My boyfriend had a baby with someone else Watch

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#21
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#21
(Original post by jam277)
OP get a grip of yourself. Guy had a baby time ago and you're not even his family. That's his flesh and blood, so you gonna say the same thing if you found out he had a sister or are you just jealous that he was able to have a baby with somebody else before you?

Either way you're being completely ridiculous. If it was the other way round, lady can't see her baby and I found out she had a son I'm not going to cry about it. It happens ffs.

Try telling a girl in their 20s who you want to be in a relationship with that they have a daughter made via a one night stand. She's going to think he's a deadbeat.
I can honestly say, this reply, single-handedly can rock the whole world. "Bring that ass here BOY"
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Afghan_Tyson
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#22
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get over it son, with a nice pint on a friday night at your local pub
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llys
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#23
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Notwithstanding my previous post I would expect to hear about such ties on the first date.

I'm thinking about my supervisor right now. She recently started a relationship with a divorced man who has two teenage children. He told her about them, she has met them, and they make a very nice couple.

Does everyone think it would have been ok for him not to mention his children until six months into the relationship? Or do you think it's different just because the people involved are older?

Genuinely puzzled by that attitude. Either your children are important to you or they are not...
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jam277
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(Original post by DeadGirlsDance)
Wow. That would be horrible to hear and I wouldn't feel great about being mislead at all. Should definitely have told you sooner since you were together for 6 months. Bit worrying that he told you when he was drunk... You should ask him when he would have told you otherwise.

I wouldn't be able to cope with a boyfriend already having a child. I think it would just put me off straight away. And the thought of him seeing the woman he shagged a few years ago all the time when he eventually starts seeing his daughter.

Don't make any decisions too quickly though and think about whether you would be able to deal with it. If the first 6 months were amazing, there's no reason why your future together can't be just as good if you can get over this
Can you answer the question. How do you break to a 19 year old partner very early on in a relationship that they have a 5 year old daughter that they don't speak to, that they conceived via a one night stand when him and probably the girl was 19? Guy is going to look like a deadbeat dad.

If you were in the same position, you had a son or daughter who is in custody of your ex partner that was made via a one night stand, would you tell the current partner this before or as soon as the relationship started? Fact is that the guy said it when he was drunk, which probably means that he was deliberating on this for some time.
(Original post by llys)
Notwithstanding my previous post I would expect to hear about such ties on the first date.

I'm thinking about my supervisor right now. She recently started a relationship with a divorced man who has two teenage children. He told her about them, she has met them, and they make a very nice couple.

Does everyone think it would have been ok for him not to mention his children until six months into the relationship? Or do you think it's different just because the people involved are older?

That answers the question. OP is 19, not 25.

Your supervisor is probably 30 or so, divorced guy is probably mid 30s.
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stargirl63
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#25
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(Original post by jam277)
Not really.

How do you tell a 19 year old girl who you want to be in a relationship with that you have a daughter? He's probably been deliberating it for a long time and 6 months isn't really such a long amount of time to tell your girlfriend that you have a daughter.

If he said that he had a daughter as soon of before you got into the relationship you'd have thought he was a deadbeat dad so he can't win. If he spent 4 or more years hiding this then you have every right to be annoyed, it's 6 months.
I really really disagree with this. 6 months is plenty of time to say this information, especially when, if this is a serious relationship, a child would be a responsibility to both parties (more for him than for her obviously). It's one of those things which you should really say at the dating stage of the relationship. It's not one of those things that is only acceptable to say 4 years later - you need to lay all the cards on the table from day one. The main reason being that this affects her, not like if he had a sister or anything, because his sister would not be involved in the relationship, this child will - if this is a serious relationship, she may have to be a step mum one day to this child. Or understand that she has to come second in a lot of occasions. Understand that he is in contact with his ex. She needs to know to make an informed decision, logically, before time and emotions are invested.

I understand that he doesn't see his daughter RIGHT NOW - but you don't know what the future holds, what the child's mum thinks or wants. She may suddenly wake up and think " I can't handle this child anymore, you take it" - which did actually happen to one of my friends, now he is a single dad, and she's gone. All I'm saying is that OP needs all the information to make a decision - whatever the decision may be. How dare this guy keep such substantial information from her.

Regardless of what people think, you need to be honest about things in your past. Yes she may have thought that he was a deadbeat dad or whatever - but then that just means that she isn't suitable for him, and he needs to find someone accepting of his past. Perhaps someone who has a child of their own and understands more? He should NOT hide it from her until she is emotionally invested, and then spring it on her like this. This would really be a deal breaker for me - if he has the ability to hide that, what else is he hiding which he didn't feel "relevant" to say?!?!?!?! How many more kids does he have? Is he a divorcee? Does she need to get him drunk before he speaks the truth??? The lines of trust here are shattered.

It's one of those situations where there is never a right time to say it. He told you when he was drunk - in which case, how long was he planning on going without mentioning anything... 1 year? 2 years? Marriage?


This boyfriend has pissed me off tbh - OP I wish you best of luck for whatever you decide.
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Musie Suzie
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#26
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He always told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and he would love me more than anything - I now know this can never be true because one day, he will start seeing his daughter again, and he will think that of her, and I will come second.
Would you feel the same way about children the two of you had?

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Rock Fan
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#27
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Guys it's not the fact he has a baby- I can get over that, you have to understand that that was just a huge shock.....
It's more he didn't tell me so I feel like everything has been a lie? Can anyone relate to me?
Maybe he was scared to tell you because he was afraid of how you would react, we all make mistakes, yeah it was a costly one for him and perhaps he could have mentioned it. But I can understand why he didn't, i'd be exactly the same.
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jam277
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#28
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(Original post by stargirl63)
I really really disagree with this. 6 months is plenty of time to say this information, especially when, if this is a serious relationship, a child would be a responsibility to both parties (more for him than for her obviously). It's one of those things which you should really say at the dating stage of the relationship. It's not one of those things that is only acceptable to say 4 years later - you need to lay all the cards on the table from day one. The main reason being that this affects her - if this is a serious relationship, she may have to be a step mum one day to this child? Or understand that she has to come second in a lot of occasions etc - she needs to know to make an informed decision, logically, before time and emotions are invested.
Firstly the guy is not being allowed to see the child, guy probably doesn't even want custody and can't get it anyway he just wants to see the child. There is no problem about being no.2.

Doesn't have to be 4 years later and if he withheld it for that long then she has a right to be annoyed.

The guy is probably suffering as it is. We're acting like this guy will easily find a girl around the ages of 19-25 that will accept him having a 5 year old daughter from an ONS. Dumping him over this will break him. How do you break on the 2nd or 3rd date to a 19 year old woman that you have a daughter? Think about it.
Regardless of what people think, you need to be honest about things in your past. Yes she may have thought that he was a deadbeat dad or whatever - but then that just means that she isn't suitable for him, and he needs to find someone accepting of his past. Perhaps someone who has a child of their own and understands more? He should NOT hide it from her until she is emotionally invested, and then spring it on her like this. This would really be a deal breaker for me - if he has the ability to hide that, what else is he hiding which he didn't feel "relevant" to say?!?!?!?!

This boyfriend has pissed me off tbh - OP I wish you best of luck for whatever you decide.
The guy is 25. The girl is 19.

It's not something that you can simply say from the dating stage. If he lied about it after OP asking him it then that is unacceptable but it's going to be pretty hard saying that you had a baby from a one night stand. It's like a girl saying that she used to have sex for money(although has no STDs etc. that could come back to haunt her and the guy) should she tell the current partner and ruin her chances of any decent relationship(because lets be honest it's a dealbreaker)? I'm just looking at it from the guys perspective and I understood why he didn't want to tell her.

Like I said before if you're only saying it when you're drunk, then the guy clearly was thinking about saying it for a while and she's complaining about being no.2 to flesh and blood, so why isn't she complaining about his mother, or his sister(if he has any) and just this child. Guy is not being allowed to see his daughter and OP is complaining about being no.2 to him. There are two sides to every story, but if the GF breaks up with him "because she doesn't feel special and no.1" then that's ridiculous. That's the bit that annoyed me.
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llys
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#29
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#29
(Original post by jam277)
Can you answer the question. How do you break to a 19 year old partner very early on in a relationship that they have a 5 year old daughter that they don't speak to, that they conceived via a one night stand when him and probably the girl was 19? Guy is going to look like a deadbeat dad.

If you were in the same position, you had a son or daughter who is in custody of your ex partner that was made via a one night stand, would you tell the current partner this before or as soon as the relationship started? Fact is that the guy said it when he was drunk, which probably means that he was deliberating on this for some time.
As soon as possible, before you even go on a date is obviously best. If you wait 6 months, and then they run for the hills, then you have wasted six months of your life getting emotionally attached to a person who is not worth it.

I'm actually more inclined to think of someone as "deadbeat" if they try to hide it because it suggests to me that the child is not that important to them. Or that sex is more important to them, in which case our values are not compatible.

In this particular case, I agree he was scared to tell her, and that's why he had to get drunk to do it, and I agree it does show he probably cares, so I don't want to be too harsh. I just don't think it makes a lot of sense to take this road in the long run.

[/I]That answers the question. OP is 19, not 25.

Your supervisor is probably 30 or so, divorced guy is probably mid 30s.
Absolutely, they are much older, and I thought you would say that, but I don't understand it. Why does age make a difference? He has children attached to him, whom he sees regularly, and inheriting two children would turn quite a few women off who are able to have children of their own. It just so happened that my supervisor was open-minded about it, but it could easily have been otherwise. He couldn't have known that she would be ok with it before he told her - yet he told her. He could have strung her along pretty easily for six months - they don't live or work in the same town.
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#30
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#30
(Original post by stargirl63)
I really really disagree with this. 6 months is plenty of time to say this information, especially when, if this is a serious relationship, a child would be a responsibility to both parties (more for him than for her obviously). It's one of those things which you should really say at the dating stage of the relationship. It's not one of those things that is only acceptable to say 4 years later - you need to lay all the cards on the table from day one. The main reason being that this affects her, not like if he had a sister or anything, because his sister would not be involved in the relationship, this child will - if this is a serious relationship, she may have to be a step mum one day to this child. Or understand that she has to come second in a lot of occasions. Understand that he is in contact with his ex. She needs to know to make an informed decision, logically, before time and emotions are invested.

I understand that he doesn't see his daughter RIGHT NOW - but you don't know what the future holds, what the child's mum thinks or wants. She may suddenly wake up and think " I can't handle this child anymore, you take it" - which did actually happen to one of my friends, now he is a single dad, and she's gone. All I'm saying is that OP needs all the information to make a decision - whatever the decision may be. How dare this guy keep such substantial information from her.

Regardless of what people think, you need to be honest about things in your past. Yes she may have thought that he was a deadbeat dad or whatever - but then that just means that she isn't suitable for him, and he needs to find someone accepting of his past. Perhaps someone who has a child of their own and understands more? He should NOT hide it from her until she is emotionally invested, and then spring it on her like this. This would really be a deal breaker for me - if he has the ability to hide that, what else is he hiding which he didn't feel "relevant" to say?!?!?!?! How many more kids does he have? Is he a divorcee? Does she need to get him drunk before he speaks the truth??? The lines of trust here are shattered.

It's one of those situations where there is never a right time to say it. He told you when he was drunk - in which case, how long was he planning on going without mentioning anything... 1 year? 2 years? Marriage?


This boyfriend has pissed me off tbh - OP I wish you best of luck for whatever you decide.
Thank you for totally getting me what you said about him telling me before emotions were invested is totally right- I needed to know this information before I completely gave my heart to him and I am furious with him, because he's ruined that trust. And if we didn't have such a good relationship beforehand, I doubt I would be giving him the chance I'm giving him now.
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SnoochToTheBooch
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(Original post by DeadGirlsDance)
Wow. That would be horrible to hear and I wouldn't feel great about being mislead at all. Should definitely have told you sooner since you were together for 6 months. Bit worrying that he told you when he was drunk... You should ask him when he would have told you otherwise.

I wouldn't be able to cope with a boyfriend already having a child. I think it would just put me off straight away. And the thought of him seeing the woman he shagged a few years ago all the time when he eventually starts seeing his daughter.

Don't make any decisions too quickly though and think about whether you would be able to deal with it. If the first 6 months were amazing, there's no reason why your future together can't be just as good if you can get over this
That explains why.
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Grow up OP. Even if he has no child now and you guys have your own baby, you'll come second. How are you gonna deal with it?

If you don't like the situation then end it.

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#33
(Original post by Musie Suzie)
Would you feel the same way about children the two of you had?

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Oh absolutely. And if he didn't think that of her, I would think less of him. And since she's a part of him, I want to be a part of that too and hope one day we could love each other because i hated my step dad growing up and my life was miserable.

But how could he then say that to me? Make me believe that?
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DeadGirlsDance
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(Original post by SnoochToTheBooch)
That explains why.
Exactly. I would be annoyed at being mislead because I wouldn't have started a relationship in the first place.
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#35
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#35
(Original post by jam277)
Firstly the guy is not being allowed to see the child, guy probably doesn't even want custody and can't get it anyway he just wants to see the child. There is no problem about being no.2.

Doesn't have to be 4 years later and if he withheld it for that long then she has a right to be annoyed.

The guy is probably suffering as it is. We're acting like this guy will easily find a girl around the ages of 19-25 that will accept him having a 5 year old daughter from an ONS. Dumping him over this will break him. How do you break on the 2nd or 3rd date to a 19 year old woman that you have a daughter? Think about it.

The guy is 25. The girl is 19.

It's not something that you can simply say from the dating stage. If he lied about it after OP asking him it then that is unacceptable but it's going to be pretty hard saying that you had a baby from a one night stand. It's like a girl saying that she used to have sex for money(although has no STDs etc. that could come back to haunt her and the guy) should she tell the current partner and ruin her chances of any decent relationship(because lets be honest it's a dealbreaker)? I'm just looking at it from the guys perspective and I understood why he didn't want to tell her.

Like I said before if you're only saying it when you're drunk, then the guy clearly was thinking about saying it for a while and she's complaining about being no.2 to flesh and blood, so why isn't she complaining about his mother, or his sister(if he has any) and just this child. Guy is not being allowed to see his daughter and OP is complaining about being no.2 to him. There are two sides to every story, but if the GF breaks up with him "because she doesn't feel special and no.1" then that's ridiculous. That's the bit that annoyed me.
I understand that perhaps I didn't explain it very well but you are not understanding my situation. I am not a spoiled little princess.

I would never dump him over having a child.
But a strong foundation for our relationship was how honest we were with each other, and he even said that how honest i was one of the best things about me.
He has kept a huge secret from me all this time while i have laid all my cards on the table and given him my heart and my everything. And this entire time, he has told me constantly he loves me more than anyone and I would always come first to him.
So there is the lie, because I never will. And that is fine because I want his own child to come first to him too. But he should have told me from the beginning that I might not always come first and I would have come to terms with that a lot less painlessly and been ok with it.

I value your opinion though I suppose. It seems the guys get what my boyfriend and girls seem to get what I'm going through (mostly). It's good that I'm reminded of his problems, and when I've had time to adjust, I'll be able to be more understanding. Not that I don't empathize with his situation and why he didn't tell me, but it doesn't make it right because he hurt me.
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Meduza
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(Original post by jam277)
Not really.

If he spent 4 or more years hiding this then you have every right to be annoyed, it's 6 months.
Nah - if my bf told me he had a child after even 2 bloody years of us being together I'd wreck him.

Honesty is the best policy because some people totally refuse a partner if he has kid(s) already and it's understandable as anything.
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yo radical one
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If you don't want to be second best, don't be.


Dump him.

(Original post by jam277)
Can you answer the question. How do you break to a 19 year old partner very early on in a relationship that they have a 5 year old daughter that they don't speak to, that they conceived via a one night stand when him and probably the girl was 19? Guy is going to look like a deadbeat dad.

If you were in the same position, you had a son or daughter who is in custody of your ex partner that was made via a one night stand, would you tell the current partner this before or as soon as the relationship started? Fact is that the guy said it when he was drunk, which probably means that he was deliberating on this for some time.

[/I]That answers the question. OP is 19, not 25.

Your supervisor is probably 30 or so, divorced guy is probably mid 30s.
You can rationalise it any way you want, he was scared, she is self-entitled, maybe both these things are true, but ultimately she is 19 and wants to do amazing things, he has a child and is therefore in no position to give her what she wants, so how can there be a relationship?
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Meduza
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(Original post by jam277)
Can you answer the question. How do you break to a 19 year old partner very early on in a relationship that they have a 5 year old daughter that they don't speak to, that they conceived via a one night stand when him and probably the girl was 19? Guy is going to look like a deadbeat dad.
Doesn't matter what he'd look like - if I got herpes from ONS, it would then be okay (going by your logic) to not tell my future partner because I'd look like a dirty slut?

As I said, to some people it's a very important piece of information - just as your partner knowing your last name etc.
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jam277
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(Original post by Meduza)
Nah - if my bf told me he had a child after even 2 bloody years of us being together I'd wreck him.

Honesty is the best policy because some people totally refuse a partner if he has kid(s) already and it's understandable as anything.
Yeah 4 years was a bit much but you get the picture.
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Zangoose
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In all likelihood, you two won't last together so this is a non-issue anyway... You're an immature drama queen.
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