Boyfriend meeting up with his ex behind my back! Watch

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GBateman
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#21
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#21
(Original post by Anonymous)
I wouldn't have though, I'm not annoyed at the meeting up so much, it's the hiding it from me which I hate. If he'd told me I would have been fine about it as it suggests that there's nothing for me to worry about. He's quite popular with the girls, gets a lot of attention, so he knows I'm not the jealous type in general.
You say that, but the seed of doubt would have been planted in your mind.

Why is he seeing her?

Does he still have feelings for her?

What if he's sleeping with her?

Before you know it, you've already convinced yourself that he's cheating on you and you're ready to confront him and dump him.
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WelshBluebird
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#22
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#22
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm not sure to be honest - I think they've kept in touch. I don't know if he specifically lied to me on the days he met her (written in his organiser - I was looking through it and he was sat right there - when it got to one of the pages it was written on he leapt up and drew my attention to something else in the diary but I'd already seen it...).

I don't have a problem with her seeing her, I just feel like it's something I should know about as his girlfriend and the fact he didn't tell me suggests that he's got something to hide. As I say, if I were going to meet up with any of my exes I would tell him straight away. I would never ask him to not see her, and would certainly never dictate to him. I just want him to be up front and honest with me and I don't feel he has been.
Why were you looking at his organiser :confused:
Anyway, feel free to disagree with me, but he is his own person. He is under no obligation to tell you who is his going to see. I certainly don't tell my gf everything. Of course, if she asks then I will tell her, but to be annoyed at him for just not telling you seems a little clingy tbh.
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vicky_1234
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#23
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#23
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm not sure to be honest - I think they've kept in touch. I don't know if he specifically lied to me on the days he met her (written in his organiser - I was looking through it and he was sat right there - when it got to one of the pages it was written on he leapt up and drew my attention to something else in the diary but I'd already seen it...).

I don't have a problem with her seeing her, I just feel like it's something I should know about as his girlfriend and the fact he didn't tell me suggests that he's got something to hide. As I say, if I were going to meet up with any of my exes I would tell him straight away. I would never ask him to not see her, and would certainly never dictate to him. I just want him to be up front and honest with me and I don't feel he has been.
So he clearly didn't want you to find out about it, bit suspicious to me...
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Anonymous #1
#24
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#24
(Original post by WelshBluebird)
Why were you looking at his organiser :confused:
Anyway, feel free to disagree with me, but he is his own person. He is under no obligation to tell you who is his going to see. I certainly don't tell my gf everything. Of course, if she asks then I will tell her, but to be annoyed at him for just not telling you seems a little clingy tbh.
I was putting silly notes in it...he was sat right there. Yeah I'm worried about looking clingy which is why I didn't say anything. If it was any other female friend then obviously that would be fine and I wouldn't bat an eyelid but an ex....who he was with for a long time. It does make me feel a bit odd. I suppose if he wanted to be with her he would be...

I just don't want to be taken for a mug.
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Anonymous #1
#25
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#25
(Original post by vicky_1234)
So he clearly didn't want you to find out about it, bit suspicious to me...
Yeah, or that he didn't want me to be hurt by me finding out. I am sure it's all perfectly innocent - he wouldn't have written it in there if it was dodgy. But now it's worse because as I've said, feel like I've been lied to.
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WelshBluebird
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#26
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#26
(Original post by Anonymous)
I just don't want to be taken for a mug.
And yet you don't want to look like a crazy jealous *****.
Just casually bring it up, maybe ask if he had a nice day with x or whatever.
I'd say do that as soon as, otherwise as GBateman says, the doubt will start to increase.
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Veldrin
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#27
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#27
My friend has a similar problem, she just withheld sex to teach him a lesson......but ya know personally I would just have a right go at him about lack of trust etc etc
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vicky_1234
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#28
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#28
(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah, or that he didn't want me to be hurt by me finding out. I am sure it's all perfectly innocent - he wouldn't have written it in there if it was dodgy. But now it's worse because as I've said, feel like I've been lied to.
If he didn't want you to be hurt he should have told you from the start.

Just talk to him, he'll tell you it was just an innocent meeting, and then you'll feel tons better, I promise. Better that than have all random internet people putting doubt in your mind, you know your boyfriend far better than any of us :P
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Anonymous #1
#29
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#29
(Original post by GBateman)
You say that, but the seed of doubt would have been planted in your mind.

Why is he seeing her?

Does he still have feelings for her?

What if he's sleeping with her?

Before you know it, you've already convinced yourself that he's cheating on you and you're ready to confront him and dump him.
Nah because if he'd just said it I'd have been hugely reassured that there was nothing to it. I'm sure he's not sleeping with her, not sure about having feelings for her to be honest but if he'd told me I wouldn't be worrying. Think I'm just going to steer clear of him for a few days until I'm feeling a tad more rational.
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The Mr Z
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#30
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#30
(Original post by Anonymous)
I just discovered that my boyfriend has met up with his ex, who he was with for five years, behind my back a couple of times...this makes me feel uneasy, I'm not fully sure why. Do I have a right to be annoyed? I feel like he's been dishonest- we do tend to tell each other what we're up to (not in a creepy, clingy way, we just live on the same street and know the same people...) so I feel like he's tried to conceal this from me. I probably wouldn't meet up with my ex and not tell him so it just seems odd to me.

Male perspective welcome - do I have anything to be worried about? Our relationship is generally fine, we have the odd tiff but we have been together a year and I think we are fairly strong (which is why I'm puzzled as to why he hasn't told me this...) - am I being irrational/typical crazy girl here? Gut feeling is I have no right to feel annoyed but something about it just doesn't sit right with me.
Well it's not an easy one.

You have no right to be upset about him meeting her, many ex-couples have perfectly platonic friendships after relatively passive break ups. (or even relatively bad breakups!) You are in a romantically exclusive relationship with him, but not a platonicly exclusive one.

However you have EVERY right to be uneasy about the secrecy! The most important thing with this sort of occurrence is that he should be open with you about it.

There are some completely acceptable reasons he didn't tell you however, and some unacceptable ones:

1. It was a rather last minute arrangement/spur of the moment meeting, and he didn't have time to tell you, and it may not have come up in conversation since if it only happened in the last few days.

2. He was worried you would feel awkward if he told you. Mis-interpretation on his part, and actually shows greater, rather than less affection towards you.

3. Something was up; he felt guilty about it for some reason, perhaps indeed still had feelings for her. This is the bad option.

The best way to find out would be to talk to him about it. Don't confront him outright, but bring it up casually. "I heard you mex Ex-girl on Dayday".

if he told you about it himself, you can rule 3 out, in which case why he didn't tell you before probably comes down to timing.

If it was a recent occurrence, and his reaction is completely casual, then it was likely a case of 1.

When you ask him why he didn't tell you, if it was a case of 2 he'll be apologetic, sympathetic towards you and open. Tell him that you'd rather he just told you because you appreciate the openness. He'll be happy to do so, problem solved.

If it's a case of 3, he'll be defensive and try to avoid the topic. And if you push him an argument will probably ensue.

If you're fairly certain after talking to him something's up, come back and we can have a look at how to move forwards. (feel free to PM me if there are details you don't want public)
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Anonymous #1
#31
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#31
(Original post by Veldrin)
My friend has a similar problem, she just withheld sex to teach him a lesson......but ya know personally I would just have a right go at him about lack of trust etc etc
I'm really not into playing 'witholding sex' games. Nor am I going to yell at him about it - see poster above, I'd look like a 'crazy jealous *****'.
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Tomac
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#32
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#32
(Original post by GBateman)
Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you'd react like this?
This, this and this. I'd never tell my girl if I met up with my ex because she'd go all over-board and probably end up breaking up.
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GBateman
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#33
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#33
(Original post by Anonymous)
Nah because if he'd just said it I'd have been hugely reassured that there was nothing to it. I'm sure he's not sleeping with her, not sure about having feelings for her to be honest but if he'd told me I wouldn't be worrying. Think I'm just going to steer clear of him for a few days until I'm feeling a tad more rational.
That would probably be the most practical move.

Take time out to relax and then re-assess the situation.
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Anonymous #1
#34
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#34
(Original post by The Mr Z)
Well it's not an easy one.

You have no right to be upset about him meeting her, many ex-couples have perfectly platonic friendships after relatively passive break ups. (or even relatively bad breakups!) You are in a romantically exclusive relationship with him, but not a platonicly exclusive one.

However you have EVERY right to be uneasy about the secrecy! The most important thing with this sort of occurrence is that he should be open with you about it.

There are some completely acceptable reasons he didn't tell you however, and some unacceptable ones:

1. It was a rather last minute arrangement/spur of the moment meeting, and he didn't have time to tell you, and it may not have come up in conversation since if it only happened in the last few days.

2. He was worried you would feel awkward if he told you. Mis-interpretation on his part, and actually shows greater, rather than less affection towards you.

3. Something was up; he felt guilty about it for some reason, perhaps indeed still had feelings for her. This is the bad option.

The best way to find out would be to talk to him about it. Don't confront him outright, but bring it up casually. "I heard you mex Ex-girl on Dayday".

if he told you about it himself, you can rule 3 out, in which case why he didn't tell you before probably comes down to timing.

If it was a recent occurrence, and his reaction is completely casual, then it was likely a case of 1.

When you ask him why he didn't tell you, if it was a case of 2 he'll be apologetic, sympathetic towards you and open. Tell him that you'd rather he just told you because you appreciate the openness. He'll be happy to do so, problem solved.

If it's a case of 3, he'll be defensive and try to avoid the topic. And if you push him an argument will probably ensue.

If you're fairly certain after talking to him something's up, come back and we can have a look at how to move forwards. (feel free to PM me if there are details you don't want public)
Thanks for this reply I agree with you re: the first two paragraphs. As regards to reasons - I doubt it was a last-minute thing, she lives about 2 hours away so I guess she was in town...I do genuinely reckon number two is the most probable but I also want to be wary.

I don't know about talking to him directly about it but I am good friends with one of his best friends and we talk a lot so I might ask him about it (he's good at not passing things on...)
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username728604
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#35
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#35
(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah, or that he didn't want me to be hurt by me finding out. I am sure it's all perfectly innocent - he wouldn't have written it in there if it was dodgy. But now it's worse because as I've said, feel like I've been lied to.
Ok here's my opinion. You do have something to worry about.
The fact you're not a paranoid person by nature and this is bothering you means it's not right, your intuition is trying to tell you something. Don't ignore it because you don't want be seen as 'clingy' because you know you're not. Also it's a pretty good sign that someone is cheating if they act out of character, whether this be in a good way or bad way... if he's the type of person who usually tells you everything and on this occasion he isn't, then obviously he's hiding something. He knows as well as you do that you're not a paranoid person so if there wasn't anything to be paranoid about he would tell you he's hanging out with his ex. Don't let your feelings for him blur your better judgement.
I say this because a similar thing happened to be. I ignored all the signs of suspicious behavior and didn't challenge my ex because I didn't want to appear 'paranoid' even though we both know I'm as laid back as they get (turns out he was cheating). At least make him aware that you're aware he's meeting his ex. If he is doing something he shouldn't be and he knows you're wary then it'll put him off seeing her again.
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Holly Hiskey
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#36
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#36
(Original post by Anonymous)
Just made my excuses and left to be honest, I didn't want to cause a scene without taking stock first (didn't want to look like a jealous psycho if I'm honest!). I think he knows I found out but neither of us said anything.
You need to speak to him about it!
Also, I find it really annoying when you're made to feel like the crazy psycho girlfriend- I think that you have a valid point, and if he's deliberately lied or not told you about it then you have the right to be a little suspicious!
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krish.x
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#37
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#37
Talk. To. Him.

If you stay as calm and rational as you sound in all your posts he'll realise he has nothing to freak about if his reasons for withholding the info were that he was worried you'd become a paranoid psycho...

And if he has feelings for her still, you can take it from there.

And stop listening to the TSRs that think his behaviour's suspicious so you should rant and rave or dump him. Guys don't like confrontation...He was probably just worried about your reaction. You're not clingy or overly jealous so even if it's that he has lingering feelings for her clearly it's not you that the issue stems from. But you need to talk to him rather than a bunch of strangers on an internet forum. You can't just dump the bloke for not telling you something :rolleyes: (I'm not saying you were going to but some of these posts are just stupidly accusatory).
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When will I know?
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#38
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#38
(Original post by Tomac)
This, this and this. I'd never tell my girl if I met up with my ex because she'd go all over-board and probably end up breaking up.
:lolwut: maybe you think like that because you'd do the same if you found out your gf met her ex :rolleyes:. No one really does that and if they do then you should be happy that they left you, instead of staying with someone who is :bird:

OP if you usually tell each other stuff then i dont see the reason to hide something like that. If you've kept in touch with an ex as friends theres nothing wrong with meeting up as friends. So really no reason to hide it, and if you do, then it obviously will make your partner think otherwise. It doesnt matter whether you're a girl or boy... if you're hiding things then somethings not right. It wouldnt mean much if you've been going out with them only a few weeks or months.

It's common sense that if you want to gain someones trust then you'd tell them that you're meeting with your ex because they'll think that you've told them about it and trust you....instead of not telling them because you think that they'll think you're up to something bad (Why would you think like that? unless you think your partner doesnt trust you :confused:)

But I dont think you should be annoyed at all or think too much in to it especially if you trust him a lot. It could just be something personal his ex doesnt want anyone to know :dontknow:
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Jmzie-Coupe
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#39
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#39
Dump him on his fat ass
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Arcanen
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#40
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I think you have every right to be annoyed. If my girlfriend was meeting up with any other guy, even not behind my back, it would still piss me off. I know this is over the top but I'm quite possessive.

Meeting up with an ex though makes it worse, and doing it without telling you makes it 100 times worse. It's not casual, and it's the sort of thing that he should know might annoy you if you found out and so ask/tell you about it beforehand.

Talk to him about it. You are in the right.
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