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Can anybody help me write this poem? I can't rhyme "blood"... Watch

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    Thanks for the suggestions everybody!
    I think I'll try something with 'thud' or 'mud'.

    And probably re-write most of the other stuff
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    but he cringed upon seeing his attacker's penis, as small as a bud
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    (Original post by Acerbic)
    no need for an apostrophe in weapons.

    for other pedantic needs, check www.pedantic.com
    Really? I thought it should have one because I'm talking about the silvery tongue which belongs to the weapon... you know :dontknow:, oh well.
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    (Original post by Liam_G)
    Here is what I've got so far:

    The killer awoke with a blade in his breast
    which had splintered his ribs as it pierced his chest.
    He grimmaced in pain as he tugged at the steel,
    and his murderous acts seemed to lose their appeal.

    He'd never before felt a silvery tongue
    akin to the weapon's which punctured his lung.
    He spasmed in pain as with one final wrench,
    he unstuck the blade and with crimson was drenched.

    Transfixed by the curious pangs of displeasure,
    he stared at his chest with it's lightening-bolt fissure.
    Bleeding profusely, the wound he then prodded,
    picked-at and pulled 'til with pain felt besotted.

    He searched for a bandage to stopper the blood,

    ...................
    Not relevant to your question, but I thought I would point out that these two apostrophes are unnecessary.
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    (Original post by Retrospect)
    Not relevant to your question, but I thought I would point out that these two apostrophes are unnecessary.
    It's a really bad habit of mine writing "its" as "it's"... you know because it's something that belongs to "it" .

    As I've mentioned, I thought the first was neccessary because the I'm talking about the weapons silvery tongue, the tongue belongs to it.... If that makes sense, it seemed right at the time but likely not.

    I never claimed to be infallible far from it a you can see, but thanks for telling me
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    (Original post by Liam_G)
    It's a really bad habit of mine writing "its" as "it's"... you know because it's something that belongs to "it" .

    As I've mentioned, I thought the first was neccessary because the I'm talking about the weapons silvery tongue, the tongue belongs to it.... If that makes sense, it seemed right at the time but likely not.

    I never claimed to be infallible far from it a you can see, but thanks for telling me
    I understand what you mean, but you follow it immediately with another reference to the weapon - 'which punctured his lung', which would make the usage incorrect. To keep both references you'd have to cut the sentence (or whatever it's called, I'm not familiar with poetic terminology ) in half.

    He'd never before felt a silvery tongue
    akin to the weapon's, the weapon (or even 'the one') that punctured his lung.

    This is a ridiculously pedantic post, I apologise. Good luck with your poem!
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    (Original post by Retrospect)
    I understand what you mean, but you follow it immediately with another reference to the weapon - 'which punctured his lung', which would make the usage incorrect. To keep both references you'd have to cut the sentence (or whatever it's called, I'm not familiar with poetic terminology ) in half.

    He'd never before felt a silvery tongue
    akin to the weapon's, the weapon (or even 'the one') that punctured his lung.

    This is a ridiculously pedantic post, I apologise. Good luck with your poem!
    .... I will never understand apostrophes haha.
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    (Original post by microfatcat)
    Could change 'blood' to 'flow' if that helps?


    btw-
    Transfixed by the curious pangs of displeasure,
    he stared at his chest with it's lightening-bolt fissure.

    Displeasure doesn't rhyme with fissure
    Half-rhyme is a legitimate poetic device.
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    Use of assonance works better than a forced rhyme. Eg, though displeasure/fissure worked and flowed better than some of the other full rhyming couplets.
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    soap suds and bear cubs rhymes. Idk how you could incorporate them tho...
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    (Original post by Profesh)
    Half-rhyme is a legitimate poetic device.
    I never said it wasn't. Nearly all of it rhymes though.
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    How about good,mud, wood.

    Poetry doesn't always have to rhyme !
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    (Original post by Profesh)
    Half-rhyme is a legitimate poetic device.
    (Original post by shadow99)
    How about good,mud, wood.

    Poetry doesn't always have to rhyme !
    (Original post by DiZZeeKiD)
    Use of assonance works better than a forced rhyme. Eg, though displeasure/fissure worked and flowed better than some of the other full rhyming couplets.

    Thanks.... by the comments I thought i'd done something terrible, poetic sacrilege or something :erm:. Not that much rhymes with displeasure
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    (Original post by Liam_G)
    Here is what I've got so far:

    The killer awoke with a blade in his breast
    which had splintered his ribs as it pierced his chest.
    He grimmaced in pain as he tugged at the steel,
    and his murderous acts seemed to lose their appeal.

    He'd never before felt a silvery tongue
    akin to the weapon's which punctured his lung.
    He spasmed in pain as with one final wrench,
    he unstuck the blade and with crimson was drenched.

    Transfixed by the curious pangs of displeasure,
    he stared at his chest with it's lightening-bolt fissure.
    Bleeding profusely, the wound he then prodded,
    picked-at and pulled 'til with pain felt besotted.

    He searched for a bandage to stopper the blood,

    As it flowed down his body it started to flood,
    The room he was in became covered in red,
    If no bandage could be found, he soon would be dead.

    ...................


    I don't know what to write next . I don't mind in the line above it changes slightly, I just want help.... *writers block*

    I'd really appreciate any suggestions

    If you're not so good with rhyming, you can suggest where the story may lead to (because I have absolutely no idea)

    This isn't homework btw, I just write things when I'm bored (a bit sad, I know :sigh:).

    Thanks!
    Added 3 lines for you.
 
 
 
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