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Boyf has changed completely but i still love him watch

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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Love him... from a distance. Just because you love him does not mean you have to stay with him. What's happening looks like a typical progression of domestic abuse toward a woman from a man. First he is sweet and great and you fall for him, love him a lot. Then he gradually but steadily starts to become more abusive, and you feel that since you love him you somehow have this responsibility to 'rescue him from himself' and so you feel its the right thing to do to stay with him, not knowing that by staying you're putting yourself in a situation which will very likely become more and more volatile till you eventually leave, he goes to jail or someone is killed. The window for you getting out of the situation is small. If I were you i'd get out running and move on. And don't have a baby with him, that could get super messy.

    Watch this video, it's really relevant : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

    My my mind is suddenly all over the place. Because I do feel overwhelmed with this feeling to as you said "rescue him from himself".
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    (Original post by Calpurnia)
    Oh man - what a tough situation!

    Here's another perspective for you:

    it sounds likes he's recently realised how much you mean to him - you are quite possibly his whole world right now, and his weird behaviour is because he's absolutely terrified of losing you. This can definitely happen! I'm not entirely sure what the best course to take is though. In theory, if you were happy to approach the conversation with this kind of thinking in mind, you might be able to do enough to reassure him that you're still totally committed and aren't interested in anyone else. Let him know that you're there for him, unconditionally etc etc. That you're hopefully going to have plenty of time to think about babies later so forget it for now.

    To supplement this, it's definitely worth trying to get him out into the world again with his own friends and social circles - sometimes when we get too invested in our partners, we can let the rest slip away and it's hard to get back once the relationship goes sour. What happened 4-5 months ago? Did he graduate college or switch jobs or something along those lines?

    In summary, I definitely don't think this is a death knell for you guys and definitely believe you can work it out and be happy with some good communication and openness. Good luck!
    yes. Yes. Yes. In previous replies I don't think I've stressed enough how in sync we usually are. Our families are so close, we lost our virginity to one another, we were there when we hit big milestones in our lives and we've always had a good passionate equal sex life. What did happen 4-5months ago? I don't know whether it could be this, it seems so small and irrelevant but another guy did buy me a drink once at the bar and flirted with me. But surely he would have said something right? It was only a drink and I did tell him and come straight back to him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It just so happens that we spoke last night. He told me there's something wrong with him and that he needs help. We cried together held one another and kissed like the old times. He needs my help and I felt like I've exaggerated this all. He was crying out for me and all I cared about was how I feeling in this relationship. He's so confused right now that all he wants is things that make him happy I.e. Me, sex and our future (the baby). I feel so **** at the moment for not pestering him about what was wrong. He's drinking to forget something, what I don't know. I really appreciate everyone's advice and tips, it's given me some food for thought but for now I need to stand up and be the partner he deserves and loves.
    http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t20526

    He's hoovering you. Changing his tack because he realises you're not OK with his behaviour and there's a risk you'll leave. It's exactly like a child being naughty and then realising they're not getting their own way, so they switch to crying and being the victim in the hope the adult will feel bad and give them what they want to 'make them feel better' instead. You feel **** at the moment because that's exactly what he wants - to make you confused and make you blame yourself so you stop scrutinising his abuse of you. Stop being a mug and get the **** out.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    yes. Yes. Yes. In previous replies I don't think I've stressed enough how in sync we usually are. Our families are so close, we lost our virginity to one another, we were there when we hit big milestones in our lives and we've always had a good passionate equal sex life. What did happen 4-5months ago? I don't know whether it could be this, it seems so small and irrelevant but another guy did buy me a drink once at the bar and flirted with me. But surely he would have said something right? It was only a drink and I did tell him and come straight back to him.
    Unfortunately, that kind of thing can be huge for guys - we can be ridiculously insecure. He might not have said anything at the time because he didn't want to show how vulnerable he is/was. And the longer you go without saying something the harder it can get! I think definitely asking him about why he's been acting out is the first thing to do - make sure he knows it's upsetting for you. If he says he doesn't know what's been wrong with him you could then propose this incident as a starting-point/theme.

    If he denies all knowledge/says he doesn't care, then I'd recommend not seeing/talking to him for a couple of days so he can think about how much you mean, and will hopefully then take it more seriously.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It just so happens that we spoke last night. He told me there's something wrong with him and that he needs help. We cried together held one another and kissed like the old times. He needs my help and I felt like I've exaggerated this all. He was crying out for me and all I cared about was how I feeling in this relationship. He's so confused right now that all he wants is things that make him happy I.e. Me, sex and our future (the baby). I feel so **** at the moment for not pestering him about what was wrong. He's drinking to forget something, what I don't know. I really appreciate everyone's advice and tips, it's given me some food for thought but for now I need to stand up and be the partner he deserves and loves.
    ...... did you even watch the video?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My my mind is suddenly all over the place. Because I do feel overwhelmed with this feeling to as you said "rescue him from himself".
    Yes, you feel that way because you love him. And that love is partially rooted in the faint hope that things will get back to the 'good old times'. The way he was when he got you smitten. And so you stay with him because you want to 'get your boyfriend back'. Unfortunately, I don't think the boyfriend you remember is coming back. The behaviour he's exhibiting now he probably picked up form something that has nothing to do with you. he hay have been abused at a young age, seen a parent or family member abusing etc. It's not really safe for you to assume that it's your place to 'heal him' or cure him, for the reasons I said before. The reason why he wants a baby is likely so he can seriously get you trapped in this situation. It's a tool in his toolbox. At the end of the day though it's your choice. two years from now you will surely arrive. The question is where? Will you be saying 'my boyfriend of 4 years caused these scars.. He led to me being incredibly insecure... He crushed my self esteem and Confidence. Now we even have a baby together and I don't have the confidence to summon up the courage to leave him.' Or in 2 years you could be saying '2 years ago I had a relationship that started off amazing but turned sour and bitter. I decided that it has passed its Best before date and passed its Do not try to fix it and get out date', so I did what I had to to protect myself, I left him. In that time I've found an amazing guy who treats me so much better.Looking back, I regret enduring his abuse as long as I did, but I didn't know. I thought it was 'our problem' and not 'his problem'.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, you feel that way because you love him. And that love is partially rooted in the faint hope that things will get back to the 'good old times'. The way he was when he got you smitten. And so you stay with him because you want to 'get your boyfriend back'. Unfortunately, I don't think the boyfriend you remember is coming back. The behaviour he's exhibiting now he probably picked up form something that has nothing to do with you. he hay have been abused at a young age, seen a parent or family member abusing etc. It's not really safe for you to assume that it's your place to 'heal him' or cure him, for the reasons I said before. The reason why he wants a baby is likely so he can seriously get you trapped in this situation. It's a tool in his toolbox. At the end of the day though it's your choice. two years from now you will surely arrive. The question is where? Will you be saying 'my boyfriend of 4 years caused these scars.. He led to me being incredibly insecure... He crushed my self esteem and Confidence. Now we even have a baby together and I don't have the confidence to summon up the courage to leave him.' Or in 2 years you could be saying '2 years ago I had a relationship that started off amazing but turned sour and bitter. I decided that it has passed its Best before date and passed its Do not try to fix it and get out date', so I did what I had to to protect myself, I left him. In that time I've found an amazing guy who treats me so much better.Looking back, I regret enduring his abuse as long as I did, but I didn't know. I thought it was 'our problem' and not 'his problem'.

    Your right. Everyone's right. I should leave him. Today we had an argument because I'm apparently 'the worst girlfriend ever' who he thinks has cheated on him. After me worrying about the state he is in, i am fuming that he thinks i'd do such a disrespectful thing to him. I've always put more in to our relationship than he has. I mean for one, I came on here to get advice to help us out rather than let him know and worry him. For a second i let him make me think i was the cause. Coming to ask for a perspective from people who don't know us is the best thing i could have done. My judgement was always clouded by love, yes i now admit that. And yes this is going from one extreme to another but the more i think about it, i do need to get out. I can't say how but i have to. I love him still very much but i can't continue with not being 'allowed' out or coming home from uni to a boyfriend who is demanding sex. I even have my suspicions that he's putting holes in the condoms that we use. As much as I thought that in the future i'd love to have a baby with him, this puts me right off. I don't want to be saying what i've underlined and put in bold in years to come, i want to say i'm happy and in love with a guy that loves me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ...... did you even watch the video?

    Just this second have as I before i was on my phone.

    Thank you. That video was all I needed.
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    I don't know any of you, but I am so thankful to you all for all of your tips and advice.
    I was dumb, blind and in love.. A lethal combo. I may love him, but the feeling is not mutual in the relationship despite his attempts to prove otherwise. I feel like in the last day or two, i have learnt and gone through enough emotions to last me a while. He isn't the same boy any more and he isn't coming back. I have to accept that. 2 years is a long time but i am young. These things happen. I'm going and I'm going fast.

    TSR is the best place to head for advice from people not involved.
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    I'm sorry to suggest it, but is there a chance he could have cheated on you? Could explain a lot. If it happened when out it could explain why he's so keen to stay in alone these days (doesn't trust himself/want to remember). Also, the sudden over possessiveness could have come about as a result of cheating and the fear he would lose you, so he's gone to the extreme opposite of losing you; wanting to be with you any minute. Seeming different (angry, moody) could be due to guilt and anger with himself, not wanting to talk about breaking up because it's what he fears most, and wanting a baby to begin a new chapter as a solid family - maybe he thinks a baby would join you together forever no matter what...

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    There was a time I was a little like that, I became insecure and showed somewhat similar side effects because I was quite scared of losing the person as multiple guys would attempt to flirt and hit on her on a weekly basis.

    When you're scared you do stupid things, you becoming clingy, paranoid and fearful when the other person is out at bars etc, your feelings are more erratic and you become angry and start to feel as if the other person doesn't love you anymore (playing into the paranoia).
    I'm not trying to justify it, his behavior is wrong and is abusive but for what it's worth the person I was with help me overcome my issues because she loved me and I'm a better person for it. Sometimes this behavior can be fixed and sometimes it can't because the person is naturally abusive, nobody on TSR can accurately tell you anything therefore only you can judge this. (This is where the disparity comes in, as to whether or not his real side has come out and it was a facade before or this is not his normal behavior and just side effects from a deeper problem/insecurity).

    For the record I've never been like that since and it was brief- perhaps 2-3 months, I'm quite a mellow fellow.
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    Can we please avoid being offensive towards other members
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    (Original post by Musie Suzie)
    I'm sorry to suggest it, but is there a chance he could have cheated on you? Could explain a lot. If it happened when out it could explain why he's so keen to stay in alone these days (doesn't trust himself/want to remember). Also, the sudden over possessiveness could have come about as a result of cheating and the fear he would lose you, so he's gone to the extreme opposite of losing you; wanting to be with you any minute. Seeming different (angry, moody) could be due to guilt and anger with himself, not wanting to talk about breaking up because it's what he fears most, and wanting a baby to begin a new chapter as a solid family - maybe he thinks a baby would join you together forever no matter what...

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    It's a possibility but surely if he has cheated than I'm more within my rights to leave him. I can't be with someone who is firstly selfish enough to cheat and then put me in this position whilst he tries to make himself better. But I do hope he hasn't cheated. Not that it would matter now anyways.
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    sorry humphries. :ashamed2:
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    So you are the ' worst girl friend ever'. This is so manipulative. he wants to blame his bad behavior on you.

    I agree with previous posts that the likelihood is that he has cheated and this is why he suspects you. He thinks you will be like him. The baby is to make you stay even if you discover his infidelity.

    As for your suspicions about holes in condoms!!! You don't trust him or even like him do you? I repeat, you want a good loving relationship because you are a lovely person with a lot of love to give the right man. You are projecting your wishes onto him and desperately wanting him to be the 'love of your life' but all the evidence is that he is anything but.

    Think. This relationship is supposed to make you happy not worried, fearful and upset. This is psychological abuse. Unfortunately it has all the hallmarks of the start of an abusive relationship and may well descend into much worse as he gains more and more control over you.
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    idk I genuinely feel that something must've happened to him to make him be like this, the real him has been shadowed by something bad that has happened, rather than what people are saying - that the real him has been exposed and that the nice guy was a facade. Imo he seems okay just a bit lost etc, maybe he was raped (srs suggestion, it causes that reaction in many male victims and their girlfs leave them because people who don't know them jump to conclusions that that's the 'real him' and give the girl advice that they're in no position to give)
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    "I'm not allowed to..."

    Anybody in a relationship which involves one party "allowing" (or not) the other party to do things, you need to understand that this is a big red flashing neon light which spells out danger. This is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship between equal adults. It is controlling, manipulative and psychologically abusive.

    Of course it is fine for both parties to agree boundaries (we will not cheat, for example) but reaching joint agreement on behaviours that apply to both of you is very different from one person purporting to unilaterally control the life of the other.
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    Actually yeah, these symptoms are also displayed in people who have cheated ironically. This could be a possibility.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been going out with my current boyf for 2 years now. We were best mates for months before getting together. He always used to make me laugh, was always the clown of his mates and enjoyed a good night out. But more recently he's become, for no reason at all, more possessive over me. He doesn't like going out with our mates anymore, he likes us staying in together. He is demanding a lot more sex and gets angry with me when he has a drink and shouts abuse at me when i try to calm him down. This is so out of character for him. I try to ask him if every thing is ok but he only speaks to me when he wants sex, when he's drunk or when he tells me what to do. he was once the perfect the boys. what do i do?

    the other day in a drunken chat, he told me he wants a baby. but a baby can't possibly make him any better.
    Sometimes, actions are all you need. He is no worth your time. Leave him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Him wanting more sex is him wanting to try for a baby… which isn't going to happen. We also have the same group of friends which makes things awkward. They come over to ours but if we all go out together, i'm either not allowed to drink too much or have to go home early with him because he (only recently has started to become more jealous of other men talking to me)!!!
    He has no right to tell you what to do.
 
 
 
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