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Had one good day before I get upset again with her... Watch

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    (Original post by iamu)
    I suppose you just need to trust her OP that they are just "friends"
    I'm trying to, but I seem to be having lots of problems doing so. I am just so worn down with feelings of sadness, inadequacy and depression right now.

    I am just hoping that my trip to see her will fix any insecurities I do have, though I'm doubtful, as I will probably just find something else to obsess over. I guess, if things don't go so well over the next few weeks, its time to end it, and focus on putting myself right.
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    Okay I would say this:

    If she hasn't done anything in the past for you to reasonably suspect there's something else going on, then you have to assume there isn't. If you start getting jealous and needy and suspicious, that's a big turn off for her subconsciously and maybe consciously too. Try to contain your jealousy and remember all the things that make you guys great as a couple. Think about how unlikely it is that she would throw that away, and that she wouldn't betray your trust like that. Think about the positive stuff.
    Besides, I'm sure the other things like her not talking as much sometimes means absolutely nothing. Sure, it could be because of this new friend, but it's unlikely to be for romantic reasons. It's obviously in the nature of people to prioritise those who are around them, and when she's hanging with this girl she's not going to be messaging you as much. But it doesn't mean anything.

    The negative thoughts train is a dangerous one to be going down, I understand. Once you get an idea in your head it's difficult to shake. All you have to try and do is play with the percentages, and I promise you the things you're thinking of are like 99% not happening. You just need to stop yourself going down these thought paths and being influenced to call her or message her.

    You just need some damage reduction. I would say that you should tell her you do trust her and put it down to the work issues and other stuff, and try your best to not get irrationally jealous. Sure, she is spending a lot of time with and talking about this girl, but if you are serious she probably isn't do anything and even if she did do something, it sounds like she'd feel too guilty and would tell you. Try to believe in and trust that, explain your problems to her (that maybe the stress and depression is making you over jealous), and you'll be fine. But you can't be calling her up and accusing her and telling her you don't trust her. That will absolutely 100% drive her away. Be more positive to her and you'll both be fine, cause it sounds like she is doing nothing wrong!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Are you implying I have some sort of emotional dysfunction or disorder?
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why is this so? I'm not wasting her time.
    You are not capable of trust, and therefore you should not be in a relationship.


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    (Original post by LightBlueSoldier)
    You are not capable of trust, and therefore you should not be in a relationship.


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    Your probably right here, but how do I build it?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Your probably right here, but how do I build it?
    If I had an answer to that I would be a billionaire.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I agree that I am somewhat emotionally immature, through no intentional way. There is more to the story in the sense this friend is female (yes females can be naturally more closer) but my girl likes both sexes. This in and of itself isn't a reason to suspect anything, however, just the fact she's like a pivotal discussion in every conversation we have. I don't think we've ever had one where she hasn't cropped up.

    I haven't flatly told her to stop talking about her 24/7 but I've considered it.

    I broke down because I'm not mentally well as a result of anxiety, depression and paranoia, and, furthermore I would say the relationship stressors add to this. Therefore, I don't mean to have a full blown meltdown, and I certainly do not intend to manipulate her! Sorry but that part offended me somewhat.

    There are more bits and pieces to this story, but I'm not going to go in great detail. I just feel a bit antagonised if I'm honest.

    The point is, I feel a little pushed out at times, it's like, I could be there for her one day, we talk all the time and then the next day we may not talk if very little. Though, it's evident she's talking to others (being busy aside).

    Sometimes I feel as though I'm only needed in times when she wants emotional support and not in general, but hey ho, I guess your going to abuse me for saying that too!?

    You seem to have painted me as an uncaring, selfish boyfriend when in fact I'm actually quite supportive (mental health issues aside). Ive just recently supported her through a death in the family (so I'm not so sure your insinuations are valid).
    Having a new friend is exciting and fun. This is something she wants to share with you! Though it may be a bit irritating for her to "go on" about one person, it's hardly suspicious. At all. Do you really think she would divulge as much about this person if she was hiding something from you?

    I know that you may not feel (or be) in much control of your emotional states, and you certainly won't intend to manipulate your girlfriend. Nevertheless, getting extremely upset and paranoid, resulting in having a meltdown to your girlfriend where you make her/her friendships responsible for these feelings is manipulative behaviour. You need to realise you are responsible for your feelings.

    Being pushed out and feeling as though she is not interested in you may be a legitimate concern, but you must separate this from the "problem" of her investing time and emotions in other people. Which is in fact a normal part of having friendships. It's better to be proactive in this (arranging visits and time together). And also remember that these feelings can be really common in a long distance relationship. You just aren't going to get as much attention as before, it's something to compromise on.

    I'm sorry that my other post offended you. I have no doubt that in many ways you're probably great! Someone who puts as much thought into things as you do is probably very caring. But what you have posted here indicates that you are also paranoid and quite a bit needy.


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay for all of those that have replied so far, there is more to this story than meets the eye. Basically my girlfriend is outgoing, bubbly, and has an overly friendly nature (which I'm not particularly used too), she has a past, in which she's slept with a lot guys and a few girls. A couple of which are on my course.

    She understandably was upset, though she stead she's upset because she thinks I always seem to re-think on everything she says or does, and that furthermore, she feels no matter what she tells me she knows I don't trust her.

    Somehow, I feel this is "displacement" or "projection" at it's best and maybe guilt, I dunno.
    You have to accept your girlfriend as she is. Her personality, sexuality and/or her past can't be a barrier to her ever having close friendships, because they make you suspicious and paranoid. She won't be able to live like that.

    What she has said sounds simply like the truth. Not evidence of guilt. Again, to emphasise, your interpretation sounds quite mad. See it from her point of view, everything she says you take as evidence of something dodgy. When she points this out, you take that as further evidence! She can't say something true to defend herself from your suspicions without it being twisted against her. This situation can't last. Her choices are: allow your emotional vulnerability to dictate her life, preventing her (for example) from having close friends; constantly be under suspicion and attack, regardless of what she says or does; or, eventually leave you.
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    I am not meaning to sound harsh but she is still allowed to hang out with friends outside of a relationship, it does not mean she will abandon you. If you continue the way you are then I am afraid you will push her away for good.
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    I think you should seek help for your issues. How you are behaving is so controlling and needy. Shes met a new friend and they are having fun. You have voiced how you feel and she has tried to reassure you.

    If you cant trust her now, you never will.

    Get some help, no shame in it. Work on some of your issues.
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    (Original post by BeanofJelly)
    Having a new friend is exciting and fun. This is something she wants to share with you! Though it may be a bit irritating for her to "go on" about one person, it's hardly suspicious. At all. Do you really think she would divulge as much about this person if she was hiding something from you?

    I know that you may not feel (or be) in much control of your emotional states, and you certainly won't intend to manipulate your girlfriend. Nevertheless, getting extremely upset and paranoid, resulting in having a meltdown to your girlfriend where you make her/her friendships responsible for these feelings is manipulative behaviour. You need to realise you are responsible for your feelings.

    Being pushed out and feeling as though she is not interested in you may be a legitimate concern, but you must separate this from the "problem" of her investing time and emotions in other people. Which is in fact a normal part of having friendships. It's better to be proactive in this (arranging visits and time together). And also remember that these feelings can be really common in a long distance relationship. You just aren't going to get as much attention as before, it's something to compromise on.

    I'm sorry that my other post offended you. I have no doubt that in many ways you're probably great! Someone who puts as much thought into things as you do is probably very caring. But what you have posted here indicates that you are also paranoid and quite a bit needy.




    You have to accept your girlfriend as she is. Her personality, sexuality and/or her past can't be a barrier to her ever having close friendships, because they make you suspicious and paranoid. She won't be able to live like that.

    What she has said sounds simply like the truth. Not evidence of guilt. Again, to emphasise, your interpretation sounds quite mad. See it from her point of view, everything she says you take as evidence of something dodgy. When she points this out, you take that as further evidence! She can't say something true to defend herself from your suspicions without it being twisted against her. This situation can't last. Her choices are: allow your emotional vulnerability to dictate her life, preventing her (for example) from having close friends; constantly be under suspicion and attack, regardless of what she says or does; or, eventually leave you.
    I guess your entirely right with the friend thing-- she perhaps wouldn't "divulge" so much about a person, should she wish to go behind my back and 'do the dirty'. Which I guess is comforting, though, at the same time, there are plenty of people that she hasn't mentioned until very recent. Which again, does aggravate my current mood. I guess the point is I don't trust her-- and I know as many have told me here on TSR, without trust there is nothing.

    But, I am the sort of person that clings on to the very end, even if its so destructive and so unhealthy for my mental health, because yes I am "needy", I have been all my life. I have low self esteem, no confidence. I am never happy unless I actually do well in some area of my life. Be it education, vocationally, or relationships. If I am doing good in neither of them, I become depressed- even more so! Not that i'm not depressed as it is.


    This is I guess, my way of over-compensating. I have other ways my behavior manifests itself; for example, sometimes I become really narcissistic, even if I know I'm wrong fundamentally, I will argue the point, and make people (particularly those I love) feel like utter **** because it validates to me that I am worthy and that the things people do to me 'real' or 'imagined' are evened out so to speak- i.e. me thinking shes up to no good. I'm not aware I do it, out of my own lack of confidence, self esteem and emotional stability.

    Of course, I've never been this insecure, my previous relationship i was more secure. but with many of the same issues; just a different intensity.

    The point is; I've always put relationships, girls and the like above myself because I've always wanted to feel truly loved. I know this isn't a healthy mindset to begin with-- putting my happiness in others. Because it leads to upset and a long road of destruction. I need to change my ways, my entire outlook in life-- but its so hard.

    I don't mean to be a pain, and go over and over things and obsess and sound like a nasty piece of work, because I'm not. All I've ever wanted is what every other human being wants, except some get it, and I feel like I don't.

    I completely understand how she may feel; that I don't trust her. I've had people not trust me before and it ain't a great feeling. I just think she doesn't understand that I'm not meaning to hurt her, much of my problems are internal related, and I do try so hard to bottle them up and not upset her. But its hard, it really is....

    It's just every little thing I blow up in my mind.

    Like today-- she sent me a message which I found odd....stating that "...hey sorry I missed your call, im free if you want to call me and chat [insert 5 of kisses here]".....naturally I responded, and said "I never even rang in the first place", to which she responds "...oh your name came up...and I thought it was you, but the call wasn't from you, sorry babes".

    Obviously, in my head I saw this as odd, which I can't help. It was my first inner-most thought. But maybe it was a mistake. I am trying very hard to conquer my problems...but I may need some sort of therapy.

    But I've given up hope with my GP and the NHS...sick of going back and forth to the same old 'heres some anti-depressants', 'we'll refer you, you should get a phone call soon', to then be waiting months-- but sometimes the call never comes, when it does everything seems fine in my life, so I no longer feel obliged to need it. Then the cycle repeats.

    I may consider private paid therapy.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    I am not meaning to sound harsh but she is still allowed to hang out with friends outside of a relationship, it does not mean she will abandon you. If you continue the way you are then I am afraid you will push her away for good.
    Your entirely right, and I believe shes started this process. But I'm facing the reality that I need help.
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    (Original post by Jakeh)
    I think you should seek help for your issues. How you are behaving is so controlling and needy. Shes met a new friend and they are having fun. You have voiced how you feel and she has tried to reassure you.

    If you cant trust her now, you never will.

    Get some help, no shame in it. Work on some of your issues.
    Exactly right. I'm not mad at all at this, as I know your probably right. I guess I have a lot of problems with low self-esteem, confidence etc etc...and I'm over-compensating for it, because I don't want to be abandoned. I guess I have a very unhealthy attachment style too.

    I am looking into hiring a private therapist/counselor in the hopes it will help.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Exactly right. I'm not mad at all at this, as I know your probably right. I guess I have a lot of problems with low self-esteem, confidence etc etc...and I'm over-compensating for it, because I don't want to be abandoned. I guess I have a very unhealthy attachment style too.

    I am looking into hiring a private therapist/counselor in the hopes it will help.

    Dont be ashamed. I start my therapy today. Im 23. Seek help and work at yourself bro. Im here if you need a sounding board
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    You both obviously have very different personalities such as the fact that you're more traditional about a relationship and she'd be somewhat more "relaxed" about grinding people and stuff...
 
 
 
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