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no interest in sex... is there something wrong with me? Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    this is a serious question! im a 19 year old girl and ive never had a proper relationship, ive had a few sexual encounters with random guys but only when im drunk. partly its because im quite shy but also i just dont really enjoy sex at all, i never particularly feel like i need it and i dont ever really get turned on when im with a guy. i guess what i wanted to know was, does anyone else feel like this? i dont know if im just kind of a freak or whether theres actually a medical reason for this?
    If it's a lack of interest, it's maybe a low sex drive. If it's a lack of attraction it may be that you're asexual. It could be both, sometimes they go together, sometimes they don't.

    Western society tends to overemphasize sex and sexuality, I wouldn't worry about it if you don't agree with it being that important to you, a lot of people don't. It's also got this idea that sex should just work, that it's not something that needs to be experimented with between partners or that a person shouldn't know exactly what they like before doing it with another. Bull**** if ever I've heard it.

    My advice? Stop worrying about. Get to know yourself and your own body. Don't force what isn't there. either situationally or personally - if awkward drunken fumbling isn't for you, it isn't for you, don't try and make it be - don't ever think it should be.
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    People are far too quick to jump to asexual. I don't think it's necessarily true. It may be, but you'll probably have to have way more experience to know whether that's true or not.

    Basically, for some people, sex actually sucks until they've found a partner who can explore what they like and what pleases them. For some people it just takes more time and different things to others, so you may have the most experienced guy ever but he will need to work on you a little more to understand what pleases you. I've discovered it improves even after the second time you have sex with the same person. That and the pressure is released.
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    (Original post by Jessaay!)
    People are far too quick to jump to asexual. I don't think it's necessarily true. It may be, but you'll probably have to have way more experience to know whether that's true or not.

    Basically, for some people, sex actually sucks until they've found a partner who can explore what they like and what pleases them. For some people it just takes more time and different things to others, so you may have the most experienced guy ever but he will need to work on you a little more to understand what pleases you. I've discovered it improves even after the second time you have sex with the same person. That and the pressure is released.
    I'd have to disagree, a person doesn't need any sexual experience to know if they're asexual. That's like saying you can't know you're straight until you've had gay sex. Being Ace is an orientation, it's just basically the opposite of being bi, it has nothing to do with not wanting or not liking sex by definition, you're asexual if you're not sexually attracted to either gender.

    Couldn't agree more with the second part though, I think you've hit the nail on the head there, for any orientation.
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    (Original post by bluegeek)
    I'd have to disagree, a person doesn't need any sexual experience to know if they're asexual. That's like saying you can't know you're straight until you've had gay sex. Being Ace is an orientation, it's just basically the opposite of being bi, it has nothing to do with not wanting or not liking sex by definition, you're asexual if you're not sexually attracted to either gender.

    Couldn't agree more with the second part though, I think you've hit the nail on the head there, for any orientation.
    I don't mean always, but when you're asking "am I asexual" then you need more experience to know. Some people just know. I was referring to the OP's situation, considering she didn't even say "I think I'm asexual" she probably needs some experimentation, just as some people do go through a stage where they "see what it's like" with people of another sex.

    That and I know being asexual is completely normal, but I think sometimes it can be a bit confusing to label yourself as. Some people do just "know", as they literally don't want sex, the OP is different. Some people want it but aren't entirely sure whether that's to fulfil a social norm or to please their partner, or just for a sense of physical closeness. I do think with people who are asexual sometimes it takes an actual experience for them to label themselves, whereas some know, or even feel disgusted by the idea of sex.

    And trust me, I've gone through the idea with myself many times, it's very confusing, but considering I think I can actually enjoy sex, I don't think I'm asexual.
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    Also OP, for my final post I think you could be a little bit like me. I've done the one night stand thing when drunk, just as you say you have, and sometimes it's been OK but I cna never really think of a time when I enjoyed it a huge amount. On the other hand, a while ago I was in a relationship with someone I had completely fallen for and felt comfortable with and he made me enjoy some sexual activities, and I think that may be because I felt comfortable with him and he knew what I wanted. I think some people have difficulty disconnecting romantic feelings with sexual feelings. I tend to feel the most ideal sexual situation would be after something more romantic rather than just spontaneous, drunken sex.
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    (Original post by Jessaay!)
    And trust me, I've gone through the idea with myself many times, it's very confusing, but considering I think I can actually enjoy sex, I don't think I'm asexual.
    Asexuality is an orientation.

    It has nothing to do with not enjoying sex or having problems with it. There are many asexuals who enjoy sex with a long-term partner, there are many who enjoy seeing to themselves. Some have high sex drives, some have low sex drives. Some are vanilla, some are kinky.

    I think you may be under some confusion yourself and I'm just concerned that to some extent you may be perpetuating certain misconceptions to the OP, though perhaps entirely inadvertently.
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    Are you on any medication. I am on a large dosage of medication and it does affect my sex drive dramatically, however I can still get turned on.
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    (Original post by bluegeek)
    Asexuality is an orientation.

    It has nothing to do with not enjoying sex or having problems with it. There are many asexuals who enjoy sex with a long-term partner, there are many who enjoy seeing to themselves. Some have high sex drives, some have low sex drives. Some are vanilla, some are kinky.

    I think you may be under some confusion yourself and I'm just concerned that to some extent you may be perpetuating certain misconceptions to the OP, though perhaps entirely inadvertently.
    I know exactly what asexuality is. (well, I say exactly, I mean I understand the idea, it is still under research and I imagine the only people who really know are those who are asexual themselves).

    It actually does depend on the person, some people just don't want sex, some people do, some people feel repulsed.

    I was confused initially as to whether the reason I didn't enjoy sex or have any real desire to have sex a lot was because I just didn't feel sexual attraction, it's confusing.

    http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/20...ence.research1

    As I said, I've had to think really hard about it myself. But if you read the above, you'll realise none of what I said is going against asexuality. I'm not saying I have problems with sex or that's what asexuality is, I don't have problems with sex.

    I think you're confusing it yourself with something set in stone, when it's not really. It depends entirely on the person as to what they feel about it. I'm not confusing it with the inability to be sexually aroused, in asexuality people can be aroused but may have no desire to have sex, or just maybe not aroused at all. Having considered whether or not I am asexual myself (just as some people go through a phase of considering whether or not they're bisexual/homosexual) I HAVE looked at what it is. For a while I definitely was pretty indifferent about sex.
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    (Original post by bluegeek)
    Asexuality is an orientation.

    It has nothing to do with not enjoying sex or having problems with it. There are many asexuals who enjoy sex with a long-term partner, there are many who enjoy seeing to themselves. Some have high sex drives, some have low sex drives. Some are vanilla, some are kinky.

    I think you may be under some confusion yourself and I'm just concerned that to some extent you may be perpetuating certain misconceptions to the OP, though perhaps entirely inadvertently.
    Oh and also you took an extract which doesn't retract from the point that asexuality is an orientation at all. I have thought before about whether or not I'm homosexual or bisexual, it's also confusing when you're going through puberty, but considering I am most attracted to guys and can't imagine developing romantic feelings for anyone of my own sex, I consider myself straight. I think a lot of experimentation, whether physically or just by thought, for a lot of people is necessary for them to decide whether or not they're a particular sexuality whereas some people just "know" (like a lot of gay people or I imagine a lot of asexual people).
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    maybe there was something wrong with your previous sex partners. :P
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    Masturbate... realise it feels good.
    :hump:
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    (Original post by Jessaay!)
    . But if you read the above, you'll realise none of what I said is going against asexuality. I'm not saying I have problems with sex or that's what asexuality is, I don't have problems with sex.
    You're entirely correct that it is a spectrum, and I don't think for one moment from what you've said that you're at all anti-ace.

    But what you stated earlier:

    but considering I think I can actually enjoy sex, I don't think I'm asexual
    That implies a massive misunderstanding of what asexuality is. That kind of misunderstanding is quite dangerous and given how well reasoned and intentioned your posts read could lead to people believing if they enjoy sex they can't be asexual or if they don't, maybe they are.

    I am not in any way challenging you over your own sexuality, whether you are or not I cannot possibly know. I'm glad you've checked out AVEN, it's a wonderful resource, and you clearly appreciate the spectrum that exists within asexuality. Some do enjoy sex, some don't, but that has no bearing on whether they're ace or not and implying a connection - like you've done above - is quite misleading.
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    Not weird, different from the normal, but nothing really wrong.
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    (Original post by bluegeek)
    You're entirely correct that it is a spectrum, and I don't think for one moment from what you've said that you're at all anti-ace.

    But what you stated earlier:



    That implies a massive misunderstanding of what asexuality is. That kind of misunderstanding is quite dangerous and given how well reasoned and intentioned your posts read could lead to people believing if they enjoy sex they can't be asexual or if they don't, maybe they are.

    I am not in any way challenging you over your own sexuality, whether you are or not I cannot possibly know. I'm glad you've checked out AVEN, it's a wonderful resource, and you clearly appreciate the spectrum that exists within asexuality. Some do enjoy sex, some don't, but that has no bearing on whether they're ace or not and implying a connection - like you've done above - is quite misleading.
    Enjoy sex is admittedly a bad way of phrasing it, it's quite a hard sexuality to put into words anyway. I didn't quite realise what I said, or I wouldn't have said later that they can enjoy sex because that just negates what I said in that post. I don't believe I was entirely misleading, though. And I don't believe the OP is asexual, but I think that's something she might have to look into herself (if she was truely asexual, I think she'd probably have other "doubts" too for want of a better word... I did, but they were entirely due to other psychological things rather than just my own desires).
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    (Original post by Jessaay!)
    Enjoy sex is admittedly a bad way of phrasing it, it's quite a hard sexuality to put into words anyway. I didn't quite realise what I said, or I wouldn't have said later that they can enjoy sex because that just negates what I said in that post. I don't believe I was entirely misleading, though. And I don't believe the OP is asexual, but I think that's something she might have to look into herself (if she was truely asexual, I think she'd probably have other "doubts" too for want of a better word... I did, but they were entirely due to other psychological things rather than just my own desires).
    It did seem somewhat incongruous given the rest of what you've said and I wasn't trying to pick an argument, but you'll know yourself from trying to figure out your own sexuality how important phrasing can be sometimes.

    The asexual community is very young right now and there are so many misconceptions flying around that given how intelligent and reasoned your posts were, added to the fact that you're a medical student, I'm sure you can understand if I was a little over cautious about letting it lie. You never know who might stumble upon it and take those words to heart like that.

    As for the OP... maybe, maybe not. It's just important to make sure the right info is out there for people to make their own decisions about.

    I kinda see sexuality as on a spectrum and people move about it during their life, as long as whatever term OP picks is one that they don't feel constrained by, or view as perpetual and unyielding, it's all good.
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    (Original post by bluegeek)
    It did seem somewhat incongruous given the rest of what you've said and I wasn't trying to pick an argument, but you'll know yourself from trying to figure out your own sexuality how important phrasing can be sometimes.

    The asexual community is very young right now and there are so many misconceptions flying around that given how intelligent and reasoned your posts were, added to the fact that you're a medical student, I'm sure you can understand if I was a little over cautious about letting it lie. You never know who might stumble upon it and take those words to heart like that.

    As for the OP... maybe, maybe not. It's just important to make sure the right info is out there for people to make their own decisions about.

    I kinda see sexuality as on a spectrum and people move about it during their life, as long as whatever term OP picks is one that they don't feel constrained by, or view as perpetual and unyielding, it's all good.
    Please don't play the medical student card, this is an online forum and I have been cautious about what I said (I have speculated, rather than telling her what to do) and it's really infuriating when people act as though we're a special case, when really I'm still in my first year and as such I have literally no say on anything advice-wise, I'm drawing on my own experiences as much as anyone in this thread.

    What would be more useful was for you to directly question or correct that short sentence rather than saying I have no idea, because unfortunately that's liable to confuse people as well. A lot of the stuff I said was accurate, therefore saying I'm confused or wrong without any real pointer as to what I said was wrong would probably make them dismiss even the things I said that were right.
 
 
 
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