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How to end a long term, long distance relationship with someone infatuated with you? Watch


    Yep, you just ignore them and they'll go away. It's great really because it's not like you'll see them all the time.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello TSR, wanting to keep it short and not hurl a massive essay at people out there, I want to outline my problem in bullet points. I would massively appreciate some help, maybe even from people who have had a similar experience before, because I feel completely trapped

    The background:
    - First relationship.
    - Been in a long term relationship for almost 4 years now.
    - It's been long distance since June 2009 (we're on opposite ends of the world) but we are supposed to be in the same country from next year.
    - Over the past year I've lost interest, but tried to force myself to recoup my feelings for her (didn't work).
    - For the past half a year it's become more and more clear to me that I want to end this relationship. Still tried to force myself to reciprocate her feelings for me, which as I said didn't and doesn't work.
    - All this has nothing to do with other girls/love interest/wanting to shag people. I'm unhappy in my relationship and feel almost suffocated by it, and it almost feels like a chore to keep her happy and the only real reason I'm in it is to keep her happy, as I still care about her. I don't love her anymore though, which I've been (successfully) hiding for a long time now.

    The problem:
    - I want to break up with her. I don't want to keep having to pretend I'm happy with our relationship, that's not fair on her or me.
    - She is completely obsessed with me, infatuated even. She suspects absolutely nothing and seems to genuinely believe that our relationship would never end. I don't think she would ever even think about breaking up with me, at least not anywhere in the near future.
    - She is looking forward to our 4 year anniversary like nothing else (early next year), and she seems completely oblivious that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. She might have a very slight idea, but it's definitely not anywhere near as serious as I'm contemplating ending the relationship...
    - As crazy or ridiculous as this may sound, I'm actually worried she would fall into massive depression if I broke up with her (she is extremely emotional and has had to take medication for depression before) and that she would harm herself and never be happy again

    Some other issues:
    - Until I see her in person next year, the only way to be in touch with her is Email, because of the time difference
    - I know breaking up my email or sms or such is really weak. But would it genuinely be better if I waited for her to get back, and tell her I'm breaking up shortly before or after our 4 year anniversary?

    So, that's my problem I'm in a long term, long distance relationship i don't want to be in, with someone who is completely obsessed with me and who I'm not sure would recover any time soon were I to break up with her... It feels like if I broke up with her, I would be some sort of wolf eating up red riding hood, and I don't want to ruin someone's life at the same time I can't keep lying to myself and her, pretending that everything is fine...

    Does anyone have any tips on how to tackle this? The only thing I know for sure is that it can't stay this way

    PS: turned out to be longer post than I planned, sorry about that =/
    I had to recently end a long distance relationship. He lives in America, I live in the UK. I found my feelings were slowly dying off because we have only seen each other for 4 days in the span of 10 months (which is how long it lasted) and I wouldn't have seen him again until next June, which is almost 6 months.
    I know he loved me, because he drove 12 hours one way and spent a $1000 on taking the trip to meet my parents and I. He was also planning to put 50% + into my plane ticket there next year, and he had a lot planned.
    I couldn't do it, I felt at the age of 18, I was not mentally strong enough to not see someone I cared about for so long.

    I did it on msn. Then we skyped. I just told him I was so sorry, but I couldn't do it anymore. Naturally he was heartbroken, which I am sorry about. But I suggest you give her some prior warning, to kind of ready herself for when (and IF) it happens. But don't be in it if you don't love them anymore. You will start resenting them.

    If you are adamant you don't want to get back with her, then don't plant any seeds of hope akin to that in her mind. She might think it is a possibility initially, but once the fact sets in, it'll be difficult to accept at first, but after some time, it'll just be accepted. I told my ex the only way we would ever get back together is if we were in the same country, single, and living VERY VERY close to each other. Both of us knew the possibility of that happening (Nil) so he has come to terms with it on that basis.

    Chin up, both of you will move on . Yes, 4 years is a long time, but you're both young (I'm assuming). I was worried about whether I would find anyone else who would love me as much as my now-ex does, but I figured I'm young, the world is my oyster, it'll all be fine. We were both each other's first loves, but we'll always be friends and have each other in each other's lives like that.

    I found with my LDR that there was an imbalance of sort: Emotionally, we were WAY way way ahead, we were fantastic. But physically? We were very very behind. That was another contributing factor to why it ended.

    Doing it via email might seem very cold and as if you didn't care.
    Long distance relationships are incredibly painful. I know what you're going through.

    Tell her its over using any means of communication. Change identity. If she finds you and confronts you in person act as if you have no idea who she is.

    This will confuse her enough to leave you alone.
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Updated: December 8, 2010
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