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Mixed feelings about my boyfriend of 9 months Watch

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    (Original post by Roo Bix)
    Do you honestly believe that a guy needs no encouragement in order to divulge his feelings? Wouldn't the best thing to have done is set him straight 6 weeks in and not 9 months later? Let alone keep stringing him along for longer according to your logic.
    I don't really see what you're getting at by that? Some people have verbal diarrhoea when it comes to telling people how they feel to be quite honest. Make them feel comfortable, and boom! It all comes flooding out.

    I really don't think the OP is just stringing him along. It's clear that she does love him, but why is it so unreasonable for her to be scared by the prospect of being married to him? :K: Marriage and ''being together forever'' is such a huge thing. Part of me is thinking ''does he really mean it, or is he just saying it for effect?''

    People don't love each other in the exact same amounts. Love and feelings grow over time (or shrivels up and fades away), if she wasn't ready to say ''I love you too'' after 6 weeks, I don't think that's really reason to dump him.
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    It doesn't sound like you know him much better than he knows you.
    Try asking him to do something you like to do, get that "feeling"? :confused:
    Otherwise it could really hurt these types of guys that opened up to you. =]
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Maybe...but we keep in touch a lot and we do live together so it'd be awakrd if we broke up. Anyway I love living with him together in a house, next year though he's doing a year out whilst I'm at uni so that'll be the true test I guess.
    You missed my point completely. I was referring to the posts from other people. Sorry, I should have made it clearer. I don't think you should break up at all, as that clearly isn't what you want. As I mentioned before I'm in a similar situation, I'm living with my bf and I'm also taking doing a sandwich year next year. I don't think we'll break up but I think it will strain the relationship. We'll have to see.
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    (Original post by Sakura-Chan)
    I don't really see what you're getting at by that? Some people have verbal diarrhoea when it comes to telling people how they feel to be quite honest. Make them feel comfortable, and boom! It all comes flooding out.

    I really don't think the OP is just stringing him along. It's clear that she does love him, but why is it so unreasonable for her to be scared by the prospect of being married to him? :K: Marriage and ''being together forever'' is such a huge thing. Part of me is thinking ''does he really mean it, or is he just saying it for effect?''

    People don't love each other in the exact same amounts. Love and feelings grow over time (or shrivels up and fades away), if she wasn't ready to say ''I love you too'' after 6 weeks, I don't think that's really reason to dump him.
    Verbal diarrhea is something I acknowledge when I say that. But even verbal diarrhea needs 'some' stimuli for it to take place, unless of course, the person in question is influenced by a mental health condition to divulge their feelings without the need for stimuli.

    And marriage is a big proposal, no doubt. But this isn't about marriage really. This about the preservation of someone's feelings. They (the guy) feels one way, and the OP doesn't feel mutual. So it's simply a case of bad ethic to continue the relationship.

    Of course, talking it through could help straighten things out, though you are playing with fire; she's had months to tell him, you're looking at a situation for the guy in which he will become judgmental on whether the times they shared together were legitimate, if she said things and meant them - these are just a few examples.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I feel guilty like maybe I'm stringing him along but he scared me 6 weeks into our relationship when he told me he loved me and since then he's basically told me he'd like to spend the rest of our lives together.
    He was obviously desperate for a blowjob.
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    (Original post by Roo Bix)
    Verbal diarrhea is something I acknowledge when I say that. But even verbal diarrhea needs 'some' stimuli for it to take place, unless of course, the person in question is influenced by a mental health condition to divulge their feelings without the need for stimuli.
    My point being, it doesn't take a lot for some people. Having a nice time with a nice girl doesn't mean you have to blurt out all this stuff about being with her forever.

    And marriage is a big proposal, no doubt. But this isn't about marriage really. This about the preservation of someone's feelings. They (the guy) feels one way, and the OP doesn't feel mutual. So it's simply a case of bad ethic to continue the relationship.
    But the being together forever/marriage seems like the main point, unless I've read everything wrong. It's not that she doesn't love him back or want to be with him.

    I do agree, and I said before, that she needs to tell him how she feels. But it in no way makes her a horrible person for not being able to say she wants to be with him for ever too :lolwut:

    If, in your opinion, he needs to be set free to find a like minded woman who won't mind the fact that he's rambling on about some pretty heavy things, he'll probably be looking a loooooong time.

    Everything she's said makes him sound really overbearing.
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    (Original post by Sakura-Chan)
    My point being, it doesn't take a lot for some people. Having a nice time with a nice girl doesn't mean you have to blurt out all this stuff about being with her forever.



    But the being together forever/marriage seems like the main point, unless I've read everything wrong. It's not that she doesn't love him back or want to be with him.

    I do agree, and I said before, that she needs to tell him how she feels. But it in no way makes her a horrible person for not being able to say she wants to be with him for ever too :lolwut:

    If, in your opinion, he needs to be set free to find a like minded woman who won't mind the fact that he's rambling on about some pretty heavy things, he'll probably be looking a loooooong time.

    Everything she's said makes him sound really overbearing.
    If this guy does, evidently, happen to be a person that becomes very attached easily, then it makes it even more important to acknowledge this sooner rather than later. I guess this is where is comes down to perception. But you can't dilute:

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my friend from halls started dating 9 months ago...

    ..deep down I know he's not The One.

    I feel guilty like maybe I'm stringing him along..

    My feelings change for him all the time. At uni and in our house I spend most of my time with him but back home with friends I don't think about him so much and feel a lot less sure of our relationship when we're not physically together.
    I don't believe the OP is a horrible person, confused yes. But continuing a relationship when the OP composes the above? That would be horrible.
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    (Original post by Roo Bix)
    Do you honestly believe that a guy needs no encouragement in order to divulge his feelings? Wouldn't the best thing to have done is set him straight 6 weeks in and not 9 months later? Let alone keep stringing him along for longer according to your logic.
    Love how you dont even consider the ridiculousness of the OPs bf saying he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her after 6 weeks.

    The guy sounds very immature, i'd end it and let him glue himself to someone else.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my friend from halls started dating 9 months ago and currently live in the same house in our uni city. I really enjoy seeing him all the time and love being with him but deep down I know he's not The One. I feel guilty like maybe I'm stringing him along but he scared me 6 weeks into our relationship when he told me he loved me and since then he's basically told me he'd like to spend the rest of our lives together.
    From the start I've felt this guilt regarding him as I don't think I'd like to be with him forever (though I would love to want to, he is such an amazing guy but can't force myself to marry a guy I'm not 100% sure over).

    My feelings change for him all the time. At uni and in our house I spend most of my time with him but back home with friends I don't think about him so much and feel a lot less sure of our relationship when we're not physically together.

    I'm 19yo if that helps. Please don't tell me to dump him or that I'm a bad girlfriend because for now I really enjoy living with him but have always felt guilty that his feelings are always much stronger than mine. What do you suggest?
    Doing the ILY too fast = Total relationship killer!
    Does he know you don't like him as much as he likes you? If he knows that (not because you tell him outright, but he must have an idea as to whether you do/do not reciprocate his feelings of marriage and such) and he still wants to be with you then its all good.

    If he thinks you're on the same wavelength as him, then there's quite a problem, and it seems unfair on him. Your still young though, he may feel like this now, but is capable of moving on.
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    (Original post by Astra_K)
    Love how you dont even consider the ridiculousness of the OPs bf saying he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her after 6 weeks.

    The guy sounds very immature, i'd end it and let him glue himself to someone else.
    Questionable, yes, ridiculous, why? Because you say it is? For all we know, OP might have made a significant impact on his life in those six weeks, and his feelings developed much faster than conventionally.

    Love is only bound by the social rules you make applicable to it. That's not to say I don't personally think it's a bit odd. Though, this isn't really about that. This is about the situation now, in where he feels one way and she doesn't.
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    (Original post by Roo Bix)
    Questionable, yes, ridiculous, why? Because you say it is? For all we know, OP might have made a significant impact on his life in those six weeks, and his feelings developed much faster than conventionally.

    Love is only bound by the social rules you make applicable to it. That's not to say I don't personally think it's a bit odd. Though, this isn't really about that. This is about the situation now, in where he feels one way and she doesn't.
    The fact is in 6 weeks there is no way you can know someone well enough to make such a ridiculous statement, i want to spend my life with you...
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    (Original post by Astra_K)
    The fact is in 6 weeks there is no way you can know someone well enough to make such a ridiculous statement, i want to spend my life with you...
    It's a fact because Astra says it is, hurrah! :banana:
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    This sounds like my story, I could have written this a year ago! I thought that there was something wrong with me because I rarely missed him. When I was with my friends or doing my schoolwork I never felt that I missed him that much. Of course sometimes I wanted to talk especially to him on a phone but he still missed me a lot more. Always calling or texting, saying how bad it feels when he can't sleep next to me or see me smiling. Back then I felt like a cold ***** but now I think that I'm just more independent. I don't like to cling on other people. And maybe I would have missed him but he made sure that we talk to each other very very often. I never had a chance to feel lonely.

    I got really scared when he said that he loves me and it didn't take that long for him to start talk about our future. Nothing freaks me out more than marriage and especially kids. Our relationship was only a few months old and he talked like we had been together for many years. I had fun and really enjoyed his company until he started to talk about our future. At that point I thought that I couldn't ever marry him. In reality we were so different. I never thought about these things so it wasn't that I lead him on. I really enjoyed his company but he was really lazy, hated rules (especially social ones), had no ambition, was quite naive and immature. I couldn't ever think about marrying someone like that because he is complete opposite of me.

    I had an image in my head where I came from work in the evening and he, as unemployed because he doesn't want to work for anyone who sets rules for him, just sits naked on a couch around huge mess which he had created during the day and makes immature boob-poop-fart jokes. I would rather die. Maybe I just got scared and tried to find a reason to escape. Or maybe the relationship wouldn't have worked in long term - some relationships just don't work after a few months because real life will get in the way. It's completely different to be with someone a few times a week or during the holiday. Just together. Now I remember why I enjoy being single :rolleyes: But you live together so I assume you face your every day problems and don't live in a pink bubble.

    But my advice is that think about why you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. If you have any good reason to break up, then do what you think is right. You just may be more independent and he clings more easily on people. There is nothing wrong with that if it doesn't bother you or him. You should ask yourself why don't you see yourself being with him "forever". Are there any reasons why you should really be scared? You live together so you know what it would be like. Of course you don't have to decide it now. If I was you, I would talk to him about how I feel about all this future talk and how he clings on you. But choose your words carefully because he might misunderstand things.
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    dont get why people come across so strong at our age, its uni and you just want a bit of fun, why freak the other person out by talking about marriage etc? I personally dont blame you if u feel a bit uncomfortable.
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    Lol at 'The One'.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    If you ain't happy then you shouldn't be with him, I would save him the pain and end it now so he can actually find someone who really wants him, because at the moment you are stringing the poor lad along. You don't sound ready for a relationship.

    I agree with this until the last sentence. It's probably more that she doesn't want a serious relationship with this guy, rather than not wanting a serious relationship at all. To be honest though, I think it's a bit harsh how people are saying that she should break up with him because she doesn't see herself marrying him. She is 19 years old and probably (I don't mean to judge you here, OP, but for the majority this would apply) too young to be thinking about marriage or whether she sees herself spending the rest of her life with her current boyfriend. I think she should break up with her boyfriend not because she doesn't see herself marrying him, but because she doesn't seem happy in it.
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    You sound like a typical girl - fickle. Just tell him that you are not sure if you feel the same way as he does.
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    (Original post by Climbontoyourseahorse)
    I agree with this until the last sentence. It's probably more that she doesn't want a serious relationship with this guy, rather than not wanting a serious relationship at all. To be honest though, I think it's a bit harsh how people are saying that she should break up with him because she doesn't see herself marrying him. She is 19 years old and probably (I don't mean to judge you here, OP, but for the majority this would apply) too young to be thinking about marriage or whether she sees herself spending the rest of her life with her current boyfriend. I think she should break up with her boyfriend not because she doesn't see herself marrying him, but because she doesn't seem happy in it.
    Ah I might have been overly-critical on that last bit, but it just seems she feels tied down and trapped, but I suspect you are right, maybe just in this relationship. Too be fair when one of my ex's suggested marriage and kids I ran a mile.
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    You need to be honest with him sweet.

    Although you might well be happy and enjoy spending time with him and, although you don't feel the same way, you're not lying to him... but you're overlooking the selfishness of this; you are in fact preventing him from finding someone that he can be happy with. I'm not saying that he definitely would find that person if you were not with him, I'm not naive, but how long does this go on? Until you find someone else? Until you get bored? Until you end up disliking him, or worse? I honestly think you should tell him how you feel and perhaps then you can work it out together. After all, he has been honest with you.
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    Please stop wasting the poor boy's time.
 
 
 
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