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    (Original post by SciFiRory)
    I realised overnight, in the midst of my brains usual stuff;

    I've been a really awful person at times in the past because of my depression.

    no, that's not fair, the depression was my excuse to myself and how I deluded myself I did nothing wrong for so long.

    Spoiler:
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    I have been at times the most selfish, self absorbed thoughtless **** of a person you could hope to meet, and worse still I did this to people who I was closest too; I used them as a sounding board for my darkest thoughts and worst thoughts, I said and did things that deep down I must have known were incredibly triggering to them even then, that I can't forgive myself for, I was vile to do that, I didn't realise it at the time because I was so self absorbed, but now, I've seen myself clearly for the first time since, and I hate who I was and what I did back then, I apologized now tonight to both my friends who I did this too, I have no idea if they can forgive me, neither of them have spoken to me in like a year, but I understand now why they felt they had to cut me off, I was triggering them and abusing them by using them as a sounding board for my thoughts, I write this post here to remind myself of what I have done so I never make this mistake again and never forgive myself for what I did.


    I don't expect any of you to understand this post but that's okay, it's not for anyone else, it's for me to remember this and who knows maybe for my friends in the unlikely event they read it.

    but yeah, I was a real ****, but I know that now and I need to make sure I don't act that way ever again.

    I spoilered the main part of this cause it might be triggering or confusing to people.
    I think I must have read this this morning when I was half-asleep or something, coz I did mean to reply to this earlier :facepalm:

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    Please don't be so hard on yourself, hun. I actually think it's important to have a sounding-board, coz sometimes keeping everything bottled up can prove to be very dangerous - even (near-)fatal :sadnod: I know what you mean in a sense and how you're feeling because I was horrified when I became more lucid and realised how awful it must have been for my welfare tutors to deal with my psychosis without any training. But had I NOT approached them, well I quite frankly wouldn't be alive typing this to you now.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is: we all need to reach out to someone, somehow. Maybe the way you did it wasn't the best way and your friends had to back off, but that doesn't make you a bad person at all. Illness can really cloud judgment :sadnod:


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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Pah, reading music is overrated. You could have played by ear or been a jazz maestro or something, were it not for your sausage fingers :sadnod:

    :p:
    :lol: Ah, the career I could have had :moon:
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    (Original post by 08batee)
    :lol: Ah, the career I could have had :moon:
    :console: :nopity: :teehee:
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    (Original post by kahinalouise)
    Haven't posted on here for ages (probably the last thread or the one before that :rolleyes:)
    Might aswell introduce myself again I guess; I have depression, anxiety, ptsd and aspergers. Talking about summer I finish college next week, then I'm going to do some volunteering, try and drag myself out for walks and bike rides, just try to keep busy I guess.
    Neg repped this by accident, sorry Will fix it once i get rep again
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    (Original post by sadpanda123)
    Neg repped this by accident, sorry Will fix it once i get rep again
    I've pos. repped it to balance it out
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    Not feeling good at all tonight, my mood has been weird all day and has really crashed tonight. Last night I went out for a couple of hours but was absolutely awful, (was triggered, had flashback, had to handle very annoyingly drunk friends whilst completely sober and feeling rubbish) and it's made me quite mopey. A friend asked me to go on holiday with her too, last night. I had to say no cause I wouldn't cope. I just feel useless and pretty agitated for some reason. Ugh.
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    (Original post by lonelybrummie)
    I'm trying my best. I only have like 3 days left till the meeting; I really need to think about what I'm going to say. If I tell them just about my low mood and my social problems/anxiety I would not be fully cared for.

    I've been having severe battles this morning; my head feels like it's going to explode. I want to tell my mum about this; I just don't know how I can tell her about this, after all she'll be horrified. I would like to tell you about some of the things I've done, but I wouldn't be able to do it over the internet.

    I know how severe this is now; it's like I've been possessed by something and there's a few of me now. Me doesn't want myself to tell them about me, because brain just wants me to talk about the quiet, shy, harmless Akshay. It could be because it wants to divert attention away from my very violent and dangerous me.

    Sorry if that sounds really crazy.
    Hi

    I've sent a message to your in-box. Sorry you're feeling as if your head is exploding!

    The quiet, shy, harmless Akshay is just as much you as anything else.

    Take care

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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Big shout out to 08batee for consoling me earlier today. The headlines about the runaway student and teacher who is being jailed brought back memories/feelings Feeling better now though - hopefully things will stay that way :yes:
    BIG Hug

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    tears 3 nights in a row! i frikking love this. jokes.
    i cried because my boyfriend came on skype. how ****ing pathetic am i?!?!

    my hormones are all over the joint for some reason and i really dont like it, im quite concerned
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    (Original post by sadpanda123)
    Neg repped this by accident, sorry Will fix it once i get rep again
    :hugs: Thats okay, I do it all the time .
    Hope you're doing okay
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    (Original post by 08batee)
    Not feeling good at all tonight, my mood has been weird all day and has really crashed tonight. Last night I went out for a couple of hours but was absolutely awful, (was triggered, had flashback, had to handle very annoyingly drunk friends whilst completely sober and feeling rubbish) and it's made me quite mopey. A friend asked me to go on holiday with her too, last night. I had to say no cause I wouldn't cope. I just feel useless and pretty agitated for some reason. Ugh.
    Sorry to hear that, lovely. I can come onto Facebook if needed: can't sleep :nah:

    (Original post by catoswyn)
    BIG Hug

    Thanks :hugs:

    Back to feeling low and mopey again :facepalm:
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    (Original post by VaVe)
    So I didn't call the GP. I did manage to get dressed though and have applied for a whole three jobs.
    Might end up asking my mum to call them.
    Well done on applying for the jobs, hope you're successful!
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    At my friend's flat overnight and it's freaking me out a bit. Am diazzed and on a couple of antihistamines so pretty sedate, but there are guys here and I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep. Also just watched My Sister's Keeper and got quite upset so have cried on her, again. I'm not good at sleeping in places other than home, brings back not so good memories so I really hope it's ok.

    Friends have started to think I'm going out with her as well apparently which worries me a bit cos I'm pretty sure I'm asexual (for now, at least) and in the past other people have thought that I'm interested when I'm not. Unless she wants a non-sexual relationship I'm not really up for it and I don't really want to **** up the friendship.
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    (Original post by asdfgah)
    At my friend's flat overnight and it's freaking me out a bit. Am diazzed and on a couple of antihistamines so pretty sedate, but there are guys here and I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep. Also just watched My Sister's Keeper and got quite upset so have cried on her, again. I'm not good at sleeping in places other than home, brings back not so good memories so I really hope it's ok.
    Really hope it goes OK hun :hugs:

    Friends have started to think I'm going out with her as well apparently which worries me a bit cos I'm pretty sure I'm asexual (for now, at least) and in the past other people have thought that I'm interested when I'm not. Unless she wants a non-sexual relationship I'm not really up for it and I don't really want to **** up the friendship.
    Urgh, that's annoying that people have brought that up. I'm not gonna give advice about that coz it'll only be **** advice, knowing my history. Good luck with managing the situation though and hope it doesn't become too scary or confusing, whatever happens :lovehug:
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    Still awake. FML
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Still awake. FML
    Me too :five: :sad: :hugs:
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    Me too :five: :sad: :hugs:
    Rubbish isn't it? :console: Guessing things aren't good your end, hun? :hugs:
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Rubbish isn't it? :console: Guessing things aren't good your end, hun? :hugs:
    It is kinda my fault tonight... didn't take my mirtaz cos am scared of the nightmares :cry2: Things aren't looking too rosy to be sure. :emo:

    Whats keeping you up? :hugs:
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    It is kinda my fault tonight... didn't take my mirtaz cos am scared of the nightmares :cry2: Things aren't looking too rosy to be sure. :emo:

    Whats keeping you up? :hugs:
    The weird dreams on mirtazapine wore off after a few weeks for me, so hopefully that will happen for you too. You could try talking to your doctor about a different antidepressant if the dreams are so unpleasant that you can't put up with them?
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    It is kinda my fault tonight... didn't take my mirtaz cos am scared of the nightmares :cry2: Things aren't looking too rosy to be sure. :emo:

    Whats keeping you up? :hugs:
    Ah nightmares are awful, can't blame you for trying your best to avoid them :hugs: Which reminds me: forgot my evening meds. Again. Oops :ninja:

    This bloody case with the teacher who took that girl to France, that's what's keeping me up. Too close to home and kinda having a mini meltdown
 
 
 
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