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    Haven't slept for 48 hours and i dont feel tired. What the hell is wrong with me :s
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    I'm so proud of myself!!
    Last night I managed to sleep despite conditions I would normaly not be able to sleep under. I was really amazed when I woke up cos I hadn't even tried to sleep or anything, it just happened And I just looked at the time and i'm up really early for me (though I have nothing to do so I am going to go back to bed in a sec).

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    feeelgin so damn disugustingly sick nad sweaty,, poackiy, no ffeling good at asll :s.... ddybnno waat i ddoine :s
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    Gonna miss my drs appointment. My sleep is ****ed feel so **** and drained at the moment

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    Everything is very black
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    (Original post by catoswyn)
    No problem. Thanks for communicating. You're being really brave. Yes, I think you should keep seeing your counsellor whatever your parents say, so long as you want to.

    I don't know about the not feeling stuff. Is it kind of like being cut off from yourself? Hating people is okay too. Ultimately there is nothing to say you have to like people until you do.

    Your description of what you are experiencing sounds like at times you are so far into your dream world that figures appear in real life. Are you frightened when this happens or is it okay because it is part of your own secret world? Certainly take any drawings or anything that helps you communicate to your meetings. If the figure frightens you then medication can make it go away. If it is part of your own world, not frightening and you want to keep it then that is okay too. Your coping mechanisms are escapist. You don't like your everyday experiences so you choose others.

    I don't know exactly what urges you experience. Remember thinking something is not the same as doing it. If it is thoughts of hurting yourself in any way then its perfectly safe to tell your counsellor. If it is thoughts of hurting other people then you can express it by saying that you often feel violent/angry towards people but don't act out your thoughts; its not neccesary to go into details. However either way it is good to tell your counsellor as much as you can in the end because then they will be able to work out the best medications and so forth. If you hide part of your experience then they might get it wrong. No one is going to cart you away. Its good you are going on your own so you can say whatever you want in complete confidence. It might help. Of course its early days and you might not yet feel safe with your counsellor or sure of them... that will come, there is no rush. If it turns out you just don't get on over time then you have the right ask for a different one anyway so see how you feel with them.

    No one does ever truly understand another person because we can't literally be inside someone else's head but many human beings are pretty good at imagining things and empathy so they can get a good idea of your experience. I think it all sounds very confusing and tough for you right now. Lots going on.

    As for your parents and family. You've got the ones you've got with all their good points and all their not so good. Your dad sounds as if he is struggling on. Crap about money too. Its very hard. No one should ever be physically beaten though. Its not right. Full stop. Whatever the person has done. You have a perfect right to feel angry and hurt if that has happened to you. Maybe you think that you 'made it happen/deserved it' by being unreasonable. That's crap However unreasonable you are, however much you make someone angry, they still can choose or not whether to physically attack you. It is their responsibility if they do that, not yours.

    I know you realise that your own behaviour is hard for them to deal with sometimes and that you feel you are controlling the family in many ways. You're just one person in that family. You're not responsible for everyone else's reactions and arguments. They could choose to deal with it a different way. They're responsible for themselves just like you are.

    Are you planning to go to university? (Maybe you are already there????) If not..... If you're from a low income family there is a lot of help financially and there are also support services at university you can link up with. It would let you meet a whole lot of other people and live away from home so you could see what you are like in a very different environment. Hopefully by then you'll also have sorted out meds and so forth.

    Great that they are seeing you weekly. That will let you get to know them and see what you think.

    Take care.

    Thank you; you've been really kind to actually help me out.

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    I can't put it into words; it's like you can't feel anything. Imagine being a brick wall, because that's the only way I can put it. I can not feel emotions; especially ones like sorrow, happiness, joy etc, etc. The worrisome thing about the hate is that I'll hate you within 30 seconds of speaking to you, and when I hate people I genuinely feel that they do not deserve to live. So I really want to get rid of this thought process because it is making my social life harder,; it already is hard enough.

    My perception of people and talking is really poor. I can't work out what people mean sometimes, for example if you say "That was funny", I'll think you're talking about me or that you done something horrible to someone. My perception of society is really bad. I just inherently hate society, and if someone believes in God that really works me up.

    I can't understand love, happiness and other things. It's like I don't know what it means or what it does. that's why CBT and talking won't help me, because I'm unable to understand what the person is saying and I can't really get their motive.

    The dreamland is only in my head; that's the only place that I can see it but I always think it's real and that's the part that confuses me. I want to go there but I know it's not real yet I think it's real. If you're trying to see what I'm saying. From a psychological view, my dreamland is probably a place where all my flaws, failures, hates etc, etc are all gone and I'm in full control of what's happening there. That's probably why I like it so much because it's what I would like, and I realise that but I can't do anything about it. It's like I need to go there just like I need to breathe; you can't help but do so. However, when I said I'm able to be in control that's not wholly true; the world is almost like ours, only without the bad things. I know it sounds really weird and really confusing, but do you understand what I am trying to say?

    The vision is entirely physical; it's not part of that dreamland. I would never allow something like that to be there. I've tried to take a picture of it, and so I mentally can try to remember that it's not real. That has and hasn't helped because I feel really fearful on my own; like today when I came out of the bathroom I ran downstairs. I always do this because if I see it, it'll scare me and it'll reappear a few times before going. When that happens I can not go to the places where I saw her for a few hours. She is definitely not a part of that dreamland because I can see her as I would be able to see you. Have you ever had any hallucinations?

    The paranoia also gets worse and worse when I see her. I mean I am really paranoid already; I hate people talking around me, looking at me and even the camera on my phone and the webcam on my laptop. When I'm in the shower I constantly check behind the curtains to see if she's their or outside the window. When I'm in my room I always play games which take the fear and paranoia away; if I'm not playing games and I'm in my room I will constantly check under my bed if she is there, then I'll think she's above me, then under the bed again. The paranoia is really bad; when I get paranoid I will start sweating, breathing more heavily, I will be able to hear my heart beating, I feel a bit a dizzy or light-headed.

    Yeah, I suppose thinking about something isn't the same as doing it; thinking only goes so far though as someone who wants to do something will eventually do it. The urges are about hurting others or doing other very violent acts, and I always have urges everyday-they're not rare. In fact, I was going to reply to your post yesterday but, as I said before about different persona's, I think one of them was trying to coerce me into not telling the counsellor anything about these urges. Or maybe that was myself, I don't really know anything but I may have put myself on the fence now. My heart is fully set on these urges as I felt my heart felt really different when thinking about the urges, but my brain is the one that is really confused as it doesn't know what to do about these urges. I really need medications for this; talking about the urges will not be able to help at all. I tried really hard to not succumb to my inner voice but I did, yet my body is one step ahead; it knows that I'll be asking for medication and it's going to try to stop me. To counter that I'll write down all the things that I'm going to ask the counsellor, then I'll take the piece of paper with me into the appointment.

    I, unlike others, see violence differently. I don't think murder is violent at all; I suppose my perception is really bad and I need to improve that somehow. I actually enjoy watching violence. I really want to get rid of these habits and I've been successful and unsuccessful. I don't watch violent videos any more, yet that has given my imagination a lot more power as I haven't anything to feed my urge so I'll make up and devise ways in my head. I just want to get rid of this, and my body is acting weird again when typing this up; it's as if it doesn't want me to live a good life. Could you please tell me what type of medication will I be able to have for this?

    I just don't know where this violent thing has come from and I've my best to get rid of it, but it just doesn't go. Well when I saw actual death and murder I was shocked and intrigued at the same time; I kept on watching "those videos" (I'm sure you know what videos I'm talking about) and, macabre as it may seem, fell in love with that kind of stuff. Please don't consider me to be a freak, I seriously can not help it.

    I've read around that they may just be intrusive thoughts, but I read that intrusive thoughts make people scared or depressed. I'm the opposite of that; they do not scare me and they don't make me feel depressed, in fact I feel the opposite of depression and fear when having them thoughts. I suppose it's because of my family that I wouldn't act upon them, and that I want to get rid of these thoughts (I doubt they'll ever be able to go).

    I just really don't want to be taken away; they may think I'm a danger to society. The counsellor is really good, and I'm glad he said he wants to see me alone because my mum keeps on talking for me. She only said I'm constantly angry, violent and depressed but that's not the whole of it. So I guess he realised that. I'm worrying about the home visit; he's coming to my house on the 1st of July to see how I am.

    I suppose you're right about people understanding others; the thing is though no-one actually understands me or even knows me for me. Everyone has their own interpretation, that I'm a loner, an angry teen, etc, etc. But none of this is true.

    My dad is really having a hard time; 6 months ago he was contemplating suicide because my mum had an affair; he was physically crying in front of me and that was horrible. Every bad thing I see, do and have happened to me harden me even more so it affected me a lot. I have been beaten moderately (slapped and punched), to severely (hit with metal, wood, bamboo or hit with metal plugs on my head which have nearly knocked me unconscious). Yet, I deal the same as I was given; I hit my mum, dad and other members of my family-I am abusive also. They never hit me now, I suppose it's because they're scared of me now.

    You're right about me just being on person in the family, but you'd think differently if you lived with us. I constantly am abusive and manipulative; so I literally wind everything up and try to get away with it. I wish to change this habit as I've caused so many problems. My dad was contemplating suicide because of me.

    I'm not so sure about going to university; I'm not sure about what to do. I was going to join the military, but I can't now; my mental health will not let me join. That is the only thing I've ever wanted to do, so not being able to do it makes me very depressed. If I go to university I'll definitely try to get some financial help, thanks. The new people thing will be horrible for me; I mean I can't even communicate with people I am know, let alone new people. I'll probably just go to lectures then stay in my room all day.


    Yeah, I really need some medicine. Hopefully you can see how I feel, and that I really need medication not CBT.

    Thank you, so, so much! I will try to take care as much as possible.
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    (Original post by bullettheory)
    Sorry to hear that mate :hugs: But if you need/want to talk, your always welcome to PM me or send me something on fb.


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    Thanks mate
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    (Original post by sunfowers01)
    Everything is very black
    :hugs: You wanna talk about it?
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    I'm having a pity party today guys, everyone's invited.

    Man, I want to go and swim later, it's been soooo long.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :hugs: You wanna talk about it?
    I'm not coping. All i want to do is sleep or eat. Work is very demanding. I'll have taught 23 hours by the end of the week. Doesn't sound too bad, but it's all exam preparation. On top of the teaching, there's the marking which takes a while. It's not really my responsibility, but everyone comes to me because I'm native.

    I had class last night with adults and I could see two girls were getting annoyed because we weren't doing speaking practice. It annoyed me too. Everyone thinks I can look at there work there and then. I'm also having to give classes to kids who don't care. To be honest, it's trying my patience. I'm sick of having to pretend everything is fine. I'm screaming inside. I can't do this.
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    Finished my exams today, kinda happy, kinda empty. There was a point where I didn't think I would see the day or make it this far, I'm not quite sure whether I'm pleased or not that I did. Exams didn't go too well and I missed one of them so it's not looking good. Just don't know how I feel and everything's a bit grey.


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    (Original post by sunfowers01)
    I'm not coping. All i want to do is sleep or eat. Work is very demanding. I'll have taught 23 hours by the end of the week. Doesn't sound too bad, but it's all exam preparation. On top of the teaching, there's the marking which takes a while. It's not really my responsibility, but everyone comes to me because I'm native.

    I had class last night with adults and I could see two girls were getting annoyed because we weren't doing speaking practice. It annoyed me too. Everyone thinks I can look at there work there and then. I'm also having to give classes to kids who don't care. To be honest, it's trying my patience. I'm sick of having to pretend everything is fine. I'm screaming inside. I can't do this.
    :console: Yeah, I've done teaching while depressed and it's sheer hell if your heart's not in in it. Is there any aspect of it that you are enjoying at all at the moment? If so I'd try and focus on that, and see if there are ways of making other parts of the job more similar to it. I'd also try and speak to someone higher up about how you're feeling, maybe see if you can get your hours reduced or have less marking to do. There's also the option of asking for sick leave/quitting altogether if your health's really being affected, but it's usually better to try less extreme options first.

    Don't feel like you're alone in this, tons of teachers suffer from stress and depression, and you've got us on your side too. :hugs:
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    (Original post by octoberbaby)
    I either have awful taste in friends and partners or I poison people. I'm prone to believing the second.
    It's not your fault what others do. Even if what they do is a reaction to you it's still THEIR reaction and their decision. What's wrong about them? :hugs:


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    feeling really weird today.
    i dont like it at all

    deffinately not with it at all, only just getting round to eating
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    I'm so tense because I managed to get into an argument with a friend about something trivial on facebook and I'm really anxious that he is going to win and make me look like an idiot. I always stay away from arguments because I never ever manage to get my points across and come out of them feeling stupid and insignificant. And then people hate me. I should have just kept my opinions to myself.
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    I'm so tense because I managed to get into an argument with a friend about something trivial on facebook and I'm really anxious that he is going to win and make me look like an idiot. I always stay away from arguments because I never ever manage to get my points across and come out of them feeling stupid and insignificant. And then people hate me. I should have just kept my opinions to myself.
    :jumphug: You have every right to express your opinions, and I'm sure people don't hate you sweetie. You're not stupid or insignificant at all! :hugs:
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    my body hates me and i hate my body.

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    dont know what to do, last time i went to the drs about this issue, i just got told it was normal, when clearly it isnt. pretty sure 2 or more periods a month is NOT normal :cry2:
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    my body hates me and i hate my body.

    womens stuff
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    dont know what to do, last time i went to the drs about this issue, i just got told it was normal, when clearly it isnt. pretty sure 2 or more periods a month is NOT normal :cry2:
    :jumphug:

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    I just looked on the NHS website, and they say you should consult a GP if your periods are closer together than every three weeks, which in your case they must be. I recommend that you see another doctor, and if you're not already, perhaps consider going on the Pill? I was put on the Pill last year as my periods are a) really heavy, and b) were coming every 3-7 weeks.
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    (Original post by Kindred)
    It's not your fault what others do. Even if what they do is a reaction to you it's still THEIR reaction and their decision. What's wrong about them? :hugs:


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    IDK just everyone in my life either ends up either ****ed up or more ****ed up. I shouldn't be around people.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :jumphug:

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    I just looked on the NHS website, and they say you should consult a GP if your periods are closer together than every three weeks, which in your case they must be. I recommend that you see another doctor, and if you're not already, perhaps consider going on the Pill? I was put on the Pill last year as my periods are a) really heavy, and b) were coming every 3-7 weeks.
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    yeah i was meant to go back but missed it. My last one ended 2 weeks ago :/ this is like the 3rd time its happened this year now. He said it was normal. Im already on the pill and have been for 2 or 3 years now...
    Iv ALWAYS had issues with my periods and im sick of them heavy. REDICULOUSLY painful and irregular


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