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Need your help, I'm going mad watch

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    #1

    Also, it's not so much the initial lie that I mind, it's the fact that then for two months when I brought it up he stuck to it, probably swearing on my life as well (Can't remember well) and then kept changing his mind... it just feels disrespectful.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Also, it's not so much the initial lie that I mind, it's the fact that then for two months when I brought it up he stuck to it, probably swearing on my life as well (Can't remember well) and then kept changing his mind... it just feels disrespectful.
    You kept hounding him for that long...

    over something so trivial.
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    I know, I was a pain in the butt for sure. Does it make it OK to lie though? If you see your bf/gf miserable over something so trivial why keep lying...
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    (Original post by Cremated_Spatula)
    Sounds like you've got some serious trust issues.


    What is with these expectations, do you not lie sometimes, especially when you are embarrassed?

    Why is it you feel that one lie equates to another, when in reality, everyone lies about different things?
    This. No offence OP but you sound like the one who clearly has issues. It's not healthy or rational to explode into hysterics and stew in depression and anger and fear over white lies.

    Your absolutist approach to the concept of lies or omissions is honestly not healthy--for you.


    In an ideal world everyone would be nothing but honest with everyone else, but then it'd lead to a world where boyfriends have to tell their partner her new dress makes her look ****, even though you think the world of her and normally would think she looks great first thing out of bed, or tell her you think her family are ******s, that you think her guy friend is a creeper she could live without, or any other of the million of little things that you think and feel yourself but you know better than to impose on your partner because while it's no big deal to you it may hurt them.

    "Yes dear you HAVE gained a little bit of weight and no I don't think it looks as good as when you were thinner"

    keeping that to yourself is beneficial for the relationship because it's not nearly big enough an issue to realistically effect the relationship, but making it known to your partner is going to needlessly upset them.


    OP your boyfriend (ex?) was keeping harmless things to himself because he oddly enough became understandably fearful of your responses. You came across sorry to say as a bit of a crazy girlfriend.
    Ironically if you weren't so obsessed with the concept of total truth he probably would feel more inclined to tell you these things, but as someone who is full of fear as yourself, you should understand more than anyone why he is scared to give you ANY cause to blow up on him. Why risk one of your tantrums when he can just keep this little thing to himself?


    As you are you sound rather tiring and quite a handful so it comes as no surprise he eventually chose to break up.



    I think you need to continue to see this therapist and maybe take a break from relationships. You likely not happy being like this and it certainly isn't healthy for you or any of your relationships and almost assures their failure in the long term.

    Genuinely, best of luck and hope you can eventually find yourself in a happier healthier place, and have happier healthier relationships.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know, I was a pain in the butt for sure. Does it make it OK to lie though? If you see your bf/gf miserable over something so trivial why keep lying...
    That is somewhat one sided though, you hounding him and pressuring him like that over something of this nature is bound to make him miserable as well.
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    The lie was never the relevant bit, as far as I can guess from what you've said. It's the fact he chose to increase your suffering. But then, on the other hand, when someone says, "I'd rather know the truth," it can be difficult to know whether they really mean it. It's like telling a kid, "I wont be mad, I just want to know if it was you who put my iPad in the microwave." Of course you'll be mad!

    So I can understand why he might lie for non-malicious reasons. The question is: how solid is a relationship so full of melted iPads? Err... metaphorically speaking.
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    Please don't take this the wrong way but my analysis is that you have a victim mentality/trust issues, and your boyfriend has little personal integrity, and puts pride/self-interest before sensitivity to his partner. I'd say you need to end it and address your fundamental personal issues. People will tend to exploit weakness, and victimhood can be somewhat self-perpetuating
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    I appreciate your feedback, everyone.

    That last answer (no offense of course) really hurt me. Do you think that means he doesn't love me? Of course you can't guess that, you don't know us. But obviously I'm guessing this isn't a good sign... The thing is that when I met him, I was still heartbroken, also he is 3 years younger (I'm 26). I did tell him I wasn't quite sure I was ready for a Relationship but he was very much into me and thought he could handle the bagage, he could make me trust men again. And then that happened...

    I do know I have severe trust issues. I do know I kind of harassed him, trying to get answers out of him. While I admit it is very annoying, I don't find that a profound disrespect. The problem is also that I probably will be like that in most relationships, and while I've been very unhappy recently I do love him deeply.

    He actually hasn't broken up, he wants to do long distance, but I know I won't be able to as I'll be panicking a lot. For both our interests I'd rather not choose that option - he understands it.
    We are probably going to break up when he leaves (as of now we live together and I can't find the strength to go to a friend, we are both missing each other just being quite "cold" to each other).
 
 
 
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