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Is it wrong to judge someone based on who they have slept with? Watch

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    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    You're talking as if you have very little time to decide who to invest in. Yes, be fussy, obviously, don't settle for someone you're less than smitten with, but don't discard people off hand either. Take it easy, keep an open mind, socialise with a wide variety of people, and date people who you're truly attracted to body and mind.
    Say your office has a socialising event, and there are a couple of people you've had your eye on, who do you go for, if you're the sort of person to take the initiative like that? I don't mean to say you must take it into account, but to do so isn't unreasonable.

    I think it is fairly superficial personally...I haven't found a particularly strong correlation between number of partners and personality, and - frequently - only a loose correlation between attitude to sexuality and number of partners, particularly among people who have a low number of partners - sometimes that's lack of opportunity more than anything. People who have had a high number of partners do tend to see sex as for funtimes rather than for emotional intimacy, but even then attitudes can change quite fast.

    Also, two people might have similar amounts of casual sex but very different reasons for that number of partners. Some people see casual sex as a type of self-discovery and use it to explore new facets of themselves in a relatively consequence-free environment; others are just out to collect as many notches on the bedpost as possible; other people use casual sex as a type of self-harm (risk seeking behaviour); others just don't have many inhibitions when they're drunk and might well regret it the next morning.

    The point is just a number can't tell you much at all. Definitely take into account someone's attitude to sex, but don't assume that a simple number can tell you what that attitude is. I guess taking that number alongside a lot of other information might be more useful, but just a number in isolation tells you next to nothing of value.
    Their attitude to sex is part of their personality, so even a loose correlation is worth noting. As I said in the OP, I think their reasons are the important part, but you can correlate their reasons to 'their number', which is far easier to get hold of (or some idea of it anyway) than them telling you their reasons.
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    Yes, if they have changed. I don't have a squeaky clean past and I am a damn good girlfriend. The sad thing about life is we can't go back into the past and change what we have done. We can learn from it, though, and that's what matters. I don't judge a potential boyfriend on his previous sexual actions, and I expect the same right.
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    Here's a thought...talk to more than one person at the party? Engage someone in a conversation about sexuality in general and see what they say about it?

    I'm getting the impression that no matter what I say you're going to continue seeing someone's number of past sexual partners as a short cut to their current attitude towards sexuality, and that no one will be able to convince you that number of partners is not a good way of ranking people you barely know by desirability.*
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    In the following, I use 'judge' to mean 'decide if you'll go out with', rather than anything more official. I don't think it is something you should do, but neither is it something you shouldn't do. People make (excluding rape) conscious decisions to have sex with people, or put themselves in positions where they're more likely to have sex with people (get drunk), and I think it is fair enough to judge someone on the choices they make.

    Perhaps more fundamentally, it makes sense to judge someone on why they undertake certain actions, as that tells you about their personality, and hence if they 'match up' with you.

    A lot of people say things like you shouldn't judge someone on how many people they've slept with, and I think to some extent that's true, since it's more their motives that matter, but there's still correlation between someone's attitudes towards sex and how many they've slept with (taking age into account too), so their 'number' is still a good indicator of that aspect of someone. Given our busy lives these days (increasing numbers of people using the internet to find someone, for example), it makes sense to use such indicators to speed up one's search.

    So, is it fair to take into account people's reasons for having/not having sex when determining (attraction is subconscious for the most part, but you can steer yourself away) potential romantic relationships?
    You have the right to decide
    And right to sleep with someone
    Also you have the right to make an opinion

    So-called "democracy"
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    (Original post by HopefulMidwife)
    Yes, if they have changed. I don't have a squeaky clean past and I am a damn good girlfriend. The sad thing about life is we can't go back into the past and change what we have done. We can learn from it, though, and that's what matters. I don't judge a potential boyfriend on his previous sexual actions, and I expect the same right.
    My reasoning is, since it makes sense to judge someone on their actions in the past (to take an extreme example, if someone had previously killed their spouse but served their time in prison), why do some people (like you) claim their past sexual actions are/should be exempt?

    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    Here's a thought...talk to more than one person at the party? Engage someone in a conversation about sexuality in general and see what they say about it?

    I'm getting the impression that no matter what I say you're going to continue seeing someone's number of past sexual partners as a short cut to their current attitude towards sexuality, and that no one will be able to convince you that number of partners is not a good way of ranking people you barely know by desirability.*
    I've stated my position, and you've even agreed there's a (you say loose) correlation. From that basis, nothing you've said negates that correlation. I'm not saying it should be the decisive factor, but it makes sense to have it as a factor. Someone seems to talk a lot/a little and you've found you like more quiet/talkative people? It makes sense to, on the balance of probability, go for more quiet/talkative people than the person you've just encountered.
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    My reasoning is, since it makes sense to judge someone on their actions in the past (to take an extreme example, if someone had previously killed their spouse but served their time in prison), why do some people (like you) claim their past sexual actions are/should be exempt?

    I've stated my position, and you've even agreed there's a (you say loose) correlation. From that basis, nothing you've said negates that correlation. I'm not saying it should be the decisive factor, but it makes sense to have it as a factor. Someone seems to talk a lot/a little and you've found you like more quiet/talkative people? It makes sense to, on the balance of probability, go for more quiet/talkative people than the person you've just encountered.
    Because sex is an incredibly varied and personal thing which people enter into under a wide array of circumstances and with a wide array of motivations, and something as basic as the number of people someone's slept with tells you absolutely nothing about those circumstances and motivations, which I'm sure you would agree are more important than the number of partners itself.

    Now if you had not only the number of partners but also the relationship they had with each of those people, along with their mental state when they slept with their partners, how they felt the next morning, and how many of their partners they kept in touch with after, that'd be a different thing.

    Also, personally, I prefer more talkative people, but I'd much rather hang out with quiet people with something interesting to say than talkative people who haven't got an original thought in their brains. It's just one piece of information. It needs to be taken in context with other information to be valuable.
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    My reasoning is, since it makes sense to judge someone on their actions in the past (to take an extreme example, if someone had previously killed their spouse but served their time in prison), why do some people (like you) claim their past sexual actions are/should be exempt?
    I don't equate sex with morals, unless it's used to hurt somebody. There is a big difference between the morals and heart of somebody who has the courage and capacity to take a life, and somebody who has had sex with more people than society 'permits'.

    Hence why I am mature enough to not care. I wouldn't let a number come between me and somebody I care about.
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    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    Because sex is an incredibly varied and personal thing which people enter into under a wide array of circumstances and with a wide array of motivations, and something as basic as the number of people someone's slept with tells you absolutely nothing about those circumstances and motivations, which I'm sure you would agree are more important than the number of partners itself.

    Now if you had not only the number of partners but also the relationship they had with each of those people, along with their mental state when they slept with their partners, how they felt the next morning, and how many of their partners they kept in touch with after, that'd be a different thing.

    Also, personally, I prefer more talkative people, but I'd much rather hang out with quiet people with something interesting to say than talkative people who haven't got an original thought in their brains. It's just one piece of information. It needs to be taken in context with other information to be valuable.
    You said everything perfectly, especially the bolded. +ve rep, if I had any left.
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    (Original post by Gray Wolf)
    I would judge them yes. I would judge them mercilessly. If a person has no self-respect why should I respect them?
    This is me really. Who wants to get with a woman/hoe who has been stuffed the pork sausage so many times and been pumped full of semen? How awkward would it be knowing she is promiscuous and that people in your uni has banged her?

    I don't know why I think this: if someone sleeps around, doesn't that mean they are liable to cheat? No emotional attachment and view sex as nothing but an act of fun?
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    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    Because sex is an incredibly varied and personal thing which people enter into under a wide array of circumstances and with a wide array of motivations, and something as basic as the number of people someone's slept with tells you absolutely nothing about those circumstances and motivations, which I'm sure you would agree are more important than the number of partners itself.

    Now if you had not only the number of partners but also the relationship they had with each of those people, along with their mental state when they slept with their partners, how they felt the next morning, and how many of their partners they kept in touch with after, that'd be a different thing.
    Indeed, I do feel that the reasons behind someone's actions are the important thing when concerned with their personality, but I'm just pointing out that there's a correlation (and you've agreed there is one) between their actions and their motivation, and hence their personality.

    Also, personally, I prefer more talkative people, but I'd much rather hang out with quiet people with something interesting to say than talkative people who haven't got an original thought in their brains. It's just one piece of information. It needs to be taken in context with other information to be valuable.
    True, more information is better, but given what you're said you prefer, wouldn't you be more attracted to someone who you usually saw talking to some friends than someone who you never saw speak to anyone but a teacher/boss? Other things roughly equal, of course.


    (Original post by HopefulMidwife)
    I don't equate sex with morals, unless it's used to hurt somebody. There is a big difference between the morals and heart of somebody who has the courage and capacity to take a life, and somebody who has had sex with more people than society 'permits'.

    Hence why I am mature enough to not care. I wouldn't let a number come between me and somebody I care about.
    As I said, it was an extreme example to get the essence of my point across clearly, but I guess it failed. I'm talking about you judging them on their actions, not what their actions are. Another example, say someone had chosen to regularly donate to a certain charity, does that not tell you anything about their personality? They might have done it because they're competing with a philanthropist sibling, but more likely they're doing it for a cause they believe in. In short, what you choose to do reveals things about your personality.
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    Why did you start this thread if you've already made up your mind. x.x

    Continue using the number of someone's sexual partners as a guide to their attitude towards sexuality if you wish. Maybe it'll even work out for you, you never know.
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    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    Why did you start this thread if you've already made up your mind. x.x

    Continue using the number of someone's sexual partners as a guide to their attitude towards sexuality if you wish. Maybe it'll even work out for you, you never know.
    Might be a good debate, might change some people's minds, someone might change mine, some people might change the minds of other people.

    And thank you for giving me... permission
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    (Original post by Hopple)
    As I said, it was an extreme example to get the essence of my point across clearly, but I guess it failed. I'm talking about you judging them on their actions, not what their actions are. Another example, say someone had chosen to regularly donate to a certain charity, does that not tell you anything about their personality? They might have done it because they're competing with a philanthropist sibling, but more likely they're doing it for a cause they believe in. In short, what you choose to do reveals things about your personality.
    Not necessarily. Like somebody else said, a number tells you nothing about the situation that person was in at the time. A person who's slept with 3 people isn't necessarily a better person or more faithful than somebody who's slept with 30 people. I take people as a whole person - if they seem like somebody who would like to sleep with lots of people and is reckless, not interested. If those 30 people were in their past and they're different, I don't care.

    I'm a completely different person from when I was 14/15. I have grown up and learnt a lot of hard lessons. Certain things I done, I done because I was going through a lot of crap at home, and was niave. It's got nothing to do with me now, and my personality. If anything, my personality is one of the loving and trusting type, which isn't inherently bad.

    I don't even think I'm explaining myself properly :confused:. Anyway, at the end of the day, I sense you're stuck in your way of thinking and trying to justify it. That's fine. It's your choice. I just think it's wrong to objectively look at someone's sexual past and let it override what you know of them now. I don't think that's fair. At all.
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    Tbh I tend to judge all non-virgins as being equally unpure as each other...
 
 
 
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