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    Pierre looked at the crumpled cowpoke across the table. There was no trace of Jed's customary bravado. He had reached the end of the line and knew it. Even if he were found innocent of the murder of the greasy biker pimp his life in Cutter's Creek was over.
    More likely was life + 200 years in the Supermax if he managed to beat the chair. That was no life at all for someone who loved the great outdoors like Jed.
    "Well Jed it's not looking good right now. How 'bout you tell me what happened at Mamma Sarah's this afternoon ? It is all a bit confused from where i'm sitting ..."
    Jed raised his weary head and moistened his chapped lips with his tongue. The same tongue which could have been licking Shaney and Loretta's intimate areas if he had not gone and shot Goatface.
    "Well Sir, it is like this. I have been a secret ornithologist ever since i was in high school." Pierre blanched visibly. He had heard rumours that there were people like this living under the radar in respectable family communities. He had never thought that he would meet one face to face.
    Struggling to retain his composure the lawman spoke slowy to his client: "Now Jed, are you sure what you just told me ? An ornithologist ? In Cutter's Creek ?"
    Jed nodded then relapsed into silence.
    Pierre asked the jailer to take Jed back to his cell. Then he requested the items which had been found upon Jed's person when he was arrested at the truck stop.
    The khaki fannypack was handed over by Sheriff Daly, who watched with amusement as Pierre carefully inspected the contents.
    A grease-stained reporter's notebook... containing what appeared to be notes and sketches of birds. Surely this could not be true ?
    With quivering hand he turned over a tattered paperback book: "A Field Guide to the Migratory Birds of the Mississippi Delta" by J Franklin Letterman. The evidence was damning.
    Finally an expensive ex-military spotting scope as used by the Ranger Scouts in Iraq. Damn.
    "Hehehe, we got ourselves an Or-knee-thaw-law-geest" sneered the Sheriff, spitting a foul stream of tobacco juice into the wastebin by the door.
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    Dwayne began to realize that this could be the end. Clearly Gilbert was not in a forgiving mood. Hell yeah he had given Gilbert a hard time. So what ? the little creep had deserved it. And that business with Jessica...
    In freshman grade Jessica had received a series of anonymous love letters written in felt tip. She had shown them to Dwayne when they were making out behind the bleachers at the football field. Dwayne recognized Gilbert's prissy writing. He encouraged Jessica to reply to them and pretend that she was falling for Gilbert's non-existent charms.
    After a few months they grew bored of the jest. Jessica invited Gilbert to her home when her parents were out. When he arrived, expecting a romantic encounter the door was open with a note saying "Come right upstairs honey XXX". Gilbert mounted the stairs with mounting excitement. When he reached Jessica's room she was naked... and being ****ed hard by Dwayne.
    Gilbert had fled in tears, dropping the bunch of roses for which he had saved up so hard.
    Jessica and Dwayne found this highly stimulating and went on to have the best sex ever.
    Shortly after Gilbert had left Fillingham High for unspecified reasons.
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    Jessica was now frantic with worry. She had been looking all over the lakefront area for Dwayne. Several of his buddies said they had seen him in the Oak Street area but they were all the worse for wear with drink and drugs so could not help pinpoint the exact location. The residents she had spoken to all expressed their concern and promised to contact her if they saw Dwayne.
    Even people whom she would not have expected to care had turned out to be really sympathetic.
    Although many of the residents of Oak Street worked in the finance industry they had all appreciated the cute cheerleader's problem, and offered sensible advice. Several had also asked whether she wanted a strings-free financial check up. There were several offers of dinner from single guys too. Jessica politely declined them all.
    Now she was getting to the end of the upscale cul-de-sac.
    At number 13 Oak Street she had not even had time to knock on the door when it was opened and she came face to face with Gilbert Meakins. She felt a little guilty about the way she and Dwayne had teased him years before. It was still amusing though, the way he had burst into tears on seeing her being ****ed by Dwayne.
    Physically Gilbert was now better developed than Dwayne. Years of gym work and marine training had stripped away the puppy fat. His dweebish spectacles had been replaced by high-end contacts. Jessica could see the edges of tribal tattoos under his tight figure hugging t shirt. Despite her anxiety she felt her lady juice begin to flow.
    "Oh hi Mr Meakins, ermm Gilbert ! Do you remember me... Jessica Sharpe... we were in freshman year together at Fillingham High ? And this is Mandy Lewenstein who was there also ?"
    "Of course Jessica. I remember. Miss Lewenstein." he replied in a friendly voice, although his icy blue eyes told a different tale.
    "How may i help you ?"
    "Well my ermm fiancé Dwayne was trick or treating in your street tonite but i cannot find him anywhere. Me and Mandy have looked all over but he has just vanished ? Maybe you have seen him ? Perhaps he came to your house ?"
    "I am sorry to hear that, ah, Wayne has gone missing... perhaps you should call the police ? You can use my phone if you like,,,
    it's just in the vestibule"
    "No... i don't think we need to get the police involved just yet ? He may be sleeping off the booze somewhere...thanks anyway Gilbert."
    Jessica decided not to give him her cell number. Call it instinct.
    "So when are you planning to get married Jessica ?"
    "Excuse me ?"
    "You referred to Dwight as your fiancé just now ?"
    "Er... i think you mean Dwayne. We are just kinda living together ...you know ?"
    "Living together .... copulating every night, like married folks..."
    "OK Gilbert it was great meeting with you again...we gotta go now"
    "Of course ladies. It was a pleasure to renew our acquaintance Jessica. Miss Lewenstein."
    Gilbert moved to close the door. As he did so the girls heard a loud thump from inside the house, and what sounded like a muffled scream.
    Jessica's cornflower blue eyes narrowed in suspicion. The scream sounded like Dwayne when he was about to come.
    "I'm sorry Gilbert... we heard a scream from inside ?" she asked the husky ex-marine.
    "Hahaha yes indeed... that was my pet orang utang Boris. He often screams when he hears visitors ? I brought him back from Afghanistan."
    "Oh thanks for explaining Gilbert ! He sounded a bit like Dwayne..."
    "No problem ladies. Now i must go and feed Boris. Good luck with your search "
    Jessica turned to Mandy. Another false hope dashed to pieces.
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    Troy, Don and the hos walked across the scruffy yard in back of Mamma Sarah's truckstop. At the far end by the broken fence which separated the property from the encroaching bayou stood, or rather slumped, a decrepit RV. Don gingerly opened the door, and recoiled from the smell which burst out from within.
    "Jeez what does that woman keep in here ?" he ejaculated.
    As if in answer a procession of mangy cats emerged from the interior of the insalubrious vehicle. They were immediately attracted to Troy and wound round his ankles purring with pleasure. Troy was allergic to cats and felt his chest constrict with an impending asthma attack.
    He turned tail and ran to the safety of his SUV at the front of the truckstop. The cats followed as far as the entrance to the café where they sat down and began licking each other in the doorway.
    "C'mon big boy" said Loretta to Don "looks like you have to look after both of us now !!" she winked at her pal Shaney.
    The tattoed ladies dragged Don into the noisome depths of the RV and began to disrobe. Don was still getting used to the overpowering stench of the cats; clearly their sanitary arrangements were less than optimal.
    He removed his stained cowpoke outfit and helped the ladies remove the last vestiges of their modesty.
    He stepped backwards to obtain a better view of their charms. Unfortunately his foot landed in a large clump of fresh cat turds.
    He screamed imprecations at the wayward felines and looked around for something to clean himself with. Draped across the small sink was a pair of Mamma Sarah's substantial underpants. They were just the thing for removing the disgusting mess on his foot. "Hehehe Mamma gonna get a surprise when she puts those back on" he chuckled. His companions joined in with the merriment. Soon the happy trio were getting to know each other much better.
    Troy could see the ancient vehicle begin to rock as the party got under way. The cats were staring at him insolently from the stoop of the café. He opened the window a crack; the sounds of lust were clearly audible from the end of the yard.
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    Dwayne could hear the conversation between Jessica and Gilbert quite clearly. He knew that this was probably his last chance.
    Summoning all of his remaining surfer strength he rolled sideways off the bed. As he fell he screamed his partner's name, before striking his head on a china chamber pot and losing consciousness.
    The contents of the pot trickled over Dwayne's insensate bonce. He did not hear the front door closing and Gilbert's heavy footsteps returning to the bedroom.
    "Well Mr Surfer, it looks like you have wiped out !!" the deranged ex-marine chortled. He gave an exploratory kick to Dwayne's groin to check if he was faking. "You can stay on the floor if you don't like the bed you *******".
    Gilbert switched on his ancient hi-fi system and inserted a cassette. Soon the unmistakeable sounds of the Beach Boys filled the room. Gilbert danced around the room laughing as he mimicked Brian Wilson's falsetto. After a while he tired of this and decided that Dwayne needed to play a more active role in the proceedings. He unzipped and carefully began to urinate on the upturned face of his enemy. Dwayne blinked as the golden stream washed over his head. He closed his mouth too late and began to cough as the bitter liquid made its way down his throat.
    "Please Gilbert stop. I will do anything you want. Just stop" then Dwayne began to sob.
    "You do know why this is happening don't you dickwad ?" his captor enquired.
    "I guess it was me and Jessica at High School ?"
    "Excellent guess. But you must never speak her name again. You are not worthy of her."
    "No you are right Gilbert. It was Jessica's idea...." Dwayne screamed as Gilbert's combat boot broke his ribs.
    "You said her name"
    "I am sorry Gilbert. Please let me go."
    "OK, I am just going to take some pictures and then you can go."
    Dwayne could not believe his ears.
    "Thank you thank you Gilbert. I will never bother you again; and i will get Je.... her to apologize to you. I know she finds you
    really attractive and would like to **** you."
    "That's good to hear Dwayne. Now we are going to make a movie...."
    • Thread Starter

    Jessica and Mandy were by this time mentally and emotionally exhausted. Their Hallowe'en outfits were in disarray and they were both hungry.
    They decided to crash at Mandy's which was nearer than Jessica's upscale condo ? They made their way to the small clapboard dwelling and were soon asleep. Jessica dreamed of golf; she kept losing her ball, and as soon as she approached the green it receded a hundred yards. Mandy dreamed of finding Dwayne and keeping him for herself.
    In the morning the girls walked back to the burger bar where all their trouble had started. Over Double Cheese Royales and coffee they made a fateful decision. They would go to the Sheriff's office and ask them to investigate Dwayne's disappearance. They had both checked their cells to see if he had texted or phoned but there was no trace of him.
    Half an hour later they were seated in Sheriff Daly's office drinking more coffee and nibbling on Krispy Kreme donuts.
    The Sheriff had evidently being having trouble with one of the prisoners in the cells. His knuckles were bleeding and he looked worried.
    He had known Dwayne and the girls since they were knee high to grasshoppers. Dwayne was a decent enough kid but no angel.
    Sheriff Daly had busted his surfer ass for under age drinking and smoking pot more than once. But compared to his late brother Duke he was a saint.
    He knew that it was out of character for Dwayne to go missing like this.
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    Mandy nudged Jessica and whispered to her.
    Jessica nervously addressed Sheriff Daly; "Sheriff Daly, is there any chance that Dwayne's disappearance could be connected to, um, you know, Ornithology ?"
    The lawman's bitter eyes narrowed. "Ornithology ? What does a pretty young cheerleader know about that ?" He spat more tobacco juice into the wastebin where it curdled around the remains of a Krispy Kreme. "I have known your family since way back, young lady. Your Pa would be ashamed to hear you talkin' about Or-knee-thaw-lo-gee. Your Ma too, if she were still alive."
    Jessica looked down shamefacedly. "Ah'm sorry Sheriff... it is just that i am clutching at straws. There are rumours in town about ... you know. People have seen vehicles parked up on the bayou and men with binoculars... they draw their own conclusions ?"
    "While ah'm Sheriff of this town there will be no Or-knee-thaw-lo-jeests. In Cutter's Creek we enjoy looking at birds ...down the barrel of a rifle, and blowing their feathered asses to kingdom come !!" he chuckled, causing great ripples from his multiple chins to his grossly distended abdomen. "Ain't that right Claude ?" he addressed his gnarled deputy. "Damn right Sheriff. Blow those beaky mother****ers right off their surfboards... hehehehe" he explained.
    "As it happens ladies we got ourselves one of them weirdos in the cells right in back. If you like you can have a look see !!" offered Sheriff Daly, twirling the large bunch of jail keys in his oversized mitt.
    Jessica and Mandy exchanged nervous glances. They had never expected to come face to face with an actual living ornithologist... the prospect was both intriguing and scary.
    "Nothing to worry about ladies, me and Claude here will keep an eye on you. Ain't that right Claude ?" the morbidly obese lawman winked.
    "Damn right Sheriff, you are safe with us, and no mistake." the gnarled assistant replied.
    "Follow me ladies"
    The huge lawman hauled his great bulk from his naugahyde covered Lay-Z-Boy recliner and waddled over to the gun rack. He selected a pump action shotgun and grabbed a handful of shells from the desk drawer.
    Claude drew his sidearm and led the way to the cell block in back of the Sheriff's office.
    There were four cells of which the first two were empty. The third contained a tattooed lady with dyed blond hair. She screeched at the Sheriff "When are you gonna let me see my lawyer dammit ? I ain't done nothing wrong. You and Clyde both know me personally ... i always give you a discount. Now let me go !!"
    "Sorry Shaney you need to post bail this time. $5000 bucks then you can get your pretty ass back down to Mamma Sarah's"
    "**** you needledick. **** you both." Shaney replied.
    "That sounds like fun, eh Claude, but we are busy right now " he replied, a fresh mirth party erupting in his vast blubber vats.
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    Mamma Sarah twirled her badly dyed blond hair with a nicotine stained finger. It had been a day to remember. A real doozy of a humdinger. First of all Jed Mullins had gone and shot Goatface McGee the house pimp over some ornithology nonsense. Then Shaney and Loretta had managed to set fire to the old RV in back while they were partying with Jed's buddy Don Gibson.
    Several of her cats had been singed and the fire department had evacuated the truckstop as they suspected that there were gas bottles in the RV which could explode. Meanwhile the police had arrested Shaney for soliciting and felony assault after she attacked Don who had refused to pay the $40 fee as his orgy was interrupted by the fire. Loretta had accepted the situation stoically and the cops let her go with a caution.
    Fortunately the fire chief had let Mamma Sarah re-open in the evening, and she had enjoyed a full house as people turned up at the café to see what was happening.
    Troy Baker had helped with the emergency at the truckstop and had accepted Mamma Sarah's offer of a club sandwich and a beer. Now he was on his way to Pier 29, the lakeside Pizza joint where his fianceé Nancy was waiting impatiently for him to help in the kitchen.
    Fortunately a lot of customers had been diverted to the truckstop but there were still half a dozen tables to serve. She only had Julio the one-eyed Mexican and his wife Concepción to help. Neither of them spoke English but were hardworking and cheerful.
    Nancy encouraged them to wear traditional Mexican outfits which were much appreciated by the customers. Julio had grown a huge black moustache and wore a sombrero, Concepción wore a hand woven dress and llama skin boots.
    Troy swung his five-year-old SUV into the parking lot. He took the wooden steps up to the restaurant three at a time. Pushing open the batwing doors he made his way to the kitchen, nodding to regular customers who greeted him warmly. Business was good at Pier 29, but Troy knew that it could easily evaporate. Only dedication and hard work could bring success. Dedication, hard work and a reasonable amount of luck.
    Julio had already fired up the brick pizza oven and the first orders were nearing completion. Troy quickly swapped the positions of the Quattro Stagione and the Meat Feast to enable the latter to benefit from the higher temperatures at the back of the oven.
    "Bien hecho Julio. Estas pizzas se ven bien. Usted ha tomado gran cuidado de su bigote. Su esposa es como una sandía" he thanked the hirsute immigrant.
    Julio grinned mysteriously and his diamond tooth implant sparkled impudently in the light of the pizza oven flames.
    • Thread Starter

    All of the above installments can be read together at


    no parakeets were harmed in the writing of this novel.
Black Friday: Yay or Nay?
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