD thing is because when I order something, the person must do it. I really don't know why I do that for.

    I also see this figure:

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    These pictures are exactly the same as the figure I always see; my counsellor said it is probably just shadows and because my mum was with me I never said anything. However, I'm pretty sure this is a real figure as I have seen it in 3 different houses. I can't go anywhere alone because of this figure. How should I tell my counsellor about it; would drawing a picture of the figure be useful?

    It is the only ever figure I have seen. I've been seeing it for the past 2 or maybe 3 years. I've seen it next to me when I sleep, outside the bathroom window, in my bedroom, behind my sofa, at the bottom of the stairs etc, etc. I've also seen it in different positions doing different things: standing up, kneeling, praying, crawling, on the ceiling, on the wall, pointing, smiling, laughing, mocking, bleeding, crying etc, etc. I also see it consecutively as when I see it in my head I say "3,2,1-RUN!!" and when I run it'll be behind me, on my side, in the corners and right in front of me blocking my path. What do you think I should do about this?


    Today I have actually realised how manipulative I am. I mean I haven't been wholly truthful with you; I cause half of the arguments in my family while I quickly creep away from the trouble and my parents just really go for each other. I am the one why my family constantly worries (our financial condition is really bad too) and literally I control my brothers and my mum. However, my dad is the only one who sees this, I have actually manipulated my whole family into believing me; I'm pretty ashamed of that but I can not change by words-medicine is really what I need.

    My dad is also has MDD (major depressive disorder), I really mess him around . He is trying his utmost best to help me and I really respect him for that. I really have dome some terrible things to him and many people of my family. He has had two strokes in the last 10 years and he nearly had another stroke because of me this year. He is unable to work because the disorder he has and the strokes that he had; he literally does everything though. I just want him to accept me; he never has. My parents have always asked if I am okay and if my day has been good, but I always say I'm good as I've never been the person to admit things. I suppose it'd because of my ego.

    On the other hand, I have been beaten many times. I have been kicked out of my house many times. My mum ran away from me 10 years ago and I still remember that clearly. Or I may just be different; I've always been violent ever since I can remember.

    The appointment with my counsellor went well. I have an appointment next week on Monday, and I have to go there alone. The next week after that he is going to come to my house, he said he wants to see how I am. Should I tell him everything on Monday?

    My family keep on saying nothing is wrong with me and that I shouldn't go there.They seriously don't understand anything.

    Sorry if this was really long. It took a lot out of me to admit these things, I hardly talk let alone admit things.

    Thank you for all your help.
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    (Original post by Idle)
    Going through a down phase at the moment. Constantly feeling anxious and down, I don't even have anyone I can talk to because my in real life friends simply don't understand and i've either drifted away or i'm not talking to those who I used to talk to.

    :moon:
    Sorry to hear that mate :hugs: But if you need/want to talk, your always welcome to PM me or send me something on fb.


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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    I just have an overwhelming sinking feeling in my chest that only happens when everything is not OK. I feel like I'm being ignored by close friends, and I'm getting the familiar sense that people who I consider to be best friends have better friends than me and don't feel the same way.

    I have to go out tomorrow to a consultant appointment and I would really just rather sleep. I would rather sleep all the time. Sleep for 5 weeks until the baby is here.

    I guess it's just a build up of emotion. I am scared to cry because my bf isnt good at bring sympathetic especially when I don't know what I am really down about. He doesn't understand depression.
    What's the consultant appointment for? Its best o just keep active so you don't have that chance to over think and feel worse.


    How about your parents?would they be of any help? If you want anyone to talk to I can listen :hugs:
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    I dont understand. people keep telling me to not die but its not right. they only say that because everyone is conditioned into believing that staying alive at all costs is the best thing but it isn't. sometimes it just isn't. nobody gives me any reasons or tells me how to do it they just say oh keep going it will get better. But how? it doesnt make any sense at all. im so confused. i want to talk to someone but i cant. i really dont know why im posting this.
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    I dont understand. people keep telling me to not die but its not right. they only say that because everyone is conditioned into believing that staying alive at all costs is the best thing but it isn't. sometimes it just isn't. nobody gives me any reasons or tells me how to do it they just say oh keep going it will get better. But how? it doesnt make any sense at all. im so confused. i want to talk to someone but i cant. i really dont know why im posting this.
    I always think about what will happen if I die; I will be unable to see simple things such as the sunrise and the sunset. Colours of blanket blue and morning yellow covering the sky when I wake; starstruck twilight and a hint of white light when I sleep.

    The seasons of our country. How life is cold, bleak and struggling to survive by using all that nature has given them, with no bird song to listen when wondering. How life is sprung again, back to life.

    Or seeing the Earth's natural beauty.

    These are the things that you would miss out on if dead; you may not be able to cope with your hardships at the moment so try to receive help. It's there for you, and I know personally that it is really, really, really hard to just say "Help me, please?"- it's a must.

    You'll miss out on your future; you may never know what will happen.

    Think about YOUR most beautiful place on Earth and set that image in your head; make sure you always remember that image and strive that one day you'll be there. What is your most beautiful place?
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    is it normal to be so angry that you want to seriously injure yourself and destroy your prized possessions? if not then I need help cause I actually can't control all the pent up rage anymore, I just ****ing can't.
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    (Original post by Malevolent)
    What's the consultant appointment for? Its best o just keep active so you don't have that chance to over think and feel worse.


    How about your parents?would they be of any help? If you want anyone to talk to I can listen :hugs:
    It's because I have no thyroid gland and found out about the baby very late, so I'm medium risk. Thanks but keeping active is very hard when 8 months pregnant. I wear out too easily and feel tired all the time, so I'm just alone with my thoughts a lot. My Dad is a great help but I live with my partner and don't see him very much. Neither of them know how to deal with depression/anxiety let alone coupled with pregnancy hormones. Mum is never around.

    I've just been really badly triggered by something on this thread as well but I can't say what because I don't want to upset anyone. Trying to keep calm but having flashbacks. Don't usually get them. Scared. Going on Skype.
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    It's because I have no thyroid gland and found out about the baby very late, so I'm medium risk. Thanks but keeping active is very hard when 8 months pregnant. I wear out too easily and feel tired all the time, so I'm just alone with my thoughts a lot. My Dad is a great help but I live with my partner and don't see him very much. Neither of them know how to deal with depression/anxiety let alone coupled with pregnancy hormones. Mum is never around.

    I've just been really badly triggered by something on this thread as well but I can't say what because I don't want to upset anyone. Trying to keep calm but having flashbacks. Don't usually get them. Scared. Going on Skype.
    Awww Hope everything goes well for you tomorrow! Yeah sorry I didn't put two and two together there that you were pregnant. Try phoning one of those helplines for people who listen. I found them extremely helpful when I felt low. Have you got any friends who maybe you could confide in to talk about how your feeling?

    Oh thats really unfortunate. If you need someone to talk to I'm all ears.
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    (Original post by lonelybrummie)
    You're welcome.

    The weird thing is I can get in a really high mood but I still can't feel anything; anything being anything; how someone speaks, or how someone looks. Not only that, but I generally hate the world and, well, people as well. I just hate people. On the other hand, I really just want someone who understands me and no-one in the world does understand me.

    The other thing is well...I have certain "urges". I can't say what these urges are, I suppose you've caught drift? I just have these urges. I can't help but do so and they make me happy when thinking about playing out my urges; it may sound macabre to you and everyone. I just can't help it, however I have been battling these urges for a long time and they're almost taking over. I don't know why I have them; they eerily make me happy though. Is it safe enough for me to tell my counsellor about these urges, I just don't want to be taken away?

    The only coping mechanisms I have are my personas or my dreamland. When something happens one of me just comes out; I can be grandiose, evil, good, or well..me. The moment I'm typing this I feel as if I don't know if they're me, or if they're real out all. It's really confusing. The dreamland is like a state of trance; the dream helps me to actually get better on with life. As soon as I snap out of that fantasy I don't know where I am, as if the the fantasy is better than the reality and that the fantasy will be better for me. Imagine being in a border of what is and isn't real. RPGS are another coping mechanism I use; diverting me into another world. I actually believe that the places in the game are real and I can somehow go to that place.

    The OCD thing is because when I order something, the person must do it. I really don't know why I do that for.

    I also see this figure:

    Name:  stock-photo-horror-scene-woman-with-long-black-hair-in-white-dress-in-the-spooky-dark-forest-122.jpg
Views: 119
Size:  39.7 KBName:  15720285-horror-scene-of-a-scary-woman.jpg
Views: 219
Size:  8.2 KB

    Name:  16305027-woman-with-long-black-hair-in-white-dress-in-the-spooky-dark-forest.jpg
Views: 103
Size:  37.8 KB

    These pictures are exactly the same as the figure I always see; my counsellor said it is probably just shadows and because my mum was with me I never said anything. However, I'm pretty sure this is a real figure as I have seen it in 3 different houses. I can't go anywhere alone because of this figure. How should I tell my counsellor about it; would drawing a picture of the figure be useful?

    It is the only ever figure I have seen. I've been seeing it for the past 2 or maybe 3 years. I've seen it next to me when I sleep, outside the bathroom window, in my bedroom, behind my sofa, at the bottom of the stairs etc, etc. I've also seen it in different positions doing different things: standing up, kneeling, praying, crawling, on the ceiling, on the wall, pointing, smiling, laughing, mocking, bleeding, crying etc, etc. I also see it consecutively as when I see it in my head I say "3,2,1-RUN!!" and when I run it'll be behind me, on my side, in the corners and right in front of me blocking my path. What do you think I should do about this?

    Today I have actually realised how manipulative I am. I mean I haven't been wholly truthful with you; I cause half of the arguments in my family while I quickly creep away from the trouble and my parents just really go for each other. I am the one why my family constantly worries (our financial condition is really bad too) and literally I control my brothers and my mum. However, my dad is the only one who sees this, I have actually manipulated my whole family into believing me; I'm pretty ashamed of that but I can not change by words-medicine is really what I need.

    My dad is also has MDD (major depressive disorder), I really mess him around . He is trying his utmost best to help me and I really respect him for that. I really have dome some terrible things to him and many people of my family. He has had two strokes in the last 10 years and he nearly had another stroke because of me this year. He is unable to work because the disorder he has and the strokes that he had; he literally does everything though. I just want him to accept me; he never has. My parents have always asked if I am okay and if my day has been good, but I always say I'm good as I've never been the person to admit things. I suppose it'd because of my ego.

    On the other hand, I have been beaten many times. I have been kicked out of my house many times. My mum ran away from me 10 years ago and I still remember that clearly. Or I may just be different; I've always been violent ever since I can remember.

    The appointment with my counsellor went well. I have an appointment next week on Monday, and I have to go there alone. The next week after that he is going to come to my house, he said he wants to see how I am. Should I tell him everything on Monday?

    My family keep on saying nothing is wrong with me and that I shouldn't go there.They seriously don't understand anything.

    Sorry if this was really long. It took a lot out of me to admit these things, I hardly talk let alone admit things.

    Thank you for all your help.
    No problem. Thanks for communicating. You're being really brave. Yes, I think you should keep seeing your counsellor whatever your parents say, so long as you want to.

    I don't know about the not feeling stuff. Is it kind of like being cut off from yourself? Hating people is okay too. Ultimately there is nothing to say you have to like people until you do.

    Your description of what you are experiencing sounds like at times you are so far into your dream world that figures appear in real life. Are you frightened when this happens or is it okay because it is part of your own secret world? Certainly take any drawings or anything that helps you communicate to your meetings. If the figure frightens you then medication can make it go away. If it is part of your own world, not frightening and you want to keep it then that is okay too. Your coping mechanisms are escapist. You don't like your everyday experiences so you choose others.

    I don't know exactly what urges you experience. Remember thinking something is not the same as doing it. If it is thoughts of hurting yourself in any way then its perfectly safe to tell your counsellor. If it is thoughts of hurting other people then you can express it by saying that you often feel violent/angry towards people but don't act out your thoughts; its not neccesary to go into details. However either way it is good to tell your counsellor as much as you can in the end because then they will be able to work out the best medications and so forth. If you hide part of your experience then they might get it wrong. No one is going to cart you away. Its good you are going on your own so you can say whatever you want in complete confidence. It might help. Of course its early days and you might not yet feel safe with your counsellor or sure of them... that will come, there is no rush. If it turns out you just don't get on over time then you have the right ask for a different one anyway so see how you feel with them.

    No one does ever truly understand another person because we can't literally be inside someone else's head but many human beings are pretty good at imagining things and empathy so they can get a good idea of your experience. I think it all sounds very confusing and tough for you right now. Lots going on.

    As for your parents and family. You've got the ones you've got with all their good points and all their not so good. Your dad sounds as if he is struggling on. Crap about money too. Its very hard. No one should ever be physically beaten though. Its not right. Full stop. Whatever the person has done. You have a perfect right to feel angry and hurt if that has happened to you. Maybe you think that you 'made it happen/deserved it' by being unreasonable. That's crap However unreasonable you are, however much you make someone angry, they still can choose or not whether to physically attack you. It is their responsibility if they do that, not yours.

    I know you realise that your own behaviour is hard for them to deal with sometimes and that you feel you are controlling the family in many ways. You're just one person in that family. You're not responsible for everyone else's reactions and arguments. They could choose to deal with it a different way. They're responsible for themselves just like you are.

    Are you planning to go to university? (Maybe you are already there????) If not..... If you're from a low income family there is a lot of help financially and there are also support services at university you can link up with. It would let you meet a whole lot of other people and live away from home so you could see what you are like in a very different environment. Hopefully by then you'll also have sorted out meds and so forth.

    Great that they are seeing you weekly. That will let you get to know them and see what you think.

    Take care.

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    (Original post by Malevolent)
    Awww Hope everything goes well for you tomorrow! Yeah sorry I didn't put two and two together there that you were pregnant. Try phoning one of those helplines for people who listen. I found them extremely helpful when I felt low. Have you got any friends who maybe you could confide in to talk about how your feeling?

    Oh thats really unfortunate. If you need someone to talk to I'm all ears.
    Doing all that already. Doesn't stop the emotions. I use helplines a bit sometimes, but I usually come off them feeling worse. Don't have any friends that understand depression and if they did I don't want to bug them. I know it's a stupid reason, people don't mind etc etc. Anxiety tells me otherwise and I can't switch it off. I have people on Skype that help from here and I help them when I can so that's what I'm doing.
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Doing all that already. Doesn't stop the emotions. I use helplines a bit sometimes, but I usually come off them feeling worse. Don't have any friends that understand depression and if they did I don't want to bug them. I know it's a stupid reason, people don't mind etc etc. Anxiety tells me otherwise and I can't switch it off. I have people on Skype that help from here and I help them when I can so that's what I'm doing.
    Awww :sad:

    Yeah I have problems opening up to people because I feel I'm bugging them and I just can't seem to convey my feelings to people. Okay sounds like a good idea and I hope it helps even if its just a tiny bit.
    • #17
    #17

    Had a bit of a hard time since getting back from Download. I just feel like I don't WANT to get better any more, I've stopped taking my medication, stopped talking to my friends and family and lack any desire to do anything at all. I have a semi-formal job interview tomorrow but I don't think I'm going to go... will probably go wander about in the woods and get drunk instead.

    My mum seems to think it's just a bit of a come-down from the weekend but I fear it's something a little more serious... like all the progress I've made over the last 3 months has been completely in vain.
 
 
 
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