BF said i could sleep around - how to make less tempting Watch

Willum Infanta
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#21
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#21
(Original post by nic-nac)
I don't understand it either. He said that he knows I have 'needs', which for several weeks at a time, he won't be able to satisfy. And if I come back to him, then it shows that I love him and the other guy(s) don't mean anything to me. I couldn't bare to tell him I had slept with someone else, but I couldn't keep it a secret from him either. He possibly would ask loads of questions to as he thinks he's probably rubbish at sex, but I've not got much else to compare him to so don't realise what I'm missing out on.
How long have you been with him? I know it's pretty typical thing for a TSR person to say but I think you would be good to split with him, you're young and have even said he doesn't satisfy you so to not cause him harm (well too much) I'd break up and then find someone new or enjoy singledom :yep:
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nic-nac
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(Original post by littlesmurfette)
Maybe I am wrong- but I cannot fathom why someone who wants to be in a serious relationship would give their significant other permission to sleep with other people. Especially if he has low self confidence. I really am finding it impossible to join up the dots here?

Either: a) he isn't taking your relationship seriously or b) he is sleeping around with someone else
We've been together for over 2 and a half years and known each other for 3. He first said it before we moved away. As it was we hardly ever had opportunities to have sex, let alone him with anyone else. Especially as his school was 30 miles away so he didn't know many people from our town. And he was definitely a virgin when we met, so it's not an ex he's still sleeping with. And he has almost 0% confidence with girls and doesn't pick up on flirting - I had to ask him out after he wasn't picking up on my flirting ! He was really surprised I liked him and said he would never have the confidence to ask a girl out.
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nic-nac
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#23
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(Original post by Willum Infanta)
How long have you been with him? I know it's pretty typical thing for a TSR person to say but I think you would be good to split with him, you're young and have even said he doesn't satisfy you so to not cause him harm (well too much) I'd break up and then find someone new or enjoy singledom :yep:
2 and a half years. He does satisfy me when I see him, trust me ! It's just going this long without sex is making me rather horny and tempted to flirt with other guys, especially because he said I could. I have pretty low confidence levels to. I do love him, its just hard going this long without him. It's probably a good thing I have low confidence and I'm not pretty else I would've properly flirted with more guys.
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Octopus_Garden
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#24
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(Original post by nic-nac)
But if he would dump me for it, why would he say I can, unless it is a test.
What people think they can deal with or how they think they would deal with it is often very different from what they can actually cope with or how they would actually deal with it.

I, like other users, suspect that your boyfriend (presumably 18-19 right?) is massively over-estimating how well he would deal with it if you went ahead and slept with someone else in between your trips to see him.

At the moment, he's given himself a false dicotomy of Either I lose her entirely, or I tell her that she doesn't need to be faithful and he thinks he's picked the logical conclusion.

However, if you act on this, his emotions will hit him like a tonne of bricks, and he'll be barely able to look at you.
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littlesmurfette
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#25
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(Original post by nic-nac)
We've been together for over 2 and a half years and known each other for 3. He first said it before we moved away. As it was we hardly ever had opportunities to have sex, let alone him with anyone else. Especially as his school was 30 miles away so he didn't know many people from our town. And he was definitely a virgin when we met, so it's not an ex he's still sleeping with. And he has almost 0% confidence with girls and doesn't pick up on flirting - I had to ask him out after he wasn't picking up on my flirting ! He was really surprised I liked him and said he would never have the confidence to ask a girl out.
I guess you know him better than me? But I can only give you advice from my own experience- and in my experience, this is never good.

I do think you need to question your relationship regardless of your boyfriends self confidence- a) you are tempted to sleep with someone else b) I do think you are speaking quite critically of him and c) this situation to me just doesn't make sense.

Men have a good way of creating masks for the different people they are with. Sometimes the mask slips after 5 minutes- sometimes it can take 20, 30, 50 years.
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Spongebob'sPants
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I cant decide whether he is already having sex with other girls, and has given you this "green light" in order to assuage his own guilt, or whether he is doing damage limitation in his own mind by giving you "permission" to have sex with other guys.
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Bassetts
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#27
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(Original post by nic-nac)
He does satisfy me when I see him, it's just I've never been this long without sex, the 3 weeks at the start of the term before our first visit was bad enough and this is going to be double that ! Luckily I don't go out clubbing and/or get really drunk. And when I do, I'm usually in a state to realise its a good idea not to start texting guys. Although one texted me, so I did reply, and ended up being quite flirty, but only because in my tipsiness, decided he was being flirty (his message could easily be construed as being flirty, but it was a joke) !
boohoo, there are those of us who haven't had sex for 20+ years.

i agree with WGR. your bf knows you will cheat so this is his way of trying to forget about you. you said you were really tempted to have sex with one guy, so that says it all really.
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ChocoCoatedLemons
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Seriously, you have fingers, just use them. Or buy a vibrator, Ann Summers is having a sale.
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bazookabrad
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Sometimes I'm ashamed to be living on the same planet as people like the OP and her so-called "boyfriend".

But to be fair I was once "one of them"... or something similar, I've cheated and done "immoral" things too, but since then I've grew up, been in love, been heart broken, found an appreciation for being with somebody and what it actually means, raised standards and improved my person...

As well as, gained an overwhelming (almost definite misogynistic) sense of bitterness towards SLUTS
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lou_100
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First, that's not a relationship honey.

Second, I'd be devastated if my boyfriend said he didn't mind if I slept with multiple others.

Third, I thought perhaps he didn't care about you or the relationship and was secretly sleeping around himself...until you described his shy, low confidence personality. Now I suspect he probably does care a bit, but is so desperate to keep you he is being an absolute idiot thinking you will leave him to get with other people at uni. Therefore, in order that you don't leave him, he is giving you "permission" to sleep with others to satisfy yourself, and in actual fact he would be pretty devastated, but would suffer in silence because he weirdly doesn't want to lose you.

But then, he is weak and is misunderstanding the concept of an adult relationship by about 10 miles. He sounds quite immature and oddly attached/obsessed with keeping you that he'd do anything - something quite strange and not at all what a relationship is about.

It's already heading that way, but if you sleep with someone else you've ended any relationship that was there. Even if you continue to be "in a relationship" with him, you never will be. Eventually you will realise you don't need him after months of hurting a poor confused immature boy and dump him. Want to save this relationship? Don't do it and tell your boyfriend you want him and only him. Want to destroy it slowly? Cheat on him.

I think you should just end it now.
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nic-nac
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#31
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#31
(Original post by lou_100)
First, that's not a relationship honey.

Second, I'd be devastated if my boyfriend said he didn't mind if I slept with multiple others.

Third, I thought perhaps he didn't care about you or the relationship and was secretly sleeping around himself...until you described his shy, low confidence personality. Now I suspect he probably does care a bit, but is so desperate to keep you he is being an absolute idiot thinking you will leave him to get with other people at uni. Therefore, in order that you don't leave him, he is giving you "permission" to sleep with others to satisfy yourself, and in actual fact he would be pretty devastated, but would suffer in silence because he weirdly doesn't want to lose you.

But then, he is weak and is misunderstanding the concept of an adult relationship by about 10 miles. He sounds quite immature and oddly attached/obsessed with keeping you that he'd do anything - something quite strange and not at all what a relationship is about.

It's already heading that way, but if you sleep with someone else you've ended any relationship that was there. Even if you continue to be "in a relationship" with him, you never will be. Eventually you will realise you don't need him after months of hurting a poor confused immature boy and dump him. Want to save this relationship? Don't do it and tell your boyfriend you want him and only him. Want to destroy it slowly? Cheat on him.

I think you should just end it now.
I find your post patronising and full of ignorance. Did you even read my opening post!?! I don't want to cheat on him. That's the point of this thread. I wanted advice on how to cope, not lectures calling me a slut, telling me to end it or masturbate. But I love him and trust him and want to be with him. That's the point of this thread. I'm after advice on how to feel less tempted. I don't want to sleep with other guys, but I can get rather horny.
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nic-nac
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(Original post by bazookabrad)
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Sometimes I'm ashamed to be living on the same planet as people like the OP and her so-called "boyfriend".

But to be fair I was one "one of them"... or something similar, I've cheated and done "immoral" things too, but since then I've grew up, been in love, been heart broken, found an appreciation for being with somebody and what it actually means, raised standards and improved my person...

As well as, gained an overwhelming (almost definite misogynistic) sense of bitterness towards SLUTS
I'm not a slut and I never want to be one. That's the point of this thread. Can you not read!?!?
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nic-nac
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#33
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(Original post by Octopus_Garden)
What people think they can deal with or how they think they would deal with it is often very different from what they can actually cope with or how they would actually deal with it.

I, like other users, suspect that your boyfriend (presumably 18-19 right?) is massively over-estimating how well he would deal with it if you went ahead and slept with someone else in between your trips to see him.

At the moment, he's given himself a false dicotomy of Either I lose her entirely, or I tell her that she doesn't need to be faithful and he thinks he's picked the logical conclusion.

However, if you act on this, his emotions will hit him like a tonne of bricks, and he'll be barely able to look at you.
yeah he's 19, I'm 20. I think you're right and that why I couldn't do it to him.

(Original post by Spongebob'sPants)
I cant decide whether he is already having sex with other girls, and has given you this "green light" in order to assuage his own guilt, or whether he is doing damage limitation in his own mind by giving you "permission" to have sex with other guys.
youve never met him. My thread wasn't even asking about him, it's about me. Did you not read the part where I said his confidence is so low he still wonders how/why I am sexually attracted to him after all this time !?!?!?!?
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littlesmurfette
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(Original post by nic-nac)
yeah he's 19, I'm 20. I think you're right and that why I couldn't do it to him.

youve never met him. My thread wasn't even asking about him, it's about me. Did you not read the part where I said his confidence is so low he still wonders how/why I am sexually attracted to him after all this time !?!?!?!?

Do you actually realise what you are saying makes no concieveable sense? Why would someone with rock bottom confidence want their girlfriend to sleep with someone else? Hardly going to do them any favours is it?
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Spongebob'sPants
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(Original post by nic-nac)
youve never met him. My thread wasn't even asking about him, it's about me. Did you not read the part where I said his confidence is so low he still wonders how/why I am sexually attracted to him after all this time !?!?!?!?
Which is why one of my theories i stated is that he is doing 'damage limitation'. He probably feels/fears you're going to cheat/sleep with someone else, and so in his mind, if he says its ok, it will either hut him less as he expected it (and controlled it - again in his mind), or that he is making it less attractive to you by giving his "permission".

Are you actually asking how to make it less tempting to sleep with someone else?
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Conzy210
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If you're tempted, and considering sleeping with someone else the relationship is over. Simple as that.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and of course I fancy a **** while she's gone, but not with anyone else, just her, hence why I'm trying to make it work despite the distance.
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Rakas21
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(Original post by nic-nac)
My boyfriend said he didn't mind if I slept around a bit at uni during our long distance relationship as long as I didn't turn into a complete slut, or get pregnant/diseased. I wouldn't do any of those, but I don't think I could sleep with anyone else. But now I've gone nearly a month without seeing him and at least another couple of weeks, it is getting tempting. I know I'm not very pretty, and so far only two (desperate) guys have come onto me. One was easy to say no to, the other one was really tempting though. It turned out he had a girlfriend and wasn't in such an open relationship with her, so changed his mind. Although I have ended up flirting with a couple of guys, whom I thought might be interested in me, but it turned out they aren't .... Anyway ... considering I don't think I could sleep with anyone else, how do I make it less tempting to try to, or to flirt with guys at all ? Luckily the guys I have flirted with didn't pick up on it.............................. ................................ ..... By the way, my boyfriend said he wouldn't do anything with anyone else. I trust him, he has really low confidence levels and wouldn't pick up on flirting anyway. Plus he's petrified of him getting me pregnant, especially what his catholic mum would say, let alone if he got random girl pregnant. ...... so what do you suggest? ...... inb4 someone suggests 'masturbate' ....................
OP, the fact that he would allow you to be 'tainted' while being in a relationship indicates that he is weak, for that it may be better to break up.

As it is i can guarantee that if you actually act on what he's said then your relationship will be over, when a girl cheats that in the guys mind is a "she does not love me anymore" moment. It will either cause resentment or distrust.
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nic-nac
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#38
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(Original post by Conzy210)
If you're tempted, and considering sleeping with someone else the relationship is over. Simple as that.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and of course I fancy a **** while she's gone, but not with anyone else, just her, hence why I'm trying to make it work despite the distance.
im just horny in general. I would love it if my boyfriend could visit more. I only think about wanting to have sex with him. I've never fantasised about anyone else. But when I'm horny and it seems as if other guys are interested in me then it can become slightly tempting.
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nic-nac
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(Original post by Rakas21)
OP, the fact that he would allow you to be 'tainted' while being in a relationship indicates that he is weak, for that it may be better to break up.

As it is i can guarantee that if you actually act on what he's said then your relationship will be over, when a girl cheats that in the guys mind is a "she does not love me anymore" moment. It will either cause resentment or distrust.
How many times do I have to repeat that I don't actually want to sleep with anyone else. I don't think I physically could. But I get incredibly horny and need to control my feelings, when I know I can't have sex with my boyfriend.
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littlesmurfette
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(Original post by nic-nac)
How many times do I have to repeat that I don't actually want to sleep with anyone else. I don't think I physically could. But I get incredibly horny and need to control my feelings, when I know I can't have sex with my boyfriend.
Have you tried having phone sex with him? I'm not going to say it is the same- but it can be good fun. Especially if you have Facetime/Skype
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