Advice for when the honeymoon period is over Watch

Anonymous #2
#21
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After the honeymoon phase is when all the real thoughts begin to come out, when people start to think that pretending to be awesome in every respect is tiring, surreal, whatever. Usually it's when people start to question whether the relationship was ever 'real', like 'he's not who I thought he was'. 'She's different now'. The reality is, each person is getting to know the reality of their partner.

That's the point.

The honeymoon phase, IMO, is actually the worst part of the relationship, because it's founded on a lot of pretence in most cases. Whereas after it, there's actually so much to discover; the real person. The biggest issue people have with this, in my experience, is expectation. If you don't expect your partner to be perfect, and you're realistic about it, the transition between honeymoon phase and reality becomes a lot smoother.

One thing I also notice all the time in the dying embers of the honeymoon phase is this paradigm shift in the way two people relate. It becomes a lot more about 'me'. For instance, the woman might say 'I'm just not that excited for sex these days', or the guy might say 'I'm not really a guy who talks about what's on the inside'. What people seem to forget is that they are in a relationship where two people have needs. Understanding the other person makes a tremendous difference to the outcome of any situation.

Take the dwindling sex scenario, which is probably one of the biggest issues couples have coming out of the honeymoon phase. Recent studies suggest that men are more action orientated, and actually more inclined to get their emotional needs fulfilled from sex, than women are. This is because, as we know, most guys don't do a lot of physical touching, hugging, with people other than their partner. So sex, for guys, is actually pretty important in a relationship in terms of physical human contact and keeping up self esteem. One study reported that a guy who was rejected continually for sex by his partner gained weight, became anxious and agitated and generally depressed.

Now, to me it seems simple. It's a case of empathy. We know women are the more approached sex, and generally, in relationships, men tend to do the brunt of the coming-on-to-their-partner. But ladies, forget that you're all insanely attractive and your partners want to have sex with you every ten minutes, for just a moment. Imagine instead, that he came on to you maybe once a fortnight, and every other effort for sex was initiated by you, maybe three to five times a week. And every time, apart from your once a fortnight when he dictated 'we're having sex', you were rejected. Now add on top of that the fact that as a sex pressured to be strong and independent, you had little or no physical contact with anyone else at any point during those two sexless weeks, apart from the occasional handshake at work.

You wouldn't find it hard to understand why little sex is such an enormous issue for your partner, then.

Or say for instance that a guy doesn't open up to his partner. Studies show women generally have tremendous support systems in comparison to men, engage in lots of physical touching with people apart from their partner and so don't require the same level of physical intimacy as men, but women also tend to get their emotional needs in a relationship fulfilled in verbal communication, non-physical affection, talking about problems, venting to their partners etc. Where sex is more often a man's key to release and contentment, open communication is more often a woman's. So if a man doesn't speak to his partner, she may very well feel left in the dark. Without non-sexual, non-physical showing of affection, a woman will likely fall into the same depression a guy might when deprived of sex. And a guy, simply by putting himself in her shoes, understanding it, can give her what she needs.

The same thing goes with anything, on both sides. Empathy. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to understand why something is an issue. Too often people out of the honeymoon phase try to invalidate their partner's needs, don't make the effort to understand the situation fully or just want to continue pretending everything's rosy and awesome. But it's actually not that difficult to just have empathy and address the issue.
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Stickman
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Any of advice for someone in LDR with the honeymoon period ending?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Stickman)
Any of advice for someone in LDR with the honeymoon period ending?
The same advice I'd give anyone. Communicate and empathize. Particularly in long distance relationships, share your worries, keep regular contact, fill your time up with hobbies, pursuits, interests. Keep busy and do the best you can to maintain a healthy level of humour between the two of you.

Send the odd gift. Surprise her, if you want to. Trust is a big deal in long distance relationships. Be realistic, going long periods without sex is hard, so skype, have a bit of fun.

If it's only for a short while, just remind yourself of that. It isn't gonna be long distance forever. Take the opportunity to do something you've maybe been putting off.
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ColouredTights
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(Original post by Stickman)
Any of advice for someone in LDR with the honeymoon period ending?
(Original post by Anonymous)
The same advice I'd give anyone. Communicate and empathize. Particularly in long distance relationships, share your worries, keep regular contact, fill your time up with hobbies, pursuits, interests. Keep busy and do the best you can to maintain a healthy level of humour between the two of you.

Send the odd gift. Surprise her, if you want to. Trust is a big deal in long distance relationships. Be realistic, going long periods without sex is hard, so skype, have a bit of fun.

If it's only for a short while, just remind yourself of that. It isn't gonna be long distance forever. Take the opportunity to do something you've maybe been putting off.
This is great advice I've been in a LDR for about 9 months with my boyfriend of 18 months and communication really is key.

We send little gifts to eachother and postcards too, it always brightens your day when you're reminded that they are still thinking of you. Also, skype, skype, skype!! People not in LDR might not see it as necessary, but it really is a great way to reconnect by just seeing your partners face again. After even a few days without a quick skype call I feel the distance growing and it gets harder.

There's also a few apps for LDRs, my partner and I have one called Couple (It's cheesy and some of the functions are a little cringey but overall it's a nice way to send pictures throughout the day to eachother wherever you go)

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. LDRs are hard, but so rewarding

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Anonymous #3
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I don't understand the "honeymoon phase". For me this big transition hasn't happened. I'm still really crazy about my boyfriend 5 years on.

I think the keys to a good relationship are open, honest communication, humour and putting the other person first. Really putting them first and always seeing things from their side. You have to appreciate them, and make them feel wanted and that they're the best (and believe that they are). Like they're a superstar - the sexiest, smartest, most interesting, funny, nicest person in the world. That you're so impressed by them. You have to believe it and show it all the time even if you're a bit annoyed or disappointed with them (which will always happen occasionally, but you talk about it and work it out). You have to listen to them and understand them. If you can do that, they will love you so much they'll give it all back 10X over. Then it's like a happy cycle.
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hexagonalRod
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(Original post by Plumstone)
Do people really spend the first year of the relationship just trying to impress each other and having sex?

I talked to my boyfriend about everything imaginable (politics, interests, goals, values, etc) openly and honestly from the very beginning. What's the point in getting to know someone only to find out that they've been giving a false impression all that time?

I don't feel I've had any honeymoon phase or post-honeymoon phase. I'm no less giddily in love than I was at the beginning (more so, if possible!) and I still make an effort with my appearance and in general, not to impress, but because I love my boyfriend and want him to have me at my best.

Do other people really experience such a sudden shift towards petty arguments or reduced affection?
I've been in both sorts of relationships, you have a really strong relationship compared to everybody else here. But I think it's important, cause generally, people don't know themselves when they are young (TSR has a young demographic).

Your relationship probably lacks a lot of mystery and drama. Which is a good thing, for sure, cos it is.. 'real' love.

People on TSR aren't, and shouldn't be getting into a relationship like that at such an early stage cause it will happen itself later on. Let nature run its course.
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hexagonalRod
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't understand the "honeymoon phase". For me this big transition hasn't happened. I'm still really crazy about my boyfriend 5 years on.

I think the keys to a good relationship are open, honest communication, humour and putting the other person first. Really putting them first and always seeing things from their side. You have to appreciate them, and make them feel wanted and that they're the best (and believe that they are). Like they're a superstar - the sexiest, smartest, most interesting, funny, nicest person in the world. That you're so impressed by them. You have to believe it and show it all the time even if you're a bit annoyed or disappointed with them (which will always happen occasionally, but you talk about it and work it out). You have to listen to them and understand them. If you can do that, they will love you so much they'll give it all back 10X over. Then it's like a happy cycle.

That takes a lot of patience and people aren't exactly read to commit themselves to that yet, not under 20s anyway.

But yes, once they decide to settle down, that is the best way to be ina relationship. I am in one, like yours, and I love my girlfriend to bits, and you sound exactly like her! (hopefully you aren't cos of what im about to say) but I feel like its getting too serious im only 19!
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BlueSheep32
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(Original post by Plumstone)
Do people really spend the first year of the relationship just trying to impress each other and having sex?

I talked to my boyfriend about everything imaginable (politics, interests, goals, values, etc) openly and honestly from the very beginning. What's the point in getting to know someone only to find out that they've been giving a false impression all that time?

I don't feel I've had any honeymoon phase or post-honeymoon phase. I'm no less giddily in love than I was at the beginning (more so, if possible!) and I still make an effort with my appearance and in general, not to impress, but because I love my boyfriend and want him to have me at my best.

Do other people really experience such a sudden shift towards petty arguments or reduced affection?
I kind of get what you mean here. Right now, I love my boyfriend more than ever, and somehow keep finding myself even more in love with him just when I didn't think it was possible! I still find myself feeling very excited about seeing him, even if the last time I'd seen him was only a few hours before, and I still miss him a lot when we're not together.

But the way we act around each other now is definitely different to how we did at the start of our relationship. Back then we were definitely both very keen to impress each other and not to annoy each other, and tried to fill every minute we were together with talking or some form of interaction, whereas now we're both a lot more relaxed and are quite content to spend time together but doing our own thing if that makes sense - we can sit in the same room while he plays video games and I read, and silences aren't uncomfortable anymore. We can still talk for hours about anything but we're also quite content not to talk and to still be in each others' company.

So I kind of disagree with you about the existence of the honeymoon phase. I think there comes a point in a relationship when the newness and excitement wears off, and you know the person inside out. For some couples, this is the point where they get bored, because it's just not as intense or exciting anymore and they're not compatible enough to move into the 'comfortable' stage if that makes sense, but for others, this is the point where they become more settled in the relationship and start to get to know each other even better and love each other more, where you realise you can still be in love with the person and live your own life too. That's my experience of the whole thing anyway.

I think to keep a relationship going, you have to keep letting the person know how much you love them, and how great you think they are, and just make them feel appreciated in general - there was a point in our relationship where my boyfriend started to take me for granted and only realised when we had a massive argument and I almost broke up with him. Generally though, if you're meant to be together, you should think they're the best person ever anyway and that's not difficult to do at all
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GuanyinBuddha
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Hello, I wish you happiness and well-being.

2 years next month, the best part is our little deal. For every Star Wars movie I make her watch I have to watch an episode of Glee or desperate housewives

tl;dr I like both Glee and desperate housewives..
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vickidc18
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4 years with my fiance and we have a 1 year old, my tips spend time away from each other have hobbies and interests apart but always spend quality time together, laugh together , compromise but always talk when something is annoying you as resentment builds and that is the fastest way to splitsville. The decrease in sex is normal we used to do it up to all the time when we first got together now we go 2 times a week because of kids, work and general life, try to kiss at least once a day or have a cuddle on the sofa intimacy is really important even if it doesn't lead to sex, don't let yourself go take care of yourself and I can't think of anything else
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BlindingLight
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What do you do if your other half keeps having petty arguments with you? Or goes bat-**** crazy if you disagree with her and state your own opinion?
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455409
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(Original post by Viva Emptiness)
Don't get too comfortable - try to maintain your 'air of mystery'. By which I mean don't take a dump with the door open, or shave your pits in front of them
Does her pooping during anal count as dumping with the "door" open?
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Viva Emptiness
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(Original post by james1211)
Does her pooping during anal count as dumping with the "door" open?
I'd say that was self-inflicted, tbh. So, no.
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Malevolent
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Need to compromise and communicate.
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sliceofcake
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(Original post by Blackshadow)
What do you do if your other half keeps having petty arguments with you? Or goes bat-**** crazy if you disagree with her and state your own opinion?
I'd prepare to sit them down and tell them it's not only their opinion that matters, and that you have problems with them believing that your opinion isn't valid. I've noticed that asking people why they're getting angry when they start shouting will go one of two ways: they get angrier, or they try and explain why they're so angry. In which case, you say please stop shouting and talk your way through it all. It gets boring, especially for the angry one, but as I've said before in such a situation, I'd rather get everything straightened out right now, and nothing can be helped if they don't tell me what the problem is.
Basically, a no-nonsense approach would help. Don't be aggressive but remain firm and unwavering; don't let them dismiss you or the conversation, don't give up, just get it sorted.
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CherryCherryBoomBoom
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(Original post by Plumstone)
Do people really spend the first year of the relationship just trying to impress each other and having sex?

I talked to my boyfriend about everything imaginable (politics, interests, goals, values, etc) openly and honestly from the very beginning. What's the point in getting to know someone only to find out that they've been giving a false impression all that time?

I don't feel I've had any honeymoon phase or post-honeymoon phase. I'm no less giddily in love than I was at the beginning (more so, if possible!) and I still make an effort with my appearance and in general, not to impress, but because I love my boyfriend and want him to have me at my best.

Do other people really experience such a sudden shift towards petty arguments or reduced affection?
Oh yeah, I've been the same with my boyfriend too. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really put massive effort into impressing him - I've just always pretty much been myself. Which is pretty good tbh, as it means I know he truly likes me for me . Whereas he did do a bit of trying to impress me in the beginning, but slowed that down a lot that after about a month into the relationship. Like, when we first met, he would go to museums with me just to spend time with me, even though he doesn't really like museums much. But now that he does already have me, it can be a big chore trying to get him to go places with me that aren't his thing :p:. I guess I would say there is a little bit of a honeymoon phase, but it's been a much more gradual shift in my own relationship.
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Radio
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Communication is a big thing for me, my ex practically handed me a shopping list of all the reasons why he couldn't stay with me and there were a lot of things that had happened over a year ago that had been causing him stress but he'd never discussed with me. It was a very drastic action to take over little things that could have been resolved a long time ago by either amending our actions or simply explaining them. Nobody is perfect and relationships always take a lot of work but it's a lot easier without waiting for a miraculous resolution.
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mary3434
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(Original post by Plumstone)
Do people really spend the first year of the relationship just trying to impress each other and having sex?

I talked to my boyfriend about everything imaginable (politics, interests, goals, values, etc) openly and honestly from the very beginning. What's the point in getting to know someone only to find out that they've been giving a false impression all that time?

I don't feel I've had any honeymoon phase or post-honeymoon phase. I'm no less giddily in love than I was at the beginning (more so, if possible!) and I still make an effort with my appearance and in general, not to impress, but because I love my boyfriend and want him to have me at my best.

Do other people really experience such a sudden shift towards petty arguments or reduced affection?
are you two still together?
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Plumstone
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(Original post by mary3434)
are you two still together?
Yep; three and a half years and counting

We're still very happy and being together indefinitely ("forever" sounds a bit soppy) is looking more and more likely to the point of being almost a certainty.

Why do you ask?
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mary3434
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(Original post by Plumstone)
Yep; three and a half years and counting

We're still very happy and being together indefinitely ("forever" sounds a bit soppy) is looking more and more likely to the point of being almost a certainty.

Why do you ask?
Congrats

I was just inquiring as to whether your non honeymoon period theory worked and it seems it does, some insightful words I have to say


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