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Poem I wrote- opinions? Watch

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    (Original post by Temporality)
    Hey there, do you mean which emotions specifically influence my writings? Not sure i quite understand what you mean by outweigh...
    What I wanted to know was which emotions are often to read in your poems? are there any emotions which do you prefer?
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    (Original post by Kallisto)
    What I wanted to know was which emotions are often to read in your poems? are there any emotions which do you prefer?
    I think darker, uncomfortable emotions, such as sorrow, anger, guilt, regret, questionning, are in my poetry, since people don't really want to hear about these things in real life. In real life they always want to be around positive people so it makes it easier for me if I can put my sorrow into art forms. Otherwise it would be hard to deal with my sorrow I guess. Hope this answered your question
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    (Original post by AlexKay99)
    A*
    Sarcasm? lol
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    (Original post by Temporality)
    Sarcasm? lol
    No I really like it!
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    (Original post by AlexKay99)
    No I really like it!
    Oh haha. Thanks for commenting .
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    Writing free verse is like playing tennis without a net. I'm not overly fond of its lack of metre pattern, rhyme or themes, but admittedly that's a prejudice.

    As for the subject matter, it's an interesting one - that evil begets evil (a Nietzsche reference perhaps?), though I felt it needed more depth in explaining the jump from the first half to the second half of the poem. I'm also not certain whether the beguiling tone of the narrator is a clue that this is someone's conscience we are listening in on or that the speaker is directly questioning the reader (I hope the former).

    It does have a purpose - which is nice to see in this corner as often the poems are written for the sake of sounding poetic - but generally I feel it's a little too vague. What do you mean to "crash and crumble" and "destroy"? Who are the "periphery'? The last line in particular is almost entirely disconnected from the rest of the poem due to its ambiguity. There's no social context or subject-specificity or anything at all to give even the smallest hint about what this destructive reaction is referring to. Inviting speculation and subjectivity is great, but only if grounded opinions can actually be made by referring to the text, which I don't think they can from what is on offer. The only possible interpretation I can see being made is for terrorism, though that's a stab in the dark.
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    (Original post by maskofsanity)
    Writing free verse is like playing tennis without a net. I'm not overly fond of its lack of metre pattern, rhyme or themes, but admittedly that's a prejudice.

    As for the subject matter, it's an interesting one - that evil begets evil (a Nietzsche reference perhaps?), though I felt it needed more depth in explaining the jump from the first half to the second half of the poem. I'm also not certain whether the beguiling tone of the narrator is a clue that this is someone's conscience we are listening in on or that the speaker is directly questioning the reader (I hope the former).

    It does have a purpose - which is nice to see in this corner as often the poems are written for the sake of sounding poetic - but generally I feel it's a little too vague. What do you mean to "crash and crumble" and "destroy"? Who are the "periphery'? The last line in particular is almost entirely disconnected from the rest of the poem due to its ambiguity. There's no social context or subject-specificity or anything at all to give even the smallest hint about what this destructive reaction is referring to. Inviting speculation and subjectivity is great, but only if grounded opinions can actually be made by referring to the text, which I don't think they can from what is on offer. The only possible interpretation I can see being made is for terrorism, though that's a stab in the dark.
    Not terrorism - the poem is on a personal level. It's actually about how someone who is sickened by the horrors that they have seen and is kept awake at night by their own thoughts, and can't cry anymore, yet can't suppress the wail, the cry, the emotionality. Anyway they become embittered and acrid and take out their hurt on those that begin to surround them in their lives, the new people they become close to i.e. those in their periphery and inflict the same pain on others they once felt themselves, the same pain that much traumatised them, because it is easiest for them. However they don't talk about their emotions because they are so damaged by this whole process. Can you see that meaning in the poem?
    P.S. Thanks for replying.
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    (Original post by maskofsanity)
    Writing free verse is like playing tennis without a net. I'm not overly fond of its lack of metre pattern, rhyme or themes, but admittedly that's a prejudice.
    Also I'm not going to lie I use free verse because I don't know any better. I never have ressearched rules of pattern, metre and rhyme and learnt about them. I prefer to express myself in a more free, liberal untutored way because it comes naturally to me. I want to get into learning more about metre etc but I have my suspicions it will bore me and put me off poetry. I like this freedom of free verse.
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    It's very dark, but very good
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    (Original post by skd1996)
    It's very dark, but very good
    thanks for commenting
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    Modifications made, if you're into poetry (and can offer advice) or just read and have an opinion please let me know so I can improve
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    (Original post by Temporality)
    Some responders have found subject matter unpleasant so please consider before reading. I was just using the poetic medium as a channel for experience and a way of dealing with emotion.


    Are you horrified by life?
    Recoiling at its after-taste.

    The people and the signs in the streets
    jitter randomly with soft menace
    signifying nothing and offering no comforting truth.
    Luridly lit faces in the doorway
    and the bleary letters only read as confusion...
    Encaged for the night in limbo.

    That other time,
    Did you see his neck swell up:
    The rope tinged blue to match
    Your silent disillusionment.
    Just another sight.
    It's one fright too many.

    You can't wail a cry anymore,
    though you can't suppress its voice,
    under your sheets at night like a child...
    To wail makes us weak,
    so
    Instead you rise up
    and enmesh
    and enmesh
    and entangle
    and ensnare
    others in the plight you know.

    You set your sights on sin
    Because the looming mallet returns
    silently in your nocturnal phantasy
    to say hello
    and knock you to the ground.

    Why wait? Why trust -
    it's too winding a street
    the tight strait sheet
    - when you could destroy
    Crash and crumble those in your periphery
    those who seek love
    until they too are acrid
    bitter
    alone.

    And there's
    one
    too
    many a
    sign.

    You won't talk about it,
    will you?





    voilà
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    (Original post by the bear)
    [/CENTER][/CENTER]

    voilà
    haha thanks. so more descriptive sentences to pad out ideas?
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    (Original post by Temporality)
    haha thanks. so more descriptive sentences to pad out ideas?
    always use an obscure word where possible. smash through the complacency of these gerbils. scrape their effete middle class sensibility down the broken window of reality until they scream I LOVE YOU TEMPORALITY
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    (Original post by the bear)
    always use an obscure word where possible. smash through the complacency of these gerbils. scrape their effete middle class sensibility down the broken window of reality until they scream I LOVE YOU TEMPORALITY
    sanks baybeh! you can be my groupie n i will be yours
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    ...sounds so detached.

    Well done, and you have the equivalent of a blessings.
    I'm not good at literature so I cannot offer a very good review but it's definately a lot better than what I could've done.

    P.S. I'm not religious person.
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    (Original post by XcitingStuart)
    ...sounds so detached.

    Well done, and you have the equivalent of a blessings.
    I'm not good at literature so I cannot offer a very good review but it's definately a lot better than what I could've done.

    P.S. I'm not religious person.
    Lol. a blessings?
    X
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    Needs more suicide
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    (Original post by Acidy)
    Needs more suicide
    Ok, care to make a serious comment?
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    Incredibly depressing, cheer up. But well-written.
 
 
 
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