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Dad wasn't there for 16 years and now making my life a misery watch

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    (Original post by Ebony19)
    The worst part is needing a dad/father figuire so much but knowing the reality of who it is and how they don't really come close to providing that.
    This hit me like a punch to the stomach. So true.


    To the OP:


    I can't really say a lot, I just wanted to say I have total sympathy for you. My situation is similar, but different - my dad left when I was a baby, I met him when I was 16. He was in my life for about a year, and that was too long considering the situation/what he did.

    You say you're afraid of losing him - I know exactly what you mean. But you're not scared of losing him... you're scared of losing the idea of a dad. I've been there, it's hard. I had to cut my dad out and I never did get to have a dad, I think I believed I had one for about a month (and most of that was before I'd actually met him). But he's been out of my life for about seven years now. I have two wonderful older half brothers (who I had no idea about before I met my dad) and I've accepted that I don't want or need a dad in my life. Of the three of us, none of us have any contact with him. I think that says everything about what kind of person and father he is.

    I hope you can resolve this - be honest with him about his behaviour, stand up for yourself, and see if you can work this out. But remember that he's the one that owes you. He owes you big time. I'm not saying you need to bring this up, or rub it in, or anything - but he should know that he owes you, and he should be doing all he can do reassure you and make things up to you.

    If all he's doing is hurting you, maybe think about whether he's a positive or negative influence in your life. Don't be afraid to ask for space, or tell him how you need things to be. Things should be on your terms.

    Take care, and feel free to PM me if you need. x
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    #1

    Wow thanks a lot to all of you!! Its a bit comforting that some of you went through this and have got over it. I've decided to stop contact with him, he's just not the right father. I guess it'll take some time to get over it tho but I'll be happier in the long run. Thanks for all ur support guys xxx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hiya guys. Basically I'm a 17 year old girl. My dad left when I was a baby and had no touch with me at all for 16 years. He then got in touch with me last year. I was quick to forgive him, as I always wanted a father in my life. At first he was very nice, but as times going on, he's making my life a misery. He doesn't live with us, but he expects me to message him as soon as I walk through the doorstep as soon as I get home etc etc. He calls me a liar for no reason and fights unnecessarily. I'm so upset through all this, but I can't take it if he leaves either. Please ppl, advise me. I know most of u will tell me to ditch him, but it's easier said than done
    *shrug*

    Just stop talking to him then?

    You've survive the first half of your life without him in the picture, it's not the end of the world if you go another 16 years without him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Wow thanks a lot to all of you!! Its a bit comforting that some of you went through this and have got over it. I've decided to stop contact with him, he's just not the right father. I guess it'll take some time to get over it tho but I'll be happier in the long run. Thanks for all ur support guys xxx
    Glad you came to a decision, you'll be fine, old wounds heal xxx
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    (Original post by Studentus-anonymous)
    *shrug*

    Just stop talking to him then?

    You've survive the first half of your life without him in the picture, it's not the end of the world if you go another 16 years without him.
    Um... no. It's nowhere near as easy as that. Yes the OP has survived but that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult or painful. Growing up without a parent can create so many issues for a child... abandonment, low self esteem, etc.

    When you finally get that person in your life, the one you've thought about since you can remember, and they're a complete disappointment to the point of having to give up on the entire idea of ever having them in your life? It's devastating. It was for me, anyway.

    Tl;dr please don't be so flippant about this.
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    (Original post by carlaraptor)
    Um... no. It's nowhere near as easy as that. Yes the OP has survived but that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult or painful. Growing up without a parent can create so many issues for a child... abandonment, low self esteem, etc.

    When you finally get that person in your life, the one you've thought about since you can remember, and they're a complete disappointment to the point of having to give up on the entire idea of ever having them in your life? It's devastating. It was for me, anyway.

    Tl;dr please don't be so flippant about this.
    You tell them!
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    (Original post by carlaraptor)
    Um... no. It's nowhere near as easy as that. Yes the OP has survived but that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult or painful. Growing up without a parent can create so many issues for a child... abandonment, low self esteem, etc.

    When you finally get that person in your life, the one you've thought about since you can remember, and they're a complete disappointment to the point of having to give up on the entire idea of ever having them in your life? It's devastating. It was for me, anyway.

    Tl;dr please don't be so flippant about this.
    My biological father never wanted anything to do with me and went to his grave dying of cancer without so much as a phonecall, my biological mother was a negligent disappointment and to this day remains a mess. But please, continue to talk down to me as if I have no idea.

    Now that you're done talking on behalf of the '****ty-childhood and parent' crew when we never elected you, my point is thus:
    Clinging to toxic people and past disappointments is easy and natural but not the solution.
    She discovered her biological dad was a disappointment. Sorry to be harsh but boo-hoo. She has grown up without him, and while not having a dad has certainly effected her upbringing and how she has turned out, he has effectively had no more impact beyond his absence (hardly a novelty in this day and age).
    Disappointment is natural but wallowing in it serves no purpose. A relationship with him is a dead end. So be it. Dwelling won;t change things and really not much has changed except a fantasy has been put to death by reality. Sad but her life still goes on.

    Plenty of happy and accomplished people have grown up, lived and died without a father.
    Not having one is not going to be the big impediment some people worry it will be. As she gets older she'll realise no-one cares if she had a dad or not, or two mums or one mum or no mums and raised by aunts or whatever.


    So yea. Don't dwell.
 
 
 
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