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Advice on splitting up with my boyfriend of five years... watch

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    make it clear he can't tell you how to dress and make a point that you'll leave if he carries on
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    I can't imagine any marriage lasting if people were to take the advice of "dump him/her" at every rough patch.

    There's obviously something you love about this guy that's made you stay with him so long. There's good and bad qualities in everyone.

    I think you need to be more clear and forward in communicating how profoundly his sentiments to how you dress or when you go on nights out affect you. And at the same time, try and empathise the insecure space his words are probably coming from. When you think about it, a part of him is probably scared you're going to cheat on him, or move on and leave him as you're off to Uni and better things - and you're fulfilling the prophecy.

    Point is, try to talk and reason with him. See if you can reach some sort of mutual understanding before ending it with him.
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    He sounds insecure, and probably worried that you will find someone he considers 'better' than him, and he's getting very controlling to try to make himself feel better. You could give it more more time, but you can't stay with someone if you are sure it isn't working. It isn't fair on you, and to be honest, it isn't fair on him either.

    If he wasn't living in your house, it would be fairly straightforward. But he is - maybe you could talk to your mum about how you are feeling, and your concerns about the puppy (doggy daycare maybe?) and him finding somewhere else to live. She may have a different perspective on how he's coping with you being at Uni. His family problems might have eased, so he might be able to move back in with someone in his family? Or he could look for a flat or house-share. It isn't your responsibility ultimately, and practical issues like that should not keep a young person like you in a relationship that has run its course.
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    I'm assuming you've tried talking to him about his behaviour, setting boundaries, not allowing him to control you. "I'm not allowed to have any friends who are guys" he can't stop you. Do it anyway to make that clear. If you're not sure about ending it, you need to at least make sure you communicate how unhappy you are and how unacceptable his behaviour is. Perhaps an ultimatum is needed.

    Would you both consider perhaps seeing a relate counsellor? An external influence like that might make him realise how dickisj he's being and help him get over his insecurities.
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    Are you sure you're not making it up OP? Sounds like you're talking BS big time just so you can get rid of him now that you're at uni and there are better options...
    Don't get me wrong but these things would be visible from the start of the relationship and it's a little bit weird you've 'realised' it all just now
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    There's two sides to every story...maybe you do dress slutty? I certainly wouldn't like my girlfriend dressing provocatively.

    What is concerning is that you have a boyfriend who has very little ambition in his life. That's not good for your future. And he makes you text him all day and doesn't allow you to have any male friends, that's very immature from him.
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    (Original post by Shannon1329)
    Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.


    My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish. We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care, my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live, I get on so well with his family. I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
    Well I've heard these types of stories before. When I was younger I'd of been like "wow you need to kick him to the curb!"

    but now I'm older and wiser I've heard this story enough to know theres two sides.

    now yes there are guys who exist who are needlessly paranoid. but in most cases they are not.

    in most cases they can usually pick up on something that they find hard to explain or identify. but they can still pick up on it.

    what that thing is is the fact that their girlfriend wants other men.

    You say you're not allowed to have any guy friends. Why do you want any? are you missing out some story where he found out a guy who you were friends with was your ex or who fancied you or some other significant detail that your leaving out. or maybe he saw you with guy friends and picked up on the sexual chemistry between you that perhaps you yourself are in denial of.

    whats clear is that despite the fact that you claim you are "not allowed" to have male friends you must still happen to have them regardless of your boyfriend because he is apparently bothered by the pictures. now perhaps those are the sort of pictures that you could show a stranger and they'd be like "so I take it those two are dating". you know its bad when you have to tell people your male friend is "just a friend"

    girls cheat more than guys. they have much more opportunity to do so and are much better at hiding it than men. as the old saying goes "what ever a guys sexual partner number is, half it and what ever a girls sexual partner number is double it"

    perhaps he's aware of you inviting or entertaining certain behavior from men. I new a girl who's idea of flirting was saying incredibly crude things like "well hello there big boy" (cringe i know) but she didn't see the much more subtle signs of flicking hair, laughter, prolonged or lower eye lidded eye contact, lip biting, physical posturing and all the many many many subtle body language and communication that people do to subtle flirt. in fact many girls are in denial of their flirting. I new a girl with a little boy (aged 9) she was in a chip shop (classy) flirting with guy behind the counter, laughing needlessly at almost everything he said. he was being flirty, and her reciprocation was laughter. I mentioned this to her and she was in complete denial. However, as sad as this is, her unfortunate 9 year old son chirped up saying how she was flirting with him. Now even a 9 year old can pick up on that stuff.
    but women have a great defense for their behavior. they can claim that anyone who notices or criticizes their passive sexual communications in public as a controlling paranoid possessive guy. and no guy wants to be that guy. but the fact of the matter is "these hoes aint loyal" and they no it, but sadly they care for these "hoes" and try to keep them faithful as long as they can. its not just about keeping the girl faithful though. its about dignity. and its undignified for the guy whos girl is fawning over guys publicly.

    I don't blame him asking loads of questions about your flat mates. because it sounds like you don't want to tell him about them. whats the reason you don't wanna tell him? he's not there with you? he's trying to find out whos around you. when girls cheat they don't go far.
    its rarely as well thought out as a guy off the internet. although that happpens to. its usually like a colleague at work, or a "friend" or someone they meet through work or if your a student, someone from your course or someone from your flat.

    just curious why are you going out? and perhaps you are dressing slutty? i mean he's not a fool. he's been out clubbing to. he will know what message your sending off because he's a man. he's not just your boyfriend. he's been out clubbing and seen girls dressed like that and perhaps spoke to them and know what they're about. when you get dressed your displaying your self in a certain way. its the first message you give people.

    and you probably do look single. I mean your in a club dressed like a single girl on the pull with her friends.

    even despite his discomfort at what is quite clearly you looking for someone new to replace him with. he is still not being direct about it as to not outrage you. which is very considerate of him but sadly wasted as im sure you take this consideration as weakness yes?


    your decision to break up with him sounds very short sighted. but maybe its for the best. it sounds like your struggling with loyalty and will inevitably cheat on him.

    it also sounds like everything would be hunky dory if you were still at home.

    if you stick it out through uni you will probably stay together.

    but the fact is, is your situation is quite common.
    many girls start uni cheat for 3 years and then come back to their boyfriend.

    some of the boyfriends cheat too.

    but it sounds like your the cheater potential here. and it sounds like he can pick up on it.

    i mean your loyalty for him isn't very strong. its been a few months away and your already thinking of ending it.

    fact is if you end it you know you won't get him back right? he may be whipped now. but thats because he cares and doesnt want to lose you. but he sounds smart enough to know how you are. unloyal and fleeting. and his reactions reflect yours.

    but once he loses you and he's free of the whip due to him being smart he'll kno your not reliable to start a family with.

    i mean your not going through tough times here. you havent got jobs and kids and a mortgage whilst arguing with eachother. so if your looking to jump ship now then god knows what you'll be like then
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    I'm willing to put money on it that there is a guy in the picture to the op. I'm willing to put money on it that the things outlined in the thread are embellishments and probably her way of justifying a split up. Let's face it she's 19 and now seeing the big world for the first time. She's out doing what every young girl should be doing. Educating and enjoying life. She's now realised there is more to life than a crappy relationship.

    I am almost pretty certain she is being pursued by another guy at the moment at uni which she too fancies or is at least considering it. It's the natural order of things. This is why most break ups REALLY happen where as people pretend and blame it on things like distance and no longer things in common when the truth is at uni you see the world for what it really is.

    I'm in no way critising you here but just he honest about your reasons. How do we know what you're saying is true? He might be a great guy and you might have just fell out of love which happens sure but don't paint people in bad lights if really it's you that needs looking at.

    I'm not saying I'm right but with what you said I'm willing to place a huge bet that this decision really stems from the curiosity of a new guy.
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    Just a small point, but if things were good when you were at home - and you say that if you still were at home, things still would be good - wouldn't it make more sense for your boyfriend to find his own place near you, rather than living with your Mum?

    If he did that, he wouldn't feel so out of the loop with you, and therefore wouldn't feel so powerless - which is the reason behind him trying to control you.

    I'm speaking from some experience, as, when my girlfriend of three years went to uni, I was fortunate enough to get a transfer at work so that I could be in the same city as her. After six months, we ended up living together, and in March we will have lived together for two years.

    If I had stayed back home, we would definitely not be together - you need to see the person you are with more than once every couple of weeks for a day or two, especially when you are used to living near, or in your case, WITH them!
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    (Original post by mackemforever)
    Well to put it bluntly, he sounds like a pathetic little **** who seems to think that you're nothing more than his property and the sooner you get rid of him the better.
    Pretty much this.

    Get shot, he doesnt care about your friends, opinions or choices. Why should you care about his little ego
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    (Original post by Shannon1329)
    Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.
    This is not about loving you, this is about controlling you, and it will only get worse.

    My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish.
    No, you are not being selfish. Absolutely not.
    We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care
    Yes, and it may be that re-homing will be necessary. But this is a joint problem, not yours alone. Who decided to get the dog anyway?

    my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live,
    That is his problem, not yours.
    I get on so well with his family.
    Yes, but that is not a good reason for staying in a relationship that is not working for you.

    I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
    Of course you're scared - this is scary stuff, but it's clear from this that you know what you need to do, and just need the courage and self-belief to do it. It's not easy, and there'll be a lot of pressure to back-track, but I go back to your first paragraph where you talked about how this man wants to control every part of your life. This is not normal (even if he tells you it is). You are at university, you are growing in all sorts of ways, and if he doesn't want to let you do that, it is his problem, not yours.

    Have courage - it will be worth it. Get your girlfriends (and your Mum) to back you and don't let fear get in the way of what you know you need to do. Leaving it will only make it harder.
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    Have you tried telling him this? (Not exactly this, but you know what i mean) If he reacts badly then definitely get rid of him but if he's willing to see it from your point of view that's a good sign. I mean, this is really chiche`advice but he's obviously feeling insecure, that's why he put so many restrictions on you. Even if he trusts you, he would still have his doubts cause your lives aren't intertwined since you have different social circles and activities and don't see each other frequently. Introduce him to your friends. Whatsapp him pictures of your day. The random weird ones, not the i'm-going-to-upload-these-on-insta-cause-i-look-good pictures (Whatsapp? Snapchat? Kik? Idk?) Keep him involved.


    And to be honest, if i were you, i wouldn't let him boss me around. Even if he's your boyfriend you need to learn to say NO. Make it clear that you can't stand being told what to do.
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    Whilst , yes , you are being selfish here by thinking about yourself... Sometimes you've got to look after number one , people can come and go in your life the only constant thing is yourself . You are in charge of your own destiny and this can change greatly by the people you hang around with , think about what is gonna make YOU happy though and don't live your life a certain way because you feel sorry for somebody , live it because it's the right thing to do .... And what you're doing seems right . Be single be free to enjoy yourself and find someone who is going to worship you and not beat you down .
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    (Original post by AnharM)
    There's two sides to every story...maybe you do dress slutty? I certainly wouldn't like my girlfriend dressing provocatively.

    What is concerning is that you have a boyfriend who has very little ambition in his life. That's not good for your future. And he makes you text him all day and doesn't allow you to have any male friends, that's very immature from him.
    You wouldn't care how your girlfriend dresses.
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    Put me in the '2 sides to every story' camp. I certainly wouldn't be happy with my girlfriend dressing up in a short skirt and heels and going out clubbing. As has been said, maybe you are dressing slutty? Anyway the obvious and rational solution is to talk to him about this in a reasoned way like an adult, and not go into the conversation with the 'knowledge' that you're 100% in the right either.

    Let's flip the switch here. It's pretty common knowledge that girls at uni are often going to slut it up, and that's what he's concerned of. So, reversing the situation...let's say your boyfriend told you he was going on holiday to Ibiza, Thailand, or Magaluf...places where it's pretty well known guys go to party and get laid, and easy girls are plentiful. Would you be totally fine with his choice of holiday destination? Would you not be concerned in the slightest if pictures appeared on his facebook showing him with a few different girls out at various clubs?

    If you're thinking 'well of course I wouldn't be OK with it!' then you're just as much a control freak, you just haven't had the chance to showcase it yet.
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    Flip a coin.
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    (Original post by BabyChow)
    You wouldn't care how your girlfriend dresses.
    Erm, yes, yes I definitely would care how my girlfriend dresses. Who are you to tell me what I would and wouldn't care about?
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    (Original post by AnharM)
    Erm, yes, yes I definitely would care how my girlfriend dresses. Who are you to tell me what I would and wouldn't care about?
    Whatever.
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    If you have gone to considerable efforts to get him to tone it down then you're wise enough to know what you have to do OP, hard as it may be

    (Original post by BabyChow)
    Whatever
    He's not the only one either. How a girl presents herself/behaves is important, especially in a LDR where trust/comfort may rest on a knife edge
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    (Original post by Shannon1329)
    Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.


    My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish. We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care, my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live, I get on so well with his family. I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
    It's probably not wise to move on without at least having a potential back up partner. Is there someone else at uni who you click well with who you could date?
 
 
 
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