Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

I'm 28 and haven't had any friends since I was 13 Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for all the responses guys really appreciative about them all.

    (Original post by Stevenishungover)
    Don't drink alcohol? You live in Northern Ireland trust me I know, not drinking is very very rare.
    I don't think it is, Northern Ireland has a large Christian community, a lot of Free Presbyterians here. Infact one of my "acquaintances" who I no longer know, was a born again, no swearing, no drinking guy, who got married after I lost contact with him and had a child exactly 9 months later.

    I don't drink because I come from a very alcoholic family where alcohol has led to violence and anger. My parents drink every night and have being do so since I was born, so not drinking was like breaking away from all that.

    (Original post by Stevenishungover)
    Final note- England to Northern Ireland I assume still have your English accent I spoke alot of drinking in bars. Well you should know which places to avoid by now with your accent. Enjoy and try not to lose your knees.
    I know that was said with tongue and cheek but if you want to know my real background, I was born and bred in England to Irish catholic parents, so my nationality confuses people here. Catholics here see my as Brit/prod, protestants, if knowing my background, see me as a taig, I do come from a nationalist family, but I'm not overly political myself. I'm kind of a foreigner to both sides which is a bit of a problem.

    (Original post by Stinkum)
    Anyway, there are more important things in life for you to focus on. Studies, work, money...doesn't leave much room for extra things like making friends.
    But what is the point of my life if I'm just working, going home to no friends or family and that's it? Surely there's more to life than that?

    I only got a 2.2 in Electrical and Electronic engineering. I'm redoing my a levels and heading to the ROI in order another degree (hopefully Dentistry). I didn't work hard enough last time, largely because I was totally depressed about my social life. I couldn't get motivated to study hard because I didn't see the point in my life, I became suicidal shortly after and had to receive counselling.

    I've worked hard at improving my life, my social skills are better through using CBT, I've worked hard at breaking my social anxiety, mainly by putting myself in more social situations and forcing it rather than avoiding the world. I'm trying now, I wasn't before.

    I suppose the only thing I can do is put myself out there more. The more social opportunities I create and the more social situations I'm in, the more likely I can break my social anxiety/troubles.

    The problem I have is I don't know if its realistic I can make friends, is it unrealistic for me to believe I can live a life other than what I've got?
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmm, sounds kind of similar to myself except I've realized that I actively avoid making friends. I'm so used to people walking away from me in terms of friends/relationships that I do it before they can. So everyone is kept at a distance. I don't know your story but maybe this is something you're subconsciously doing too? I don't have a solution. I just always expect the worst of people. Maybe try some social groups and try to be positive/optimistic.
    Life is what you make of it. If you want to be 'that guy' with all the friends, you need to go out and be friendly with everyone. Get your friends to introduce you to their friends and be friendly with them. Doesn't take too long before everyone knows you and likes you.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi all,

    I'm a (nearly) 28 year old male who is more or less a major social outcast. The last time I had any significant social life was so long ago it was when I was a child, say around 13.

    At that time I fell out with some of my friends and those ended up becoming my bullies (yeah lovely). So at age 14 I ended moving school from England to Northern Ireland because of this, where I still reside.

    When I came here, I was too afraid to make friends, and in addition to which I had social anxiety which meant that people would also avoid me because I was so strange/socially awkward. I've since been to university (and looking to go back to do a second degree) but ever since I've absolutely had no social life whatsover. Here some examples of what my lack of sociallising has led me to do.

    - I've never had a girlfriend/kissed a girl/still a virgin (virtually impossible without a social life, no opportunities)
    - I've never had facebook/bebo/myspace (haven't got any friends to do so)
    - I don't drink alcohol (no reason to, who am I going to drink with?)
    - I have very few contacts on my mobile phone (around 10 say at most)
    - When travelling, I've always had to go alone (nobody to go with otherwise)
    - I've never been to a nightclub (no reason to, end up looking like a weirdo otherwise)

    People will accuse me of avoiding people, but really the truth is, I avoid people because nobody wants to bother with me and make it blatently obvious, so I feel I have to live like this.

    I've used to be very suicidal over this, a couple of years ago, but then had therapy and have got my life on track a bit more now. I've cured my social anxiety somewhat and I'm more confident when speaking to people now.

    Is there anyone else who lives like this? I know I'm almost certainly going to die a virgin without any social life, if that never picks up.


    I'll be your friend :yes: feel free to PM me. I know of someone who was in a similar situation and to overcome such things they joined a sports club, instead of being withdrawn they became outgoing and volunteered within charity organisations. Also there are social platforms where you can meet people and you know even try to become friends with the acquaintances on your phone. Ask them out for a drink or so and who knows you may become good friends with them and they'll introduce you to their friends. Be optimistic, open and smile. Life is what you make it I'm sure you'll make some good friends in due time.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    OP, how much spare time/budget do you have? One of my best friends moved up to Scotland a few weeks ago, and she doesn't know anyone in the area but she is already doing fine and has made friends, despite the facts she works what might be seen as "long" hours (weekends, sometimes) and based on what she told me her salary was I imagine she doesn't have much time to spare. I know she's very sociable and puts herself out there. Honestly, you'll be fine, you just have to put in the effort.

    Do you have any hobbies/play any sports/have any interests that involve socialising? Meetup.com is a good place to start, joining a sports club is another (even if you don't play a sport it's a good way to start exercising if you don't already. Local hiking/running clubs are often very friendly).

    I would also recommend seeing your GP about your depression if you don't already.

    Best of luck
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    It's good that you are being proactive and seeking support! It usually tends to be half the battle.

    What are your interests? There are lots of clubs and stuff that you can join. I like film for instance

    It's good that you have done CBT, and glad it works. Do you still see a counsellor? They tend to have a v positive effect generally.

    Volunteering for charities is a great one, as the people who work for them tend to be accepting, and are very happy to have you around to help.

    Sports, as mentioned above, is also a good one. Though I imagine it takes quite a lot of guts to get into a team based sport with social anxiety - though there are always things such as running clubs etc. In my case I like chess (geeky/nerdy I know - though not had time to try a club out).

    Well done on your degree! Best of luck in your dentistry application if you go through with it!
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    i m kind of the same, i took my facebook down in 2009 because the experience was just lonely, getting birthday message by fb message, a downgrade from a text decreasing every year, and the fact people can close there groups after college/uni. if i reactivate my old account, i would not have many new people to add and it would just be awkward. you can PM if you like, i m also thinking about going back to college but don't have much support network also.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    I'm a (nearly) 28 year old male who is more or less a major social outcast. The last time I had any significant social life was so long ago it was when I was a child, say around 13.
    First, don't call yourself a "social outcast"; Society gives far too many people names who don't necessarily conform to strict of pattern of having something by a particular age. Just because they do, doesn't mean you have to. You are who you are regardless.

    At that time I fell out with some of my friends and those ended up becoming my bullies (yeah lovely). So at age 14 I ended moving school from England to Northern Ireland because of this, where I still reside.
    They weren't friends then. They were intolerably fake and not worth even mentioning in your post.
    When I came here, I was too afraid to make friends, and in addition to which I had social anxiety which meant that people would also avoid me because I was so strange/socially awkward. I've since been to university (and looking to go back to do a second degree) but ever since I've absolutely had no social life whatsover. Here some examples of what my lack of sociallising has led me to do.
    Have you seen a doctor? You have mentioned social anxiety; This could be part of a broader and more pervasive illness. At least try, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts.


    - I've never had a girlfriend/kissed a girl/still a virgin (virtually impossible without a social life, no opportunities)
    - I've never had facebook/bebo/myspace (haven't got any friends to do so)
    - I don't drink alcohol (no reason to, who am I going to drink with?)
    - I have very few contacts on my mobile phone (around 10 say at most)
    - When travelling, I've always had to go alone (nobody to go with otherwise)
    - I've never been to a nightclub (no reason to, end up looking like a weirdo otherwise)
    You don't need any of these to make or maintain friends. People place the accent on them, true, but they are largely superfluous in the warmth of human connection. Those who won't be friends with you because you participate in any of the aforementioned activities are not worth making friends with...

    People will accuse me of avoiding people, but really the truth is, I avoid people because nobody wants to bother with me and make it blatently obvious, so I feel I have to live like this.
    Loneliness often saps the soul, but if you go out with this mindset you are virtually killing your chances in making friends anyway. How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself? Cliche , I know, but the futility of the situation will only be accentuated if you don't address these concerns.

    I've used to be very suicidal over this, a couple of years ago, but then had therapy and have got my life on track a bit more now. I've cured my social anxiety somewhat and I'm more confident when speaking to people now.

    Is there anyone else who lives like this? I know I'm almost certainly going to die a virgin without any social life, if that never picks up.
    There are many people like this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am glad that you are getting your life back on track... Think positive. Smile at people. Say hello. Engage in conversation. Easier said then done, but I promise, those things can go a long way.

    Good luck.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    That's a shame. I'm sure one day you'll have the chance to do what you haven't done yet. May I suggest doing some voluntary work? A charity shop may be a great way for you to socialise with people in your free time. Visiting a library may also help if you try striking up a conversation with someone over books and what not, or maybe someone will strike up a conversation with you?! Good luck! We all go through painful stages, and we just have to move on and look forward to the future.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    To be honest I'm much in the same situation, I've had to remake friends or a 'social circle' 3 times now which is a bit depressing.

    The first time was when I moved to secondary school, all my friends from primary school just stopped spending time with me, even talking with me so I had to make some new friends.

    The second time was obviously in secondary school in year 9, it took until year 12 before I could really call these new friends real friends, a year later they all went to uni (I didn't) and despite me trying to keep in touch they just gradually stopped talking/replying.

    The third time I'm still in the cycle of, when I started work (as opposed to uni) I was fortunate to start around the same time as another person, similar age and interests. There are a couple more people who I get on with in work as well. The problem with this circle of friends (well I think they're friends?) is that they all have friends outside of work, so I don't want to force myself on their circle of friends so at the moment my social life has taken a huge tumble to literally nothing, I'm trying not to let it get to me though

    The worst thing about me as a person though is how long it takes me to trust someone I have met, I'm one of those people that is really quiet when a person first meets me but when I get to know you I'm just like any other person. I guess you could call that a confidence issue and it probably is but I'm not quite sure how you go about changing my current situation.

    Ah well things can only get better
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)

    But what is the point of my life if I'm just working, going home to no friends or family and that's it? Surely there's more to life than that?

    I only got a 2.2 in Electrical and Electronic engineering. I'm redoing my a levels and heading to the ROI in order another degree (hopefully Dentistry). I didn't work hard enough last time, largely because I was totally depressed about my social life. I couldn't get motivated to study hard because I didn't see the point in my life, I became suicidal shortly after and had to receive counselling.

    I've worked hard at improving my life, my social skills are better through using CBT, I've worked hard at breaking my social anxiety, mainly by putting myself in more social situations and forcing it rather than avoiding the world. I'm trying now, I wasn't before.

    I suppose the only thing I can do is put myself out there more. The more social opportunities I create and the more social situations I'm in, the more likely I can break my social anxiety/troubles.

    The problem I have is I don't know if its realistic I can make friends, is it unrealistic for me to believe I can live a life other than what I've got?
    Look...this is really tough. I wish I could provide some useful advice or tell you that things will change in the end, but I can't quite say that.

    The bit I highlighted has really struck a chord with me, I can completely relate to that. It's something that causes me a great deal of stress. I used to be a model student, top of my class. Then I experienced some major depression for a couple of years and it completely ruined my studies. Now, I've resumed my studies and trying to make a change. This is why I'm telling you, don't let this happen to you again. You have to do whatever you can to make sure that whatever is going on in your personal/social life, don't let it affect your career or your future.

    I don't know...I'm not making any sense right now. Look, the generic advice is as follows: keep working on your social skills, keep making an effort to motivate yourself and keep trying to make friends, eventually, enough time will pass and life will get better, as long as you put the effort in. Now, do I truly believe in that? No. I've tried to make myself believe it, but I've gotten nowhere with it. Right now, I'm trying not to let it affect my academic performance, I wish to become the model student that I once was, the type of student who worked extremely hard and never let anything get in the way of my studies or academic achievements.

    But enough about me. Read the comments that have been posted by the other people, there is some great advice on there. But the only person who can change your situation is you, it all rests with you. Keep doing what you feel is best, that's all I can say really. Sorry, I've never been good at giving advice, I always tell people that I'm the last person to ask for any sort of advice.

    Lastly, I'll just say to you to keep trying to make an effort. If there's any person that you run into or see on a regular basis, try to initiate a conversation or something, don't be afraid of getting rejected. Don't isolate yourself. Don't dwell on negative thoughts and emotions. Keep working hard to improve your life, socially and otherwise. Life without friends and family is absolutely miserable, trust me when I say that. Don't end up like me, keep trying to change and to better yourself.
    • #5
    #5

    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    Life is what you make of it. If you want to be 'that guy' with all the friends, you need to go out and be friendly with everyone. Get your friends to introduce you to their friends and be friendly with them. Doesn't take too long before everyone knows you and likes you.
    Thanks, but I think you misunderstood me - I know what to do to make friends, I just don't particularly want to make any which is a shame I guess.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks, but I think you misunderstood me - I know what to do to make friends, I just don't particularly want to make any which is a shame I guess.
    So what was the point of the thread then? lol. The whole OP was you moaning about not having any friends.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    So what was the point of the thread then? lol. The whole OP was you moaning about not having any friends.
    They're anon 5, not the OP.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by moonkatt)
    They're anon 5, not the OP.
    ah k
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Don't worry you're not the only one. I know lots of people, who once they have graduated university for example; move back home when their friends are scattered about leaving them feeling lonely and asking themselves how to meet new people.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Stevenishungover)
    With a name like brightonlad im gonna assume you are not from Northern Ireland but you might be so whatever.

    So please tell me all about the Northern Irish problems that still exist today.

    It's not a stereotype its just simple facts. I'm from Northern Ireland I was born in 1 area and into a religion I don't nor have I ever practiced yet I still know some bars are meant to be avoided because of the way I was born that's all. The bars in question and yes they are on both sides of this so called 'war' are the smaller bars that the older bigots dwell in and cannot let go of stupid **** so no matter how nice you may be simply of how/where you were born they can discriminate against you. Even in my own 'side' I still avoid their bars with the bigots on my again so called 'side' because I don't share their views and they would discriminate against me.

    So unless you know everything about growing up and living in Northern Ireland kindly keep your opinion to yourself. If you don't live here you know nothing.
    I know a lot about perceptions being from Protestant lineage and living for quite a few years in strong nationalist areas in Northern Ireland -- I think with the progress made since even the 90s is vast and to say some silly remark about minding kneecaps is just belittling to Northern Irish people.

    But, even in harder times nationalists never really gave a flying hoot about the English. The English bear no threat to their quest for independence given that Northern Ireland's current British status is self-determined. Bitterness, where it exists, is directed towards unionist Northern Irish.

    The most you'll get is a bit of light-hearted banter, from experience. It's a great country.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by brightonlad89)
    I know a lot about perceptions being from Protestant lineage and living for quite a few years in strong nationalist areas in Northern Ireland -- I think with the progress made since even the 90s is vast and to say some silly remark about minding kneecaps is just belittling to Northern Irish people.

    But, even in harder times nationalists never really gave a flying hoot about the English. The English bear no threat to their quest for independence given that Northern Ireland's current British status is self-determined. Bitterness, where it exists, is directed towards unionist Northern Irish.

    The most you'll get is a bit of light-hearted banter, from experience. It's a great country.
    You talk of "light hearted banter" and yet condemn me for implying someone is getting kneecapped simply from where they are from. You clearly don't know how to have a bit of craic in Ireland/Northern Ireland. The guy I directed it towards took it as was intended a bit of fun joke tongue in cheek as it were.

    Please tell me more how little the nationalists and the terrible terrorist organisations associated with them during the 'harder times' cared about the British occupation of Northern Ireland?

    Yes, we have come a long way and me being from the younger generation the majority of the bitterness and hatred has washed away but it still is an ongoing and very real problem in Northern Ireland and will still be a problem for the foreseeable future.

    Some people say we are fully at peace however why is the walls still up in Belfast? "peace walls" yea Berlin had the same sort of thing in the 90's they took it down but go to Belfast and it still separates the communities. Even the people like myself who care nothing for the politics still stay away from the other "sides" are because it is not safe. Why do we still have bombs being found on a weekly/monthly basis? Yes they don't go off most of the time but still are being found. Why do we still have people being 'kneecapped' and beaten if we are totally at peace?

    We are far along than we ever dreamed we could ever be at this stage but it exists it only takes a short trip out from the city centres to find it. And when you do, pray to whatever fake god you believe in that you are wearing the right colours.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi all,

    I'm a (nearly) 28 year old male who is more or less a major social outcast. The last time I had any significant social life was so long ago it was when I was a child, say around 13.

    At that time I fell out with some of my friends and those ended up becoming my bullies (yeah lovely). So at age 14 I ended moving school from England to Northern Ireland because of this, where I still reside.

    When I came here, I was too afraid to make friends, and in addition to which I had social anxiety which meant that people would also avoid me because I was so strange/socially awkward. I've since been to university (and looking to go back to do a second degree) but ever since I've absolutely had no social life whatsover. Here some examples of what my lack of sociallising has led me to do.

    - I've never had a girlfriend/kissed a girl/still a virgin (virtually impossible without a social life, no opportunities)
    - I've never had facebook/bebo/myspace (haven't got any friends to do so)
    - I don't drink alcohol (no reason to, who am I going to drink with?)
    - I have very few contacts on my mobile phone (around 10 say at most)
    - When travelling, I've always had to go alone (nobody to go with otherwise)
    - I've never been to a nightclub (no reason to, end up looking like a weirdo otherwise)

    People will accuse me of avoiding people, but really the truth is, I avoid people because nobody wants to bother with me and make it blatently obvious, so I feel I have to live like this.

    I've used to be very suicidal over this, a couple of years ago, but then had therapy and have got my life on track a bit more now. I've cured my social anxiety somewhat and I'm more confident when speaking to people now.

    Is there anyone else who lives like this? I know I'm almost certainly going to die a virgin without any social life, if that never picks up.
    step 1: take up sociable sport/hobby
    step 2: join appropriate group/club
    step 3: socialise with fellow members
    step 4: make friends, improve confidence
    step 5: socialise with friends, meet girls
    step 6: have sex with girls, improve confidence

    continue to repeat steps 2-6 as appropriate.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 7, 2014
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What newspaper do you read/prefer?
    Useful resources
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.