My boyfriend seems to think i'm dumb. Watch

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Brit_Miller
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#21
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#21
(Original post by annie_)
Well I may have exaggerated, I mean they ask silly questions such as how to use a plastic punch pocket (you know, the ones you use in folders).
I understand their plight :lol:
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Bale90
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#22
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You've got a degree with decent grades, and you've got a respectable job. Sounds pretty good to me. I bet your boyfriend is very smart and looks like Gerard Butler.
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annie_
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#23
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(Original post by Brit_Miller)
I understand their plight :lol:
They are ridiculously fiddly :lol:
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Plantagenet Crown
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I think it's really harsh that he jokes about you apparently being rubbish at everything. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that that could hurt someone quite a lot. Maybe he isn't as clever as you think he is?
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gustavus
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(Original post by Hellcat12)
Cannabis....no wonder he has emotional intelligence bordering to a toothpick.
I don't want to be mean but this guy is using you as a shield against his insecurities about himself. He insults you to balm his own faults, why should you be the Dummy?
This is the guy who is impressed by women showing talent on the screen but doesn't see how teaching is a demanding profession, the one his girlfriend has chosen.
You are probably mistaking his talents as being great.
everyone has talents, numerous ones...he should learn to respect you rather than joke about it. If he fails to do that, just walk away.....
Excellent post!

There is complete difference in being hideously bullying/humiliating you, and gently teasing and finding your foibles endearing.

My OH is hopeless at anything musical - couldn't hold a tune in a bucket, and can't beat time with a marching band... This is endearing and is teased, as is my madly bizarre clumsiness (people stand in wonder at it!). OH is hugely intelligent first class degrees, doctorate etc- foibles make us human... Who wants perfection?? Yawn!

They are not something to be bullied over, which it sounds you are!

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Caedus
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Intelligence is inversely proportional to common sense therefore you're smarter than your boyfriend gives you credit.
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Dilzo999
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(Original post by gustavus)
Excellent post!

There is complete difference in being hideously bullying/humiliating you, and gently teasing and finding your foibles endearing.

My OH is hopeless at anything musical - couldn't hold a tune in a bucket, and can't beat time with a marching band... This is endearing and is teased, as is my madly bizarre clumsiness (people stand in wonder at it!). OH is hugely intelligent first class degrees, doctorate etc- foibles make us human... Who wants perfection?? Yawn!

They are not something to be bullied over, which it sounds you are!

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Sorry, but what does OH stand for?
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pinkbullets
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Having read the post regarding a girl who finds her boyfriend to be thick, I wanted to write this as I have a similar story, but it's me who's on the receiving end, and I have a partner who seems to find me that way.

I went to a redbrick uni, completed a more 'traditional' degree, with a decent grade, and now work in the teaching profession. I also have quite a good level of speaking in a foreign language. When it comes to spelling, grammar, etc. I am fine with that, my problem is that I seem to have no common sense at all.

I am not a great cook; I don't know why but I often seem to mess something up. I can be clumsy and spill things, muddle things up, and the like. I sometimes come out with daft comments, for example yesterday I completely forgot what a square root was and my boyfriend laughed at me.

I read about current affairs, watch a lot of films, etc. But i'm not particularly talented at anything. I enjoy art and singing, but i'm not that good at either of them, whereas my boyfriend is talented in many things, and there is no way I can ever compare.

I am not envious of this, I am very happy for him and try to help him celebrate his achievements, but I feel like I can never impress him or teach him anything new.

He jokes I'm rubbish at everything, and I go along with it, but it hurts. It's silly but now if we see a girl on TV singing, playing an instrument, or someone's art, etc. he always seems really impressed, and I feel a bit insecure.

He gets annoyed with me a lot because of clumsy stuff I do, and I am really trying to become better, but I feel like I can't help it. This has caused a lot of arguments, and he recently told me he feels like he's living with his daughter, he can't trust me, etc. which hurt me immensely.

I even announced that I was going to leave, because he was clearly sick of me, and he agreed and said he was fed up etc. We had been having so many arguments, I had ended up getting upset, and I was sick of him having a go at me.

Then at the last moment, he told me he didn't want me to leave, he'd miss me, and he was sorry. We're still together, but sometimes I don't know for how long. I know he loves me and he's with me, but if he thinks i'm an idiot, is that really going to make him happy in the long-term? How can I change? Thanks so much.
If this was my boyfriend all hell would have broke loose by this point.

Next time he says something snarky to you say "look, this is the way I am. You either want to be with me or you don't. Make up your mind because I'm not going to stay with someone who spends half his life belittling me". Throw a kitchen utensil at his head for good measure because he sounds absolutely horrid.
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Rock Fan
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#29
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks a lot for all of your replies, i'm very grateful. I haven't mentioned this, but he smokes cannabis daily, and I am wondering if that has any effects at all on his temperament? Sorry if it sounds stupid, I don't take any sort of drug myself so I don't really know much about the effects this could have.
Whether he does that or not, he should not be treating you like that, you deserve better.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Having read the post regarding a girl who finds her boyfriend to be thick, I wanted to write this as I have a similar story, but it's me who's on the receiving end, and I have a partner who seems to find me that way.

I went to a redbrick uni, completed a more 'traditional' degree, with a decent grade, and now work in the teaching profession. I also have quite a good level of speaking in a foreign language. When it comes to spelling, grammar, etc. I am fine with that, my problem is that I seem to have no common sense at all.

I am not a great cook; I don't know why but I often seem to mess something up. I can be clumsy and spill things, muddle things up, and the like. I sometimes come out with daft comments, for example yesterday I completely forgot what a square root was and my boyfriend laughed at me.

I read about current affairs, watch a lot of films, etc. But i'm not particularly talented at anything. I enjoy art and singing, but i'm not that good at either of them, whereas my boyfriend is talented in many things, and there is no way I can ever compare.

I am not envious of this, I am very happy for him and try to help him celebrate his achievements, but I feel like I can never impress him or teach him anything new.

He jokes I'm rubbish at everything, and I go along with it, but it hurts. It's silly but now if we see a girl on TV singing, playing an instrument, or someone's art, etc. he always seems really impressed, and I feel a bit insecure.

He gets annoyed with me a lot because of clumsy stuff I do, and I am really trying to become better, but I feel like I can't help it. This has caused a lot of arguments, and he recently told me he feels like he's living with his daughter, he can't trust me, etc. which hurt me immensely.

I even announced that I was going to leave, because he was clearly sick of me, and he agreed and said he was fed up etc. We had been having so many arguments, I had ended up getting upset, and I was sick of him having a go at me.

Then at the last moment, he told me he didn't want me to leave, he'd miss me, and he was sorry. We're still together, but sometimes I don't know for how long. I know he loves me and he's with me, but if he thinks i'm an idiot, is that really going to make him happy in the long-term? How can I change? Thanks so much.
Why are you just thinking about his happiness?. You don't seem to be very happy in this relationship.Do you think YOU are going to be happy in the long run with him always putting you down. So you can't cook and your clumsy, it does not mean you're dumb or that you are a failure(It seems to me that your boyfriend is putting such thoughts in your head). You must have loads of good qualities and if he chooses to ignore those and only focus on these "flaws" then I think you would be better off without him. He loves me and he's with me are not good enough reasons to stay with him. He should be supportive and he should respect you as well.
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Anonymous #3
#31
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#31
Sometimes, you can insult somebody in to doing something. Calling somebody clumsy might make them more likely to be self-aware, for example.

I probably used to be a bit like your boyfriend in that I used to make fun of people in hope of getting them to do something about it like taking up a class in something or generally just trying harder at something they are insecure about.
I learned the hard way that sometimes this bullying tactic can go the wrong way and you can really do more damage than good.

I think that you should :
1) tell him how those jokes aren't funny -- laughing at them and going along with them was probably wasn't the best idea
2) Look at yourself and see if you really do have no talents etc. If not and it really botheres you them go and fix it You can only get better by doing stuff. Given your answer about how jealous you get of people with some skills/talent - I think you should
3) Evaluate the relationship. If he keeps on bullying you after you have told him you don't like it and (depending on your response to 2) have made an active effort to try and improve yourself then maybe he isn't worth it.

I hope you feel better about yourself soon and the arguments stop
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Mankytoes
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As a fellow clumsy preston, I don't think it's something you can change. Stubbing my toe every few weeks is incentive enough.

Sounds like a pretty miserable relationship to me, I'd say break.
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Anonymous #1
#33
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Thanks so much for all of the replies, they have really made me feel stronger and willing to be more assertive, as well as making me feel better about who I am and my achievements
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gustavus
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(Original post by Dilzo999)
Sorry, but what does OH stand for?
Sorry - it means other half!

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FlavaFavourFruit
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Relationship is on a ticking bomb...he doesn't seem to appreciate you as much as you do to him
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gustavus
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The other thing that occurs to me: the 'daughter comment' I can imagine would be really hurtful.

Is he one of those blokes who will only be in a relationship with someone he can feel superior to??

If he is it would be in his own interests to keep you in the one- down position?

Many years ago I worked with domestic abuse survivors - so many of the abusers tried to convince their often academically brighter women that they were pieces of turd, and any qualifications they had were worthless. These abusers just could not cope with their women being more able than them, so acted in this horrible way. Sadly in the end the women started believing it....

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gustavus
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Also often blokes say stuff like - I'm only joking/can't you take a joke?

The fact that you find it belittling and demeaning is enough..... regardless what he thinks!

Another thing he sounds like he feels he is the arbiter/judge of what you 'should know' and how you 'should behave'. If he can't tolerate /enjoy you as a person as a whole, suggest you find someone that does!

Time to take some control, as this is what it is, back!

Why don't you show him this thread!!

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gustavus
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This reminds me: please don't let this happen to you, you deserve better ...

A childhood pal has just got rid of total douchebag bloke, sadly after 2 kids. How she has changed makes me weep.

She was with him eleven years. She is a very senior, very respected senior teacher, both from within and outside the profession.

I saw her change: from a fun- loving , engaged with life, creative person with many enriching friendships and interests, to a shell of herself. She has no confidence any longer in herself, thinks she is ugly, so is now borderline agoraphobic going out only to work (she's lovely and always has been!). She thinks she is fat (as he tells her continually... *******! ).. she's a size 14 after 2 kids, so below the UK average. It felt like all the life had disappeared from her... She stopped having opinions /thoughts of her own - it was all - mark says this , mark doesn't like that....

She's stopped all her hobbies after he continually informed her she was 'no good' and 'people were just humouring her' -she played semi- professional music - people loved her music! He professes himself cleverer than her, and that she isn't any good at anything not even competent at her degree subject... Eg.. He refused to 'let' her send a letter to school, tearing it up, as he judged it as 'rubbish' - he is a painter and decorator with no qualifications - not even gcse's, she is an Oxford University English graduate......

She was always an assertive person. I would have never, ever have guessed this would have happened, to my beautiful, on the inside and out, friend.

When we first met him so long ago, we liked him. We were a bit worried that she was a 'trophy' girlfriend for him. Even tho different from her usual boyfriends, he seemed charming and funny! It's what she saw until they moved in together....

What followed seemed a sustained programme of belittling and victimisation and abuse and isolation from her friends. She found out years later, that when they left the area, all us friends' many letters/phone messages had been intercepted by him. He had told her that she obviously had been dropped by us as 'no one was interested'...

This makes me so sad and angry that at the time she needed us most, she thought we didn't care...

He just was a pathetic 'little' man with no real saving graces-the only way he could shore himself up was by making her feel bad.

She is soooo happy now he's gone. Her kids are in long-term therapy - they need it, sadly. It will take an age for her to get back to herself after his sustained campaign to annihilate her.


Please don't feel you have to change for ANY bloke, any change should be what, when and how you like it.

Just because he loves you... So what?
Just because you're there and he is.... So what?
So he'll miss you.... What miss having someone to put down?

To me, it would not be enough for me to stay...
I would want someone who thought I was awesome and who was rushing home to be together...

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Anonymous #1
#39
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Hi, just to give some updates. He lost £20 from his pocket somehow the other night, and was in a pretty bad mood, so started calling me a douche and making up that i'd 'made a mess' of a letter, because i'd wrote something slightly bigger than I should have done. (It was to give to the town hall, and there was absolutely no problem with the letter from their side when I gave it in)

I tried to be assertive with him and to make him calm down, but he was still the same so I just went to read a book in order to avoid him for the rest of the evening.

Things were fine after this, until last night. I wanted to treat him to something so I bought him a takeout. I asked him what he wanted, and I got everything he asked for. However, I made a mistake with the sauce and drink. He complained because the sauce was not correct. However, the sauce he had wanted was a sauce I did not even know existed, it is very specific, and I was not offered it by the restaurant. Secondly, he had not asked me to get him this sauce in his message.

Apparently the drink I got him he hates, which I admit I should have remembered, but I got him a lot of nice things to eat, everything he had wanted, so I apologised for the drink and tried to make light of the situation. However, he did not even seem grateful at all for me buying him a meal, and instead started yelling about me always making mistakes, and not being able to do anything right, all of the usual stuff (All this over a drink, and a sauce that I did not even know about!!)

I felt that he was being ridiculous, and I tried my best to defend myself but he was really mad again, so I left the room.

Then, the full-blown argument escalated. Apparently he can't have a simple conversation with me, i'm crazy, I am constantly doing stupid things, and I'm useless, I make him stressed, all that sort of stuff. I haven't told him about this thread, but I tried to remember the advice people had given me.

I told him that he needs to start focusing more on the good and stop getting so mad over such petty and ridiculous things (such as the sauce...) I acknowledged that I do made some daft mistakes occasionally, which inconvenience him, but I always apologised a lot, tried to put them right, and I wouldn't make the same ones again.. I told him my concerns about the daily cannabis use, and he just thought it was ridiculous.

I tried to point out mistakes he had done recently, in order to show that everyone makes them, we're just humans (such as losing money, and making a big mess in the bathroom, which I cleaned myself, without complaining) of course he had an excuse and somehow turned them around to be my fault.

At this point i became infuriated; saying that he really seems to think he's perfect and incapable of mistakes, and he did not even deny that. This was becoming ludicrous, and I said I couldn't take it anymore. I said that i'm sure his next girlfriend will be perfect and flawless, and he said if he could find someone the opposite of me, it would be brilliant.

We exchanged a lot of heated words. I tried to tell him that he needs to stop saying i'm not very intelligent, at least i've got a degree, stuff like that, and just because I don't play an instrument or something, he acts like he can never be impressed by me.

We spent a bit of time apart, then he came into the room and sat with me, and told me even lies to his colleagues about me to make me sound like less of an embarrassment. I asked him if he's more stressed than happy with me, and he said he wasn't sure.

I told him I can't take it anymore, and if he's not happy with me, how can he see himself being happy with me 5-10 years down the line? We didn't talk much more about it, but things were a bit calmer, and he said he loved me, etc. I've given him so much chance to leave if he's not happy, but he hasn't yet. I feel like it's just a matter of time, though.

He's with his family all weekend, which is great as we need some time apart. I just have no idea at all what to do next. I've told him our relationship is very unhealthy and things need to change, but I don't know what to do. I love him a lot, and I just want to continue peacefully, with no arguments. How can I make things change?

He admitted he was being a jerk last night, and I made him apologise, as did I. I told him I hoped he had respected me more because that was one of the first times i've ever stood up to him in that way.
Sorry in advance for the length.
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lizlaz350
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You don't come across stupid at all, you seem well rounded and capable.

It's really unfair of him to make you feel bad about yourself, he's treating you badly by doing this.

In your last post he sounds near on abusive. I'm not quite sure why you're with him.
You're obviously intelligent, you've got a university degree and a well respected job yet he thinks you're an embarrassment and lies to his friends about you? That's quite a big deal, why would you put up with that?
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