did you mean to say "note"???(Original post by Sir_Vile_Minds)
I did try and re-read each paragraph. Clearly mussid out the smalled typo. As people said though, it sounds like the protagonist is a mermaid.
Please note: I did see the typos in this message but choose note to edit
The Chair. Short story by me Watch
- 17-12-2010 16:30
- Thread Starter
- 17-12-2010 18:02
(Original post by a daedalus)
- 17-12-2010 20:34
I mean it's a surprisingly good start, in a sense, most writing done by anybody under 25 is terrible.
The OP's is just nonsense, and LOLCHAIR was completely and rather serendipitously appropriate.
- 18-12-2010 17:25
- 18-12-2010 21:38
I started reading and I have a few comments:
Nitpicky things... why are there clean torture instruments on a dirty sheet?
I know this has already been mentioned but there is one particularly irritating grammatical error I can't ignore. You say 'it’s contents'. It's its. But then, that's me being pedantic.
Um... you have a very interesting concept.
While I was reading I noticed the motivations of the sadist aren't really explained but you don't make me want to know her motivations. You're telling and not showing. You could have given us an idea of her inner thoughts because right now it seems like it's missing *something*. It's a bit newspaper headline-y 'Newsflash:Person tortures other person'. We don't know why, apart from for sexual gratification. My issue is that there's nothing especially interesting about us 'watching' someone torturing someone else. There needs to be something more to this to make the reader invest in the story. Onto a similar point, the twist at the end with the sadist being a woman didn't really have any sort of effect because there wasn't really a sense of character to begin with. The torturer could be anyone. There are quite a few awkward phrases, and as a result the story is a bit hard to read. Gratituous torture only works in films like Saw (and even then it's debatable if it actually works). I think this has the potential to be a good piece, you just need to show the emotions of the sadist and/or victim and make us feel the tension. Think Misery by Stephen King, the scene where Annie Wilkes tortures the writer is terrifying.
Hope this isn't too harsh. This is a very interesting story, I just didn't really get anything from it.Last edited by diamonddust; 18-12-2010 at 21:39.