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    So another week without making a GP appointment, and my parents are away for a week so I can't get them to call. I feel stable which I think is why I don't have the motivation to call and sort it all out, true I'm stable at a pretty low place but I've been so much worse.

    My brother managed to badly injure his knee while on holiday and has, for the past week, decided to sleep on the sofa downstairs. Not a big deal for the first couple of nights it is pretty understandable that he wouldn't want to have to go upstairs when he's wearing a full leg brace. Only, it means that when he wants to sleep or just lounge about with whatever he wants on TV I have to go upstairs and that means retreating into my room. It's like having a bed time set by my brother and I absolutely hate it. Is it selfish that I think he should make the effort to go upstairs? Probably but he manages to go out with his friends and get about easily enough when he wants to.

    It also means that I can't go downstairs in the morning before he's up and I just feel like somebody is dictating when I can do stuff and I hate how it feels. I was planning to talk to my Dad about getting my brother to sleep upstairs but my brother wasn't here last night (he went out, funnily enough his leg is fine when he wants to do that) and parents are getting up at 4 tomorrow to go on holiday.

    I almost fainted at work on Monday evening for no apparent reason, mostly just embarrassing but my boss had just offered me 16 hours/week over weekends and I didn't get a chance to ask her when I was supposed to start doing that. I'm half expecting to go in on Saturday morning and then have to ask if I'm supposed to stay, I'm going to try and text my boss tomorrow to ask. I'm still looking for something to do during the week, mainly because I need to save up money for rent for when I go back to uni. Haven't heard from any of the jobs I've applied for so far which is annoying but is normal from what my very very annoying ex keeps telling me.
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    I'm having a little bit of a freak out about my health today and thinking about all sorts of things. I don't know if there will be any triggers in this or not or even what it will be about, but if you think you might be easily triggered by anything like eating/ weight or OCD you may want to be on the safe side and not open it. There's also some girly stuff in there so guys will probably want to steer clear too. Nobody has to read it at all if im honest, i'm only posting this here cos it's the only place I have to to it, I hate the idea of diaries and my friends are all in bed and asleep by now. I just sorta need a rant I guess.
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    One of these health things is skin/ hair picking. I know that it's to do with OCD and stuff but until something I just read i've never really understood the reason I do it (the reason the OCD makes me think or whatever). I was on a site and somebody had described it as "leveling" and that's just so true. I can finally explain it. I think it's something that gets worse when i'm stressed or if I havent shaved for a while and I have that annoying stubble on my legs. At the moment I am both stressed and stubbly so it's happening a lot.
    I've never really thought much about my OCD, i've been more worried about depression but I think that's actually sprouted from the OCD (i've always thought it was the other way). I kinda want to go back to the psychiatrist I saw and talk more about the OCD which i've been realising. I don't know why but I just feel he is a better person to talk to.
    I had to make an appointment with the docs though cos of my weight loss so I may bring it up then.

    I think my depression is improving a bit since the meds and stuff but I think my OCD is coming out more. It's probably because I can see past the depression cloud now rather than because it's actually getting worse but it's still kinda confusing and worrying. I don't want to anger my OCD by trying to stop it because i've come so far and I don't want to slip back.

    I really want to understand my OCD more though cos it's different to how it seems for others. With most of my compulsions I don't do it because i'm worried something bad will happen if I don't and I wouldn't even say I "need" to do it. It's just something I do and can't not do. If I think about it I do it, it's more like a desire than a need I guess. I still get the obsessions and intrusive thoughts etc (which I always thought was depression but seems to fit better with OCD).
    I want to go back to the psychiatrist and get "labled". I know you're not meant to want to be labled and stuff but I want to so I know I have a legitimate reason for having all this pity and therapy etc. If I have a name for what i'm fighting it will be so much easier. I've already been given what was essentially a diagnosis but I want to go again cos I missed things out.

    If I do though my parents may get more worried and things and it may even cost us money, which I don't want to happen cos I don't want to be such a burden.

    I don't even know where i've gone with this but I think the only person I actually feel I can trust with a lot of my feelings and to do the right thing about it is the psychiatrist. I trust my friends obviously, but they can't perscribe things etc and I sorta trust my therapist (to an extent) but just not as much as the psychiatrist and they can't like diagnose me or perscribe me stuff or anything. The psychiatrist was the first person i've ever even considered telling a certian thing to and I think it's right for me to do that. I just feel safer there I guess but I don't want to have to go back and worry my parents or anything. It was a complicated process last time as well and I don't want to go through (or make my family go through) all that again.

    Really don't know if I should see them again??????


    That was longer than i'd expected, and in a totally different direction too. :rolleyes:
    Really a bit of a confused mess at the moment. Maybe things will be clearer tomorrow? I can hope I guess :dontknow:

    Anyway, good night all. Sorry I didn't reply to anybody tonight. I know some of you are/ were having a bit of a hard time so :hugs: for you guys. Hope you're all feeling better tomorrow.
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    Just sent a semi-facetious but entirely true email to my mum about how I'm in an open relationship with and soon moving in with one of my friends who she's never met. Feels weird but at the same time I'm kinda proud that I've told the truth for once, and after all I know she's a very sexually liberated sort of a person...




    ...it also helps that I know she won't be able to read this email for another four days.
    • #1
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Just sent a semi-facetious but entirely true email to my mum about how I'm in an open relationship with and soon moving in with one of my friends who she's never met. Feels weird but at the same time I'm kinda proud that I've told the truth for once, and after all I know she's a very sexually liberated sort of a person...

    ...it also helps that I know she won't be able to read this email for another four days.
    Well done for being honest with her! :clap2: :bee: The bee has no significance, I just thought it was cute when I was looking for an appropriate smiley... :yep:

    Haha, you still told her! When she gets the email is irrelevant.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well done for being honest with her! :clap2: :bee: The bee has no significance, I just thought it was cute when I was looking for an appropriate smiley... :yep:

    Haha, you still told her! When she gets the email is irrelevant.
    Hehe, the bee is sweet. Have a worm. :worm:

    And thanks - I'm not generally very good when it comes to telling my family important personal stuff, so I'm pleased I managed to do it.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Just sent a semi-facetious but entirely true email to my mum about how I'm in an open relationship with and soon moving in with one of my friends who she's never met. Feels weird but at the same time I'm kinda proud that I've told the truth for once, and after all I know she's a very sexually liberated sort of a person...




    ...it also helps that I know she won't be able to read this email for another four days.
    Awesome, well done for being honest, I know it can be difficult with parents. I suppose it helps that the person is pretty cool and I'm sure your mum wouldn't disapprove if she met them.
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    Dissertation still isn't ready to submit today. Sobbing my heart out and hysterically emailing the disability department to see if they can fix it all.
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    Really not having a good day today. My boyfriend managed to trigger me into a panic attack because of something he said a few hours ago.
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    We were talking about fads in school, and I asked him what we would do if our child decided to try some crazy **** like drinking young or something. He came out with "I'd beat it out of him," And I know he was only joking when he said it, but he should know me well enough to know that it's the one thing you never joke about with me. I know he would never ever hurt anyone especially our son, because he is the sweetest and kindest and most loving man I've ever known, and that's probably why he said it because it is the complete opposite of anything he would ever do - irony or something. He just made this joke, he probably regrets saying it, and I can't stop thinking about it now, and it's making me have flashbacks and I'm just sat upstairs in the baby room shaking because I can't get visions of violence and anger and pain out of my head.

    He has gone to work now, and he probably doesn't know that it's hurt me so much because it took a while to really affect me. He's not here, no one is here. I'm so alone and scared.

    I hate that my brother did this to me.
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    managed to sleep last night, woke up once, but fell back asleep again.
    my boyfriend stayed up all night to keep an eye on me over skype. im so glad to have him!


    thanks to everyone last night, i was in an aweful state, and it was scary, but thanks to MHSS i got through it :jumphug:

    gonna chill out today, pack my bag, have a shower, then me and my mum are getting a KFC before we go which will cheer me up a bit. it should be ok when i get there, its just the before i think, but it should be ok.

    thanks again to everyone, especially 08Batee and ScifiRory :hugs:
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    managed to sleep last night, woke up once, but fell back asleep again.
    my boyfriend stayed up all night to keep an eye on me over skype. im so glad to have him!


    thanks to everyone last night, i was in an aweful state, and it was scary, but thanks to MHSS i got through it :jumphug:

    gonna chill out today, pack my bag, have a shower, then me and my mum are getting a KFC before we go which will cheer me up a bit. it should be ok when i get there, its just the before i think, but it should be ok.

    thanks again to everyone, especially 08Batee and ScifiRory :hugs:
    Aw no problems hun :hugs: Glad you managed to get a decent night's sleep, that's always important and can affect your mood a lot :yep: Really good luck and keep us posted if you can! :hugs:
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    (Original post by 08batee)
    Aw no problems hun :hugs: Glad you managed to get a decent night's sleep, that's always important and can affect your mood a lot :yep: Really good luck and keep us posted if you can! :hugs:
    yeah, got to sleep about 1, woke up at 5, but rory was on video still, so i was safe, and i went back to sleep and woke at half 9! just been chilling out today, but need to start getting ready, cant have hairy legs now can i!

    yeah, ill have access to electric, so will be able to sharge my phone, so will be able to get online

    starting to feel tired already though
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    yeah, got to sleep about 1, woke up at 5, but rory was on video still, so i was safe, and i went back to sleep and woke at half 9! just been chilling out today, but need to start getting ready, cant have hairy legs now can i!

    yeah, ill have access to electric, so will be able to sharge my phone, so will be able to get online

    starting to feel tired already though
    That's good hun, Rory is a diamond :yes: Though I'm sure you're equally amazing to him, too, of course! Hairy legs, never a good look! :teehee: :nah:
    Ah, good news you're not totally in the wilderness then - I'd never cope without electricity! I can only imagine my hair would look like some kind of frizzy messy afro without my straighteners
    Sorry to hear that, feeling tired is rubbish I hope it all goes okay for you and you end up having a nice time :hugs:
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    (Original post by 08batee)
    That's good hun, Rory is a diamond :yes: Though I'm sure you're equally amazing to him, too, of course! Hairy legs, never a good look! :teehee: :nah:
    Ah, good news you're not totally in the wilderness then - I'd never cope without electricity! I can only imagine my hair would look like some kind of frizzy messy afro without my straighteners
    Sorry to hear that, feeling tired is rubbish I hope it all goes okay for you and you end up having a nice time :hugs:
    hes a proper diamond, hes far too good to me, he was feeling **** himself last night, but still looked after me
    haha nope, especially as its raining so ill mostly be in shorts as it means less material to get wet
    nope, iv done wilderness camping lots, and it can be nice to get away from the world, but this weekend i need a few home comforts i think :yep:
    i just tie my hair up im a messy bun and it looks stylish its naturally that messy will need to straiten it next week though

    yeah, wont get much sleep this weekend though
    • #18
    #18

    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    hes a proper diamond, hes far too good to me, he was feeling **** himself last night, but still looked after me
    haha nope, especially as its raining so ill mostly be in shorts as it means less material to get wet
    nope, iv done wilderness camping lots, and it can be nice to get away from the world, but this weekend i need a few home comforts i think :yep:
    i just tie my hair up im a messy bun and it looks stylish its naturally that messy will need to straiten it next week though

    yeah, wont get much sleep this weekend though
    Hey, how are you feeling today? Hope you're better!
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    Hope people are doing ok, Im trying not to stress with moving house tomorrow. Just had to take out £500 for deposit and first month's rent :/ gotta clean the house and pack everything today too, moving tomorrow!

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    (Original post by ParadoxSocks)
    Dissertation still isn't ready to submit today. Sobbing my heart out and hysterically emailing the disability department to see if they can fix it all.
    :hugs:
    I hope everything works out, disability departments are usually great when it comes to stuff like this
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Awesome, well done for being honest, I know it can be difficult with parents. I suppose it helps that the person is pretty cool and I'm sure your mum wouldn't disapprove if she met them.
    Being honest goes against every fibre of my being, but I did it somehow. And yeah, I agree.
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    hes a proper diamond, hes far too good to me, he was feeling **** himself last night, but still looked after me
    haha nope, especially as its raining so ill mostly be in shorts as it means less material to get wet
    nope, iv done wilderness camping lots, and it can be nice to get away from the world, but this weekend i need a few home comforts i think :yep:
    i just tie my hair up im a messy bun and it looks stylish its naturally that messy will need to straiten it next week though

    yeah, wont get much sleep this weekend though
    Hope you are feeling better today :hugs: Yeah Rory is a great person from what I've seen here but I wouldn't agree with you saying he is too good for you Hope you have a great time on the trip, you can do this! :yep:

    (Original post by superwolf)
    Being honest goes against every fibre of my being, but I did it somehow. And yeah, I agree.
    Hehe well done for telling them! You are very lucky to have parents who care

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    Just realised something. It's been 4 months since I self harmed in a way that I had been doing on a regular basis for 9 years. Spoiler has a bit more info, it wouldn't be triggering for me but figured I'd give people the option.

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    I achieved this goal by throwing away everything remotely sharp. Have engaged in a couple of acts of 'different' self harm, but nothing so dangerous or physically damaging. I'm going to have a lot of scars for the rest of my life, but I still consider having nothing fresh to be a ****ing achievement. I'm sure stuff will happen and I won't go without it forever, but I hope that any occasions of giving in will be few and far between. Feel like I've achieved this thanks largely to being in CBT for about a year, and hopefully with more time I can get control over more areas of my life.


    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    yeah, got to sleep about 1, woke up at 5, but rory was on video still, so i was safe, and i went back to sleep and woke at half 9! just been chilling out today, but need to start getting ready, cant have hairy legs now can i!
    (Original post by 08batee)
    Ah, good news you're not totally in the wilderness then - I'd never cope without electricity! I can only imagine my hair would look like some kind of frizzy messy afro without my straighteners
    Wow, you guys make me feel like a bit of a failure as a girl. Just so nobody feels bad (), I've only just re-started with hair removal since coming out of severe depression (moderate now ), before then it was au natural all the way. Can't even imagine having the energy for hair straightening, lol.

    (Original post by Sultana)
    x
    Gueeeeess who got lions in the post!?!? I was at work during the day and my mum was like "you've got a.. well, it's not a parcel, it's an envelope, but it's kind of.. squishy?" and I knew. They're so cute, and don't you dare say you have no knitting ability. You also have amazing handwriting, it's like.. the most uniform thing I've seen in my life. Anyway, thank youuuu for being fab, etc. I hope you're doing ok. :jumphug: Am on Skype a lot of the time if you want to talk, just hiding because conversation can be a bit wearing (not with you though mostly with people who want to actually video chat :emo:). ]

    (Original post by Nut.)
    x
    Just cos not quoting you feels wrong. :uberhuggels:

    Love you lots and talk later - I think I have dinner and dog walk coming up soon but will be around by about 7.30/8PM.

    -----

    Day #2 of work complete. Thank **** for weekends. Feeling a bit drained already.

    Also got confirmation email today to say I'm onto the psych course for next year. Getting kind of excited about choosing modules etc. - there's so much chance for specialisation and a lot of it looks seriously cool.
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    hes a proper diamond, hes far too good to me, he was feeling **** himself last night, but still looked after me
    haha nope, especially as its raining so ill mostly be in shorts as it means less material to get wet
    nope, iv done wilderness camping lots, and it can be nice to get away from the world, but this weekend i need a few home comforts i think :yep:
    i just tie my hair up im a messy bun and it looks stylish its naturally that messy will need to straiten it next week though

    yeah, wont get much sleep this weekend though
    I'm glad you've got someone to look after you! :hugs: Yeah, that's understandable, if I was by myself it might be nice to get away from everything, but electricity and the things that come with that are definitely preferable Good plan!! Messy buns can look so good! :coma: Just not when I do them Hope things are okay hun :hugs:
 
 
 
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