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Just shyness, or do I have a problem?

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You sound 100% like me. Not exaggerating, I've just started uni this year aswell and thought I would naturally change but apparently not. I also sometimes don't mind being alone. Not really got anything to help, but just wanted to let you know there's other people like you :smile:

I'm male btw

Same. I think the reason why I hated uni for the first week is because I expected too much. That I would suddenly change into some wild, popular party animal.

But now I've realised that I'm fine by myself and accept my introvert-ness.

Reply 21

JonAM

Original post by Anonymous

So I've always been shy - all of my school reports say 'quiet' 'needs to participate is discussions more' etc etc. I always thought it would get better as I got older.

But now I'm at uni and it seems no better. A 'shy' friend of mine has become so unbelievably confident since coming to uni - she goes out most nights and is now so much more animated. I, however, stay in my room every night and haven't really made any friends.

I know shy people usually say that they find it hard to speak to 'strangers', but become more confident once they get to know people more. I don't really find this, though. I feel more confident talking to a complete stranger than I do speaking to people I've known for a while (though in such situations these 'strangers' eg; in a volunteering report, or friends of parents etc, say that I do seem 'very shy', despite me feeling that I am behaving much more confidently than usual).

When I am around pretty much everyone, I feel incredibly awkward and I can never think of anything at all to say, and am constantly thinking how boring I must seem. I literally only feel 'myself' with 4 people - my mum, dad, nan and best friend (though even with them I can only ever show 'positive emotions' - I never allow myself to show negative emotions like getting angry, or telling people when I am upset etc). If you asked anyone who knows me to describe my emotions they'd tell you I was pretty level - never overly happy/enthusiastic and never sad or angry - despite the fact I may feel this inside, I can never show it.

I say I feel lonely, and everyone says 'so go out and meet people and make friends', though I consciously avoid going out to social situations. Even though I'm lonely and I don't like it, I'd still rather be in my room by myself than going out with people I 'half-know'. And - this feels terrible - there's a few people I'd call my friends, though I still feel to awkward around them to even walk back from a class with them - I'd much rather walk by myself than have to try to be interesting or make conversation....I'm worried I'll never 'meet anyone', as I've never had a boyfriend and haven't made any 'proper' friends (meaning those I am myself with) since primary school.

In a similar respect, I cannot open up to anyone when speaking directly to them. I can only ever say how I am feeling about anything if I write it down or email them, etc. I basically avoid commenting on my feelings - I don't know why - it just feels as though I shouldn't be feeling certain ways sometimes, and that it's embarrassing or a nuisance.

Basically, what I am getting at is, do you think I am just 'shy', or do you think that there could be a more psychological explanation for my rubbishly-awkward socialness? And does anyone else out there feel the same as me?

I know other people have said the same but I am in exactly the same position, I don't drink and have been wondering if taking that up would help, although I'd feel like a failure for not sticking to my principals :frown:

I wish I'd joined more clubs when uni started cos all the ones I joined require running which I can't do for a few months. Came on here to post the same question so I hope you get an answer. Dreading next term already and my parents are sick of hearing me go on about it :tongue:

if you ever want to talk about it feel free to message me, as I intend to spend the next few weeks trying to come up with ideas for next term.

Reply 22

HistoryRepeating

You shouldnt have to accept being this way.

There is 'shyness' and there is actively avoiding any social contact and being pathologically unable to express your true feelings to others.

Its definitely unhealthy and unnatural to do the latter, and if you don't want to be that way (and, for your mental health, you really shouldn't), then you should speak to a counsellor or your GP about getting help. There are specialists who will teach you techniques to overcome your shyness and teach you how to enjoy social contact and not freeze up in group situations.

I will get heavily negged by the ultra-introvert and proud "i have friends online - I dont need real life" crowd now :smile:

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 23

py0alb

Some people seem to think that you just suddenly arrive at having a large group of close friends by magic. You don't: you have to work at it like you have to work at everything else. You have to go out and socialise when you don't feel like it, when you don't know anyone, when you'd rather stay in your room by yourself. And yes, it's cringingly awkward and uncomfortable and takes us out of our comfort zone, but if you don't do it you will never have any friends and you will be miserable for ever. Nobody is any different, we all have to grit our teeth and get on with it, and every time you change unis/jobs or move to a new city you have to do it all over again from scratch, and each time its a little easier, to the point where I actually positively look forward to it nowadays. You just have to take a deep breath, fix a grin, and go out and be friendly for a few hours with the assistance of a few drinks; after all, the whole reason alcohol was invented was to make this nauseating process bearable. I've chaperoned people through this process before, and going to the doctor will only help so much; the fundamental thing is that you have to go out and socialise at some point.

Reply 24

Anonymous #6

i feel a little like that too. i'm still at school (sixth form) but i feel really awkward and self-concious and i dislike talking about myself to otehr people because i always feel embarrassed. ('why would they care what i have to say?')

i'm working on trying to get over it. like i've started getting a little more involved around my school and it has helped a little bit.

there are some people who i can talk to and i feel fine (though they wuld still probably call me shy and quiet) but others i can't talk to at all or look in the eye.
i don't really know why i'm fine with others but not fine with some people - it's really weird because there isn't really a connection connecting everyone in the two 'groups'..

i hate it how on school reports they grade you on how much you speak up infront of the class.
my dad got really angry about it because i get good grade and everything, but my 'class discussion' grades are always really low - but thats just the way i am, quiet.
to be honest i don't think being shy/quiet is anything that should be worried about. although, if you CAN HONESTLY SAY you completely want to change - then it's only you who cn do something about it - step-by-step.

also, i think labelling shyness as 'social anxiety disorder' etc is wrong. shyness isn't a disorder, it's a personality trait...