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Parents being stubborn with my university choice Watch

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    Um, old person here. Although I am not from your background, I did have to stand up to my parents at the age of 18 over a different matter but I do understand it is very difficult. Regarding passport. Get another immediately. Re the cost, go and do some casual work to earn some money, anything will do, think of the long term goal and that is your independence. Get all your stuff together in another place eg with a friend, and stick to your guns regarding choice of university. London is not the beginning and end of life and you cannot stay living with your parents forever, they are simply worried but would never admit that to you, so come across as bossy and controlling. You have to make a stand at some point in time and this is it. If you go to a university you do not want to go to, you will not be happy and will not get the best out of it, you may even drop out and what a waste that would be. Stick to your guns, this may be unpleasant now, but in the long run you will gain from it and ultimately your parents must learn to respect you as an equal independent and clearly intelligent young adult. Hope it all goes well, but decide now because there is no turning back on this one and you know it in your heart really. Good luck.
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      (Original post by geodude18)
      It wouldn't be just one phone call though. My dad would expect me to find a number of london universities and call them up. Faking one phone call would work, but faking several would be incredibly difficult I think. Heck I don't know my parents might even want me to put the phone on loudspeaker so they can hear what they say.
      ****ing hell.

      OP, you're 18. Do what you want.
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      (Original post by geodude18)
      I'm actually from an African background but it's essentially the same. Old fashioned, traditional, incredibly stubborn. I got accepted into Hertfordshire to study English Lit, of course they weren't pleased about my course but they don't mind as much anymore if I study in London, which is not happening.
      ugh, i'm from an african background as well, i see what you mean, my mum just had a go at me yesterday for collecting a student loan with my grant and she wants me to retract it, she also wanted me to go into my insurance cos it's 'higher on the league table' when i already have accommodation and everything sorted out with my firm, it's just so stupid, they basically controlled most of my choices for most of my life for a while now, the subjects i did at gcse and a level to a point, the degree i applied for etc. personally i just ignore them and tell them i'm happy with my choice, and at least i'm going to uni, try and say that you looked into it and it's too late or not going to be possible, tell them there are no more spaces for a similar course in the london unis you've checked or whatever. also maybe show them some positive aspects of your course and why it might be better than other options in london so they can ease into it.
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      Well my mother is trying to kick me out right now for refusing to obey her saying I should call schools up in london.
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      (Original post by im so academic)
      OP, you're 18. Do what you want.
      18 year olds are still children in essence - unless they have a job they are entirely at their parents' mercy. It's not a case of rights, it's a case of the ability to find food and accommodation.

      OP, if you're going for independence I would start inquiring immediately into how far your loan / grant will stretch, how much your accommodation costs, and whether there are any local job vacancies. If your parents do kick you out (which I hope they don't), bear in mind you will have to pay a lot of money to stay somewhere during the long holidays. Ask Hertfordshire if they have any emergency hardship loans for people suddenly estranged from their parents, because you might not get anything from student finance - check their rules.

      This is not a case of getting your passport back - it's a very serious and expensive matter. The only other option is to talk your parents around.

      I'm sorry they are so strict. I really want to say stand up to them, but without money or a job you just don't have any power. If they were white British parents I would say just leave, and they'll almost certainly welcome you back as the prodigal son, but I can't speak for yours. Unless you have any siblings or cousins who might help you out temporarily?

      Good luck - I really hope you find a way to go to Hertfordshire!
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      Stop being a child and go where you want.
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      (Original post by geodude18)
      Well my mother is trying to kick me out right now for refusing to obey her saying I should call schools up in london.
      Wow. You can't let them control your life so much because at the end of the day you are the one who is going to suffer. Living in London is expensive anyway, that's the main reason I decided to apply to all unis outside of London. She might be putting you in a really tight spot to get you to stay in London and to give in by saying that she will kick you out, but she might not really resort to that in the end. If she really does kick you out do you have any relatives you can stay with? I'm guessing you only have about one month left here before you go to uni.
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      Firstly, Congratulations on passing your A-levels and getting into your first choice uni.

      I'm sorry that you and your parents are clashing over this. It is an incredibly big decision to make to leave home, which uni and what you want to study, but primarily, it is your decision. At this point, I would not recommend lying or 'faking phone calls', this is very immature and not very adult. Furthermore, if your parents found out they'd have even less trust in you and it would support their opinion that you are not mature enough to make this decision. Even though they are behaving irrationally, I am sure it is because they love you and want to protect you. Most parents are very emotional when their children go off to university.

      Does your school have a teacher or career advisor you feel you can talk to? The support network in school does not stop after you've got your results. Or try and contact someone at the university you've applied that knows a great deal about the course. Explain your situation beforehand, and then I think you should try and set up a meeting with one of these people, and your parents, so that an informed professional can discuss with your parents the benefits of your decision. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like they want to listen to you, so they need to hear it from someone else.

      I hope it all works out for you and congratulations again.
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      (Original post by geodude18)
      Well my mother is trying to kick me out right now for refusing to obey her saying I should call schools up in london.
      Culturally I understand where your parents are coming from. You have to play them at their own game, dance to the drum but at your own beat. Appear to comply and make an effort. Call the universities that you know won't have vacancies - UCL, Kings & the like or those so far down the league table they wouldn't even want you going there.

      Or say you now want to consider doing one of the courses they want and try to get a place knowing very well you wont get a place due to grades or wrong subject choice. Again try places that wouldn't normally have places (this is of course assuming your parents aren't TSR/uni boffins)

      Then move at snail pace. drag your heels with the calls, if you know a company that keeps you holding for decades call them ( I had to edexcel a few days a go and was holding handsfree for over an hour!) then accidentally cut it off and call again so you return to the end of the queue.
      repeat.
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      (Original post by wetin dey?)
      Culturally I understand where your parents are coming from. You have to play them at their own game, dance to the drum but at your own beat. Appear to comply and make an effort. Call the universities that you know won't have vacancies - UCL, Kings & the like or those so far down the league table they wouldn't even want you going there.

      Or say you now want to consider doing one of the courses they want and try to get a place knowing very well you wont get a place due to grades or wrong subject choice. Again try places that wouldn't normally have places (this is of course assuming your parents aren't TSR/uni boffins)

      Then move at snail pace. drag your heels with the calls, if you know a company that keeps you holding for decades call them ( I had to edexcel a few days a go and was holding handsfree for over an hour!) then accidentally cut it off and call again so you return to the end of the queue.
      repeat.
      I'm going to do that, thank you! sounds like a plan.
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      Horrible situation OP.

      I was in a position where I was at loggerheads with parents over something when I was a good deal younger than you are now. I 'pretended' to comply and it made it drag on and on and on. I kept protesting, but all the time they thought they were 'winning' they did not budge. I wish looking back, (and its a LONG time ago!) that I had stuck to my guns, it would have made it more explosive but so much shorter. If you pretend to make calls they will seize the opportunity that you are giving in, dont go there.

      Dont worry about things like a suitcase, carrier bags are free in Tesco and you probably have some bin liners in the cupboard under the sink right? So there are household things you wont be able to take, dont sweat it it, you can borrow a saucepan from someone else! These are tiny details.

      Honestly I would say you must stick to your guns, then if it doesn't go according to plan you can stand as the adult you are and admit you made a mistake, if you do what they want to the detriment of your own wishes, then everything that doesn't go right is another thorn in your relationship with them.

      From a mum's point of view, I can see they don't want you to leave, they don't like the idea of you being in debt, and they are probably terrified of letting you go, I can understand that.

      If I was you, I would sit them down, thank them for all of the food for thought. Say you have considered all options and have made your decision. Point out that its because they have done such a great job as parents that you are in a position that you are ready to leave and be independent at only 18 and you are so grateful to them for the wonderful lessons they have taught you. Say now you are an adult you will be making your own choices about your life, you realise that some will be good and some less so, but that is the way of life, the times when it all turns to [email protected] are when the lessons are learned. Say you would prefer to move thru your life with their support, but you cannot make them offer that, but either way you are grown, you are doing what you need to do. Say all of this kindly, flatter them, try to keep them on side but dont give in. This eleventh hour response is a knee-jerk panic on their part, you will ultimately have more respect from them by standing up for what you believe in.

      Good luck, let us know.
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      (Original post by squeakysquirrel)
      You are not going to like this - obviously I don't know your parents but here are my thoughts.

      I am a parent myself and my son got accepted into a "lesser university" and lets make no bones about this your choice is a lesser one - see below

      http://www.thecompleteuniversityguid...ings?s=English

      He has his degree - in a similar subject but cannot get a job because of this lesser uni. I appreciate that some of it may be his interview technique - but he is often not even getting interviews.

      Why do you want to spend 27000 quid plus the rest getting a degree from a uni which has no prestige. This country is littered with graduates who cannot get a job.

      Your parents want you to go to a London uni - because people from overseas have heard of London. They probably want you to do something like medicine or law or engineering as well. Obviously you could go to one in the big city - but equally you could go to somewhere like London Met which is even worse than your choice. Sorry I sound like a terrible snob - but these are facts.

      So what would I do - with the wisdom of age - if your exam results are not brilliant, I would retake some A levels and try to get into a better uni next year. As I said not what you want to hear
      What you don't understand is that going to University is one of the best experiences of your life and the debt you take on for it is money you are not going to miss. Law, medicine and engineering all lead to jobs that pay well but they are also all extremely long hours at university and when you get a job. Most people abroad haven't heard of any Universities outside of Oxbridge and the OP is likely to want to work in this country anyway.

      As for OP you could trying telling them how the time spent travelling from one side of London to the other could be better spent studying. Also make sure that they realise your offer is final and a London university is under no obligation to take you through clearing and Hertfordshire can refuse to release you.
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      Thanks everyone. I called a uni or two just now and one sent me an offer and the other rejected me, but of course I'm going to say they both rejected me. I made up a fake list of unis I called and I'm going to say that they all rejected me/said they were gonna contact me if they wanted me (but of course they won't). If my parents aren't satisfied with that then that's their problem. They can't say I didn't try. I'm going to put my foot down even harder now.
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      I am currently at Hertfordshire and it’s a great uni, lovely campus but I also understand why your parents are being stubborn about the situation. I think they want to feel a level of involvement in the situation, so perhaps let them. They only want the best for you and are worried you are taking the wrong path.

      Make it clear to them you have chosen this university not to be far away but to study something you are passionate about. I would suggest you take them to visit the campus and the facilities. You can book a tour guide and perhaps say ‘if you aren’t impressed then maybe i can reconsider other options’. If you want go and call the London unis, book a tour I am sure the herts campus will speak for itself over the London unis as they can get a little confusing and are at times spread all over the city where as herts is an enclosed campus.

      The uni isn’t far from north London at all. I would also suggest you say to your parents that you would like to live out first year and experience it. The campus/ study environment etc and will consider commuting from 2nd and 3 rd year onwards. A lot of my friends get the bus or train in from London and its reasonably priced.

      Also guide them through the student finance and put them in contact with student finance so they can get an understanding on how the fees/ cost work. As you only pay a small percentage of your salary, which in return is nothing to compared to the money you will earn with a successful degree behind you.

      Ulitmatley make them understand you want to succeed as they want you to. You don’t want to go to any old uni just because its in London. Tell them you want them to be proud that you’re going to a good uni and that English literature is an recognized highly as a degree choice and therefore any cost is worth that education.

      My mum wouldn’t let me go Hertfordshire either or live out and now I study there and am living there all three years, and she really likes it, so trust me when I say the above works, just be patience and always understand from their perspective.

      Goodluck.
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      Just go where you want. They can't keep your stuff and not give it as that's illegal.
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      Well I have a feeling that things won't go well next week, that I'm going to be backed into a corner where the only thing I can do is put my foot down and say no to whatever they tell me. They would kick me out, and I have no problem with that, it's just organising things for it that I'm trying to focus on right now. I plan to stay at my friends for a few days and see if there's any emergency housing my council can offer. I'm also going to see if my school can do anything about my situation. Is there anything else i should be thinking about or preparing myself for?
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      (Original post by geodude18)
      Well I have a feeling that things won't go well next week, that I'm going to be backed into a corner where the only thing I can do is put my foot down and say no to whatever they tell me. They would kick me out, and I have no problem with that, it's just organising things for it that I'm trying to focus on right now. I plan to stay at my friends for a few days and see if there's any emergency housing my council can offer. I'm also going to see if my school can do anything about my situation. Is there anything else i should be thinking about or preparing myself for?
      Try to make sure you have a casual holiday job too, since this will give you an income, see the council for any other help. There are also housing organisations that will help you if your parents do go 'all the way' on their threats and can therefore give you some emergency accommodation. You sound more positive now, and much stronger so you are ready for the inevitable perhaps now. What I do not understand is why this situation has occurred now? What on earth did they think was going to happen when you were putting your choices down on the UCAS form? Seems silly to be making all this fuss now. Frankly they have to respect you and let you go with their blessing. Controlling you in this way will only cause long term resentment within you and you will always think 'what if' if you do not go where you are the most happy. I hope you stick to your guns as I am certain you will be the most happy and the most productive in the long run.
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      You are 18, you have every right to demand your passport and they have no right to keep it from you.

      As for kitchen stuff, pound shop etc has basic stuff that you can get cheap.

      Just do what you want, your life love.
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      (Original post by geodude18)
      Well I have a feeling that things won't go well next week, that I'm going to be backed into a corner where the only thing I can do is put my foot down and say no to whatever they tell me. They would kick me out, and I have no problem with that, it's just organising things for it that I'm trying to focus on right now. I plan to stay at my friends for a few days and see if there's any emergency housing my council can offer. I'm also going to see if my school can do anything about my situation. Is there anything else i should be thinking about or preparing myself for?
      What happened?
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        You can contact the police to have them retrieve your passport if your parents won't surrender it. They have no right to keep it. Of course this won't help relations.
       
       
       
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