Im 19 and my mother still hits me. HELP ME Watch

sophiamarni
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#21
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#21
(Original post by Anonymous)
Parents are really threatening and make good on their threats . I'm from an oriental asian background, it's the norm for parents to hit their kids. I'm also 18, a legal adult and I've threatened my own mum, pretended to call the police but one word from her in that threatening tone shocks me to not do anything because she's actually so scary.
Doing anything against it, fighting back ends up with more pain for the kid and everything only gets worse.
For OP to move out, it'd need to be done very quickly, all the stuff organised and then move out completely within a few hours when the parent isn't home and then completely avoid the parent for a few weeks not days for it to calm down a bit. No going back if someone is forgotten because she'd get caught.
I've also got siblings and I have to defend them, block the hits so my parents just beat me more to make up for me not letting them beat my younger sibling because they can't get their frustration out on who they initially wanted to.
I won't be able to move out unless I can take my younger sibling with me because then all the anger and frustration would be taken out on them and I can't bear them to be in pain.
Completely understand how OP feels.

i protect my sister just likr you do with your siblings but the police thing does not work for me shes ruthless
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Anonymous #1
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#22
(Original post by Anonymous)
Parents are really threatening and make good on their threats . I'm from an oriental asian background, it's the norm for parents to hit their kids. I'm also 18, a legal adult and I've threatened my own mum, pretended to call the police but one word from her in that threatening tone shocks me to not do anything because she's actually so scary.
Doing anything against it, fighting back ends up with more pain for the kid and everything only gets worse.
For OP to move out, it'd need to be done very quickly, all the stuff organised and then move out completely within a few hours when the parent isn't home and then completely avoid the parent for a few weeks not days for it to calm down a bit. No going back if someone is forgotten because she'd get caught.
I've also got siblings and I have to defend them, block the hits so my parents just beat me more to make up for me not letting them beat my younger sibling because they can't get their frustration out on who they initially wanted to.
I won't be able to move out unless I can take my younger sibling with me because then all the anger and frustration would be taken out on them and I can't bear them to be in pain.
Completely understand how OP feels.
I honestly can't move out. It would cause me alot more pain then staying. Not physically (because it cant get worse than this) but emotionally. Everyone in my family would hate me.
Is it common for 19+ year olds to get hit in your culture?

I used to want to please her so much but that doesnt work. **** it. I honestly dont give a **** anymore. Let her do whatever she likes. Im gonna get a job and make sure i spend as little time as possible at home
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Uw0tm8_
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#23
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#23
(Original post by Anonymous)
He passed away in 2009. I would move out and live with him if he was still alive
your mums lost her husband and was left to raise the kids alone.. Maybe she just needs someone ro talk to, why don't you develop a relationship with her, maybe she just misunderstood you. IDK about your culture and stuff but like you gotta try and talk to her.. Make her realise that its wrong for her to "discipline" you like this. Im sure she'll understand.
she probably feels like she lets you guys down a lot and that shes not able to raise you guys alone? Idk but it mustve hurt her hearing that you guys didn't like her and stuff.

idk hope it all works out for you
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teh-jew
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In posts like this a lot of people from non ethnic (minority) backgrounds comment the typical 'move out', 'hit back' etc and whilst it's appreciated that you're trying to help, in certain cultures things like that just are not an option. Those boundaries don't get crossed.
I'm of an African background and I understand where you're coming from. Although I'm probably lucky in the sense that my parent's aren't at all strict with me. I have my curfew and so long as I'm back by then there are no problems.
I honestly think this is the type of situation though where you need to do something. You need to sit and talk with her. Discuss the fact that you're making new friends, reinforce to her that you know the culture and wouldn't be doing nonsense before marriage etc. Try to set up a curfew between the two of you so that at least you can say to her Mum, if I'm not home by ____ I will understand why you're calling me because I'm probably in trouble etc etc. Or agree to text her at certain intervals to show that you're safe etc. It's all about trying to find a compromise and trying to force her to listen.
Unfortunately though if this doesn't work you will probably have to rebel. If she refuses to work with you you can't throw away your social life and friends because of your mother behaving irrationally. If she tries to hit you defend yourself and make sure you speak up. Don't hit her back though. After any altercations give her the silent treatment. Just live your life a bit and eventually she'll have to let go. Hope this at least helps a little bit.
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MissLalaxx
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(Original post by sophiamarni)
im east african well lower east african tanzaina and my mum beats me with a hanger when i dont do chores :/ my dad does nothing tho fml but meh im numb now i want to go to a really far uni i cant stand it she stopped now and im ok but its just a discipline thing i guess
The hanger was painful but nothing beats "hand of fire".lol Yeah I eventually grew tolerant of it. It's definitely discipline because when you think of the pain you will do what you were or were not told to do.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I honestly can't move out. It would cause me alot more pain then staying. Not physically (because it cant get worse than this) but emotionally. Everyone in my family would hate me.
Is it common for 19+ year olds to get hit in your culture?

I used to want to please her so much but that doesnt work. **** it. I honestly dont give a **** anymore. Let her do whatever she likes. Im gonna get a job and make sure i spend as little time as possible at home
For my culture, it's common for a 30 year old to get beaten up by their parents and we just have to stand there and take it, it's literally considered normal. One of my friends said why don't you talk to a therapist or counsellor to school/police and my other Chinese friend just went WTFFF are you stupid do you want her to get killed by her parents?! (obviously the parents wouldn't kill/murder their kid, they also constantly complain all the trouble they went through for us, for our future etc)
It's completely normal
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OG-J3nn
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by all means try and find a job maybe to be less dependent on her and yes do give her the silent treatment distance yourself from her to the point where she realises the wedge she's caused between you. Try and avoid her anger and just work hard on yourself l assume you're the oldest so just work work work and try and just get yourself first and your siblings second you know out of the situation. It sucks having one parent to depend on at the end of the day you have no one else so the person who causes you so much distress is your rock in life. But honestly time flies and waits for no one just buckle down on your degree you will get out and you will escape this
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Anonymous #2
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Rebelling doesn't work. I tried for a year and then the year after I completely broke down and got depressed and missed a year of school. Social services got involved and my mum would pinch me super hard before they arrived to make sure I was in line and didn't say anything that would raise a concern and pretend like we were all fine and that I just had some anxiety or something.
It's not like something I could ever report, the parents are so smart on where they pinch/hit you so no marks are left.
In China, parents just openly hit their kids and people walk past like it's nothing.
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Anonymous #1
#29
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#29
(Original post by Uw0tm8_)
your mums lost her husband and was left to raise the kids alone.. Maybe she just needs someone ro talk to, why don't you develop a relationship with her, maybe she just misunderstood you. IDK about your culture and stuff but like you gotta try and talk to her.. Make her realise that its wrong for her to "discipline" you like this. Im sure she'll understand.
she probably feels like she lets you guys down a lot and that shes not able to raise you guys alone? Idk but it mustve hurt her hearing that you guys didn't like her and stuff.

idk hope it all works out for you
My parents divorced almost 15 years ago so she mainly raised us by herself. She has friends and sisters who she tells all her problems to so that cant be why. She talks to them every single day on the phone or sees them.
I try so hard to make her listen to me but whenever I do, she feels threatened and says 'im your mum, I sacrificed my whole life for you, why are you talking to me like that' and makes me feel like im the worst daughter on earth and im left feeling like ****. Dont get me wrong, im extremely grateful for everything shes done for us but i feel like she almost uses it as an excuse to beat us. She just can't accept the possibility that she can ever be wrong.
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Cherx
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OMMG.. It makes me so sad reading this thread

Is your mum depressed btw?
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Anonymous #1
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#31
(Original post by Cherx)
OMMG.. It makes me so sad reading this thread

Is your mum depressed btw?
I dont know if she is or isn't. All i know is that she loves beating us to let her anger out
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Cherx
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I dont know if she is or isn't. All i know is that she loves beating us to let her anger out
Does she work?

I honestly think that she may be depressed with everything that has happened. High blood pressure?And its a bad situation to be in and I honestly woudnt know what to do.

I used to get beats as well when I was younger but it was for stuff like not eating -.-
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CherryCherryBoomBoom
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Is it against your culture to live in student halls or a student house? If not, I'd strongly consider it as it'd be good to gaining the independence to do what you want and get home whatever time you like without anyone nagging at you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by OG-J3nn)
by all means try and find a job maybe to be less dependent on her and yes do give her the silent treatment distance yourself from her to the point where she realises the wedge she's caused between you. Try and avoid her anger and just work hard on yourself l assume you're the oldest so just work work work and try and just get yourself first and your siblings second you know out of the situation. It sucks having one parent to depend on at the end of the day you have no one else so the person who causes you so much distress is your rock in life. But honestly time flies and waits for no one just buckle down on your degree you will get out and you will escape this
T

(Original post by Anonymous)
For my culture, it's common for a 30 year old to get beaten up by their parents and we just have to stand there and take it, it's literally considered normal. One of my friends said why don't you talk to a therapist or counsellor to school/police and my other Chinese friend just went WTFFF are you stupid do you want her to get killed by her parents?! (obviously the parents wouldn't kill/murder their kid, they also constantly complain all the trouble they went through for us, for our future etc)
It's completely normal
Thank you so much. Your advice made me feel better i was crying earlier but you motivated me

Is it bad that Im praying for a man to come into my life and show me unconditional love? No pain, just true love. I've never had an older male figure in my life and all i want is someone to just love me like crazy, get married to them and live happily with my own family with no beatings and pain. But im just scared that i'll jump into marriage just so i can escape this and nothing else.
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neal95
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It's such a shame that your culture does not integrate with British values. There is one rule of law that applies to everyone and your culture should not be an excuse for your mum to flout the law in such an open way
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks so much. This made me smile. I was crying and u made me hopeful.
Is it bad that Im praying for a man to come into my life and show me unconditional love? No pain, just true love. I've never had an older male figure in my life and all i want is someone to just love me like crazy, get married to them and live happily with my own family with no beatings and pain. But im just scared that i'll jump into marriage just so i can escape this and nothing else.
(Original post by OG-J3nn)
by all means try and find a job maybe to be less dependent on her and yes do give her the silent treatment distance yourself from her to the point where she realises the wedge she's caused between you. Try and avoid her anger and just work hard on yourself l assume you're the oldest so just work work work and try and just get yourself first and your siblings second you know out of the situation. It sucks having one parent to depend on at the end of the day you have no one else so the person who causes you so much distress is your rock in life. But honestly time flies and waits for no one just buckle down on your degree you will get out and you will escape this
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
T



Thank you so much. Your advice made me feel better i was crying earlier but you motivated me

Is it bad that Im praying for a man to come into my life and show me unconditional love? No pain, just true love. I've never had an older male figure in my life and all i want is someone to just love me like crazy, get married to them and live happily with my own family with no beatings and pain. But im just scared that i'll jump into marriage just so i can escape this and nothing else.
It's not crazy and I feel for you OP
The thing is I've also wished for that and I had a bf that broke up with me and it was sort of like an escape but turns out he didn't like me and I was a past time to him. Just ended up more depressed, my grades suffered and things at home didn't help. It's also crap that I could barely go out, my mum is so controlling and I'd have to lie just to see him and she can always tell if I'm lying, over the years I've gotten better that no one else can tell but she has this like super power
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom)
Is it against your culture to live in student halls or a student house? If not, I'd strongly consider it as it'd be good to gaining the independence to do what you want and get home whatever time you like without anyone nagging at you.
Its not 'against' but is abit taboo for a girl to move out before marriage in my culture esp if she goes to a uni in her hometown (like I do)


(Original post by Cherx)
Does she work?

I honestly think that she may be depressed with everything that has happened. High blood pressure?And its a bad situation to be in and I honestly woudnt know what to do.

I used to get beats as well when I was younger but it was for stuff like not eating -.-
She doesnt work.
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The_Internet
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(Original post by jambojim97)
Escape. At the end of the day you are an adult and she does not own you. It may be difficult, but doable nonetheless.
It's easy to say that. Imo it's a bit of a "Western" view that people can just "escape" like that...

In a way, regardless of the OP's cultural background, I reckon these guys will be able to help:

http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/

It's more focusing on those who's parents might be Asian, but they're still quite helpful I think for any one else
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NomadicBelle
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Lol! It's so normal.
I'm from an East African background and my mother is half Somalian Half Tanzanian. They are just brought up that way! There's nothing you can do about it! At all. My mother is a single parent too.. If you think about all the things they go through as single mothers, they really rely on their children to turn out near perfect. Their mentality is "I work day and night, and the least my child can do is become a good child"
- She loves you! Means no harm. It's just she was taught by the hand and therefore she knows no other way but to teach but by the hand.

(Also, take into consideration that she may be a bit bitter from your father passing away. I am almost near positive that my mother is bitter due to a tragic divorce)
- East African woman are strong! They have been through so much! And in my case my mother has fled a massacre. So just take into consideration that they have been through a lot!
- I figured out that if I try to build a relationship with her and try to build trust with her.. It should be fine! And my hypothesis has proven to be correct.
It works!

Hope that helped



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