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    Need a double appointment with the doctor to talk about meds and all the issues I've been having recently and it's not looking like I'll have one for a good couple of weeks at least. Not sure how much longer I can wait, but it doesn't warrant an emergency either
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    Been put on beta blockers, been taken off queitapine and have had my trazodone increased.

    Kinda annoyed too about my appointment today with the CPN. Turns out that psychiatry want to try and increase my meds to get me to a 'therapeutic level' so that they can put me forward for therapy and most likely group therapy. Yeah...thanks for telling me a year late. I told the CPN that I would point blank refuse group therapy and she answered with 'all 11 of the people in my therapy group right now all said the same- "I don't like people, I avoid people".'

    Good for them, lady, but honestly, I have been ****ed around so much by the NHS that I refuse to potentially waste their time anymore.

    And I know this sounds ungrateful, I know, but I know that group therapy is not for me. I can't open up in front of strangers, I barely opened up to the CPN today. I miss my usual CPN, because he understands me now and I know (and it was my SO who said this first) that my usual CPN would not put me forward for group therapy because he knows how unsociable and how my trust and openness is shot to pieces.

    edit: there was even more that happened, but even writing about this has put me in a serious bad mood.
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    (Original post by Little Popcorns)
    :console: I feel your pain have a really nasty headache today myself
    Hope you feel better now :hugs:

    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Think I've blown it with therapist :cry2:

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    :jumphug: These things take time. But we're all here for you.

    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Meeting up with my old friend today went really well :yep: honestly didn't feel like it was 3 years since I last saw her.

    I think it done me good today to get out for a little while with someone else other than my mum or partner, not meaning that in a bad way or anything, I just feel like sometimes I rely on them a bit too much or use them as a crutch.
    :woo: So glad this went well for you!
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    (Original post by bullettheory)
    Conference on Mental Health being run by young people (including myself) on this weekend in West London. Details here-

    https://www.rethink.org/news-views/2...lth-conference

    Jonny Benjamin and Hussain Manawer are gonna be there!

    Even if you are over 25 or don't live in West London, don't worry, if you can make it - we will be happy to have you!
    Argh, I'm volunteering on Sat and can't get out of it :facepalm: Hope it goes really well though

    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    You're not stupid, therapy is really tough even with robust distress management and not having dissociative symptoms. If the pace needs slowing, it needs slowing. Nobody's fault.
    Idk, the other TLGs are seriously mad at me for stuffing up :cry:

    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Meeting up with my old friend today went really well :yep: honestly didn't feel like it was 3 years since I last saw her.

    I think it done me good today to get out for a little while with someone else other than my mum or partner, not meaning that in a bad way or anything, I just feel like sometimes I rely on them a bit too much or use them as a crutch.
    Well done hun :hugs:

    (Original post by Little Popcorns)
    :hugs:
    Yeah Tara's right therapy is hard work, I'm sure you won't have ruined things and maybe changing the pace is what's needed? Maybe she should be addressing the reasons behind you getting triggered and deal with them/discuss them.

    Thanks it's subsided a little
    Glad it's subsided a bit. She's not suggesting changing pace - she's suggesting stopping altogether. Changing pace would be less drastic and upsetting for me
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    Test tomorrow, Been studying my butt off for the past 3 weeks. Still sure I'm going to fail. :cry2: When I told my wife how much I'm struggling, she suggested that she talk to one of her colleagues who is quite a big guy socially in this town and she said he might be able to get me a semi-decent job. So I guess if I do fail at least there's that backup plan. I can't take a class 4 times.



    (Original post by Noodlzzz)
    Saw CCO who swiftly called in psychiatrist who said she was going to call a mental health act assessment as I told them that the governemnt were putting thoughts in my head (bad things, won't act on them). But compromised and now have to stay at mum's who thinks my schizophrenia is caused by me getting vaccines in one go when I was 18 against her wishes. Better than hospital.
    :hugs: I hope staying with your mum isn't too bad, though after having so much freedom I think for a lot of people it's not a nice experience having to go back there. And yeah, mentioning governments putting thoughts in your head does make people worry - I'm in the same situation, I keep getting these foreign thoughts. Though when I told my last psychiatrist about them and about the fact she was clearly working for the government I got sectioned. I don't know how these people expect people to be honest with them if their first thought is always sectioning. But glad to hear you avoided hospital at least.
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    May be triggering
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I was too scared to go to bed for a while. I have to walk past the front door to get to the stairs. I was stood just out of view of it for ages. I felt frozen. I was hiding from someone. I am so scared that I will take that step into the hallway and someone will shoot through the door. Where would someone get a gun? I don't know. It just feels like there is someone there, and I can see it happening in my head. I don't want this to be a thing again. I haven't worried about this since not long after starting medication. Last time I was terrified to be near windows unless it was daytime and I could clearly see out of them and prove to myself that no one was there. Even in daytime, I couldn't use the downstairs bathroom because the window was centimetres behind my head. Someone would be able to see me, but not me them. The last few times I used it I'd be sat there and I could feel someone's presence and I could see bad things happening in my head. I'm aware this probably sounds very niave, but is there any chance this is normal and relatively healthy? Do other people have this too? Friends in the past have told me it's nothing to worry about but this is scary. It doesn't feel right. I don't want to end up stuck downstairs hiding in a corner again until dawn breaks so I can finally go to bed. I don't want to go back to getting UTIs because I was too scared to go to the toilet and held off for hours. The more I type, the more I realise I need help. It's so strange, I'd completely lost this chunk of my life and blocked it out. It only started coming back as my other symptoms did. I completely blocked out my previous issues with food and everything. I'm doing ok with that so far. I've had thoughts but I've been ok. I don't really know what I want from this post. I guess I needed to vent.
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    Gonna spoiler for rants, posible triggering stuff.
    Feeling realllly ****.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    sat here crying at 4am. Im so tired, both physically and mentally. Im just done. I feel so **** about myself, about what people are saying about me, about where my life is, and my memories.

    All my time hop is about how i was eather getting ready to graduate or getting ready to move into my flat after uni with my then boyfriend. How the **** has my life got here. I feel like iv lost everything. I went through a month of sobbing, and then had a few months where my life has been so busy i think iv just forgot how to almost feel, and now its just all coming out.

    I dont even care if certain people see this anymore. Im literally still heartbroken iv gone from having everything to having nothing. I still dont have answers, i still dont know why. My brain has so many possibilities of what happened, and none are good.

    How am i meant to work all weekend when im feeling like this. I dont even know if i want to be safe any more. I just dont know.
    I dont even know what im typing. My ipads covered in tears and i dont even know if i can sleep. I just....



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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Test tomorrow, Been studying my butt off for the past 3 weeks. Still sure I'm going to fail. :cry2: When I told my wife how much I'm struggling, she suggested that she talk to one of her colleagues who is quite a big guy socially in this town and she said he might be able to get me a semi-decent job. So I guess if I do fail at least there's that backup plan. I can't take a class 4 times.




    :hugs: I hope staying with your mum isn't too bad, though after having so much freedom I think for a lot of people it's not a nice experience having to go back there. And yeah, mentioning governments putting thoughts in your head does make people worry - I'm in the same situation, I keep getting these foreign thoughts. Though when I told my last psychiatrist about them and about the fact she was clearly working for the government I got sectioned. I don't know how these people expect people to be honest with them if their first thought is always sectioning. But glad to hear you avoided hospital at least.
    I hope the test goes ok. Glad to hear you've got a back up.

    I totally know what you mean about constantly fearing section if you mention too much to them. I'm now on above the highest dose suggested for amisulrpide. If it doesn't help in the next week I have to go to hospital and start clozapine again ffs.
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    (Original post by Noodlzzz)
    I hope the test goes ok. Glad to hear you've got a back up.

    I totally know what you mean about constantly fearing section if you mention too much to them. I'm now on above the highest dose suggested for amisulrpide. If it doesn't help in the next week I have to go to hospital and start clozapine again ffs.
    I've had my pip refused without even getting an assessment, because i said i wasn't going to go to Leicester for 10.40 am, without directions, when i live in Derby. My cpn says every other one of his patients have had it done in Derby, so why do they have to put mine over an hour away on the bus, in Jesus' name!?? Plus the first time they cancelled it not me, and now i have been told that i'm not eligible for any more tries! God.
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    (Original post by john2054)
    I've had my pip refused without even getting an assessment, because i said i wasn't going to go to Leicester for 10.40 am, without directions, when i live in Derby. My cpn says every other one of his patients have had it done in Derby, so why do they have to put mine over an hour away on the bus, in Jesus' name!?? Plus the first time they cancelled it not me, and now i have been told that i'm not eligible for any more tries! God.
    Could you get your CPN to go with you maybe?
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    (Original post by Noodlzzz)
    Could you get your CPN to go with you maybe?
    No they have cancelled my claim. I have to put in a new claim now. Also my cpn has said he doesn't want to go with me. I will have my wife come, if they let me start again?
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Glad it's subsided a bit. She's not suggesting changing pace - she's suggesting stopping altogether. Changing pace would be less drastic and upsetting for me
    Might be worth suggesting that if she gets all serious about stopping the sessions altogether?

    (Original post by Airmed)
    Hope you feel better now :hugs:
    You too! :hugs:
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    Professor sent out the mark scheme for my exam this morning. I'm almost certain I haven't got the 75% I need. What kind of ****ing idiot fails a class 3 times? :banghead:




    ETA: I got 60%. I'm such a ****ing loser. That was my best effort and all I got was just one mark from an F. Pathetic. He probably gave me a pity mark or something. Not allowed to share what's been happening since I found that out but I feel so bad. :cry2:
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    I've decided to start a blog :woo: I think it'll be a good tool for me, because I like being productive and if I write about something, it helps me to understand it better. It's nice to look forward to something like this
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    The single thing that helps me most when trying to deal with the voices is just talking to someone. Out-loud, face to face. Earlier today I needed that but my spouse just played the DS while lying next to me. How do I tell her that I just want to talk? I don't care if we talk about why one of the cats has poop on his butt, or the founding principles of Mormonism, I don't care. But she doesn't get this, I can't get her to say anything other than answering me, and really that is not what I need. I've tried to explain "please talk to me" but she doesn't and I don't understand why not. Is it really that weird that conversation helps me and I need to talk? How can I get her to do this? I don't have anyone I can call or talk to out-loud except her but she doesn't get it. :cry2:


    Used Excel to work out classwork & exam weightings and hence what I need to get on the final class exam and final lab exam to get a C. I need 77% in each. :nothing: So only what I've never managed to get anywhere near in the 3 times I've done this class - fantastic! This is after spending a huge number of hours over the past 3 weeks studying for today's test; more revision than I've done for anything in many years - I even cut down my TSR a fair amount and still did awfully.
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    Had my appointment with the CPN.

    At best it was a farce, went in was seen for all of 15 minutes and basically told as I wasn't nervous around her, I was intelligent and clear spoken then I don't have depression and referred me back to occupational therapy.

    Only I have been referred to occupational therapy twice before and both times tod they can't help me!
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    Had my appointment with the CPN.

    At best it was a farce, went in was seen for all of 15 minutes and basically told as I wasn't nervous around her, I was intelligent and clear spoken then I don't have depression and referred me back to occupational therapy.

    Only I have been referred to occupational therapy twice before and both times tod they can't help me!
    What the hell.

    I would complain. Just because you may function as a human being, that does not mean that everything is fine. For all the CPN could know, you might have high functioning depression! It makes me really angry to hear this.
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    I'll do a proper post on it next week, but if I run an MHSS secret santa would anyone be interested? The person that used to do them has left now unfortunately but it was really good! The limit would be about £5 so not to exclude people and I'll obviously keep addresses etc completely anonymous other than the person sending them. Let me know either way anyway just so I have an idea of whether people think it's worth doing or not

    Hope everyone's okay!
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    (Original post by furryface12)
    I'll do a proper post on it next week, but if I run an MHSS secret santa would anyone be interested? The person that used to do them has left now unfortunately but it was really good! The limit would be about £5 so not to exclude people and I'll obviously keep addresses etc completely anonymous other than the person sending them. Let me know either way anyway just so I have an idea of whether people think it's worth doing or not

    Hope everyone's okay!
    That's such a lovely idea! I'd definitely be up for it. Also happy to help with any planning or promoting or anything if you need it

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    (Original post by furryface12)
    I'll do a proper post on it next week, but if I run an MHSS secret santa would anyone be interested? The person that used to do them has left now unfortunately but it was really good! The limit would be about £5 so not to exclude people and I'll obviously keep addresses etc completely anonymous other than the person sending them. Let me know either way anyway just so I have an idea of whether people think it's worth doing or not

    Hope everyone's okay!
    In
 
 
 
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