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    My friend died last week. Her star sign was cancer so I guess it was kind of ironic how she died...

    She got eaten by a giant crab :sad:
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    Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
    Because he couldn't concentrate.

    Sue me.
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    This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

    Tea is for mugs.

    I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

    A man walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?" The man replies, "I'm severely deformed."

    I raised the alarm at work today. The midgets were furious.
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    If my rape alarm doesn't work... I'm ****ed.
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    Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed with him?

    Because he was afraid of having nightmares!!
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    Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?




    So you can keep your **** in its mouth for longer.
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    Stevie Wonder: "I may be blind, but at least I'm not black"
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    We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

    We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
    Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
    Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

    Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

    As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
    Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
    She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered "Baaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock.
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    Once apon a time there was this kid who only could say "yes" and when he went to school a bunch of guys would come up to him and ask "do u want us to punch u?" so the kid said "yes" and they beat him up this happened another time until he was so beaten up that he had to go to the doctor and to which the doctor said "start saying no".
    The next day the kid came to school and the guys showed up again and asked "have u had enough beating?" and he replied "no"....


    I hope no one takes offense or anythin this was a joke that used to be told at my school when I was like 10 yrs old.
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    I'm currently setting up a brothel that specialises in Jewish prostitutes. I'm thinking of calling it 'The Gash Chamber'.
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    I was having the best stag party ever.



    Until they shot Bambi's mother.
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      (Original post by Laurie57)
      We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

      We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
      Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
      Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

      Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

      As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
      Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
      She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered "Baaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock.
      :sexface: I was turned on whilst reading that.

      Then I read the last line.
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      Joke 1

      A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him, he rolls over and starts to sob because he knows his marriage is in shambles.

      Joke 2

      A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

      Joke 3

      A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

      Joke 4

      Your mother is so morbidly obese that she is at great risk for heart disease.

      Joke 5

      Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

      Joke 6

      Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

      Joke 7

      Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

      Joke 8

      Why did the deer cross the road? So it could stand in the middle of the ****ing road and kill my dad in a crash when I was 15. (RIP Kevin)

      Joke 9

      Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

      Joke 10

      Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

      Joke 11

      Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

      Joke 12

      A nun is on a plane, escorting a trained chimpanzee to an orphanage. After some time, the chimp won't sit still. The nun notices it's because of a man smoking a big cigar, and the smoke is going right in the chimps face. The nun asks him nicely to throw out the cigar, but he refuses. She pleads with him but the man refuses, and a heated argument starts. Finally, a stewardess shows up and demands he throw the cigar out. The man yells, "Fine, for heaven sakes!". He throws the cigar out of the window and the plane falls and crashes. They all die.

      Joke 13

      You: Have you heard that joke about no and me neither?
      Them; No.
      You: Me neither.

      Joke 14

      Knock knock?
      Who's there?
      To.
      To who?
      To whom.

      Joke 15

      What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

      Joke 16

      Whats worse than the Holocaust? 6 million Jews.

      Joke 17

      How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? He doesn't, he's dead.

      Joke 18

      What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

      Joke 19

      Two bears are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other - "I'm gonna f**k you in the ass".

      Joke 20

      What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer.

      Joke 21

      What's the difference between a lamp post and a cat? Motorcycles don't have doors!

      Joke 22

      What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

      Joke 23

      Why didn't Jimmy drive the tractor? Because he had no legs. Why didn't he have any legs? Because he was a potato.

      Joke 24

      What did the asian say to the black guy? "Hello"

      Joke 25

      Two whales are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says "Oooouuuuuuueueeeeeouuuoooeoeiie iiooaoaaaoaoeiieuaoaoooeeieeeeua iaaaauuuuoooaaiiiiaiaaaaoooiiiio o!" The other responds, "You must be really drunk."

      Joke 26

      What's the worst thing about two black guys getting hit by a car? They were my friends.

      Joke 27

      Guy 1: Last night I saved a girl from getting raped at the bar!
      Guy 2: Really! How?
      Guy 1: I changed my mind!

      Joke 28

      You have beautiful eyes -- THEY'D LOOK BETTER ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR.

      Joke 29

      Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

      Joke 30

      Two guys were walking down the street, when one of guy said to the other, "I'm hungry, let's eat." The other guy (he was bald) said, "OK."

      Joke 31

      Why do women drink Diet Coke and wear make-up? Because they're fat and ugly.

      Joke 32

      A black man, an Asian man, and a Jewish man walk into a bar. What a fine example of a diverse and integrated community.

      Joke 33

      Knock, knock.
      Who's there?
      Royal Mail, sign for this please.

      Joke 34

      What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot.

      Joke 35

      A man decides he's going to build a big brick barbecue grill for his backyard. He decides to go buy the materials, but his wife says, "You'll buy too much junk and we'll have leftover junk littering our back yard!" So he promises he'll use every piece.
      He buys the materials, builds the grill, and it's beautiful. But he winds up with one brick leftover. Afraid his wife will be angry, and not knowing what to do with it, he throws the brick into the air.
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      This is not really a joke but it's something funny I got off my mother.

      An oxymoron is usually defined as "a phrase in which two words that have contradictory meaning are brought together"...


      1) Clearly misunderstood

      2) Exact Estimate

      3) Small Crowd

      4) Act Naturally

      5) Found Missing

      6) Fully Empty

      7) Pretty ugly

      8) Seriously funny

      9) Only choice

      10) Original copies

      And........

      11) Happily Married
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      (Original post by loonyplatypus)
      My friend died last week. Her star sign was cancer so I guess it was kind of ironic how she died...

      She got eaten by a giant crab :sad:
      Bo Burnham :shifty:
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      What's worse than a porcupine in a balloon factory?





      A cot death.
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      A neutron walks into a bar. He askes the bartender how much it costs for a drink. The bartender replies "For you? No charge." :cool:
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      Here's one I heard recently that I like though it is a touch sexist...

      A man, his wife and his friend who well call John we eating in a restaurant. Another woman sees the man and comes over, smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

      The wife says, 'Who's that?'

      The man replies, 'That's my mistress.'

      The wife, furious, says 'I can't believe you'd cheat on me! We're getting a divorce!'

      To which the man replies, 'Fine. But if we do then you'll live in a smaller falt, you won't have the money to go out so much, or buy lots of dresses, or go on holiday so often...'

      For a minute there's an awkward silence. Then another woman comes in, smiles and kisses John on the cheek.

      The wife asks, 'Who's that?'

      The husband says, 'That's John's mistress.'

      The wife then says, 'Ours is prettier'.
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      So Leslie Nielson died in hospital the other week. Which is a big building with lots of patients, but that's not important.
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      God challenges Jesus and the devil to a computer challenge. They both have to complete a load of documents. Whilst they are typing, God decides to mix things up and sends a lightning bolt to their electricity supply, causing a power cut. They get the power back up and start over again. After a few minutes Jesus hands a bunch of print outs to God. The devil says HOW DID YOU DO THAT?! God replies, 'Simple. Jesus saves.'
     
     
     
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